Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"  Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.   She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you. I do feel like it's be...

 Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night.  I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about.  None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.   He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged.  I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about.  He insisted he does know me.  I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.   I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere.  He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective.  If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid.  He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at. I don't have to participat...

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin. This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN. Because aging isn't fun enough. Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in. Repeatedly. And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.   Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no ...

 ugh. I want to have fun so bad.  Good, honest, adult fun with no bullshit games. Considering i want that fun with an adult male...........that may be very wishful thinking. Mr. A got "stuck at work" and "didn't want to rush" and "wanted to spend a good amount of time" with me. Yeah?  Well, you should have planned better love. We made plans years ago to meet and didn't because you "got sick" and now, you came around looking for another chance and..........i GAVE IT TO YOU and you "had to work late". Next. I'm sorry, my tolerance is at zero.   Plus, it's a relief.  No having to respond to texts take phone calls and listen to bullshit from a male mouth. Stress free.   Just me and Koda.  And vacation around the corner.   OH! and the crazy part is a man i went out a few times with in 2018 contacted me yesterday for the strangest (short, thanks to me) conversation.......he wanted to reconnect also, What the fuck.  No.  No mor...

 last night i had a dream that Mr. Cigar was back in my life, and he had hair. I kept looking at him, wondering what was different?  And then it occurred to me, the man has hair.   No we weren't together, but he thought we were.  I felt disinterest.  And curious about what had changed. What a weird dream. Been thinking about Mr. Tatoo and how we met, our short interaction, the ongoing affection that went one way.......I may be in the same situation again, depending. Meeting Mr.A tonight.  We've been talking for a couple of weeks, and we used to talk a lot more years ago, during the pandemic.  I "met" a lot of people on line then, like a lot of other people did.  We were supposed to meet, but never did.  I think i thought he was married.  Or I had someone i was seeing, it could have been anything  But he wasn't blocked. He found me on Tik Tok, probably by accident? I'm not sure, but it's also not the first time this has happened...

 I was annoyed Sunday night when we had to leave the casino two songs in to the second band.  I love going to see Dirt, but i also wanted to see the next band Devils Hopyard.  I think i'll start driving myself to see live music.  I don't want to leave until i've seen it all.  We drove an hour to watch an hour to drive another hour home.  I think i took an hour to get ready.  Booo. But it was still fun.   I think Doug and Jen want me to be with Ed, but Ed and I are not at the same place in life.  He's retiring in August, and is ready to travel and go do stuff.  I have a long way to go before retirement.  He wants to move down south. I won't leave being close to my grandchildren and children.  I hardly see them but when they do invite me I can be there. Down south is for vacation.  Even if i hate snow, i'm a new england girl born and raised.  This is my home. When i retire and live in a van, this will still be my h...

 Blocked Mr Cigar on Friday.  Everywhere.  Done. It's not flattering to have a man completely shitfaced calling me while he's DRIVING trying to tell me that i want him.  No.  Actually.  I do not. And if THAT situation wasn't enough, his GF sent me pictures of the aftermath.  He projectile vomited literally all over the house. Who does that?  That was done on purpose.  And she cleaned it up.  Spent all night doing it while she texted with me.  The man couldn't stand when he pretty much crawled into the house. That is disgusting behavior.  Me? I would have grabbed my shit and left.  No WAY would i be taking care of his mess and his animals. It's been very enlightening talking with Mary.  We've been filling in the blanks as it were.  I don't need to know, but it's very helpful in supporting my self control.  He is not a nice man.  He can be, when he turns it on, but so can serial killers.  Found out c...

 I went from ending this years program to finishing up another important program that needs to be completed before fiscal year end.  I had 2 days notice.  I've been busy. Between that, working with Kevin to get it completed and moving one boss into another office in a different building, clearing out his part of his current office and then setting up my new bosses office.......it's been a busy week. No i did not expect to be doing any of this again.  HOWEVER, i'm getting what i want.  I work remotely 2 days a week, and the price i pay for that is flexibility.  I do what needs to be done.  I'm the go to, the one that when they don't know what to do, i find out.   Mind you, all providers, in other words, Doctors.   I run with wolves. and so far, hold my own.  The right amount of respect, balanced with my sense of humor and ability to get shit done that they can't be bothered with. Got my raise.  eh.   Yesterday whi...

 Having a puppy is definitely like having an infant, except puppies are mobile.  Constantly.  Potty training is a nightmare so far.  He piddles everywhere and because he is so close to the ground i don't know if he's peeing or just standing there until he walks away and "whoops there it is".......ughhhhh Everyone has advice.  Yesterday when i arrived home he greeted me at the door.  How?  Because he had busted out of the gate i had up blocking him into the very pee proof and puppy safe kitchen.  I hadn't locked the latch and this puppy figured it out. Smart ass. So today, i made sure it was latched and locked.  If he is anything like Miyagi, he will literally crawl over the top of the gate and drop himself over to freedom.  If he DOES do that, he has earned it.  I'm more worried about his safety than my floors.  Floors can be cleaned.  OVER AND OVER again.   We've been working on the biting.  I take his coll...

 Back to the office today.  Leaving Koda "locked up" in the kitchen broke my heart.  His favorite place is in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room.  He can't even see that from the kitchen.  He screamed, and screamed, and my soft heart wanted to let him out but he doesn't have a crate and it's not safe for a puppy to roam the house while no one is there to monitor him. So scream he shall, until he stops.   This is the first time letting him be unhappy......booo. No LIKE. It may explain the mood i'm in.  I can't care about anything involving men, or the potential of them being around me, or not.  I don't care.  It's nothing but work and disapointment. And yet i keep interacting. What if I just don't? I have to tell this new guy that now is not the time.  I'm just not ready to date, or kiss, or even THINK about being involved with another man while i still have the dust unsettled from Mr. Cigar. I did text with Mr. Ciga...

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.   Koda is a baby. I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work.  I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week. I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.   In other news...... Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him. An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a r...

 Jennifer is bringing me a puppy today.  He was left on her co-workers doorstep along with 3 siblings, way too early to be taken from their mama.  She brought them to the vet, bottle fed them and gave them away when they started to eat puppy food.  This little man decided he wanted the bottle for an extra week so he was the only one left.  He has been dewormed (something i never knew had to happen) and has gotten his clean bill of health as of yesterday.  Now he needs a name, which Jen and i will decide tonight.  We are co-parenting.  Poor Doug had a heart attack when he thought this little boy was coming to live at his house.   I'm not a fan of normal names.  Miyagi was named so because he had soulful eyes and a little white beard. He fit his name.  He was the bestest boy ever.  And now.......i'm going to do this again.  I've never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 when he came home with me.  They are placing this...

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck. I hear you.  I got it.  I understand. The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.   I can breathe. I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me. I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put...