Probably wierd and maybe alterier motives

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" 

Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.  

She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you.

I do feel like it's been helpful talking with her.  He treats her like shit.  Theres a snapshot of what any woman will go through if living with him.  And to think, I actually considered it.  Makes me want to punch myself.  

Here's the thing.  I didn't.  I gave up NOTHING to be with him.  I held on to myself and my space in the world.  At least i learned that much with all the dating and failed relationships.

I've considered cutting her off too.  I've asked myself why do i continue to talk to her.  If it was only about Mr. Cigar, there would be no question.  But she gets it.  She lives it.  We understand what it feels like to be so thoroughly manipulated and want more until we get it. We support each other.

I do believe everything happens for a reason.  We meet people through other people and become close, while the original person was just passing through. The real ones stay.  Sometimes we need a bridge to meet.  Maybe Mr. Cigar was a bridge.

Or maybe i just like hearing about what a miserable fucker he is.

This, THIS is overthinking.  

In other parts of my brain, i feel like i stuck my neck out yestereday after a meeting and i feel a little foolish.  It could have been great, because i'm participating and offering alternatives, but it also could have been overstepping....in the arena with the big dogs.  I need to shut my mouth and observe.  I'm not sure if it was good, that i tried, or that i was a nuisance.  Time will tell.

I'm proud that i pushed myself to say something that i felt was useful and constructive.  Period.  

My kids are no longer even responding to my text messages.  My son is pretty good about answering when i call, which he never used to be.  But he never calls me.  Never.  My daughter has been completely ignoring me and i don't know what is going on.  Neither has said a word about Koda, and i thought for sure a cute puppy would make them speak to me. 

Not sure what to do, or what i did or didn't do.  It hurts.  But there is part of me that realizes they are both in the thick of building their lives and considering that they think everything i do is stupid or irresponsible (incidentally, thats not how i raised them) you would think they would check and make sure i'm alive once in a while.  Not sure what i can do.  I've asked to go to NY repeatedly and when i pick an actual day it's never a good time.  No invites.  From either camp.  

I mean.........i stay in Connecticut so i can be relatively close, a drive away, from my kids.  And i never see them.  Rarely talk with them.  

What is keeping me here when i can't afford it, and i'm literally salivating to start somewhere new, fresh.......I even considered Texas, something i NEVER would have considered years ago.  Alaska has bitten me now.....i've been researching, and chatting with people who actually live there - and a seed has been planted.  It's growing roots.  I'm starting to plan my vacation for next winter which i think will be 2 weeks in fairbanks in the winter.  When it's the coldest, and the darkest.  "the worst part" if you will.  Visiting in the summer isn't a full depiction of what life is really like.

I don't mind the cold when i don't have to be out in it.  I can hibernate inside quite happily for weeks at a time.  If i have koda, and my books and internet access........it might actually be ideal.  A small commuinity, nature, isolation when needed........space.  

Like i said it's just a seed.  But it's growing.

nothing or something?

 Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night.  I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about.  None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.  

He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged.  I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about.  He insisted he does know me.  I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.  

I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere.  He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective.  If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid.  He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at.

I don't have to participate in the "make nice" when i have nothing to lose.  If he doesn't like it, he is free to go.  Which i told him.  He said if he didn't want to be there he wouldn't be.

I did get a chance to tell him that i don't believe the bullshit act of "i don't know what i'm doing" when he runs several successful businesses and knows how to manipulate and sell himself.  I told him he is charming when he wants to be and that makes him an even bigger asshole because it's not genuine, it's manipulative.

He insists that women don't want to be treated well.  I told him he should go date those women then.  

I told him he is emotionally vacant and unavailable.  That he plays games with emotions and that I never felt safe with him.  He said that turned me on.  I told him just because we had a smoking hot physical connection didn't mean i hadn't had that before, or that it makes him special.  I enjoy sex, i'm fun in bed and i've NEVER had any complaints.  He shouldn't try to take credit for what i already do, with, or without him.

I don't think he liked that.  Not sure that i care.  It's true.  

I don't need a man for sex, that is easily obtained.  I wanted more from him, and he didn't have it to give me.  Thats what i told him.  My needs are emotional - i require affection, adoration, caring and demonstrations of love.  None of which he can or ever has given me.

I asked him why he is always so negative. (something he accuses me of)  He is unable to say anything positive, or nice about me or our time together.  This may have stumped him.  

He is great at changing the subject and every time he did it i called him on it.  I told him his avoidance is consistant.  That he can't have serious conversations that he is not in control of.  

Pretty much i had a conversation with him where i was 100% present as myself, without any tenderness towards the outcome.  The outcome has already been established.  Yes, i have feelings for him, no he will never be able to make me happy.  He does not have what i need. And i'm not a project.

I told him i was in contact with Mary pretty much daily and he already knew that.  So he says.  She did tell him some things i had told her and i stated that i was not in the business of playing he said she said.  I told him if I was there when he came home fall down drunk and projectile puked all over the house, i would have left his ass there and then.  

He reminded me that i always leave.  I can't argue it's true.  I told him that i leave when there is drama and upset.  So yes, i leave him a LOT.  Proving my point to myself.

He did try to touch me a few times and i told him to knock it off.  When he tried to say anything flirtatious i just rolled my eyes.  I did allow him to grab my foot and put it in his lap at one point, as he held on to my ankle and pulled my forward in my chair.  I put the brakes on before i could get too close.  Was the chemistry there?  Yes, of course it was.

But the lack of accountability, the constant deflection, the inability to hear what i was saying will never be less important than the physical, and very limited, contact he offers.

He called me after he left and asked me if i felt better now?  I asked him better how?  I told him he can't give me what i need, and that's not likely to ever change.  Hell, he tells me that i DON'T want what i clearly want.  So how should i feel?

I'm not sad, i'm resigned.  Seeing him always gets my heart jumping, but thats because i know it's going to be a wild, unpredicatable ride.....no stability, no transparency......just more games and drama and never knowing WHEN.  I don't need it, or want it.

deal with it

 Every morning i wake up and feel the growth of brand new hairs on my chin.

This is part of the aging process.  Why, after all these years, would i need hair on my chin?  What part of evolution is this?  The hormones? Is this where my bigger balls are coming from? The testosterone coursing through my aging body wasting time on growing hair.  ON MY CHIN.

Because aging isn't fun enough.

Add to that little surprise bursts of pure anger when a thought crosses my mind concerning Mr. Cigar over the past year.  Not at him. At myself.  He IS all the things i think he is, and he DID do the despicable disrespectful things that he did..........but it was ME that continued to allow his con artist ass back in.

Repeatedly.

And that gets my panties in a bunch because i thought i was in a better place.  

Maybe its better because i kept running from him, but i also returned.  Maybe it's better because i dealt in reality and tried to talk myself into "no one is perfect" and "he had a truly horrible childhood".......but fuck that noise.  We are all adults, too old to blame shitty behavior on our childhood.

I want a man.  I want sex, and appreciation and partnership.  I'm thinking that it's never going to happen, that my perfect man does not exist.  That is my price, my karma for centering on men most of my life.  I focused on getting what i didn't have, not what i had.  A young family, career potential, friends.  

Age makes you look at things differently.  I was doing what i thought i needed to do after leaving my husband.  I wanted fun, but i wanted a man for "protection" from lifes problems.  The one i picked actually gave me MORE problems but all i knew was that i was not alone.  Even though i felt alone.  I had "a man" to attach to, to attach to his life because i didn't know what was happening to my own.  I grabbed the first "fun" man who floated my boat and told myself he was what i needed.

We don't need anyone.  The truth is, partnership usually means twice the problems along with the company.

It's worth it because that partner is "yours".  But thats only for as long as they choose to be, and normally they don't tell you they have changed their mind until after they have already betrayed you.  Further fucking you up for future men.

yay.

I'm in my head.  That is something Mr. Cigar said to me if i even questioned his behavior ......yes, I am in my head.  It's mine.  Where else should i be?

What i shouldn't be doing is getting myself all upset about something that never mattered.  It was all a lie.  I found out so much more about his betrayal and i'm beyond disgusted.  Am i a fool or is he the devil?  I believed because i wanted to believe.  Why did he lie?  Actively betray me, lie to my face and act like i was crazy when he KNEW i was right.

This is a great reason to just live like a nun.

Not such a postive place this morning, after a weekend of stewing on stuff that should be dead and gone by now.  i'm sure this too, shall pass.

Reality baby

 ugh.

I want to have fun so bad.  Good, honest, adult fun with no bullshit games.

Considering i want that fun with an adult male...........that may be very wishful thinking.

Mr. A got "stuck at work" and "didn't want to rush" and "wanted to spend a good amount of time" with me.

Yeah?  Well, you should have planned better love. We made plans years ago to meet and didn't because you "got sick" and now, you came around looking for another chance and..........i GAVE IT TO YOU and you "had to work late".

Next.

I'm sorry, my tolerance is at zero.  

Plus, it's a relief.  No having to respond to texts take phone calls and listen to bullshit from a male mouth. Stress free.  

Just me and Koda.  And vacation around the corner.  

OH! and the crazy part is a man i went out a few times with in 2018 contacted me yesterday for the strangest (short, thanks to me) conversation.......he wanted to reconnect also,

What the fuck.  No.  No more. Block Block Block.

For god's sake can i get a fresh one please?  IF i have to have one at all?

dreams and reality

 last night i had a dream that Mr. Cigar was back in my life, and he had hair.

I kept looking at him, wondering what was different?  And then it occurred to me, the man has hair.  

No we weren't together, but he thought we were.  I felt disinterest.  And curious about what had changed.

What a weird dream.

Been thinking about Mr. Tatoo and how we met, our short interaction, the ongoing affection that went one way.......I may be in the same situation again, depending.

Meeting Mr.A tonight.  We've been talking for a couple of weeks, and we used to talk a lot more years ago, during the pandemic.  I "met" a lot of people on line then, like a lot of other people did.  We were supposed to meet, but never did.  I think i thought he was married.  Or I had someone i was seeing, it could have been anything  But he wasn't blocked.

He found me on Tik Tok, probably by accident? I'm not sure, but it's also not the first time this has happened.  He was hell bent on meeting me.  I told him i wasn't dating, he said fine, can we be friends? And i liked his persistence that does not feel like pushy.

Yet.

So tonight we meet up and i doubt it will end "friendly".  Lets see if the chemistry is real or not.  Again i think about Mr. Tattoo and the crazy sparks i felt as soon as i saw him.  I wish every date could be like that, then it would be easier to control myself.  But when those sparks hit, and i'm not talking butterflys i'm talking SPARKS.........i'm not passing that up.

For a long time i felt like i handled Mr. Tattoo the wrong way but i was being myself.  Always am.  I wasn't being strategic, there was no plan or goal.  I just enjoyed being with him and i let myself enjoy him.  I feel like that went against me in his eyes......like a quality woman wouldn't follow her wants and needs without withholding for an appropriate amount of time.  

Didn't work out with him, and that was his loss.  I'm a lot more than good sex.  But i did enjoy it.  Not regretting it.  I've done that one other time and it was good.  I didnt' like the man once i got to know him but the fire, the intensity......that was worth it.  I'm a grown woman with grown woman needs and i don't want to settle for a life partner just because i want sex sometimes.

I want the whole package.  I want Whole Foods, but sometimes i have to pick up a snack at the gas station..........to hold me over.

I hope this man turns out to be the whole package.  If not, no harm no foul.  

grreat

 I was annoyed Sunday night when we had to leave the casino two songs in to the second band.  I love going to see Dirt, but i also wanted to see the next band Devils Hopyard. 

I think i'll start driving myself to see live music.  I don't want to leave until i've seen it all.  We drove an hour to watch an hour to drive another hour home.  I think i took an hour to get ready.  Booo.

But it was still fun.  

I think Doug and Jen want me to be with Ed, but Ed and I are not at the same place in life.  He's retiring in August, and is ready to travel and go do stuff.  I have a long way to go before retirement.  He wants to move down south. I won't leave being close to my grandchildren and children.  I hardly see them but when they do invite me I can be there.

Down south is for vacation.  Even if i hate snow, i'm a new england girl born and raised.  This is my home. When i retire and live in a van, this will still be my home.

upped my dose of the glp and this morning it wasn't pretty.  It looked like everything i ate within the last week was vomited into the toilet ending with bile.

Not good.

But i'm on the tale end here.  This is the highest dose and will be the last push for significant weight loss. This shot makes me unbearably tired the second day so today will be a long one. I will probably take a nap in my car for lunch.

Vacation is around the corner.  Koda still hates the sling but he's getting better. He's growing up fast, and still pottying inside.  urgh.  I know it's my fault.

Which brings me to my bestie, who has been annoying the fuck out of me lately.  Something is ALWAYS wrong.  Yesterday she was bitching about her overtime hours (which she depends on and gets paid time and half for) and then about the farmer across the street who kicks up dust with the tractor.

I was beyond annoyed. Must be rough when you buy a house across the street from farm land with all the flies and dust.  Did they not SEE the land across the street?  Nothing is ever good enough for them.  And as far as the overtime, i don't get it.  I work all hours which is my choice but i will NEVER be paid overtime.  When i tell her how that office abuses funds I'm including her "overtime" .  She doesn't get it.

What she really doesn't get is her audience.  Does she remember who she's talking to?  Apartment renter here, and no overtime even though that would change my life.  So keep bitching about you lovely home and extra income.  Duh.

What chased me off the phone yesterday with her was the 50th "kevin said".  He's an expert on EVERYTHING and all they do is judge other peoples choices because THEY know the best way to do everything.  I'm tired of unsolicited advice.  I didn't ask.  And i don't feel like i need to explain myself or my choices.  I've just stopped telling her anything.  

Theres a reason i couldn't tell her i was seeing Bill again.  It wasn't that he was toxic and not a good choice for me, it's because i wouldn't be able to talk to her about it without her telling me what i should be doing.  I don't need it.  And she doesn't see it. 

She gets mad if i don't answer the phone but sometimes the idea of listening to her list of gripes is something i cannot stand to deal with.  NOW she's having "eye surgery" and will be out of work for a week before she goes on her 3 week vacation to italy.  So thats all i'll be hearing about.

We go through this.  I'm trying to avoid a blow out.  I just need space from her and "kevs" views on my life.

well everyone makes mistakes

 Blocked Mr Cigar on Friday.  Everywhere.  Done.

It's not flattering to have a man completely shitfaced calling me while he's DRIVING trying to tell me that i want him. 

No.  Actually.  I do not.

And if THAT situation wasn't enough, his GF sent me pictures of the aftermath.  He projectile vomited literally all over the house.

Who does that?  That was done on purpose.  And she cleaned it up.  Spent all night doing it while she texted with me.  The man couldn't stand when he pretty much crawled into the house.

That is disgusting behavior.  Me? I would have grabbed my shit and left.  No WAY would i be taking care of his mess and his animals.

It's been very enlightening talking with Mary.  We've been filling in the blanks as it were.  I don't need to know, but it's very helpful in supporting my self control.  He is not a nice man.  He can be, when he turns it on, but so can serial killers.  Found out completely by accident that last year, when i went to New York for 4th of July weekend, and he broke up with me via TEXT......he took a woman to the company picnic.  Not just any woman.

He took the woman i specifically asked if he had dated.  I have history with her.  He lied through his teeth.  And now, i feel like i need to go get sanitized.  Its not bad enough that he spreads his attention all over the place, but this particular woman is ........very popular.  ehem.

That made me feel sick.  Being an asshole and being a pathological liar aren't the same.  And i want neither.

Anyhoo.  It actually helps but i think i'll be blocking Mary soon too.  I don't need to be involved and it's just the nosey part of me that needs justification for my stupidity.  he lied.  He was nothing what i thought, and............He is a short, bald, small-handed, small-footed, limp dick, blustering, "IRRELEVANT" wanna be badass.  

AND he's not nice.

Done.

Next.

work is crushing

 I went from ending this years program to finishing up another important program that needs to be completed before fiscal year end.  I had 2 days notice.  I've been busy.

Between that, working with Kevin to get it completed and moving one boss into another office in a different building, clearing out his part of his current office and then setting up my new bosses office.......it's been a busy week.

No i did not expect to be doing any of this again.  HOWEVER, i'm getting what i want.  I work remotely 2 days a week, and the price i pay for that is flexibility.  I do what needs to be done.  I'm the go to, the one that when they don't know what to do, i find out.  

Mind you, all providers, in other words, Doctors.  

I run with wolves.

and so far, hold my own.  The right amount of respect, balanced with my sense of humor and ability to get shit done that they can't be bothered with.

Got my raise.  eh.  

Yesterday while working with Kevin he noticed my notes on my desk and said "is THAT your handwriting?!" to which i responded "at least I can read my own handwriting" because He can't.....lol  He told me my handwriting shows that i'm an incredibly giving and open person.

I love my research geeks.  So much.  he drives me crazy the way he trys to rush ahead and answer his own questions, but i'm getting used to it.  He's married and has lunch with his sister who also works here i believe.  He has dogs and a cat who fights fox.  It's nice to work with a normal person along with my bosses.  He's also a doctor but when i tried to call him that he freaked out.  "JUST KEVIN"

okay then.

today is a busy one and then home to Koda.  He did better with potty yesterday because i was on him like glue and brought him out every 15 minutes.  (i set and alarm)  When he pottyed i made a big happy deal about it.  He had one accident, which i cleaned up but did not comment on while he watched me.  The biting is getting better.  He does not like it when i hold his collar but he settles almost immediately.  Probably because he knows i will let go when he is still.

This is hard.  Sometimes i feel like i'm being mean.  But i have to think about his future behavior and if i want him to travel and be with me all the time he needs to be trained.

Miyagi was a different dog.  Almost a human.  Koda is definitely a puppy and adores me with those eyes and follows me like a literal shadow.

I'm tired

 Having a puppy is definitely like having an infant, except puppies are mobile.  Constantly.  Potty training is a nightmare so far.  He piddles everywhere and because he is so close to the ground i don't know if he's peeing or just standing there until he walks away and "whoops there it is".......ughhhhh

Everyone has advice.  Yesterday when i arrived home he greeted me at the door.  How?  Because he had busted out of the gate i had up blocking him into the very pee proof and puppy safe kitchen.  I hadn't locked the latch and this puppy figured it out.

Smart ass.

So today, i made sure it was latched and locked.  If he is anything like Miyagi, he will literally crawl over the top of the gate and drop himself over to freedom.  If he DOES do that, he has earned it.  I'm more worried about his safety than my floors.  Floors can be cleaned.  OVER AND OVER again.  

We've been working on the biting.  I take his collar and tell him to "settle" and when he stop squirming i tell him he's a good boy and give him a treat.

This is supposedly to get him to associate settling with being a good thing.  If he goes nuts and twists and turns i pick him up and hold him against my chest with my hand holding his head to my chest until he stop resisting.

Are these trainers sure about all this?

It does appear to be working.....He has been tearing the shit out of his toys but has only been mouthing at my hands without actually biting as often.  while we play i tell him "gentle" "good boy Koda"...he's so friggen cute.  To me.  I don't want others hating him because i don't train him right.

The older lady in my neighborhood who i talk to occasionally is a busy body racist.  I chalk it up to her age and the fact that she' an old maid white lady.  When i see her i try to avoid her now, but yesterday she caught me and started talking about the neighbors "from other countries" and shaking her head.  

I'm not one to tolerate this shit.  I also know she isn't listening to any corrections so when she was saying something about how "they" don't train their dogs and how she had to complain again........i shook my head and said "I don't understand people who don't have pets.  It's like they have a missing link or something" and i smiled.  It went over her head or she chose to ignore it.........i think it went over her head.  Maybe she'll think on it.  She has no pets.  

Still no key.  Not asking again.  Mr. Cigar will pop up when he feel the timing is prime.  His gf has stopped trying to make me her bestie due to her not needing to anymore.  Relief.  That is a whole lot of toxic over there at that house.  Have at it.

I'm pulling into my cocoon licking my wounds and healing my stupidity.  Everything is about Koda and work now.

Yesterday i talked to the Director of the department i'm going to be part of as of July 1st when the fiscal year ends.  He is excited that i will be available to him.  I guess my new boss is looking out for me after all.  I don't know if he ever knew i was interviewing elsewhere.  All of that is off the table now as things are starting to take shape.  I need to be busy, valuable, effective......i'm not a seat warmer.

First day

 Back to the office today.  Leaving Koda "locked up" in the kitchen broke my heart.  His favorite place is in front of the sliding glass doors in the living room.  He can't even see that from the kitchen.  He screamed, and screamed, and my soft heart wanted to let him out but he doesn't have a crate and it's not safe for a puppy to roam the house while no one is there to monitor him.

So scream he shall, until he stops.  

This is the first time letting him be unhappy......booo.

No LIKE.

It may explain the mood i'm in.  I can't care about anything involving men, or the potential of them being around me, or not.  I don't care.  It's nothing but work and disapointment.

And yet i keep interacting.

What if I just don't?

I have to tell this new guy that now is not the time.  I'm just not ready to date, or kiss, or even THINK about being involved with another man while i still have the dust unsettled from Mr. Cigar.

I did text with Mr. Cigar a bit yesterday and i felt nothing.  I saw his banter as a huge avoidance of what actually occurred.  He found my key and he won in his shooting division over the weekend.  I said "congratulations"  When where and how am i getting my key?  To which he responded he was "trying to figure that out and would let me know.....

Really?

You can win a shooting competition, run a successful business.......but can't figure out how to arrange to return a key on the fly?  Give me a break.

I don't even care.

I almost told him to shove the key up his nose into his brain..........but thought that might come back and bite me.  

Oops theres that part of me that hates being taken as stupid. 

So i'm in a mood.  I need to get back into a pattern, a routine with the puppy.  Get my head out of my ass.

Koda

 I have never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 years old when we found each other.  

Koda is a baby.

I have barely left the house since his arrival.  My whole world has been about him. And work. 

I was approved to work remotely 2 days a week leaving me 4 days at home with him each week.

I haven't yet found out what the 3 days alone will be like for him.  

In other news......

Mr. Saybrook is back with a vengeance, stalking my social media pages.......asking me to go for a ride along the shore.....trying to bait me.  Another player.  Another womanizer who can't be honest about what he is looking for.  The last i knew he was madly in love (according to facebook) and now......he's after me again.  Not because he wants me.  Because he wants ANYONE.  He was always a flake.  I don't answer him.

An interesting development from the past....I used to run a very popular room on KIK during covid.  If it had been a bar, or a real place, i would have made lots of money.  But it was virtual.  I met a lot of really cool people during that time (online) and some still remain my friends today.

One man who i really don't remember, reached out to me on TikTok and because he showed up in my messages as someone in my contacts, i responded.  As we chatted he told me how he knew me, and mentioned a few people that we know in common.  He told me his name, so i looked it up in my phone contacts and sure enough, he is there.  He sent me a picture and it matched the one in my contacts...not the same one, but the same man.  So we've been texting and he's been calling me.  Wednesday night we are meeting for a drink.

It pays to not get rid of contacts and conversations ...thats the second time this has happened.  We never dated.  We were supposed to go out, but he got the flu.......and i thought he was married.  He wasn't.  It was a very busy time in my life.

I guess my life is boring to anyone on the outside right now, but it is full overflowing for me.  Between Koda, my grandchild being born in July and my granddaughter who i don't see as much as i would like.....my friends, my family, my sanity.   My life is full if not overly exciting.  I'm peaceful, low stress (aside from regular, expected stressors) and i'm happy.

My new man

 Jennifer is bringing me a puppy today.  He was left on her co-workers doorstep along with 3 siblings, way too early to be taken from their mama.  She brought them to the vet, bottle fed them and gave them away when they started to eat puppy food.  This little man decided he wanted the bottle for an extra week so he was the only one left. 

He has been dewormed (something i never knew had to happen) and has gotten his clean bill of health as of yesterday.  Now he needs a name, which Jen and i will decide tonight.  We are co-parenting.  Poor Doug had a heart attack when he thought this little boy was coming to live at his house.  

I'm not a fan of normal names.  Miyagi was named so because he had soulful eyes and a little white beard. He fit his name.  He was the bestest boy ever.  And now.......i'm going to do this again.  I've never had a puppy.  Miyagi was 2 when he came home with me.  They are placing this little boys birth in the beginning of April.......so he's BRAND new.  New, new.  And will need a lot of attention and guidance.  He must be well behaved because he will also be going everywhere with me.  And i go places.

He will have doggo friends, Luna, Bruno and Rosie.  All big dogs so he will need to figure it out.  I want him to have playmates.  I'm deciding if i should take him to florida which will probably be a lot for a baby........but its better to have him with me instead of someone else especially this early on.

The timing of his arrival is both wonderful and horrible.

No longer the unknown

 Last night i was sewing a cloth and bag for my cards and STRENGTH kept popping out of the deck.

I hear you.  I got it.  I understand.

The strange part is i can look at his picture and still feel love. I feel love for the feelings he evoked in me when he chose to.  And I also feel emotionally regulated now that I know it's done.  No more up and down, or having bombs thrown into my lap.  No more having to make difficult CONTRIVED choices.  

I can breathe.

I got a lot of work done yesterday and today I believe i will complete my project, on time.  I'm savouring it, not knowing if i'll ever be doing this particular program again.  I don't know what is coming down the pike at work, but i DO know I will roll with it for as long as it serves me.

I've decided to stay where i am given that choice.  There is no need to pursue MORE work at this point in my life.  I'm on the downside.....not crawling to the top.  Effort should be put into my family, my friends, my personal goals.

I feel like everything is going as it should.  Removing people who do not align with what my future is shaping up to be.  I am still open to change, to growth, to reaching my full ability.........but in my personal life.

It's time to re-evaluate and set goals for the next 5-10 years.

BUT today, i will finish my project at work and then i will begin my packing list for New Smyrna Beach.  I can't wait to go.  The friends that Ed introduced us to last year have already reached out so we can see them again.  I'm excited!

I did have a brief texting conversation with Ed where we tell each other everything - I say "you tell me yours and i tell you mine".......concerns about us being more than friends.  Neither concern is insurmountable and at the same time, very valid.  We are in different places of life.  Just because we are naturally easy with each other doesn't mean it should add up to romance.

But it's nice to think about it.  He is very demonstrative, very affectionate.  A good man.  And our friendship means the world to me.  I don't want to complicate it.

Florida is around the corner!  And Jen insists i'm going to Utah, period. End of story.  So that may happen too.  And.......My grandson will be making his appearance in July.  

Life is good.  And calm.