Mr. Cigar brought my key back to me last night. I let him in as far as the dining area and we sat at the table while he played with Koda. We talked a little bit, but mostly he made comments about my appearance (unshowered, no makeup and pj's from the previous day) which i shrugged about. None of his business, i'm not here trying to impress him.
He made a few comments about me being in my head as usual and i again, shrugged. I told him he thinks he knows me, but he never bothered to get to know me, to ask me questions, find out what i care about. He insisted he does know me. I didn't argue, or tell him why he doesn't.
I told him every conversation with him is circular, it goes nowhere. He's always right and He can't step back to see someone elses perspective. If it's different than his, it's wrong, or stupid. He tried to give me his charm, and make me laugh, which i rolled my eyes at.
I don't have to participate in the "make nice" when i have nothing to lose. If he doesn't like it, he is free to go. Which i told him. He said if he didn't want to be there he wouldn't be.
I did get a chance to tell him that i don't believe the bullshit act of "i don't know what i'm doing" when he runs several successful businesses and knows how to manipulate and sell himself. I told him he is charming when he wants to be and that makes him an even bigger asshole because it's not genuine, it's manipulative.
He insists that women don't want to be treated well. I told him he should go date those women then.
I told him he is emotionally vacant and unavailable. That he plays games with emotions and that I never felt safe with him. He said that turned me on. I told him just because we had a smoking hot physical connection didn't mean i hadn't had that before, or that it makes him special. I enjoy sex, i'm fun in bed and i've NEVER had any complaints. He shouldn't try to take credit for what i already do, with, or without him.
I don't think he liked that. Not sure that i care. It's true.
I don't need a man for sex, that is easily obtained. I wanted more from him, and he didn't have it to give me. Thats what i told him. My needs are emotional - i require affection, adoration, caring and demonstrations of love. None of which he can or ever has given me.
I asked him why he is always so negative. (something he accuses me of) He is unable to say anything positive, or nice about me or our time together. This may have stumped him.
He is great at changing the subject and every time he did it i called him on it. I told him his avoidance is consistant. That he can't have serious conversations that he is not in control of.
Pretty much i had a conversation with him where i was 100% present as myself, without any tenderness towards the outcome. The outcome has already been established. Yes, i have feelings for him, no he will never be able to make me happy. He does not have what i need. And i'm not a project.
I told him i was in contact with Mary pretty much daily and he already knew that. So he says. She did tell him some things i had told her and i stated that i was not in the business of playing he said she said. I told him if I was there when he came home fall down drunk and projectile puked all over the house, i would have left his ass there and then.
He reminded me that i always leave. I can't argue it's true. I told him that i leave when there is drama and upset. So yes, i leave him a LOT. Proving my point to myself.
He did try to touch me a few times and i told him to knock it off. When he tried to say anything flirtatious i just rolled my eyes. I did allow him to grab my foot and put it in his lap at one point, as he held on to my ankle and pulled my forward in my chair. I put the brakes on before i could get too close. Was the chemistry there? Yes, of course it was.
But the lack of accountability, the constant deflection, the inability to hear what i was saying will never be less important than the physical, and very limited, contact he offers.
He called me after he left and asked me if i felt better now? I asked him better how? I told him he can't give me what i need, and that's not likely to ever change. Hell, he tells me that i DON'T want what i clearly want. So how should i feel?
I'm not sad, i'm resigned. Seeing him always gets my heart jumping, but thats because i know it's going to be a wild, unpredicatable ride.....no stability, no transparency......just more games and drama and never knowing WHEN. I don't need it, or want it.
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