Will it matter in a year?

This is a question I always ask anyone who comes to me upset about relationship problems.  The point being that over time, THIS particular situation that has you so upset?  It probably won't matter in a year.

I can't remember the date I told my ex I wanted a divorce.  I can't remember the date of when I moved out finally- still married and still too poor to file.  I remember the events, but the dates don't stand out because in my head I was already long gone.  I had already left him, many times over in my mind. 

That looks nasty in print.  But truth is truth and thats what i tell.  At that point, his feelings really meant nothing to me.  That rubber band of caring had been snapped for the last time.  Don't get me wrong, i felt for his pain from a distance, but as a participant?  No. 

So when it was my turn years later to have my life end as i knew it - I recognized that he had already been long gone.  Again, truth is truth.  There are many that would say he had been gone for years, hell from the START.........but i'm not THAT vacant.  There were good times.  There were loving times.  There were times i felt complete.

Just not often, and never for long.

As the world crashed down around me on this day a year ago I asked myself "Will it matter in a year?"  And i'm here to tell you.......No.  It doesn't.  And i need to see THAT in print.

I asked my therapist why I sometimes feel waves of sadness regarding that relationship when i'm so happy in my current relationship?  Does that mean what i have now is not real?  How can i feel sad for some other man?  She reassured me that it is perfectly normal and that it may take years, or however long it takes, to mourn the loss.  There is no time limit. 

I've been "off" the past couple of days - remembering how alone, how sad, how blind i was purposely being this time last year. The relationship sucked.  I have no reason to deny it.  It wasn't for lack of me trying.  As i remember how little we did together, or talked to each other - i have to wonder why it hurt at all to have it explode finally.

Because it wasn't just him.  It was his family, our friends, our town, our home, our traditions - THAT was what held me there and THAT was what I continue to mourn. 

No matter how much you try, or think it won't change, it does.  Because its supposed to.  And change hurts.  From that pain though, a new life emerges. 

I've given myself the year to lament, to be angry, to be sad, to write it out, talk it out, vent all the hurt and anger I've had.  Last night I was hit full in the face with the fact of I do miss a lot of things that i would never have done without him.  And that's okay too. 

The year is up.  I've cleared the space he held and now i need to clear the space of the life we had.  It does me no good, and serves no purpose, to be upset about life going on with new people in my place.  It happens.  In all honesty, aren't I in what used to be someone else's place? 

Yes, I am.

But i'm not her.

And she's not me.

And life isn't the same for anyone because the players are all different now. 

I gave myself the year.  Today the time is up.  So i'm saying goodbye and closing the door on the good, the bad, and the ugly.  No more tears, no more sadness that interferes with my happiness.  It was time to move on a while ago. 

It's time to be happy and make a new life.  Because that WILL continue to matter to me in a year.

It sucks to be right, but........

wow.  just. wow.

someone contacted me in order to let me know that she had a "thing" with my ex while we were together. 

i'm soooo shocked.  Right.

I did not respond because #1 not my problem and #2 not my problem. 

Don't know what her motivation is, considering it's been a while since that would be valuable information to me.  Seems like he has a lot of disillusioned females in his past.  He hit on my friends for christ sake, so this is not the most shocking thing i've learned since the breakup.  I AM hoping its the last. 

I know, we all wish our ex's would vanish off the face of the earth.  Anyways, the parts WE are inhabiting.  I'm all set with the updates and the "you should know" messages.  There isn't anything i need to know.  Or want to know.  Okay?  So take me off the person who is interested list.

I can't wait till the time comes where no-one remembers we were together.  Including me. 

Take him. Please.

Every time i start to wish someone ill will I caution myself that what I send out into the world comes back to me threefold......

It's pretty easy to hate people.  Sometimes its almost impossible not to feel ill even thinking about some......... but it's all in how you look at it.  What is it that is making you dislike ( or stronger, hate) that person?

Once i identify what it is, it's only a matter of changing my thinking.  Actively, with purpose - changing my mind and my thoughts regarding that person.

It doesn't mean i all of a sudden love them, or like them, or want to even be around them.  It just means that I don't have to hold any space in my head, or heart for them anymore.  My feelings aren't something that applies to them in any way, any more.

I recently saw a picture of my ex with his baby mama.  My first response to said picture was "ewwwwww" and then "grrrrrrrr"  and then........."man do i feel sorry for her". 

I've changed.  Drastically.  This past year has seen me have serious growing pains and that is exactly what i did.  I grew.  Everything turned out for the better even though it hurt at first.  As my daughter so eloquently put it, I escaped the burning car right before it exploded. 

He hasn't changed. 

He wouldn't for me, he won't for her.  His situation is different, he is not.  I can see it in his body language.  As soon as this chick began to need and want him.....he was done.  He may stay because of their shared interest, but he will never be a faithful man.  Men don't change that much even if they TRY.  He will continue to have online relationships, text messaging with other women, hiding pictures of them........stopping by their places of work and or homes........Cheaters are cheaters.  Having a baby doesn't change a mans character or the thrill of getting away with something.

So my initial reaction was of an ex girlfriend seeing a picture of her ex and the woman he cheated with........but then i chose to see the truth.  I see a woman who believes the man who cheated WITH her will be faithful to her.  I see a man who doesn't understand the value of loyalty.  I see the perfect couple.  And that, makes me happy.

So the next time you start to feel icky over some asshole, flip that switch. Be grateful YOU aren't them.  Be happy. 

non technical good with hands

It is a real joy being in a relationship with a man who is technically challenged. 

His phone is for calling people, and texting.  Occasionally looking for car parts, craigs list, etc....

He has facebook and knows the basics on how to use it.  No messenger even.

No secret relationships taking place online.

No hiding his phone OR having a second phone I don't know about.

No calling or texting ex girlfriends, or sending them pictures, or bitching about the life he has now.  

He is a welder.  He is responsible.  He owns his home, pays his bills, prioritizes his needs and wants, and is VERY good with his hands.  I mean, he works on his own home..........of course. ehem.  

I look at this man, and i can't believe he's mine.  So masculine and yet, such a sweetheart.  So giving, but not with motivation or manipulation.  He thinks i'm the shit.  I think he's restoring my faith in how real men truly are.  Like my father was.  I am proud to be with him.  

I don't need to worry about his loyalty, or his faithfulness.  He has never given me reason to feel less than any other woman, or person.  Just the opposite.  He makes sure I know how he feels and what he thinks and wants.

I'm sure he wants Miyagi to stop shitting on the floor.......working on it.  Even Miyagi loves him.  So much that it makes me a bit jealous actually.  But if he's going to favor anyone over me he has made a good choice.  I get it Miyagi, i feel the same way.  If i had a tail I would probably wag it off.

The evening news gets his attention when he comes home for break at night - we don't get into any deep conversations, we just enjoy being in each others presence for a short time.  I've gotten myself into a little bit of a routine and the night goes by fast - before i know it i'm crawling into bed knowing that when i wake up in the middle of the night he will be there beside me.  

It's a comfort i haven't had, this knowing - this feeling of being secure, trusting and safe.  If he's not there when i wake up I know he's working late.  I don't automatically feel i have to call him to find out where he is.  I just know.  And i go back to sleep without a care in the world.

I don't have to beg him to do things with me, like go to NYC and visit my daughter.  Or go to parties my friends are throwing.  Or the movies, or shopping , or for a walk. He does everything he says he's going to do.  If he says he will do it, I know he's going to.  I don't have to wait for the excuses and the "i was gonna"s.   

He's a man, AND he cleans up after himself.  He likes an orderly home and garage too.  He doesn't disrespect me or my time by leaving shit for me to pick up, clean up or put away.  The man even cooks with me...........or maybe it's me cooking with him.  yes.  He doesn't get offended over discussing what we will eat for dinner.  

I just adore him and I know that it's disgusting for anyone following this blog because I KNOW what it's like to read or see other people who are happy gush about their partners HOWEVER

this is the first time i've ever been ABLE to.  And god damn it, I'm making up for lost gush time.

He may get sick of me someday, or I of him.  But not today!  

Donuts

I gave myself a little pep talk this morning about eating right and laying off the sugar......the only thing bothering me lately is my pants size and i'd like to get it down to where i'm most comfortable.  I don't think it's unreasonable.  Just gonna require some self control and a some movement.

Felt pretty good about it too.......and then I stuffed two donuts into my mouth 10 minutes after arriving at work. 

WHY?!

Well it would have been kinda rude not to.

Really.

I arrived at my office door to find a chair right in front of it with a box of donuts and a note on top.  It was left by a faculty member as a "tangible thank you" for my assistance with a problem he had last week. 

What a nice surprise - to be thanked.  I mean, the donuts were not necessary but they were a nice touch. It's actually a little embarrassing but since i'm not keeping this huge box in my office to tempt me and i can't rip the top off where the note is written - faculty will see it because i'm sharing it in the coffee room. 

I really wish CERTAIN faculty would see it.  And stuff a donut up their ass while they are at it. 

I love my job.  I love my job.  I love my job.

I really DO actually love my job.  Just not everyone i have to work with.  or for, depending on how you look at it.

SO.  Off to a great start on a Friday morning, all sugared up and ready to roll.  I see a nap in my near future. 

Venti a lotta

Two things drive me insane, in a bad way -

People who drive 60 mph in the left lane with no-one in front of them and a long line of traffic behind them.  Are you blind?  Do you not understand that the middle or right lane is just as paved as the left?  You are the cause of accidents because people are zipping in and out of lanes trying to get AROUND you, in the passing lane.  Where you are traveling.  Slowly.  Asshole. 

Highway driving is going to make me into a monster.  ok.  It has made me into a monster.  I don't care.

SECOND- I don't give a shit who uses the public bathroom.  I don't care what parts they have.  There are stalls and i don't need to verify if someone is packing or not.  Peeing in public is already bad, and filthy.  I'm busy trying not to touch anything, not checking to see if that bearded lady is actually a man.  SO when my work decided to make the private bathrooms on my floor (one toilet, private) "unisex" instead of "male" or "female".......it didn't faze me because who cares? 

And then, the goddamned toilet seat is constantly left up and there is piss on the toilet and floor.

Fuck you asshole Men that think it's funny to go into the only bathroom that has a box on the wall for feminine disposal and leave the seat up so we have to touch it.  OR just try to aim in the middle and end up with pee all over the seat.  Fuck you clueless males that don't think about anyone but yourselves when nature calls.  CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF YOU PIG.

I've spent the past year NOT having to clean up piss and shit.  I have to say, I have grown fond of it.  I used to think it was just part of living with a male but GUESS WHAT?  It's not.  Its part of being a lazy ass pig that thinks someone else should clean up after you.  I mind.

I'm not in a bad mood.  I just didn't want to talk about males.  Oops, i did it again. 

what home feels like

This commute has been........interesting.  It takes me a minimum of 45 minutes each way during rush hour traffic - the entire trip on highways. 

I think it was when i drove to NY to see my daughter - that i lost any inhibitions I had about highway driving.  The ex had said he would go with me and then that morning something better came up (his new screw) so I went anyways, by myself.  I'm grateful because if i hadn't gone alone and gotten over my anxiety this commute would leave me without a job.  It allowed me to meet Mike. Getting over my fear of the highway opened up my world.

That is a pretty massive change for me, this ability to drive anywhere and not feel terrified.  I still hate tunnels but i've even done THAT without the heart palpitations.  It's amazing what a person can do when they have to.  It has allowed me to be free, to go wherever i want whenever i want, with or without company. 

I don't rush home everyday, and generally i don't go directly home either.  This is also a big change.  I don't feel that almost panicky feeling anymore, like if i don't hurry up and get there i will not be able to prevent........what?  I think the first time i came home and found the chick next door sneaking out of the basement where the ex bf was should have been the last time.  Actually, had i been at full "Maribeth" and not already trained to shut up and take shit, there would have been some bloodshed.  Not hers. 

Ah, it's so nice to be back.  I have to thank the ex and give him credit for me being a social creature once again.  I learned how to be alone at parties where i knew no-one and be comfortable.  I learned how to deflect attention from men who didn't know I was actually there with someone because he was constantly disappearing.  I learned how to feel comfortable and confident speaking to anyone about anything.  I also learned how to not give a shit if everyone didn't like me.  Fact is, there were a lot of people i wasn't in love with being around myself.   

After having been married for so long to someone who required me to be attached to his hip, someone who would growl at old men in grocery stores if they made eye contact with me, someone who followed me to the library to make sure i wasn't cheating, went through our garbage to find "evidence" that i was, someone who was batshit crazy and almost brought me there with him - the ex bf was a nice change.  He couldn't give a shit what i did, with who or where.  As long as it didn't interfere with him.  It was the first step in getting back to myself.  And the break up was the second and final step.

Home for me has always hinged on a man.  I went from my mothers home (awful) to my future husbands home (awful) to living on my own with my children (difficult and scary but better) to living with my ex bf (lonely).  Then i lived with my closest friend and her family for almost a year and found out what normal looks like.  What a loving family looks like.  Not always sunshine and roses, but always home.  Always safe.  Always love.  Even when crabby or overwhelmed.  I got to see it, finally.......what i wanted for myself, that it is real and that it is possible to have.

So, now i'm not afraid of highways, not worried about what is going on at home when i'm not there, and I look forward to seeing Mike every day while actually living my life in the meantime.  I don't feel put on pause until he arrives.  I don't feel like everything hinges on what he is doing, or wants to do.  I feel like my own person who shares a life with another fully capable person.  This is what safe feels like.  This is how it feels to be loved, and love in return.  This is home. 

Now.  It's time to change my job and gain back 2 hours of the day to myself. 

still sugar

Yes.  We are still in that sweet stage that makes everyone but us want to vomit.  I don't see any end to it, at least not that soon.  When two people who have been so sad for so long find each other and all the parts match up perfectly.......it's a time to celebrate and appreciate.


Its not fair to compare past relationships to my present one and yet, i do find myself noticing the differences - of course a lot can't compare because it simply has never happened before.  Like this trust feeling.......something i flat out told previous men would never occur because i just never knew how.  I've learned that you CAN'T learn to trust, its there - or not.  This isn't to say i haven't trusted my ex's with many things, just not EVERYTHING........i've always held a piece back for myself because I knew even in the beginning that they were temporary and that they would hurt me.  Was this their fault or mine?  Both.  It was mine for staying in relationship where i knew i wasn't valued, and it was theirs for proving me right.

Dysfunction anyone?  I stand by the feeling that i had to experience my previous relationships in order to not fuck up this one.  I had to learn.  Boy, did I learn.  I'm sure there is plenty more to learn about myself, about him - about life in general, and the fact that i trust him 100% makes that an exciting thing to look forward to.  I feel excited.  All. The. Time.  Not manic "enjoy this while it lasts" excitement.........I just look forward to anything and everything that we do together and even apart - I love being able to talk to him about adventures outside of us.  I love that he listens and TALKS to me, that he can take my kind of teasing, that his teasing doesn't demean or belittle me, that we can't pass each other without touching...........

Enough.  I know.  But for fucks sake I have been waiting for this feeling my entire life.  I'm not owned, and i don't need to worry about what he's doing when he's not with me.  I don't have to know what he's doing every minute of the day because of the fact that I know he isn't betraying and disrespecting me by either using hardcore drugs (ex husband) or trying to add to his stable of women (ex bf).

He is a man.  He has a backbone and a brain and that isn't altered by my mood.  He has compassion and empathy.  He cares enough about me to care about the people i care about.  He has willingly and without temper met some of my friends, all who have told me how much they like him.  This may not seem like a big deal to normal people who have had normal relationships, but i've NEVER had my friends say they like my partner.  Usually they wonder what the hell i'm up to.  Usually they don't understand why i'm with that man, who can't be bothered not only with them but with anything that is important to me - including ME.

Apparently I glow.  And i'm happy.  Really, happy.  Nothing seems to faze me much lately - I feel like everything in my world is cohesive for the first time.  There are not pieces of myself that i need to hide or hold down so that he is comfortable with me - he likes me at 100%, and the feeling is mutual.  I FEEL lit up from within.......when i'm with him and when i'm not.  I'm not worried about anything because i know everything is always going to work out.  Even the bad shit that happens in life will work out.

I'm not alone anymore.  I was alone for a long time within relationships and i finally learned that it was much better to fly solo than being unhappy with someone.  I always thought people go through unhappiness and stay together because that is commitment, I didn't want to be like my mother who changed men as often as underwear.  I had a very twisted idea of relationships and there are times even now that i have to stop and ask myself where my feelings are coming from.  The difference is that now I know and can own it, and let it pass when it's mine- or speak up when i feel like i need to.  Frankly, I haven't needed to with him yet.  He considers me.  I've always wanted that and gone without.  Well, not anymore.  And i didn't even have to fight for it.

IF this relationship begins to go south I am not afraid to "fail" and move on.  I won't be hanging on to anyone who isn't good for me again because now i know that you can't make someone love and/or value you, no matter how hard you try to love them, or try to prove yourself, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how much you do for them - I became a doormat with no backbone  because I allowed it to happen because I didn't value my own self.  And if you can't value yourself, no one else will either.