This commute has been........interesting. It takes me a minimum of 45 minutes each way during rush hour traffic - the entire trip on highways.
I think it was when i drove to NY to see my daughter - that i lost any inhibitions I had about highway driving. The ex had said he would go with me and then that morning something better came up (his new screw) so I went anyways, by myself. I'm grateful because if i hadn't gone alone and gotten over my anxiety this commute would leave me without a job. It allowed me to meet Mike. Getting over my fear of the highway opened up my world.
That is a pretty massive change for me, this ability to drive anywhere and not feel terrified. I still hate tunnels but i've even done THAT without the heart palpitations. It's amazing what a person can do when they have to. It has allowed me to be free, to go wherever i want whenever i want, with or without company.
I don't rush home everyday, and generally i don't go directly home either. This is also a big change. I don't feel that almost panicky feeling anymore, like if i don't hurry up and get there i will not be able to prevent........what? I think the first time i came home and found the chick next door sneaking out of the basement where the ex bf was should have been the last time. Actually, had i been at full "Maribeth" and not already trained to shut up and take shit, there would have been some bloodshed. Not hers.
Ah, it's so nice to be back. I have to thank the ex and give him credit for me being a social creature once again. I learned how to be alone at parties where i knew no-one and be comfortable. I learned how to deflect attention from men who didn't know I was actually there with someone because he was constantly disappearing. I learned how to feel comfortable and confident speaking to anyone about anything. I also learned how to not give a shit if everyone didn't like me. Fact is, there were a lot of people i wasn't in love with being around myself.
After having been married for so long to someone who required me to be attached to his hip, someone who would growl at old men in grocery stores if they made eye contact with me, someone who followed me to the library to make sure i wasn't cheating, went through our garbage to find "evidence" that i was, someone who was batshit crazy and almost brought me there with him - the ex bf was a nice change. He couldn't give a shit what i did, with who or where. As long as it didn't interfere with him. It was the first step in getting back to myself. And the break up was the second and final step.
Home for me has always hinged on a man. I went from my mothers home (awful) to my future husbands home (awful) to living on my own with my children (difficult and scary but better) to living with my ex bf (lonely). Then i lived with my closest friend and her family for almost a year and found out what normal looks like. What a loving family looks like. Not always sunshine and roses, but always home. Always safe. Always love. Even when crabby or overwhelmed. I got to see it, finally.......what i wanted for myself, that it is real and that it is possible to have.
So, now i'm not afraid of highways, not worried about what is going on at home when i'm not there, and I look forward to seeing Mike every day while actually living my life in the meantime. I don't feel put on pause until he arrives. I don't feel like everything hinges on what he is doing, or wants to do. I feel like my own person who shares a life with another fully capable person. This is what safe feels like. This is how it feels to be loved, and love in return. This is home.
Now. It's time to change my job and gain back 2 hours of the day to myself.
I think it was when i drove to NY to see my daughter - that i lost any inhibitions I had about highway driving. The ex had said he would go with me and then that morning something better came up (his new screw) so I went anyways, by myself. I'm grateful because if i hadn't gone alone and gotten over my anxiety this commute would leave me without a job. It allowed me to meet Mike. Getting over my fear of the highway opened up my world.
That is a pretty massive change for me, this ability to drive anywhere and not feel terrified. I still hate tunnels but i've even done THAT without the heart palpitations. It's amazing what a person can do when they have to. It has allowed me to be free, to go wherever i want whenever i want, with or without company.
I don't rush home everyday, and generally i don't go directly home either. This is also a big change. I don't feel that almost panicky feeling anymore, like if i don't hurry up and get there i will not be able to prevent........what? I think the first time i came home and found the chick next door sneaking out of the basement where the ex bf was should have been the last time. Actually, had i been at full "Maribeth" and not already trained to shut up and take shit, there would have been some bloodshed. Not hers.
Ah, it's so nice to be back. I have to thank the ex and give him credit for me being a social creature once again. I learned how to be alone at parties where i knew no-one and be comfortable. I learned how to deflect attention from men who didn't know I was actually there with someone because he was constantly disappearing. I learned how to feel comfortable and confident speaking to anyone about anything. I also learned how to not give a shit if everyone didn't like me. Fact is, there were a lot of people i wasn't in love with being around myself.
After having been married for so long to someone who required me to be attached to his hip, someone who would growl at old men in grocery stores if they made eye contact with me, someone who followed me to the library to make sure i wasn't cheating, went through our garbage to find "evidence" that i was, someone who was batshit crazy and almost brought me there with him - the ex bf was a nice change. He couldn't give a shit what i did, with who or where. As long as it didn't interfere with him. It was the first step in getting back to myself. And the break up was the second and final step.
Home for me has always hinged on a man. I went from my mothers home (awful) to my future husbands home (awful) to living on my own with my children (difficult and scary but better) to living with my ex bf (lonely). Then i lived with my closest friend and her family for almost a year and found out what normal looks like. What a loving family looks like. Not always sunshine and roses, but always home. Always safe. Always love. Even when crabby or overwhelmed. I got to see it, finally.......what i wanted for myself, that it is real and that it is possible to have.
So, now i'm not afraid of highways, not worried about what is going on at home when i'm not there, and I look forward to seeing Mike every day while actually living my life in the meantime. I don't feel put on pause until he arrives. I don't feel like everything hinges on what he is doing, or wants to do. I feel like my own person who shares a life with another fully capable person. This is what safe feels like. This is how it feels to be loved, and love in return. This is home.
Now. It's time to change my job and gain back 2 hours of the day to myself.
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