This is a question I always ask anyone who comes to me upset about relationship problems. The point being that over time, THIS particular situation that has you so upset? It probably won't matter in a year.
I can't remember the date I told my ex I wanted a divorce. I can't remember the date of when I moved out finally- still married and still too poor to file. I remember the events, but the dates don't stand out because in my head I was already long gone. I had already left him, many times over in my mind.
That looks nasty in print. But truth is truth and thats what i tell. At that point, his feelings really meant nothing to me. That rubber band of caring had been snapped for the last time. Don't get me wrong, i felt for his pain from a distance, but as a participant? No.
So when it was my turn years later to have my life end as i knew it - I recognized that he had already been long gone. Again, truth is truth. There are many that would say he had been gone for years, hell from the START.........but i'm not THAT vacant. There were good times. There were loving times. There were times i felt complete.
Just not often, and never for long.
As the world crashed down around me on this day a year ago I asked myself "Will it matter in a year?" And i'm here to tell you.......No. It doesn't. And i need to see THAT in print.
I asked my therapist why I sometimes feel waves of sadness regarding that relationship when i'm so happy in my current relationship? Does that mean what i have now is not real? How can i feel sad for some other man? She reassured me that it is perfectly normal and that it may take years, or however long it takes, to mourn the loss. There is no time limit.
I've been "off" the past couple of days - remembering how alone, how sad, how blind i was purposely being this time last year. The relationship sucked. I have no reason to deny it. It wasn't for lack of me trying. As i remember how little we did together, or talked to each other - i have to wonder why it hurt at all to have it explode finally.
Because it wasn't just him. It was his family, our friends, our town, our home, our traditions - THAT was what held me there and THAT was what I continue to mourn.
No matter how much you try, or think it won't change, it does. Because its supposed to. And change hurts. From that pain though, a new life emerges.
I've given myself the year to lament, to be angry, to be sad, to write it out, talk it out, vent all the hurt and anger I've had. Last night I was hit full in the face with the fact of I do miss a lot of things that i would never have done without him. And that's okay too.
The year is up. I've cleared the space he held and now i need to clear the space of the life we had. It does me no good, and serves no purpose, to be upset about life going on with new people in my place. It happens. In all honesty, aren't I in what used to be someone else's place?
Yes, I am.
But i'm not her.
And she's not me.
And life isn't the same for anyone because the players are all different now.
I gave myself the year. Today the time is up. So i'm saying goodbye and closing the door on the good, the bad, and the ugly. No more tears, no more sadness that interferes with my happiness. It was time to move on a while ago.
It's time to be happy and make a new life. Because that WILL continue to matter to me in a year.
I can't remember the date I told my ex I wanted a divorce. I can't remember the date of when I moved out finally- still married and still too poor to file. I remember the events, but the dates don't stand out because in my head I was already long gone. I had already left him, many times over in my mind.
That looks nasty in print. But truth is truth and thats what i tell. At that point, his feelings really meant nothing to me. That rubber band of caring had been snapped for the last time. Don't get me wrong, i felt for his pain from a distance, but as a participant? No.
So when it was my turn years later to have my life end as i knew it - I recognized that he had already been long gone. Again, truth is truth. There are many that would say he had been gone for years, hell from the START.........but i'm not THAT vacant. There were good times. There were loving times. There were times i felt complete.
Just not often, and never for long.
As the world crashed down around me on this day a year ago I asked myself "Will it matter in a year?" And i'm here to tell you.......No. It doesn't. And i need to see THAT in print.
I asked my therapist why I sometimes feel waves of sadness regarding that relationship when i'm so happy in my current relationship? Does that mean what i have now is not real? How can i feel sad for some other man? She reassured me that it is perfectly normal and that it may take years, or however long it takes, to mourn the loss. There is no time limit.
I've been "off" the past couple of days - remembering how alone, how sad, how blind i was purposely being this time last year. The relationship sucked. I have no reason to deny it. It wasn't for lack of me trying. As i remember how little we did together, or talked to each other - i have to wonder why it hurt at all to have it explode finally.
Because it wasn't just him. It was his family, our friends, our town, our home, our traditions - THAT was what held me there and THAT was what I continue to mourn.
No matter how much you try, or think it won't change, it does. Because its supposed to. And change hurts. From that pain though, a new life emerges.
I've given myself the year to lament, to be angry, to be sad, to write it out, talk it out, vent all the hurt and anger I've had. Last night I was hit full in the face with the fact of I do miss a lot of things that i would never have done without him. And that's okay too.
The year is up. I've cleared the space he held and now i need to clear the space of the life we had. It does me no good, and serves no purpose, to be upset about life going on with new people in my place. It happens. In all honesty, aren't I in what used to be someone else's place?
Yes, I am.
But i'm not her.
And she's not me.
And life isn't the same for anyone because the players are all different now.
I gave myself the year. Today the time is up. So i'm saying goodbye and closing the door on the good, the bad, and the ugly. No more tears, no more sadness that interferes with my happiness. It was time to move on a while ago.
It's time to be happy and make a new life. Because that WILL continue to matter to me in a year.
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