don't want to

 i really don't want to continue therapy.

But i will. 

I'm slowly pulling the parts together  that have scattered in the wind.  I have to continue.

Yesterday, a poem started to form in my mind - having to do with evil and what it is- or what it looks like.  It isn't scary, or ugly- It comes in the form of a man/woman who you are unbearably attracted to, can't get enough of- even though they rip your soul out.  They possess your mind, take over your thoughts....you never see them coming.  That is evil.  

I'm working on it.  Mulling it in my mind.  I'm sure it's not a new concept, but to me, it is.

Especially today - All Hallows eve when the veil between the worlds lift.  

Is it about "others" or is it about yourself?  When we see ourselves and the people around us very clearly.  

My creative juices are flowing and then stopping.  Flowing than hitting a wall.

But i will run with them this time.  I will put them down when the idea becomes too tough because i've handled it too much - and i will watch the thoughts that flow through my brain and notice how they affect my body.

Yesterday i saw a video of a woman who creates "glimmers" in her community.  Glimmers are the opposite of triggers.  They bring little sparks of joy.  I decided i want to leave glimmers for people as well...........and so tonight my project begins.  Not expensive, or too difficult - just time, and thought and then planting in random places for people to find.  Words of encouragement.

Don't we all need that?

I will carry them with me always and leave them wherever i go.  And i hope others will do the same.  I hope the country gets littered with glimmers.

If i was an artist i would create chalk drawings on streets and pathways the way she does.  But that's her way- i have my own.

Also, today marks 9 years of being single.  My last "relationship" ended on this day in 2016.  Look at me now.  Some things remain the same and others have become unrecognizable as "me".  And i love that for myself.

Today is my happy new year, happy new life.  My freedom day.  I'm toasting with coffee.

The Ghost in you ` The psychedelic Furs

 That was this morning's song from Mister.  

I get a good morning, and a song, and an affirmation.  I respond with "thank you" because i don't know what to do with all of that. 

I don't want to get used to it.  

I used to be that person a long time ago.  I would write poetry, (never said good poetry) and i would draw cards, copy down lyrics, and share them with my then boyfriend.  But they never seemed to care.  And i eventually stopped because it felt......stupid.

And now, it's uncomfortable.   Having it done to me, is that what my bf's in the past felt?  Like "what do i do with this?"........i want to believe him.  I want to return the effort.  But i'm frozen. And i'm disbelieving. And i'm cynical.

And i don't think i'm worthy of this type of attention.

Yes, therapy tomorrow. I was thinking about stopping and i mentioned it to Mister.  His reaction was that i shouldn't...that i should carry on with my goals to make myself first and heal myself.  Then he apologized for being passionate in his response.  But i heard him, and i valued that he listened to what i had said in the begining of this.  I need to put me first and get myself right before i can have anyone elses needs take over.

Today i focus on work, tonight i focus on paying some bills and tracking out my finances which are more than a little tight.

I've been worrying that my job is at risk.  Not because i don't do a good job, but because i feel a lot changing around here and i get "feelings".  

So a mix of appreciation for the attention i'm receiving from a kind man, and apprehension over financial stability.

Such is life.

Big Meeting

 Today i attend an important meeting with all faculty and administration regarding my program.

I'm not nervous.  yet.

Woke up, put on professional makeup (barely there) slacks, silk shell, and a black wool blazer - added a silky scarf for a little pizzaz.  Classy jewelry ...but left my nose stud in.

And off i go.

now i'm nervous.

about what?  I don't have to speak, i'm just attending.  I want everyone to know my face, not just my emails.  Some have been super unpleasant, but others, amazing.  All should know who I am.  I touch their stuff.  I know things.  I'm the do-bee baby.  

So i'm excited to be known, and thats a huge difference from normal.  I almost didn't get married because i didn't want to be the center of attention.  And look at me now.

Yesterday i worked from home and plowed through so much "stuff".  I was content with my productivity.  After work i sat down and put together a snowball payoff debt plan.  And i'm working on a budget.  By the time i get paid tomorrow, i will know where every single cent of my pay is going, and how the next paychecks will be spent.

I'm in overdrive with my finances.  I need to get control and pay off debt fast.  I dont want it hanging over my head.  I want savings.  I want vacations.  I want experiences.  And i can't do all of that comfortably (meaning being able to sleep at night) without knowing i'm financially secure.

I've always been hand to mouth.  I need to be better.  

So i'm back into goals and achievments which is were i think i was before i allowed my emotions to sidetrack me with Bill.

See?  Always a lesson to be learned.  And trust, i've learned.

Death of Shenanigans

Last night was hard, but i knew it was coming ever since our Florida vacation.  

Shenanigans is dead to me.  I started this group years ago during covid on an application called "KiK" which was a chat program that you could have public and private groups in.  I was in a group that was a lot of fun, but got dramatic.  So i decided to start my own group.

Shenanigans was born.  And it thrived.  The room was usually full, meaning no new people could join because we were at max.  Any time or day it was hopping.  Someone was always around to talk to. People came, and went.  A lot stayed and fit the non-mold that we had.  We listened, we debated and we didn't judge.  Everyone was welcome as long as they were from Connecticut.

Because i hosted meet and greets.  People in the group would meet out at public places to get to talk in person with each other.  And eventually, the group had a solid base of consistent members that had become friends.

I had administrators, and formed a separate group from the chat that only included the "core" members.  These members would get together regularly in each others homes and if we wanted someone from the main group to join we would invite them.  But new people that came into the main chat had to be met in public at a meet and greet first.  So we knew who they were.  as much as we could, vet them.

It was it's own little community.  And it was fun for the times we were in, and for as long as it lasted.

After covid, when we went back to old ways that were now new.....the group started to drop off.  It had served it's purpose.  I handed ownership over to another member and left.  I had outgrown it, i no longer had time for it. I left KIK entirely.  I had made my core group of friends and we were all connected on facebook so i created a chat group there so we could still make arrangements to see each other easily and make plans in one place.  We keep in touch there, in between get togethers.  It's not what KIK was, it's more like a family chat.  We called ourselves "la familia" and we meant it.

for a little while.

The florida trip brought a lot to light about how some people actually live their lives and the fit that had been so comfortable before, was now, not so much.  And it became blaringly obvious to me.  But i sat back and watched- And what i saw is me, Jen and Doug always managing to find time to be together because we don't have to go out or do anything special aside from just being together.  And then Eddie came back, and he makes time to see us too.  The four of us always manage to make time for each other in our hectic and busy lives.  But the others......they would always say "we need to get together" and not make the plan, or offer an invitation.  It was lip service.  At first, "they" would be invited to "our" last minute get togethers, and they never made it.  So the group slowly divided. And apparently there were feelings about it.

I make the time.  Doug and Jen make the time.  Eddie makes the time.  And eventually we just stopped inviting the ones that always had an excuse. Because honestly, nobody cared what the excuses were.  Just say you can't and please let me know next time.  Make an effort.  But instead they became jealous of the effort we were putting in, where they put in none.

Every year we do a Friendsgiving, and that is when i give out handmade gifts to everyone in the group because i want to.  And every year,  Jen and Doug host and began to also include gifts.  So now we make the gifts together and give them.  This year, they cannot host because they have a full house with their adult daughter and grandchildren.  So i am hosting.  I was not in the chat group when the dates were discussed and Jen told me the date. I went in to the chat (i haven't had a lot of time) and invited everyone to my home on the date they choose to have our friendsgiving.

Last night Bree has an announcement that she is dealing with so much emotionally and she needs to step back from the group and focus 100% on herself.  Okay, this is pretty much a quarterly announcement from her, and we are all used to encouraging her to take care of herself (she won't) and then she gets invited to whatever we are doing and all she has to do is show up.  She gets a "we just want you here" and then we all applaud her for showing up.

I'm over it.  Ever since Florida i can't pretend that that behavior isn't part of who she is.  It's not growth, it's not temporary, its someone who is out of control and uses it as an excuse while doing nothing about it.  Ever.  

So i say nothing, but sit back and watch.  The normal noises of support arise.  Then she says she understands if she gets kicked out of the group.

Which was a gut punch.  No one has ever been kicked out of this group.  They leave of their own accord.  We used to chase to find out why but now we agree that if someone leaves that is a show of their interest in our friendship group.  Adios.  I personally have issues with people who are childish and leave a group in a huff because they don't get their way.  We are adults.

Anyways, she knows no one has ever been kicked out, and her saying that hit me like a brick.  So you need time away (which we all take without announcing it) and you think we are booting you?  Meaning, you think I am booting you?  Fuck off.  And basically, i said that only slightly nicer because it was bullshit and it was hurtful and selfish.  Then Dave got involved defending her and i told him the same thing.  

I run to my friends in times of crisis.  And i don't drop inuendo into their laps and then use it as an excuse to never put any effort into the friendship.  Friendship goes both ways.  You are there for each other.  And we have always been there for her, with money, with time, with support......and she says that.  And yes, i will say that she has taken and taken and never given back.  Not even time.

So if you think we will kick you out because you are dipping as you always do.........fuck off.  

And then, i left the chat group. 

I will no longer suffer one sided relationships with people who cannot be real.  Shenanigans served it's purpose for many years and it's done now.  It was outgrown.  Some friendships have grown stronger, and some sat in the same soil they were seeded in.  Shenanigans is dead.  

Happy accidents

 This weekend was full, and happy.  

Doug and Jen picked me up Saturday morning and we hit the road to do leaf peeping and get out of the house. Our plan was vague, except we were heading out to Woodstock Connecticut.  We ended up at a breakfast place that we randomly picked out of desperation because we were hungry, and now i think it will be a regular for me.  It's in Canton and it was delightful.  When we pulled in there was  a huge happy Budha, and i took that as a good sign.  

I was right.  Seasonal, farm to table food at pretty decent prices.  The place is private, not a chain, and has the owners action figure collection all over the wall - along with local art work, and even a "take a book" shelf filled with books for kids and adults alike.

It felt like we were eating at a friends house.  I love places like that. We were off to a great start.

We ended up at a few cool places, and i took a crazy amount of pictures. Of flowers.  I know, i can't really recognize myself either.  But i had to.  They were gorgeous.  We went to a pink gothic revival house, can't remember the town, but it was "out there" in the boonies for sure.  Beautiful.  We did't go on the tour, but spent a lot of time walking around the outside and enjoying the scenery.

Perfectly New England.  It's what we are known for, and yet, rarely remember to enjoy since we see it all the time.

Back to the house for crockpot missippi pot roast and mashed potatoes - along with homemade sourdough bread  that Kate, their daughter made for us.  She also sent me some sour dough starter since mine just doesn't seem to be happening.  We ate, and we then reclined in front of the televison with Doug on the remote, and Jen and I chatting and scrolling our phones.

Not exciting, yet my second favorite part of hanging out with them.  Because it's home.  it's not guests.  

Then another friend dropped by, thinking we were having fun without her, and got a taste of how boring we probably are to everyone else.  Jen went to bed, I fell asleep on the couch and when i woke up Doug was telling me to go to bed, and the added friend had vacated the premises.

Next morning, I got up and made coffee in the dark, and sat quietly with Jen in the dark scrolling our phones quietly while Doug snored and farted on the couch....We all get up pretty early, and just sit quietly in each others presense waking up.  

That is my favorite part of hanging out with them.  

You don't do that with people you aren't close to.  

They left a few hours later, and i got ready to go out with Mister for the day.  We went to Hartford Rose Garden and walked while i took pictures again......of lots of flowers.  We joked around and had fun, even took a video of ourselves so i can extract frames for funny pictures.

Watching the video i look happy.  And funny.  like i'm having fun posing him, and playing around like kids.

He wrote me a poem. and he brought me Munsons Chocolates.  I mean.........I have no words.

He didn't expect me to make him read it out loud.  But he happily did so, and yes, it made me feel something akin to being valued, and thought about.  It was quite specific to me.  And he had zero embarrassment about presenting it to me.  

He took me out to lunch, and we headed back to my place because by that time, i was needing some quiet time, and a nap.  I invited him  to watch a scary movie with me and told him i very well may miss it because i was sleepy.  We took off our shoes and socks and piled warm blankets on my dual recliners and started the movie.  It was SO good and we didn't miss any of it.

I invited him to the Friendsgiving for Shenanigans that i'm hosting this year, and he confirmed he will attend this morning.  He invited me to go to NY to see his best friend, so i can meet him.

All as friends.

There is still no kissy face, no sexual contact and no promise of it every being anything more than it is at this moment.

I'm slowly becoming used to not touching his car door handle.  Of having someone make the plans, and integrate what i think i want to do into the plans with no fuss. Of having someone care, and maintain control over his own wants because he's actually listening to my needs at this time.

I'm going slow, and every  time i jump ahead i remind myself to enjoy this period for what it is.  How relationships that last are supposed to start.  By knowing each other and appreciating it.

Even if Mister and I don't make it, i am learning what it's supposed to be like.  

still smarts

 Every time i think i'm over it, i'm not.

And we never even had a good relationship so ........

Had therapy again this morning and it's still in the early stages but i'm already seeing things that i already knew..........i know i don't think i deserve a good man who will treat me well.

Does it matter why?

And how do i stop that?

They call it stuck points.  What we tell ourselves and we believe it wether or not its true at all.  

Okay.

So i'm going to have my thoughts rewired?  Will i be the same sardonic person that my friends love as I am right now?

Is all this even worth it?

It took me 8 years to get over a 13 year relationship...........maybe it will take me a couple of months to get over Bill and not have hurt feelings in my chest when i think about him.

I keep asking myself if its even really about HIM, or is it about not being chosen?  Different days i have different answers.Right now i'm just grateful that he has receded into darkness and i haven't heard from him at all in over a week.

more weeks, more time........and i should be fine.  Of course i will be.  It's the not knowing that bothers me.  Did they get back together at least?  Can someone be happy?  At least?

Mister must be a saint, or he's not as perfect as he seems.  My therapist told me i am doing the right thing not making any promises.  This might get harder before it gets easier for me.

So i'm doing the work, putting in the time, and having faith that if veterans have had this work for them then it damn sure should be able to work for my lame ass.

Whaaaaat?!

 Last night i had a craving for a fancy coffee.  As i was texting a bit with Mister i told him.  He said to send him a picture of what i wanted and he would deliver it.

yah, right.

And half an hour later he was at my door with a fancy coffee in hand.

So i let him in. :)

We sat talking for a couple of hours and then i told him i was going to bed.  Bye now.  And he left.

No kissy face, no sexy talk (although we did discuss sex a bit because I ask a lot of questions and he  tells a lot of truth without hesitation, without getting defensive......even though i might not appreciate the answer- WHICH doesn't bother me because truth is all i've ever wanted out of a man.  What the truth IS is besides the point.  That was then, this is now.  We all evolve.

I mean, the likelihood of me ever being part of  a spontaneous orgy is probably never going to happen again but i still don't judge anyone's choices before they met me.

During me, yes, i have opinions.  But only in how i want to be treated.  I don't want to change anyone or keep them from doing things they want because of my existence in their life.  I do want to know, because that is intimacy, that is CHOICE, that is respect for your partner.  

What that actually looks like.......i don't know. But that is what i aspire to.  Intimacy is not ownership - it is sharing the deepest darkest feelings or the ugly thoughts that haunt you with someone who will still love you.  Intimacy isn't all roses and sunshine.  It's not easy.  

It's more than sex. A lot more.

This morning driving in to work i was reminded of some of the craziness i've been unfortunate enough to experience in my life and how sometimes, i showed real creativity to get myself out of potential dangerous situations.

The man from years ago, who took me out to a meet and greet with a bunch of people, drank way too much, put his hands on me in the parking lot when he wouldn't give me the car keys to drive - a big huge scene.  I finally drove us back to my place, got out of the car which was his and left the door open (indicating go home you putz) and went in the house.  He did not take the hint and made a big scene and i let him in so he didn't wake up my neighbors (Three family house, there were two locked doors and he had a key to the outside not the inside) were i ignored him until he passed out IN MY BED.  I sat up that night wondering how to get rid of this man (there was a lot involved) and then i went to his coat, took out his keys and replaced my house key with a random key from my junk drawer.

That way, it looked like he still had the key.

When he got up in the morning i told him i couldn't talk to him without coffee - and sent him out to get it.....like everything was fine.  I locked the doors behind him, and when he tried to get back in....nope.

There's more, but lets say he never showed his face in my apartment again.  And he always thought i had the lock changed in the short time he had been out.......

Of course, NOW i know that i have better options if any man ever got me to that point again....like, UBER and the police.  But at that point i just wanted him  to stop, and not wake up my neighbors.  I don't like drama believe it or not....that would have mortified me.

I'm not worried about mortification any more.

So......coffee.  Can't live without the stuff.  

second one today!

 scrolling though my facebook memories and from 15 years ago today i posted:

Ba BANG! The law doesn't like Brians backyard specials round heya.

I remember that day clearly- With my ex lighting "special" fireworks off the back deck with a couple of friends.  Enjoying the beautiful evening and disturbing our neighbors.   Just like real hicks. 

Imagine my reaction as the nice officers came up the back steps and stood talking to us  .....right where my ex's huge weed plant was thriving.

No way they didn't see it, hell, SMELL it, but looked right through it.  

Lets say it got cut down shortly thereafter.   I was big mad.  not little mad. 

This would be an example of me being "no fun" i suppose.  

what a wet blanket. 

Check in

 Sorry i haven't called, i'm so busy at work.

I don't think thats going to fly when it's me talking to myself.

But i really have been busy at work.  And my private life has seemed to center out a bit with the exception of a few unexpected meltdowns.

I'm trying to pretend i know what i'm doing at work- and i'm suddenly interacting with so many people who have intimidated me in the past......and now i'm feeling like part of a team again.  But i don't kid myself.  I have the knowledge and history that they need probably to put me out of a job ......

Not really, but it's always a possibility.  Everything is changing very rapidly around here and i'm just tying to remain relevant. 

Mister texted me to have a good night after work yesterday - he was going out with a friend, Darcy.  I waited to feel something.....nope.  Don't care.  I think thats good?  He has a lot of female friends which brings up a few alarms in the back of my head but i think i'll just wait and see how it pans out.

Sometimes i wonder if he's gay.

There i said it.

at the very least, Bi.

Does it matter?  The gay part would matter.  I'm not that cool. 

He'd probably be mortified that i'm even wondering.  The man has 4 children, 2 adults and 2 youngers.  He sure likes making babies at least.

This morning my phone was beebing like mad.  I had 3 different people making plans with me for the weekend.  Doug and Jen are picking me up Saturday morning and we are going on an all day adventure, then coming home to eat crockpot dinner and eat gummies and drink.  They will stay over.  Sunday we will have breakfast, and hang out until they leave.  Sunday afternoon i will probably see Mister for a few hours. 

I better get all my chores and housecleaning done this week.

My phone was annoying me- and then i stopped and thought how lucky i am to have people in my life that make plans with me.

That want to spend time with me.

Even when i have literally nothing to offer.

That said, i might be doing a longer than 3 mile walk with my gf Sarah after work Friday - she is a great encourager.  I can't wait for her to see the difference in the last time we walked together - AND that i can go up and down my front steps without holding on to the railings.

lol Such small things that make me feel so accomplished.

M needs a name

 Mister. Manly. Marvelous. Maybe. Mine. 

i'm gonna go with Mister.  The rest is yet to be determined.

He called me last night, and we talked for a long, but not too long time.  We reviewed Sundays meltdown, and relationship status was reinforced as "no pressure" until the end of therapy and no promises about what happens from there.  

It seems the most honest way for me to behave - and he has the freedom to do as he pleases.

Stupid because even if we were in a "relationship" he would still be able to do as he pleases....as would I.  

Whatever, the words get in the way.

What i liked:  When he left he went home and picked up his camera, and went out to take pictures.  He hasn't done it in forever and I was encouraging him to get back into it.  He is an amazing photographer.  His pictures make you feel something.  

And he did.  And he enjoyed himself.  And he is sparked to pick it up again - That made me happy.  He didn't just talk about it, he went and did it.  

He said he loved my beef stew. He ate it for lunch and dinner and slurped up  the juice at the bottom of the bowl.  I do make good beef stew.  He said he wished he had gone ahead and accepted the bisquits i had tried to add to it.  Next time.

And when i said i wanted to go read my book, we were off the phone quickly.  No attitude.  No trying to keep me on the line.  

Easy.

And we know how i feel about easy.  Mistrustful, uninterested.  Well, usually.  Last night i just felt heard and like what i wanted mattered.

that little voice in my head is asking "how long does THAT last mb?"

I guess it lasts as long as i accept no less.  I have a part in this.  I don't have to accept anything BUT caring and respect.  Thats on me.

In other news, my joints hurt really bad.  It started with my left arm, where i got my flu shot, and now it has spread throughout my body.  It literally hurts.  To the point that movement is very uncomfortable, and that is interferring with my daily movement goals.  If it gets worse i'm going to call my doctor, and what is she going to do about it?  Give me a pill?

Today i make sure i am drinking enough water - make sure it's not dehydration.  

better than before

 so......my meltdown yesterday.  Unexpected.

M is testing the waters- tried holding my hand as we were walking and i groaned (yes, out loud) and he said if i was uncomfortable it was okay we could not.  But i heard "that" in his voice so i held on, awkwardly for a few moments before i let go.  

Later he tried again, and i had the same loud groan that came out without my approval - and again, i tried.  He asked me about it and i had to think a moment.

I used to love holding hands, and demonstrations of affection (outside the bedroom) so much in fact that it was then used as a tool to punish me.

Mad at me? no holding my hand.  Want something? hold my hand.  Maybe not that simplistic, but you get the idea.  Demonstrations of affection were turned on me and used as a tool.  Not just by the ex husband, but by the 13yearex as well.  

So it became something i grew to detest.  I do not allow it.  The only snuggling i do is before sleep- otherwise it's very stiff, and uncomfortable.  Contrived.  I'm waiting for the bomb to drop, what does he want?  How long will it take for him to withdraw the affection he once gave freely?

Nope.  No thank you.

However, i'm depriving myself of something that is a human need.  Touch.  Thats generally how i know i'm into someone, because i can't stop touching them  HOWEVER, i have begun to think about it, and now i think it's my nervous system reacting.  This "need" to keep touching a man i like.  As if i'm soaking up as much as i can because my subconscious already knows he is not into me as much as i am into him. 

The touching - Carlos, and Bill.  Carlos was receptive to it, seemed to enjoy it but Bill.....had the same reaction i have when M, or another male, tries to hold my hand or touch me without reason. (reason being sex)

I AM a hugger.  I love big long hugs from men and women because i think they heal both people.  And i think it fill my own need for physical touch because since i stopped having sex....it's the only touch i get with ease.

And i explained this to M who seemed to accept and understand that it will take me some time to "get used" to having my hand held without having a knee jerk reaction.

So maybe thats movement toward the positive?  Or maybe i'm making myself do something i don't want to do for a man.  I will let my therapist assist with this line of thought.

My point is that i allowed myself to think about my reaction, try to identify why i have it, and then express my thoughts to a man who genuinely wanted to know.

But it also stressed me the fuck out.  Hand holding.  yes.  that small. 

So by the time we were rolling full speed into Burlington, where Bill lives, that was the end of my rope.

Now i understand.  I was overwhelmed.  And i gave myself grace by wanting to go home and be alone.  And i'm allowed to do that.

M is very persistent.  Depending on how you look at it that can be selfish, or that can just show that i am important to him.  He has been very direct in what he wants and the willingness to wait - even with no promises being made.  But he slips, and he does make assumptions- and that makes me panic.

I'm trying to figure out if i just put him on hold until i'm done with therapy, or if i let him take the journey with me (as he says)  There are times i just want him to go away, he's too much, and then when he looks at me with "that" longing in his eyes i feel pressure.  Yesterday he looked so sad as i sent him home holding some beef stew i had made.......the way he looked at me.  So i said "just come here and give me a kiss" and we had a little platonic kiss.  That seemed to make him feel better.

I don't want to feel like such a bitch, but i am so protective of my Self right now.  I can't just jump in and abuse the hell out of this mans good will toward me.  At the same time, this isn't about anyone but myself right now.

And yes, i still have feelings for Bill that i know are twisted and unhealthy.  I've stayed away, have not reached out, have not responded to his ways of reaching out.....

And i try not to get a lift of happiness when he does because i know THAT is contrived and only a means to stroke his own ego.  It has nothing to do with me as a person as much as its a way to validate himself....which is why he reaches out to so many women. And that is what i remind myself of.  It's not ME he wants attention from, he just wants attention period.

I deserve better. 

triggered

M picked me up at 11am and we went to the place in Collinsville that we like and always seem to end up at for lunch.  Then for a nice long leisurely walk where i got to take a lot of scenic pictures and he didn't rush me or yell at me that i wasn't burning any calories and needed to walk faster.

We sat down on a bench at a waterfall area and enjoyed the sun and talking.  Back to the car, i thought we were headed to a reptile store but we went in the wrong direction.

I was still relaxed until i realized we were going straight into Burlington, where i have just spent the past months going to see Bill, going up and down the same road with various emotions - rage, sadness, anticipation.......confusion.  It sent me into a tailspin and i couldn't help it, i started to have a mini panic attack.  I asked "where are we going" and he kept saying "don't worry i want to show you something" and I clammed up and started to shake, trying not to cry.......full blown panic attack now.

And this is why i shouldn't be going out with any men.

He thought it was because i was anxious over not knowing where we were going and he was apologetic......but........at the same time, his wants were more important than reading the room, so to speak.  He took me to the fish hatchory, which is in Burlington, and we got out and walked around looking at all the different fish and i took more pictures.

But my mood was broken.  And my headache started screaming.

It was time to go home and be alone.  He tried talking to me while we were on the way home, and i couldn't even pretend to be paying attention.  I felt nauseous.  And upset.

Basically, a basketcase.  I just wanted to be alone.

And i told him i was going to take a nap and i'd feel better......he said, "i will keep you awake" and i snapped back at him "you are going home"........I think he finally got it then.

It was such a nice time until it wasn't.  

This is going to take time and work.

Me first, my feelings matter, my therapy is the focus.  I cannot worry about anyone else right now.  He knows, i told him, and i wasn't kidding.  I don't have the energy to take care of anyone elses feelings at this point.

And now the nap and probably a 15 minute (my limit) cry to get it out.

catch up

 Last night was me taking my gf out for her birthday dinner.  We don't see each other often (discussed yesterday) but when we do, the vibe is always there.

Thats the thing about real friends.  Time goes by like nothing and you are still friends.

We confided the really important stuff, checked in about work loving or not loving......and i had a Old fashioned that cost $23 .......wTF.  Has it always been this expensive???  

We talked about income, free time, and being happy. or not.  She is a really good touch base for me because we had similar disruptive childhoods although with completely different outcomes.  That, in fact, is how we originally bonded all those years ago, when on a snowy day in Vermont while all the boys went snowmobiling, she stayed back with me (I never went on those 200 mile rides in snow and no peeing).  

She took me up over the mountain to go see her ailing grandmother in a nursing home and on the way back we did a little shopping.  By the time we headed back to the house, an ice storm hit as we were on our way back up the mountain and ta da......they closed it.  

I didn't know you COULD close a mountain, but because it was so icy and dangerous, they did.  We sat, pulled over on the side of the road in her boyfriends (now husband) very large and expensive truck and listened to music, talked, plucked out eyebrows, and then......we had to pee.  The  truck was coated in ice, the ground was coated in ice, and the two of us carefully made our slippery way to the back of the truck, laughing hysterically and trying not to pee our pants because we had waited so long.  As we both "sat" on the the back fender trying not to fall on our bare asses, we bonded.

Thats not true but it was the start.  Peeing together is a long time female ritual.  Never pee with someone you don't trust.

By the time they opened the mountain and we carefully followed a very experience plow down the other side of it, we were in tune with each other .  The circling phase of "is this a friend or an acquaintance" had ended.  Back at the house we got into pretty heavy conversation about our growing up, about our fears, and dreams about the future.

She confided that she didn't think she would be a good mother.  And i told her she definitely would be. And guess what?  She is.  

From that icy day forward we were friends.  She is my bottom line, get it done friend.  Be careful what you ask for because she will make it happen full steam ahead.  She has a deep well of caring and she will move heaven and earth to help someone, even if they don't want it sometimes.  She is very opinionated, and it always comes from a place of caring for others.

I love her husband as well.  He is/was my 13 years bf best friend.  We all spent a lot of time together.  I miss that sometimes.

She is the kind that once you are planted in her heart you aren't going anywhere.  Breakup shmakeup.  We went through an adjustment period after my breakup.  She was the one i went to the night it happened and cried and mourned in her arms at her home.....where i ran for comfort.  She had always told me he wasn't good enough for me, even though she loved him too.  And she told me again that night that better was waiting for me.  And she was right.  My life has gotten better without him.  But because the men were so close, she was thrown into the situation of having to be polite to the new woman my ex promptly tried to put in my place.  And I had difficulty with that.  Her and i went through a rough patch and she told me she was NEVER letting me go, and i think thats what i needed to hear.  And its true.  She reaches out, she stays in touch, and admittedly, she is the better friend.

And here we are today.  Always as if no time has passed.  Thats a friendship to value.  Thats love. 

Front of the bus

 Had to go down the hill today and pick up my new fancy orthotics........sexy.

I took the shuttle and my favorite driver Reggie was working.  One stop away and we picked up Darryl........and i proceeded to accuse him of riding around with Reggie all day because we are always seeing each other on the shuttle.

It feels good to laugh and be silly for a couple of minutes with a couple of nice guys that want nothing from me.  

And to see people in the hallway and be friendly.

Not too friendly.  I'm protective of my reputation.  This is work. I stay away from the cliques and pockets of people who talk too much.

But it sure does feel good to see nice people and have them be happy to see you.

Tonight is dinner with one of my girlfriends who i only see a few times a year now.  We used to see each other daily when i lived in Wolcott and our lives were so intertwined.  I miss her.  I miss her husband and children.  I don't miss that time period of stress and chaos with the 13 year ex.

Thats his name now.  I think i will call him that to his face. ha.

I'm cooking this weekend and Sunday i'm going on a hike.  I hope the weather holds.  I'm looking foward to it.  Oh, and i think i made plans for saturday but i'm not sure.

i'm forgetting to write things down for my personal life.

I'm sure i'm about to offend someone.

like squeezing a pimple

 Thats what yesterday felt like.

And i think i got the head out.

Last night M asked me if he could call.  I said yes, even though i was wary.  We had another good talk.  At one point he said I respond to his texts, but he has noticed as soon as he says anything "emotional" or complimentary to me I stop answering.

And he's right.

So we talked about that. How i am uncomfortable with how to respond because i'm not used to it, and how i SHOULD be used to it because it's part of people dating.  At which point i reminded him we are not dating.  He keeps saying he's here for the journey, and i keep reminding him there is an unknown outcome and i don't want to disapoint him, but who knows how my thoughts will change during the next 11 weeks as part of this intensive therapy. 

I don't want to lead him on.  Or put pressure on myself.

He is really good to talk to.  Perceptive.  Articulate. Kind. And he doesn't care if i bring my walking sticks to practice when we go for a walk TOGETHER on a trail Sunday. I'm sure there will be picture taking and an enjoyment of nature and that it will not be about me burning calories.

I told him that Bill had said "I don't usually date women your size".....and he was mortified. Then i told him I had responded with "I don't usually date men your size"....because he's not a big guy, my height, and is always saying how women prefer the tall guys..........i've dated all size men.  Because i'm not a tiny little thing i have felt more comfortable with men who make me feel feminine, meaning bigger than me.  But it's not about size, it's attitude.  Many men could care less if they are short, because they still think they are a badass.....and they are.  Masculinity has nothing to do with appearance...to me.  I've dated big scary looking biker men that have turned out to be little bitches.  

M is more feminine than any man i have ever dated before, in touch with his feelings, able to express emotions, sometimes has an evil giggle right along with me.......interesting.

I'm not trying to think very much about this.

I'm still cleaning up the previous mess.  I have stopped responding to any prompts by Bill, and i don't feel bad about it.  I don't need it, or him.  I keep reminding myself what an asshole he is instead of trying to romanticize his "trauma"......hell, i've had trauma and i don't treat people like he does.

I also had a conversation with my bestie last night.  I told her i know she gets pissed when i don't answer her calls, or go for days without talking to her.  I also told her that i discussed this with my therapist (that seems to be a new theme for me) and she told me that it is "self care" and that i shouldn't feel guilty.  Bestie said she doesn't get pissed, she gets hurt.  I said, thats even worse.  We giggled.  I told her i wanted her to understand that she is my family, one of the most important people in my life......and i still don't want to talk to her every day.  She seemed to accept it, seemed relieved......we've had periods in our lives where we grew apart and she was afraid i was pulling away.  Fat chance.  We are family, and she annoys me , but i need her in my life as much as she needs me.  Why?  don't know, don't care.  We just do.

These are the relationships to focus on, the healthy ones.  And i know the difference.  I need to reach out more often to my kids, even though i feel like at this point in life they should be the ones reaching out to me.....I don't want to be the pain in the ass that is bothering them.  But i am thinking that if thats what i need to be, than so be it.  I don't see them enough.  Life is going by fast.

Ruminating

 I'm good.  I'm okay.

But during lunch i was ruminating on how i got attached to a man who not only cheated on me, but cheated on the woman he is supposedly deeply in love with - and yet he's not with her.

Because he is fucked in the head.

And so am I.

apparently.

He came after ME hardcore on the dating site.  I already knew him, having been friends with him as acquaintances for probably years, but I don't remember how.  And he reached out to me, was full of piss and vinegar, funny, happy, and wanted something serious. 

And we went out, and then we kept breaking up without ever having said we were together......I noticed things, that i've already discussed in this blog.  And come to find out, i was right.  He was still with his "ex" and only saw her once a week.

I found that out by having a conversation with her, that i've already discussed previously.  And found out that he had broken up with her quite brutally the same week he broke up with me.

Which led both of us to think he had been dating others (which i had confirmed by the website "are we dating the same guy") and had found his "perfect woman".

Which apparently did not work out.  Because a month later he was begging me to meet him in person so he could talk to me.  And i did.  And he fed me a sad story and the desire to be a better man and would i consider dating him again? and only him?

Which i don't believe i ever actually did.  We did go out and we did finally spend a night together and then that same week he was telling me how in love he was with his ex still, and how she would never come back to him after how he treated her.

But i knew better.  I knew she WOULD in fact return to him.  Because she loves him too.

Does this sound like a soap opera?  Because it felt like one.  And all i kept thinking was "love wins" and i broke up with him.  He didn't like it.  But too bad.  And i told him to go get her, that she would be receptive and ............he hasn't.

But he was back on the dating site.

After saying he was still in love with her and having all her stuff still around his house.

I told him to get his act together and stop dragging women into his drama, that it wasn't a good look.  And he agreed.

And proceeded to continuously reach out to me knowing i was hurt and trying to move on.  But god forbid i should forget him.

And now......i'm sitting at lunch thinking "why the hell would i want a man who couldn't treat the "love of his life" as if he actually loved her?  He talked so much shit about her, but he "loves" her.  If that's how he loves......i wanted him, why???  He CHEATED on her with me, LIED to me about being single and CHEATED on both of us with other women.

No wonder he's tired.

This little man has taken up so much space in my head and time in my life - I am completely discombobulated because of his games and misogyny.  WHY?

and not even any SEX.  

But i'm going to go out into the world and try to have another relationship eventually?  Because i'm so GOOD at it?

sigh.  What a dick.  And i'm not talking about him.

And while i'm at it- whatever "it" is.......my ex of 13 years keeps entering into my "lives" on tiktok and there is a part of me that loves him having to watch me flirt and interact with other men.  Eat my dust.  I hope he regrets the day he cheated on me and ended up having to leave me.  I've seen his karma first hand and he totally deserves it.  But his daughter is probably the only person he will ever love without wanting something out of it.

I can't pick men.  My husband, my 13 year, the blip on the screen that was my rebound move in that lasted literally one year, Carlos, and Bill.  Not ONE of those men loved me the way i wanted to be, and should be loved.

And i picked them.  Well all of them except Bill.  He picked me - saw the sign over my head that said "idiot" 

disconnect

I'm going to try and make this my last go around with Bill.

I texted him last night after all the "poking" on facebook and asked him why he can't just call me instead of the childish games.

I don't know if he was drinking, but i suspect he may have been.  He has a lot of come backs that aren't always very nice.  

I sat there trying to form messages to him that wouldn't set him off........and i thought......this fucker.

And the switch got thrown.

Why am i allowing this person to take up space in my head?  I looked at his facebook, saw who commented on his posts.....all women, and some quite obvious about "knowing" him.  That is such a turn off to me.  I felt that gross feeling.......and then i asked myself "why?" 

Not why is it gross, but why do i associate with someone who gives me the ick?

Who brings me nothing but insecurity, a feeling of needing to prove myself, and disapointment.

So i said "I miss you less when i remember you had the choice to choose me and you didn't"

and i think i will let that be my last message to him.

No more poking, or texting.....He really and truly does not deserve my thoughts or time.

I'm getting it.  Slowly.  but still.

I'm breaking my pattern of needing to have the man who does not want me.  Or who wouldn't know how to treat me right if he did.  

I felt a little space loosen up in my center.........like a gas bubble popping, and hey, maybe that's what it was for all i know.  I prefer to think it was my body making space for the right man when he comes along, if he comes along.

Can i just say that requesting a contract is as hard as writing one?  Why is everything so damned complicated?  What was it like 20 years ago?  I bet all this paperwork is because the generation before ours cheated and stole so much that we are now paying the price.

more fuckers.

Todays word is "FUCKER"  F.U.C.K.E.R. 

It will be on the test. 

dreams of a road

 I've been having dreams that aren't nightmares, but are stressful.  They recurring, and mostly they are about me driving and ending up on a road that is being flooded or a road i can't really see.  I don't know if i should continue on, or turn around.  That is the basic gist of the dreams although there are always more and different details.

I put this into a dream interpretation application and it spit out at me that water in dreams represents emotions, and not being able to see represents the unknown.  That my subconscious is telling me to slow down and refect before moving forward, rather than rushing onto a path that feels unsafe or unclear. (the choice being between two types of risks)  Thats the short version.

That made me think about Carl Jung's way of looking at choices.  He spoke about the tension of opposites, or being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  We have two equally unsatisfying choices and he believed that our psyche doesn't want us to pick one.  He believed that we should hold the tension and sit with the discomfort to allow a third choice to emerge.

I'm always telling myself to sit with the discomfort.  I rarely listen before bulldozing ahead and destroying any possible third choice to emerge.

Jung is telling me not to rush into either road, sit with the dream images and the third road will eventually reveal itself.

I like how my thoughts are coming together now that i'm not bouncing off walls anymore.  

I am a person of immediate action, and immediate action is exactly what i do not need.  I need to take this time and sit with my choices until a third emerges.

hmmm.

Now to identify the choices. hahahahahaah

Rain and more rain

 My weekend was productive in several ways.  

I had solid time to myself to sit and create.  And while i was sitting and doing my version of "art", i had time to let thoughts and feelings just roll through my head in a stream without attaching to any of them.

I feel lighter.  Like i rebooted, or restarted.  Cleared my cache.  Defragged. 

You really have to love the proper dose of medication when you suffer from depression and anxiety.  It makes a WORLD of difference.

I even sat in my recliner with blankets and watched the storm outside along with a few episodes of "Wednesday" on netflix.  I was cozy, comfy and satisfied.  I even concentrated without falling asleep.  

Ah.  Sleep.  Thats what i usually do when left to my own devices.  I sleep.  This weekend i did take one purposeful nap, but i did not spend the whole weekend sleeping.  avoiding.  I did things.  Of my own free will.

And i enjoyed it.

Had a really good conversation with M last night, over text.  We are both music geeks.  Not like me and Doug, because we like the harder metal and M and I enjoy ............yaht rock.  Yes, i said it.  It goes back to our childhood memories.  What can i say?

And i was able to tell him how i learned in therapy that i mistrust people who compliment me, or treat me very well, because i don't believe them, or that it will last.  I feel like kindness, or say running to the other side of  the car to open my door instead of just letting me do it......is contrived.  fake.  Compliments make me uncomfortable, although i've learned to just say "thank you" it tends to shut me up.  

I wanted him to know that i do appreciate all his gestures, i'm just trying to get used to trusting them.  

I feel like this is a big step for me.  That negative bitch in my head making fun of men who treat me very well because "i'm no fool"..........she's learning that is how we are supposed to be treated.  That is supposed to be our standard.

It's a step in the right direction.  He was receptive and of course kind.  it's a start.

And Bill?  told me he was having some medical issues that were of big concern to me, if not him.  I told him to go to the ER and then said i would come get him.  Of course, he refused either.  Nothing like getting me worried and then refusing to do anything about it.  Typical.  Why even tell me?  Because he likes the concern, the validation......it has nothing to do with feeling anything for me.

I'm getting it.  I know thats why the poking war is taking place.  Keep him in my thoughts......i know this because thats why i'm poking back.  Remember me?  The one you couldn't choose? But also won't let go of?

As I move forward in therapy i believe i will be able  to let him, and men like him, go with ease.  I won't ever get attached because they won't stand out as attractive to me.  I won't believe i deserve them.

I do deserve to be treated as valuable.  And i deserve to have my affections and gestures to be accepted by a man who wants to return the feelings.

sigh.  seems so simple, and yet.  

weekend therapy

 

Nothing like a good storm

 I love a good rain storm when i can be at home and enjoy it.  A day like this, cold and blustery- it's nice to stay in my cozy pj's and keep the lights off, so i can see the trees bending outside.  I opened the sliding glass doors for a bit, to get that blast of freshness through my home.  I could hear my windchimes clacking loudly feel that wind in my face.......glorious.

I will do that again throughout the day, unable to NOT feel the cleansing wind and allow it to rip through my home and clear out the emotions that no longer serve me.

Yesterday i tried to call my daughter on video call, and my granddaughter answered "hello grandma!  I'm at daddy's house"...that sweet little voice.  She had my daughters ipad and i guess thats where the video call goes to?  I don't know, don't care.  I tried to call again, and my granddaughter picked up again laughing at me.  Silly grandma.  You did it again.

But now i know i can call her on the ipad and that makes me feel so old, and so happy at the same time.  She is no longer a baby, or a little kid, she is a child that watches movies that scare me too, and has opinions and expresses them logically......she is growing up so fast, and i stay stuck in the same spot.

It's time for me to set the standard.  Her mother does.  I need to as well.  

Then i tried to call my son and he didn't answer, which is sometimes the case.  I know he has a busy active life with his wife, and i try not to bother them.  But i miss him.  

Last night i painted with my watercolors again, and i posted my pumpkins on line.  I am so new to this, but i've watched enough tutorials to have a very basic idea that anything goes. 

Not too shabby for my first pumpkins.

Then i did mushrooms and they were not as successful.

One out of two on my first real shot is a win.

Today i will practice more and i might do some holiday paintings......if one comes out good, i will take a picture, then get postcards printed and send them out after Thanksgiving.  I haven't sent cards out in so long...........maybe it's time to reconnect to traditions.

Going to go enjoy this day of peace. 

what is this feeling?

 I know he's with someone tonight and I don't know who and I doesn't really matter. I have that feeling in my chest.

The last time I felt it was when my ex of 13 years and I broke up. when I knew he was with someone else who he preferred over me. 

people experience this all the time. it's just part of living. You can't always be the one who gets picked. You won't always be the one who's loved. 

this horrible feeling that is hurting my entire body will go away in time. just like it did with my ex. someday in the future if I see him I will look at him and I will wonder what I ever found attractive in the first place. 

but tonight it's just going to hurt and I must remember that he is taking pleasure in someone else and I am not on his mind and that makes him unworthy of my attention

and this too shall pass.

let it go, let it gooooo

 I have no control over other people.  Just let it go.

Let it. Let them, let whatever.  (i have to re-listen to that book)

Last night Bill told me something that had me wanting to take him to the ER.  Of course, he wouldn't go.

And now this morning the "poking" on Facebook.

I don't want this.  

I don't want to watch another man not take care of himself, where I am the one filled with worry and he does absolutely nothing to prevent or take care of issues.  That could be health, finances, adult stuff that needs to be addressed.  His business is his life, but taking care of himself isn't a priority.  He has as many issues as i do.  That must be the attraction.

But this is not mine to worry about.  I can't participated in the childish poking, just because its confirmation that he's thinking about me for at least a few minutes a day.  I know better.  It's a game, for both of us.  

I can see if we were together, you work out issues.  You work on yourself and doing your part- making sure that each person has their freedom and satisfaction in life, but having that loyalty to each other, that you are each others home base.  Comfort, security, safety......peace.  You work on that to keep it- even while you pursue the things in life that as individuals make you whole.  

But we are not together.  And that's his choice.  Yes, i broke up with him because i had to.  And we are not together.  So all this concern, time, thought, energy......it is misdirected and a waste of my energy.  

He knows how i feel.  I know how he feels.  There is nothing more to reach out about.

I feel like my head is pulling back together slowly.  Like my emotions are not scattered as much as they were......i'm not floating uncontrollably anymore.  I'm seeing clearer.  I'm seeing what is best for me first.

Let him.  or not.

M....same thing.  

Any man.......same thing.

I'm taking care of myself and i'm living my life and doing the things.  If someone steps up, and we have that vibe, that connection.......i can let it happen.  But i will not pursue it again.  That is the mans job.  I will never again do what they should be doing if they have any spine, or self respect.  Real men don't let women they don't care about chase them to stroke their ego.

It's not about sex.  It's about entertainment.  And i'm not anyones entertainment when i'm in my right mind.

WHAT the hell do i do with THIS

 In therapy I'm learning that my thinking is filled with "stuck points" that may or may not be real.  

One is "no one needs me"

Another is "I'm not important to anyone"

Keeping that in mind, when a man brings me flowers before he takes me out for a nice dinner and does not have expectations from me.....i don't know what to do with that.

When he sends me a text like this:

I don't know what to do with that.

This is the horrible part.  I don't believe him.  I think it's contrived, and he's setting me up to rip the carpet out from under me.  A big joke on me that i would believe anyone could express THIS type of emotion regarding me.

Fucking bitch, yes, THAT i believe.

I want so bad to not have a negative reaction when a man says something nice, something loving, something very very (tooo) sweet........i should believe that a man can fall head over heals with me and believe that i'm the absolute BOMB......

But i can't.

I won't. 

easy saturday

 Last night was fun.  I got to see a good band with good friends.  Rocked out a little bit- and it was a good time.

I dressed in my rocker 80's attire, and i thought poor Eddie was going to have a heart attack.  He kept saying "MB!"  and grabbing me.  I really wish we could be a couple, but we are perfect as friends.  It's not very many men that i am comfortable enough to literally sleep with, all tangled up, and not have to worry it's going to turn sexual.  

Of course i wouldn't sleep with him if i was in a relationship, because i don't think anyone is THAT understanding.......i know i'm not.

So i got dropped off at home after the show and i couldn't sleep to save my life.  Was up all night, dozing on and off.  I just went with it.  Can't stress about it or then you'll never get any sleep.

Today i made up for it by dozing on and off all day in between cleaning.  I had the radio on, and i got a lot done without having to leave the house or put on clothes.  yay me.

Tomorrow i have to go grocery shopping because i literally have no food left in this house.  The fridge is bare, the pantry is ....close to bare.  So i'll give them both a good clean before i go for a  quick shop.  

Someone i was texting with gave me a "doesn't feel like your interested" text this morning.......to which i responded, i don't need a text buddy.  You haven't asked me out, so you must be not interested.  We went back and forth and ..........still no invite to go out.  This is internet dating.  The pits.

Which i'm not doing, i closed my account and deleted it.  I still converse with the remaining few men i met there.  I don't care if it goes anywhere.  It's on them, not me.  

texted briefly with M today - i wished his son well in his tournaments this weekend.  He's been doing well, not bombarding me.  He sends me a gm text and usually there's a music video attached of a good tune, NOT romantic.  So it's okay. LOL

Bill and i are still in a poke war on facebook.  It is as juvenile as it sounds BUT i know he's thinking of me multiple times a day, and vice versa.  

All these men have the balls in their court.  I respond in kind, but i'm not reaching out to do their work.  Who knows, maybe a new man will walk into my life and sweep me off my feet and they will all be left in the dust.

or not.

Doesn't matter.  I'm living my life, doing my thing and eventually i will die like everyone else.  At least i will be happy and stress free because i'm not chasing, or wondering anymore about men who do the least.  

Today was a good day.  I needed it.  And the meds are kicking in. 

i know what is right

 The man showed up with flowers.

Purple roses, because when we dated  years ago he had taken a picture (he's a photographer) of a purple rose and named it after me.

For years, i kept that picture as my screensaver.  

He is demonstrative.  HOWEVER, my brain is suspicious of this type of attention.  Thats how fucked up I am.  I am not comfortable.  

I want to be the woman who EXPECTS this behavior.

We sat for a few minutes and talked, then it was time to go.  The restaurant was done over so it was brand new to me as well.  The food was good, and we both got Old Fashioned's  for a nice adult beverage.  Conversation was good, he is a talker. At the end of the meal an old co-worker sat down at the table immediately next to us and of course we did the screech and hug thing....I barely had time to sit down and he introduced himself to her, rather aggressively, like i had forgotten him.

I didn't care for it.

We came back to my place and i did invite him in because it was still pretty early.  I didn't offer him anything (i haven't gone shopping) and i almost felt like he was keeping tabs.  That could be my imagination.  We sat and talked, he asked to sit next to me.  

And that is when i reiterated that i was not dating, not looking to get intimately involved with anyone, that i was focusing on myself.  Mind you, i've said this at least 2 times before.  He said he would wait for me to make the first move.

Well..........he will be waiting a long time.  I don't know if this is my sickness, to not be able to appreciate a man who does all the things.......It just felt contrived.  Like an act.  He wouldn't let me tough the door on his car, opened it for me to get in, and to get out.  That felt ridiculous.  And contrived.

Or maybe he really is that guy.  I don't know.

I felt his want. and it felt like pressure.  Like stress.  And i told him, i don't want him waiting around for 12 weeks that he needed to live his life and do his thing.  I don't know how much clearer i can be.

I honestly believe that men bring me stress and upset.  It doesn't matter if they are perfect or jerks.  Because it's MY problem.  I was happy before Bill.  I was relaxed, had good times with my friends, and was living my life with no issues.  Yes, i wanted a man........but i was HAPPY. 

Then Bill enters and shakes my whole world with back and forth and drama and upset and of course .....I LOVE THAT, right?  I must.  And that is messed up.  I am messed up.  

I am not attracted to M.  When he left i gave him another big hug and i realized he is so tall......and he is attractive,  But i feel nothing.  I do not want to touch him.  While we were sitting on the couch he tried to hold my hand and i pulled away.  It's just not there.  

Can it grow there?  Can it develop?  I dont know.  What i feel is absolute panic and i don't want to do it.  

So i'm not going to.  I'm going to leave this be.  I will talk to my therapist about it today if there is time and i'm not wasting this mans time letting him think i'm ever going to want to be with him.

And i could kick myself as i look at the beautiful roses that he thoughtfully chose for me.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Books

 I begged my primary provider to increase my meds, at the very least temporarily.  After i told her i'm in the therapy she suggested, she agreed to increase.

So for the past couple of nights it's been doubled.

And i just realized, i feel stable.  ish.  I haven't really subjected myself to any stress.

And i just stopped at the library at work and found TWO books that look interesting, and i can't wait to start reading them.  I haven't had this feeling in a good minute.

Am i excited about going out tonight?  Not really.  I am a little bit stressed, feel a little bit like i'm doing it so i don't hurt his feelings.......but i know it will be a nice time.  I just don't want to use this man.  He told me to let him worry about himself.

But isn't that exactly what Bill did to me?  Spend time with me, let me get attached - even though he still loves his ex?  Yes, he likes me.  He likes the attention, and my company.  But i got attached.  And now look.  

I don't want that to happen to M.  So that's probably what we are going to review at some point tonight.  He needs to know i'm not okay.  This might not be temporary.  

And then i will go home, get into bed, take my meds and read one of these books until i fall asleep.

dread

 Tomorrow is Friday and I'm dreading it.  Therapy.  yahoo.

But i'll do it.  12 weeks.  I can do this.

I wonder who i will be at the end?  The same?

I'm getting taken out tonight.  M made a reservation at the place i really enjoy, Fork and Fire, and he knows he isn't being invited in to my home after.  I have work tomorrow.

We talked last night- thats never been a problem.  We chitty chat like two girl friends.  And.......maybe thats one of my triggers with him?  I'm toooo comfortable?  But shouldn't i be?

Bill and i went back and forth a bit yesterday - we seem to have real conversations when we aren't together.  So why do i feel connected?  Like this isn't over yet.  There's more.  

Because i'm delusional.  And i like to be emotionally confused.  And i want him.  badly.

Don't you wish you could just flip a switch and be done?  Maybe someday.  But not today.

Here is todays view of me and men in general.  Let them.  I'm focusing on my therapy, and trying to keep my shit together....men are decoration right now.  They come, they go, they return again.......men will always be there.  In the meantime, my mental health is eating away at hours of my life, wasting it with upset and turmoil.  I do it to myself.  I allow myself to be drawn in to bullshit.

All i'm responsible for is myself.  I don't owe anyone fidelity or explanation.  Do not complain, do not explain.  There's my motto.  My life is my business.  

I am single.  I can date as many or as little men as i want.  Bill is in my head.....but so what?  We aren't together.  He has never claimed me even if he won't let me completely go.  I owe him nothing.

M knows the situation.  He knows i'm coming off a relationship, i'm not over.  He knows i'm not emotionally equipped to deal with navigating  a "new" relationship....i have promised him nothing.  I've tried to literally scare him.  But he wants to take me out and be nice to me.

How horrible.

So tonight, i go out with a nice man, have a nice meal and conversation - then i go home.  Tomorrow, i have therapy and work.  Tomorrow night i wait for Doug and Jen to get to my house, then we are going to Eddies to have pizza before going to see DIRT play at the Jameson Pub.  

I've learned all their songs on the new album.  I can't wait to dance, sing and just enjoy myself with my friends.

proof

 Until i get into a serious, committed relationship, i'm open to seeing other people - absolutely.

Let it be known that i am NOT looking going forward.  Whatever happens, happens.

Until a man lets his intentions be known, and i have agreed to said intentions........"Exclusive Dating" means diddly squat to me.  

That just means you are taking me off the market while you decide if i'm a keeper or not.  Waste of my time.  Not falling for that ever again.

And it's not something to stick in their face either.  It's for me to know.  I tell men i'm dating too much about my life.  Daters are casual, on a need to know basis.  Relationships get the details. 

Thats how to keep from getting invested in someone who isn't investing in me.  

The man that shows he is serious and treats me the way i deserve to be treated WITHOUT COACHING, is the one i will notice going forward.  These other low effort, game playing, emotionally unavailble men are wasting my energy. 

I shouldn't be crying over a douchebag who was never going to offer me anything other than drama and insecurity.

I need to ACT faster.  I'm happy i took charge of my situation and broke up with him as soon as i realized his ex was still in his heart......yay me.  But i should have broken up with him when that note was still on the cabinet, and that matt was still at the door.  Why?  Because i feel embarrassed now that i was spending time in a home where another woman still ruled.  Whether she was there or not.

Lesson learned.

No matter how interested i am, i need to pay attention to ACTIONS and words that are actually proven.  

Period.

Why do i keep communicating with Bill?  Because he is responsive.  Because he loves the attention and so do i.  It's sick.  I never feel better after contact with him.  I asked him why he keeps reaching out, reminding me of his existence.  To what end? For what purpose?  He said he didn't know.  And said he would stop.  I'm supposed to say, no, don't stop.  But i said "okay" and of couse now he wants to talk to me. 

I don't need any more unavailable men that only want me when i don't want them.  When they feel me withdraw, or not care....then the effort comes.  Like i'm a prize not a person.  yay, you win.

It takes two.  So i'm removing my part.  It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done.  This man offers me nothing so why am i in contact with him?  Zero reason to be.  

how do i act?

 Yesterday was a good day at work.  I got a lot done and spent some time with my mentor- he told me i'm the owner of the database now when i went to him to correct a problem.  I said "well, why am i bothering you then?" and he said "I was going to ask you that myself" and we both started laughing.

Understand, being "owner" means i can destroy this very intricate database.  The fact that he gave me full rights is big.  This is his baby.  He birthed it, grew it, and taught me how to manage it.  

I'm scared of it.  But confident in what he has taught me and my ability to solve problems if they arise. 

So work, is good.  But never a given.  I never relax into "i have a job"........that can always change.

I got the "good morning" text from M yesterday and i responded.  But honestly, i was annoyed.  I kind of hate good morning texts.  I liked it when Bill called me in the morning, which was strange.  But the whole obligatory text in the morning has always stuck in my craw.

Low effort, check off list.  I don't need it.

I know thats not how he meant it.  He thinks i want it, and he is providing it.  I will have to tell him to relax.  Texting me constantly has never been a sticking point with me.  I actually prefer the opposite.  

This morning he sent me a text with a link to one of my favorite eat spots and asked if i liked this place....and then promptly made reservations which he sent me.  Very nice.  I like that.  

My negative overthinking side says "yeah, until he gets me"......but we have already set the timeline of 12 weeks of non-commitment, i owe him nothing but my time.  It s his choice to pursue an emotionally unstable woman who is still grieving the loss of a non relationship.  AGAIN.

I've been 100% open and i will not use this man.  But who in their right mind would deny being treated well as long as we all know what the situation is.

Bill still pops up in his persistant ways and i know it's a torture me thing.  He wants me to not forget him, he wants to be on my mind.....but not in my life.  What a fucker.

I'm actually kind of relaxed at the moment.  I'm not obligated or attached to anyone.  I prefer this to the drama.

Sunday ride guy never called me again.  so it looks like i've been ghosted.  I'm confused about that because every time i tried to leave he kept talking to me.  We spent the whole day together and i thought it was pleasant.  See? you can never tell what is in a mans mind.

I'm off the dating site. deleted, not taking a break.  I have enough on my plate with the therapy.

dumping ground

 it occurred to me as i was doing my walk around the building- that i miss Bills calls.  He would call me throughout the day and talk to me about his business and life in general.  The calls were never sexual in nature- he TALKED to me, like my opinion and thoughts mattered.

And i miss that.  Not him.

I miss feeling like my opinion mattered to someone i cared for.

Or that i could play devils advocate to round out the view - maybe calm him. 

That i could be of value.........that is the feeling i miss.

This blog looks like it's going to turn into a bunch of random thoughts on steroids. 

Well that was unexpected

 how do i explain this without it becoming a book?

A man i dated briefly a couple of years ago reached out to me around this time last year.  He asked if he could take me out, as friends, because he wanted to talk to me about something.  I agreed, we met up, and he remembered exacty why i broke it off with him (in more detail than i even remembered).  He apologized for his part, said he had gone into therapy shortly after and realized he was still in love with his ex wife.

I seem to be the inbetweener for these men.  Or i'm so horrible they go running back to their exes. Ha.

Anyways, i thought that was really pretty big of him to get in contact with me again.  Not necessary, but big of him.  I like emotionally mature men.  We met up again, here and there, as friends only......to catch up and hang out.  I enjoy his company, but the thought of dating him again wasn't in my head.

The last i knew he was dating a nice woman who had been married for 25 years and not treated very nicely by her ex, and i remember thinking she was lucky M was her first foray into dating....he's respectful, kind, and like i said, emotionally mature.

All repellents for me apparently.

Lately, he's been writing very nice things on my FB page - however, he has always had nice things to say in response to my posts.  But they started feeling different.  And gave me pause.  Is he okay?  Has he taken up drinking?

But honestly, even that never really gave me a heads up to what was brewing.

Last night, i got a very long text from him.  Obviously a letter that was copy/pasted.  a LOT of thought had gone into this.  And i was floored.

Long and short of it, he wants to "court" me.  Yes, he used that term.  And after all i had read leading up to it, was very endearing.

And it sent me into a panic attack.

How dare he switch things up.

He said he wanted to take time and go slow, that he felt like around me he was 100% himself without being judged, that he was happy around me. 

Well, duh.

People don't want to be around me because i'm a drag.....even when i'm so depressed brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mt. Everest. 

He is offering to "take care of it all", i don't have to think about a thing.  

Thats interesting.

I thought about my response for awhile.  This man just put his heart and soul at my feet and i'm not going to be the one to make him regret his honesty when that's all i've ever wanted from any man.  But i also am not in a place to be making any big choices about relationships, still coming off my feelings for Bill, and residual side effects from the sextastic Carlos.  M and i slept together once, and it was....pretty awful.  It was also something neither of us was ready for.

And sex, can be taught.  But can it be........felt? If the spark isn't there? Can it be ignited?  I don't know, and at this point in my life, my focus needs to be on my mental health.  Especially during the next 12 weeks.

And i told him that.  Not that the sex was bad, but that i had to focus on my mental health and i didn't want to drag him through it not knowing who i would be at the end of it.  Or what i would want.

And he said he would be there for me and had no expectations and he didn't want to be added pressure.  He just wants to spend time with me. 

And by that he means, take me out.  Wine and dine me.  Give me the attention i've always wanted.

So why do i feel panic?

Is this part of my mental illness? my twisted thinking?  That a man would make me his focus, that my happiness would be his concern?  He's not looking for a purse or a nurse.  He makes excellent money, owns a home, and is an outstanding father. So where is the problem MB?

He's taking me out Thursday night.  And he'll have me home so i can be in bed by 9pm.  

I think he saw my post about going for a ride and realized i had starting talking to someone new so he took his shot.

I am impressed by that.

My tarot cards have been telling me that someone from my past has been watching me and having regrets about us not working out and has been waiting to re-enter my life. I thought it was Carlos, Hell, i wanted it to be Carlos....but when i reached out to him I knew it wasn't.  He is strictly dickly.  His feelings for me never went past that.

And Bill?  He still makes sure i can't forget him. Would i let a man who offers me nothing but upset and disturbance ruin a chance for peace and calmness with someone else?

I hope not.

In any case, i have 12 weeks of intensive therapy to get through and no choices of importance will be made before i'm done with that. 

light and dark

Yesterday (Sunday) my plan was to smoke, and watch movies all day or just smoke and stare at the wall.  Not leave the house.  My friends left late morning and while i felt better when they were here, that quiet got me as soon as they left.  

A gentleman i'm communicating with on facebook dating sent me a picture of him leaning on his motorcycle asking me if i want to go for a ride......

Well, yeah. I do want to go for a ride.

I agreed to meet him for lunch, which turned into several hours, and we could decide if a ride was in the cards.  

It was.  He was a great lunch date and i enjoyed his company.  Not a lot of laughing, but the conversations was one of the best.  Deep questions, from HIM, great time.  Then we moved outside and stood around talking for another half hour.  Finally i asked him if we were going for a ride?  His face lit up like a sun and he asked me "you want to?".......i said "Do YOU?" and he said "YES"......THEN i laughed.  He seemed so surprised.  Was i giving a totally different vibe?  

We went for a nice ride, stopped a few times, once for a couple of drinks at a gas station, the second at a reservoir which had trails.  We took a nice stretch our legs walk, i took some pictures and he showed me so many pictures in his phone of nature pics he has taken.

Now it's getting dark, so we head back to the restaurant to get me to my car.  And proceed to talk MORE

Neither of us could shut up.  finally, we realized how late it was and hugged for the third time saying goodbye.  

Usually i'm annoyed when a man keeps stretching the time out ........but neither of us realized how much time had passed so quickly.  

He works very odd hours, at the whim of his company based on the work.....He's some kind of commercial plumber from what i understand. (we really didn't talk shop) Big contracts at schools, etc.  Does a lot of work on new structures.  Thats what i got.  Not an entire financial portfolio.

He also seemed impressed with what i do. We have a lot of the same views and he doesn't seem like a yes man to me.  Time will tell.

Yes, he is attractive.  VERY tall, slender, nice face.  He has hair, kept short.  facial hair, nice eyes. no tats. No obsession with an ex that i can tell, and no desire to rush into a relationship, but looking for one.  

But the ride..........omg did i need that so much.  He had a sissy bar on so while we were close, i didn't have to be all up on him.  He also grew up on dirtbikes and got his first harley at 18.  So i felt comfortable with him not being a newbie.  And i did let go and relax.  Like releasing steam from a pressure cooking.  After a few minutes on the bike i started to feel "that" feeling....a lightness, a giving over of all control (only riding the back of a bike can explain that to you) and a lift in my spirits...a joy.   ooooh yes, this was long overdue.

Anyhow.  We will see what happens from here.  Maybe he calls, or doesn't.  Was still an outstanding last minute date.