Struggling

 so many thoughts in my head, rolling around, crashing into each other.....

I'm struggling.

And with struggle comes friends that won't leave me alone to stew in it.  They will go to the grocery store, the bakery, the craft store, and they will drive an hour to bring me their love and gifts, to spend the night with me.  Even though i'm shitty.  Even though i can't seem to leave my house for fear of crying in public.

I hate this.

But i love them.

And i can't take my besties phone calls.  I haven't all week.  Because she doesn't get it.  She doesn't understand how deeply rejected and hurt i can feel over a man I could barely stand, but somehow fell for.  She doesn't know about the back and forth, because she would judge.  The first time i told her i had to tell her it was my choice and while i understood her concern, i didn't want to hear it.

Jen and Doug know everything.  And they know i will work it out in my time, without yelling at me, without telling me how horrible he is.

Future reference......keep my shit to myself.   We as women look to our friends for support when we are confused, when we question if we are crazy......but some will throw it in your face later and call it concern.

She will call me, but she would never drive a half hour just to come be with me.  I would have to go to her house.  The only time she wants to come to my house is when her husband is working overtime, or HE has plans....then she has time.

But she doesn't see that.

And i'm not telling her.

I can't talk to her about her new house that they have to have absolutely perfect before they find something else to be mad about.

i'm in a shitty place in my head.

Its' okay.  This will pass.  The ugly will go away, and the sad will return and they will take turns until i'm too tired to care.

But my meds don't need to be increased.....instead i should dive head first into past trauma to figure out why I can't seem to find a man who wants me as much as i want him.

Fucking laughable.

And while i'm being ugly let me say out loud what is circling in my head......it's not going to work for  them.  They constantly break up and he treats her like shit.  He says horrible things to her to hurt her on purpose and feels justified.  They break up, then go back, then drag some unsuspecting bystander into their drama just to "find love" again.....fuck them.  Fuck both of them and their toxic bullshit.  

It's not going to work because if it was, it would have.  People who LOVE each other don't treat each other the way they do.......

I'm better to be rid of him.  Leopards don't change their spots and i would be the next victim of his "love"....i'd never be secure or feel loved.

So fuck that noise.  Good luck to them and their toxic cycle of grief/love.  

I have wasted enough time and energy on this unworthy man.  My feelings are better off directed at my own damn self.