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disconnect

I'm going to try and make this my last go around with Bill.

I texted him last night after all the "poking" on facebook and asked him why he can't just call me instead of the childish games.

I don't know if he was drinking, but i suspect he may have been.  He has a lot of come backs that aren't always very nice.  

I sat there trying to form messages to him that wouldn't set him off........and i thought......this fucker.

And the switch got thrown.

Why am i allowing this person to take up space in my head?  I looked at his facebook, saw who commented on his posts.....all women, and some quite obvious about "knowing" him.  That is such a turn off to me.  I felt that gross feeling.......and then i asked myself "why?" 

Not why is it gross, but why do i associate with someone who gives me the ick?

Who brings me nothing but insecurity, a feeling of needing to prove myself, and disapointment.

So i said "I miss you less when i remember you had the choice to choose me and you didn't"

and i think i will let that be my last message to him.

No more poking, or texting.....He really and truly does not deserve my thoughts or time.

I'm getting it.  Slowly.  but still.

I'm breaking my pattern of needing to have the man who does not want me.  Or who wouldn't know how to treat me right if he did.  

I felt a little space loosen up in my center.........like a gas bubble popping, and hey, maybe that's what it was for all i know.  I prefer to think it was my body making space for the right man when he comes along, if he comes along.

Can i just say that requesting a contract is as hard as writing one?  Why is everything so damned complicated?  What was it like 20 years ago?  I bet all this paperwork is because the generation before ours cheated and stole so much that we are now paying the price.

more fuckers.

Todays word is "FUCKER"  F.U.C.K.E.R. 

It will be on the test. 

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