Rain and more rain

 My weekend was productive in several ways.  

I had solid time to myself to sit and create.  And while i was sitting and doing my version of "art", i had time to let thoughts and feelings just roll through my head in a stream without attaching to any of them.

I feel lighter.  Like i rebooted, or restarted.  Cleared my cache.  Defragged. 

You really have to love the proper dose of medication when you suffer from depression and anxiety.  It makes a WORLD of difference.

I even sat in my recliner with blankets and watched the storm outside along with a few episodes of "Wednesday" on netflix.  I was cozy, comfy and satisfied.  I even concentrated without falling asleep.  

Ah.  Sleep.  Thats what i usually do when left to my own devices.  I sleep.  This weekend i did take one purposeful nap, but i did not spend the whole weekend sleeping.  avoiding.  I did things.  Of my own free will.

And i enjoyed it.

Had a really good conversation with M last night, over text.  We are both music geeks.  Not like me and Doug, because we like the harder metal and M and I enjoy ............yaht rock.  Yes, i said it.  It goes back to our childhood memories.  What can i say?

And i was able to tell him how i learned in therapy that i mistrust people who compliment me, or treat me very well, because i don't believe them, or that it will last.  I feel like kindness, or say running to the other side of  the car to open my door instead of just letting me do it......is contrived.  fake.  Compliments make me uncomfortable, although i've learned to just say "thank you" it tends to shut me up.  

I wanted him to know that i do appreciate all his gestures, i'm just trying to get used to trusting them.  

I feel like this is a big step for me.  That negative bitch in my head making fun of men who treat me very well because "i'm no fool"..........she's learning that is how we are supposed to be treated.  That is supposed to be our standard.

It's a step in the right direction.  He was receptive and of course kind.  it's a start.

And Bill?  told me he was having some medical issues that were of big concern to me, if not him.  I told him to go to the ER and then said i would come get him.  Of course, he refused either.  Nothing like getting me worried and then refusing to do anything about it.  Typical.  Why even tell me?  Because he likes the concern, the validation......it has nothing to do with feeling anything for me.

I'm getting it.  I know thats why the poking war is taking place.  Keep him in my thoughts......i know this because thats why i'm poking back.  Remember me?  The one you couldn't choose? But also won't let go of?

As I move forward in therapy i believe i will be able  to let him, and men like him, go with ease.  I won't ever get attached because they won't stand out as attractive to me.  I won't believe i deserve them.

I do deserve to be treated as valuable.  And i deserve to have my affections and gestures to be accepted by a man who wants to return the feelings.

sigh.  seems so simple, and yet.