rough road

 Therapy was ......productive.  I'm starting Cognitive Processing Therapy that used to be used only for vets with PTSD.  The program has been revamped for anyone with PTSD.

And lucky me, i qualify.

12 sessions in total, with exercises to complete on my own, and then walk through and process with the therapist.

Doesn't THAT sound fun?

We shall see.

First session was today, and we talked about shame and blame being thoughts, not emotions.  There was an interesting comparison to negative emotions being a firepit, and how shame and blame are like thought logs thrown on to the fire.......making it larger.  And how the negative emotions are kind of always there, like coals.......and thats why escalation of emotions is so MUCH in comparison to "normal" people.  It's why i shoot straight to a 10 instead of a 2 on that scale.  I was already smoking in a way.......

Then she explained a lot about how the different parts of the brain work.  The amygdala controls the "fight or flight" but there's a third, "freeze"....and thats disassociation.  These are to keep us alive during trauma. While these are in action, reasoning, immune systems, digestion, and even speech is turned off.

Someone with PTSD has an overactive amygdala.  (the coals)  

I'm spitting out what i remember from the session.  I found it really interesting.  The science of it.  

So this type of therapy is backed by research and has been used for 40 years.  We will be covering safety, power/control, intimacy, esteem and trust during the next 12 weeks.

I'm spiraling so it's time to get serious.  I cannot lose control over my life at this point - I need to get a grip.  Don't i deserve to be happy?

Reaching out to Carlos wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.  I'm glad he responded.  I can feel good about him, and leave him in my past.  I think.  I'm going to try like hell.  Because i'm not part of his story.  He shouldn't be part of mine.

Obviously i've been  struggling with the Bill situation, crying jags, general malaise, anger.  Yes, i broke up with him, but i did it because i knew he is still in love with his ex and that she would most definetly be making another appearance in his life and when she did........he would dump me.  He was honest about his feelings.  And i was honest about not wanting to wait to be dumped.  

We had a pretty great conversation tonight over text, where we could take our time and think about what we were saying.  

At one point he said he wants both of us, and all three of us should be together.  The funny thing is I thought of that too.  Could we?  Would that work for ME.  I've learned about all the different lifestyles that people choose now a days and i've been asked to consider poly before......it freaked me out then, but this time, i considered it before he ever said it.

I don't see me ever doing that.  I want someone special, who thinks i'm special too.  I want love between two people and no one comes between.  

The way i'm hurting right now, i know i considered it because i would be with him.  But the fact is, this man loves his ex, and she loves him (how i know this is another story) and they should be together.  Love wins.

I felt better after our conversation.  I don't know if we will still walk sometimes, because he was an excellent coach and motivator......I don't want to think about him not being in my life, but at the same time..........that might be how it has to be.  He wants me in his life too, but he wouldn't be sacrificing his future and i might be.

I cannot continue to cling to men who don't return my feelings, or want the same things as me.  You would think thats obvious, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  Mine wants me to be alone.

So therapy.  Hopefully this will help me work through some childhood trauma, adult trauma and get me back to relatively normal.......not back, but for the first time in my life.  A girl can hope.