better than before

 so......my meltdown yesterday.  Unexpected.

M is testing the waters- tried holding my hand as we were walking and i groaned (yes, out loud) and he said if i was uncomfortable it was okay we could not.  But i heard "that" in his voice so i held on, awkwardly for a few moments before i let go.  

Later he tried again, and i had the same loud groan that came out without my approval - and again, i tried.  He asked me about it and i had to think a moment.

I used to love holding hands, and demonstrations of affection (outside the bedroom) so much in fact that it was then used as a tool to punish me.

Mad at me? no holding my hand.  Want something? hold my hand.  Maybe not that simplistic, but you get the idea.  Demonstrations of affection were turned on me and used as a tool.  Not just by the ex husband, but by the 13yearex as well.  

So it became something i grew to detest.  I do not allow it.  The only snuggling i do is before sleep- otherwise it's very stiff, and uncomfortable.  Contrived.  I'm waiting for the bomb to drop, what does he want?  How long will it take for him to withdraw the affection he once gave freely?

Nope.  No thank you.

However, i'm depriving myself of something that is a human need.  Touch.  Thats generally how i know i'm into someone, because i can't stop touching them  HOWEVER, i have begun to think about it, and now i think it's my nervous system reacting.  This "need" to keep touching a man i like.  As if i'm soaking up as much as i can because my subconscious already knows he is not into me as much as i am into him. 

The touching - Carlos, and Bill.  Carlos was receptive to it, seemed to enjoy it but Bill.....had the same reaction i have when M, or another male, tries to hold my hand or touch me without reason. (reason being sex)

I AM a hugger.  I love big long hugs from men and women because i think they heal both people.  And i think it fill my own need for physical touch because since i stopped having sex....it's the only touch i get with ease.

And i explained this to M who seemed to accept and understand that it will take me some time to "get used" to having my hand held without having a knee jerk reaction.

So maybe thats movement toward the positive?  Or maybe i'm making myself do something i don't want to do for a man.  I will let my therapist assist with this line of thought.

My point is that i allowed myself to think about my reaction, try to identify why i have it, and then express my thoughts to a man who genuinely wanted to know.

But it also stressed me the fuck out.  Hand holding.  yes.  that small. 

So by the time we were rolling full speed into Burlington, where Bill lives, that was the end of my rope.

Now i understand.  I was overwhelmed.  And i gave myself grace by wanting to go home and be alone.  And i'm allowed to do that.

M is very persistent.  Depending on how you look at it that can be selfish, or that can just show that i am important to him.  He has been very direct in what he wants and the willingness to wait - even with no promises being made.  But he slips, and he does make assumptions- and that makes me panic.

I'm trying to figure out if i just put him on hold until i'm done with therapy, or if i let him take the journey with me (as he says)  There are times i just want him to go away, he's too much, and then when he looks at me with "that" longing in his eyes i feel pressure.  Yesterday he looked so sad as i sent him home holding some beef stew i had made.......the way he looked at me.  So i said "just come here and give me a kiss" and we had a little platonic kiss.  That seemed to make him feel better.

I don't want to feel like such a bitch, but i am so protective of my Self right now.  I can't just jump in and abuse the hell out of this mans good will toward me.  At the same time, this isn't about anyone but myself right now.

And yes, i still have feelings for Bill that i know are twisted and unhealthy.  I've stayed away, have not reached out, have not responded to his ways of reaching out.....

And i try not to get a lift of happiness when he does because i know THAT is contrived and only a means to stroke his own ego.  It has nothing to do with me as a person as much as its a way to validate himself....which is why he reaches out to so many women. And that is what i remind myself of.  It's not ME he wants attention from, he just wants attention period.

I deserve better.