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i know what is right

 The man showed up with flowers.

Purple roses, because when we dated  years ago he had taken a picture (he's a photographer) of a purple rose and named it after me.

For years, i kept that picture as my screensaver.  

He is demonstrative.  HOWEVER, my brain is suspicious of this type of attention.  Thats how fucked up I am.  I am not comfortable.  

I want to be the woman who EXPECTS this behavior.

We sat for a few minutes and talked, then it was time to go.  The restaurant was done over so it was brand new to me as well.  The food was good, and we both got Old Fashioned's  for a nice adult beverage.  Conversation was good, he is a talker. At the end of the meal an old co-worker sat down at the table immediately next to us and of course we did the screech and hug thing....I barely had time to sit down and he introduced himself to her, rather aggressively, like i had forgotten him.

I didn't care for it.

We came back to my place and i did invite him in because it was still pretty early.  I didn't offer him anything (i haven't gone shopping) and i almost felt like he was keeping tabs.  That could be my imagination.  We sat and talked, he asked to sit next to me.  

And that is when i reiterated that i was not dating, not looking to get intimately involved with anyone, that i was focusing on myself.  Mind you, i've said this at least 2 times before.  He said he would wait for me to make the first move.

Well..........he will be waiting a long time.  I don't know if this is my sickness, to not be able to appreciate a man who does all the things.......It just felt contrived.  Like an act.  He wouldn't let me tough the door on his car, opened it for me to get in, and to get out.  That felt ridiculous.  And contrived.

Or maybe he really is that guy.  I don't know.

I felt his want. and it felt like pressure.  Like stress.  And i told him, i don't want him waiting around for 12 weeks that he needed to live his life and do his thing.  I don't know how much clearer i can be.

I honestly believe that men bring me stress and upset.  It doesn't matter if they are perfect or jerks.  Because it's MY problem.  I was happy before Bill.  I was relaxed, had good times with my friends, and was living my life with no issues.  Yes, i wanted a man........but i was HAPPY. 

Then Bill enters and shakes my whole world with back and forth and drama and upset and of course .....I LOVE THAT, right?  I must.  And that is messed up.  I am messed up.  

I am not attracted to M.  When he left i gave him another big hug and i realized he is so tall......and he is attractive,  But i feel nothing.  I do not want to touch him.  While we were sitting on the couch he tried to hold my hand and i pulled away.  It's just not there.  

Can it grow there?  Can it develop?  I dont know.  What i feel is absolute panic and i don't want to do it.  

So i'm not going to.  I'm going to leave this be.  I will talk to my therapist about it today if there is time and i'm not wasting this mans time letting him think i'm ever going to want to be with him.

And i could kick myself as i look at the beautiful roses that he thoughtfully chose for me.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

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