Ruminating

 I'm good.  I'm okay.

But during lunch i was ruminating on how i got attached to a man who not only cheated on me, but cheated on the woman he is supposedly deeply in love with - and yet he's not with her.

Because he is fucked in the head.

And so am I.

apparently.

He came after ME hardcore on the dating site.  I already knew him, having been friends with him as acquaintances for probably years, but I don't remember how.  And he reached out to me, was full of piss and vinegar, funny, happy, and wanted something serious. 

And we went out, and then we kept breaking up without ever having said we were together......I noticed things, that i've already discussed in this blog.  And come to find out, i was right.  He was still with his "ex" and only saw her once a week.

I found that out by having a conversation with her, that i've already discussed previously.  And found out that he had broken up with her quite brutally the same week he broke up with me.

Which led both of us to think he had been dating others (which i had confirmed by the website "are we dating the same guy") and had found his "perfect woman".

Which apparently did not work out.  Because a month later he was begging me to meet him in person so he could talk to me.  And i did.  And he fed me a sad story and the desire to be a better man and would i consider dating him again? and only him?

Which i don't believe i ever actually did.  We did go out and we did finally spend a night together and then that same week he was telling me how in love he was with his ex still, and how she would never come back to him after how he treated her.

But i knew better.  I knew she WOULD in fact return to him.  Because she loves him too.

Does this sound like a soap opera?  Because it felt like one.  And all i kept thinking was "love wins" and i broke up with him.  He didn't like it.  But too bad.  And i told him to go get her, that she would be receptive and ............he hasn't.

But he was back on the dating site.

After saying he was still in love with her and having all her stuff still around his house.

I told him to get his act together and stop dragging women into his drama, that it wasn't a good look.  And he agreed.

And proceeded to continuously reach out to me knowing i was hurt and trying to move on.  But god forbid i should forget him.

And now......i'm sitting at lunch thinking "why the hell would i want a man who couldn't treat the "love of his life" as if he actually loved her?  He talked so much shit about her, but he "loves" her.  If that's how he loves......i wanted him, why???  He CHEATED on her with me, LIED to me about being single and CHEATED on both of us with other women.

No wonder he's tired.

This little man has taken up so much space in my head and time in my life - I am completely discombobulated because of his games and misogyny.  WHY?

and not even any SEX.  

But i'm going to go out into the world and try to have another relationship eventually?  Because i'm so GOOD at it?

sigh.  What a dick.  And i'm not talking about him.

And while i'm at it- whatever "it" is.......my ex of 13 years keeps entering into my "lives" on tiktok and there is a part of me that loves him having to watch me flirt and interact with other men.  Eat my dust.  I hope he regrets the day he cheated on me and ended up having to leave me.  I've seen his karma first hand and he totally deserves it.  But his daughter is probably the only person he will ever love without wanting something out of it.

I can't pick men.  My husband, my 13 year, the blip on the screen that was my rebound move in that lasted literally one year, Carlos, and Bill.  Not ONE of those men loved me the way i wanted to be, and should be loved.

And i picked them.  Well all of them except Bill.  He picked me - saw the sign over my head that said "idiot"