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The Ghost in you ` The psychedelic Furs

 That was this morning's song from Mister.  

I get a good morning, and a song, and an affirmation.  I respond with "thank you" because i don't know what to do with all of that. 

I don't want to get used to it.  

I used to be that person a long time ago.  I would write poetry, (never said good poetry) and i would draw cards, copy down lyrics, and share them with my then boyfriend.  But they never seemed to care.  And i eventually stopped because it felt......stupid.

And now, it's uncomfortable.   Having it done to me, is that what my bf's in the past felt?  Like "what do i do with this?"........i want to believe him.  I want to return the effort.  But i'm frozen. And i'm disbelieving. And i'm cynical.

And i don't think i'm worthy of this type of attention.

Yes, therapy tomorrow. I was thinking about stopping and i mentioned it to Mister.  His reaction was that i shouldn't...that i should carry on with my goals to make myself first and heal myself.  Then he apologized for being passionate in his response.  But i heard him, and i valued that he listened to what i had said in the begining of this.  I need to put me first and get myself right before i can have anyone elses needs take over.

Today i focus on work, tonight i focus on paying some bills and tracking out my finances which are more than a little tight.

I've been worrying that my job is at risk.  Not because i don't do a good job, but because i feel a lot changing around here and i get "feelings".  

So a mix of appreciation for the attention i'm receiving from a kind man, and apprehension over financial stability.

Such is life.

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