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let it go, let it gooooo

 I have no control over other people.  Just let it go.

Let it. Let them, let whatever.  (i have to re-listen to that book)

Last night Bill told me something that had me wanting to take him to the ER.  Of course, he wouldn't go.

And now this morning the "poking" on Facebook.

I don't want this.  

I don't want to watch another man not take care of himself, where I am the one filled with worry and he does absolutely nothing to prevent or take care of issues.  That could be health, finances, adult stuff that needs to be addressed.  His business is his life, but taking care of himself isn't a priority.  He has as many issues as i do.  That must be the attraction.

But this is not mine to worry about.  I can't participated in the childish poking, just because its confirmation that he's thinking about me for at least a few minutes a day.  I know better.  It's a game, for both of us.  

I can see if we were together, you work out issues.  You work on yourself and doing your part- making sure that each person has their freedom and satisfaction in life, but having that loyalty to each other, that you are each others home base.  Comfort, security, safety......peace.  You work on that to keep it- even while you pursue the things in life that as individuals make you whole.  

But we are not together.  And that's his choice.  Yes, i broke up with him because i had to.  And we are not together.  So all this concern, time, thought, energy......it is misdirected and a waste of my energy.  

He knows how i feel.  I know how he feels.  There is nothing more to reach out about.

I feel like my head is pulling back together slowly.  Like my emotions are not scattered as much as they were......i'm not floating uncontrollably anymore.  I'm seeing clearer.  I'm seeing what is best for me first.

Let him.  or not.

M....same thing.  

Any man.......same thing.

I'm taking care of myself and i'm living my life and doing the things.  If someone steps up, and we have that vibe, that connection.......i can let it happen.  But i will not pursue it again.  That is the mans job.  I will never again do what they should be doing if they have any spine, or self respect.  Real men don't let women they don't care about chase them to stroke their ego.

It's not about sex.  It's about entertainment.  And i'm not anyones entertainment when i'm in my right mind.


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