Skip to main content

still smarts

 Every time i think i'm over it, i'm not.

And we never even had a good relationship so ........

Had therapy again this morning and it's still in the early stages but i'm already seeing things that i already knew..........i know i don't think i deserve a good man who will treat me well.

Does it matter why?

And how do i stop that?

They call it stuck points.  What we tell ourselves and we believe it wether or not its true at all.  

Okay.

So i'm going to have my thoughts rewired?  Will i be the same sardonic person that my friends love as I am right now?

Is all this even worth it?

It took me 8 years to get over a 13 year relationship...........maybe it will take me a couple of months to get over Bill and not have hurt feelings in my chest when i think about him.

I keep asking myself if its even really about HIM, or is it about not being chosen?  Different days i have different answers.Right now i'm just grateful that he has receded into darkness and i haven't heard from him at all in over a week.

more weeks, more time........and i should be fine.  Of course i will be.  It's the not knowing that bothers me.  Did they get back together at least?  Can someone be happy?  At least?

Mister must be a saint, or he's not as perfect as he seems.  My therapist told me i am doing the right thing not making any promises.  This might get harder before it gets easier for me.

So i'm doing the work, putting in the time, and having faith that if veterans have had this work for them then it damn sure should be able to work for my lame ass.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »