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 I begged my primary provider to increase my meds, at the very least temporarily.  After i told her i'm in the therapy she suggested, she agreed to increase.

So for the past couple of nights it's been doubled.

And i just realized, i feel stable.  ish.  I haven't really subjected myself to any stress.

And i just stopped at the library at work and found TWO books that look interesting, and i can't wait to start reading them.  I haven't had this feeling in a good minute.

Am i excited about going out tonight?  Not really.  I am a little bit stressed, feel a little bit like i'm doing it so i don't hurt his feelings.......but i know it will be a nice time.  I just don't want to use this man.  He told me to let him worry about himself.

But isn't that exactly what Bill did to me?  Spend time with me, let me get attached - even though he still loves his ex?  Yes, he likes me.  He likes the attention, and my company.  But i got attached.  And now look.  

I don't want that to happen to M.  So that's probably what we are going to review at some point tonight.  He needs to know i'm not okay.  This might not be temporary.  

And then i will go home, get into bed, take my meds and read one of these books until i fall asleep.

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