Thats what yesterday felt like.
And i think i got the head out.
Last night M asked me if he could call. I said yes, even though i was wary. We had another good talk. At one point he said I respond to his texts, but he has noticed as soon as he says anything "emotional" or complimentary to me I stop answering.
And he's right.
So we talked about that. How i am uncomfortable with how to respond because i'm not used to it, and how i SHOULD be used to it because it's part of people dating. At which point i reminded him we are not dating. He keeps saying he's here for the journey, and i keep reminding him there is an unknown outcome and i don't want to disapoint him, but who knows how my thoughts will change during the next 11 weeks as part of this intensive therapy.
I don't want to lead him on. Or put pressure on myself.
He is really good to talk to. Perceptive. Articulate. Kind. And he doesn't care if i bring my walking sticks to practice when we go for a walk TOGETHER on a trail Sunday. I'm sure there will be picture taking and an enjoyment of nature and that it will not be about me burning calories.
I told him that Bill had said "I don't usually date women your size".....and he was mortified. Then i told him I had responded with "I don't usually date men your size"....because he's not a big guy, my height, and is always saying how women prefer the tall guys..........i've dated all size men. Because i'm not a tiny little thing i have felt more comfortable with men who make me feel feminine, meaning bigger than me. But it's not about size, it's attitude. Many men could care less if they are short, because they still think they are a badass.....and they are. Masculinity has nothing to do with appearance...to me. I've dated big scary looking biker men that have turned out to be little bitches.
M is more feminine than any man i have ever dated before, in touch with his feelings, able to express emotions, sometimes has an evil giggle right along with me.......interesting.
I'm not trying to think very much about this.
I'm still cleaning up the previous mess. I have stopped responding to any prompts by Bill, and i don't feel bad about it. I don't need it, or him. I keep reminding myself what an asshole he is instead of trying to romanticize his "trauma"......hell, i've had trauma and i don't treat people like he does.
I also had a conversation with my bestie last night. I told her i know she gets pissed when i don't answer her calls, or go for days without talking to her. I also told her that i discussed this with my therapist (that seems to be a new theme for me) and she told me that it is "self care" and that i shouldn't feel guilty. Bestie said she doesn't get pissed, she gets hurt. I said, thats even worse. We giggled. I told her i wanted her to understand that she is my family, one of the most important people in my life......and i still don't want to talk to her every day. She seemed to accept it, seemed relieved......we've had periods in our lives where we grew apart and she was afraid i was pulling away. Fat chance. We are family, and she annoys me , but i need her in my life as much as she needs me. Why? don't know, don't care. We just do.
These are the relationships to focus on, the healthy ones. And i know the difference. I need to reach out more often to my kids, even though i feel like at this point in life they should be the ones reaching out to me.....I don't want to be the pain in the ass that is bothering them. But i am thinking that if thats what i need to be, than so be it. I don't see them enough. Life is going by fast.
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