Well that was unexpected

 how do i explain this without it becoming a book?

A man i dated briefly a couple of years ago reached out to me around this time last year.  He asked if he could take me out, as friends, because he wanted to talk to me about something.  I agreed, we met up, and he remembered exacty why i broke it off with him (in more detail than i even remembered).  He apologized for his part, said he had gone into therapy shortly after and realized he was still in love with his ex wife.

I seem to be the inbetweener for these men.  Or i'm so horrible they go running back to their exes. Ha.

Anyways, i thought that was really pretty big of him to get in contact with me again.  Not necessary, but big of him.  I like emotionally mature men.  We met up again, here and there, as friends only......to catch up and hang out.  I enjoy his company, but the thought of dating him again wasn't in my head.

The last i knew he was dating a nice woman who had been married for 25 years and not treated very nicely by her ex, and i remember thinking she was lucky M was her first foray into dating....he's respectful, kind, and like i said, emotionally mature.

All repellents for me apparently.

Lately, he's been writing very nice things on my FB page - however, he has always had nice things to say in response to my posts.  But they started feeling different.  And gave me pause.  Is he okay?  Has he taken up drinking?

But honestly, even that never really gave me a heads up to what was brewing.

Last night, i got a very long text from him.  Obviously a letter that was copy/pasted.  a LOT of thought had gone into this.  And i was floored.

Long and short of it, he wants to "court" me.  Yes, he used that term.  And after all i had read leading up to it, was very endearing.

And it sent me into a panic attack.

How dare he switch things up.

He said he wanted to take time and go slow, that he felt like around me he was 100% himself without being judged, that he was happy around me. 

Well, duh.

People don't want to be around me because i'm a drag.....even when i'm so depressed brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mt. Everest. 

He is offering to "take care of it all", i don't have to think about a thing.  

Thats interesting.

I thought about my response for awhile.  This man just put his heart and soul at my feet and i'm not going to be the one to make him regret his honesty when that's all i've ever wanted from any man.  But i also am not in a place to be making any big choices about relationships, still coming off my feelings for Bill, and residual side effects from the sextastic Carlos.  M and i slept together once, and it was....pretty awful.  It was also something neither of us was ready for.

And sex, can be taught.  But can it be........felt? If the spark isn't there? Can it be ignited?  I don't know, and at this point in my life, my focus needs to be on my mental health.  Especially during the next 12 weeks.

And i told him that.  Not that the sex was bad, but that i had to focus on my mental health and i didn't want to drag him through it not knowing who i would be at the end of it.  Or what i would want.

And he said he would be there for me and had no expectations and he didn't want to be added pressure.  He just wants to spend time with me. 

And by that he means, take me out.  Wine and dine me.  Give me the attention i've always wanted.

So why do i feel panic?

Is this part of my mental illness? my twisted thinking?  That a man would make me his focus, that my happiness would be his concern?  He's not looking for a purse or a nurse.  He makes excellent money, owns a home, and is an outstanding father. So where is the problem MB?

He's taking me out Thursday night.  And he'll have me home so i can be in bed by 9pm.  

I think he saw my post about going for a ride and realized i had starting talking to someone new so he took his shot.

I am impressed by that.

My tarot cards have been telling me that someone from my past has been watching me and having regrets about us not working out and has been waiting to re-enter my life. I thought it was Carlos, Hell, i wanted it to be Carlos....but when i reached out to him I knew it wasn't.  He is strictly dickly.  His feelings for me never went past that.

And Bill?  He still makes sure i can't forget him. Would i let a man who offers me nothing but upset and disturbance ruin a chance for peace and calmness with someone else?

I hope not.

In any case, i have 12 weeks of intensive therapy to get through and no choices of importance will be made before i'm done with that.