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triggered

M picked me up at 11am and we went to the place in Collinsville that we like and always seem to end up at for lunch.  Then for a nice long leisurely walk where i got to take a lot of scenic pictures and he didn't rush me or yell at me that i wasn't burning any calories and needed to walk faster.
We sat down on a bench at a waterfall area and enjoyed the sun and talking.  Back to the car, i thought we were headed to a reptile store but we went in the wrong direction.

I was still relaxed until i realized we were going straight into Burlington, where i have just spent the past months going to see Bill, going up and down the same road with various emotions - rage, sadness, anticipation.......confusion.  It sent me into a tailspin and i couldn't help it, i started to have a mini panic attack.  I asked "where are we going" and he kept saying "don't worry i want to show you something" and I clammed up and started to shake, trying not to cry.......full blown panic attack now.

And this is why i shouldn't be going out with any men.

He thought it was because i was anxious over not knowing where we were going and he was apologetic......but........at the same time, his wants were more important than reading the room, so to speak.  He took me to the fish hatchory, which is in Burlington, and we got out and walked around looking at all the different fish and i took more pictures.

But my mood was broken.  And my headache started screaming.

It was time to go home and be alone.  He tried talking to me while we were on the way home, and i couldn't even pretend to be paying attention.  I felt nauseous.  And upset.

Basically, a basketcase.  I just wanted to be alone.

And i told him i was going to take a nap and i'd feel better......he said, "i will keep you awake" and i snapped back at him "you are going home"........I think he finally got it then.

It was such a nice time until it wasn't.  

This is going to take time and work.

Me first, my feelings matter, my therapy is the focus.  I cannot worry about anyone else right now.  He knows, i told him, and i wasn't kidding.  I don't have the energy to take care of anyone elses feelings at this point.

And now the nap and probably a 15 minute (my limit) cry to get it out.

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