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dread

 Tomorrow is Friday and I'm dreading it.  Therapy.  yahoo.

But i'll do it.  12 weeks.  I can do this.

I wonder who i will be at the end?  The same?

I'm getting taken out tonight.  M made a reservation at the place i really enjoy, Fork and Fire, and he knows he isn't being invited in to my home after.  I have work tomorrow.

We talked last night- thats never been a problem.  We chitty chat like two girl friends.  And.......maybe thats one of my triggers with him?  I'm toooo comfortable?  But shouldn't i be?

Bill and i went back and forth a bit yesterday - we seem to have real conversations when we aren't together.  So why do i feel connected?  Like this isn't over yet.  There's more.  

Because i'm delusional.  And i like to be emotionally confused.  And i want him.  badly.

Don't you wish you could just flip a switch and be done?  Maybe someday.  But not today.

Here is todays view of me and men in general.  Let them.  I'm focusing on my therapy, and trying to keep my shit together....men are decoration right now.  They come, they go, they return again.......men will always be there.  In the meantime, my mental health is eating away at hours of my life, wasting it with upset and turmoil.  I do it to myself.  I allow myself to be drawn in to bullshit.

All i'm responsible for is myself.  I don't owe anyone fidelity or explanation.  Do not complain, do not explain.  There's my motto.  My life is my business.  

I am single.  I can date as many or as little men as i want.  Bill is in my head.....but so what?  We aren't together.  He has never claimed me even if he won't let me completely go.  I owe him nothing.

M knows the situation.  He knows i'm coming off a relationship, i'm not over.  He knows i'm not emotionally equipped to deal with navigating  a "new" relationship....i have promised him nothing.  I've tried to literally scare him.  But he wants to take me out and be nice to me.

How horrible.

So tonight, i go out with a nice man, have a nice meal and conversation - then i go home.  Tomorrow, i have therapy and work.  Tomorrow night i wait for Doug and Jen to get to my house, then we are going to Eddies to have pizza before going to see DIRT play at the Jameson Pub.  

I've learned all their songs on the new album.  I can't wait to dance, sing and just enjoy myself with my friends.



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