Skip to main content

dread

 Tomorrow is Friday and I'm dreading it.  Therapy.  yahoo.

But i'll do it.  12 weeks.  I can do this.

I wonder who i will be at the end?  The same?

I'm getting taken out tonight.  M made a reservation at the place i really enjoy, Fork and Fire, and he knows he isn't being invited in to my home after.  I have work tomorrow.

We talked last night- thats never been a problem.  We chitty chat like two girl friends.  And.......maybe thats one of my triggers with him?  I'm toooo comfortable?  But shouldn't i be?

Bill and i went back and forth a bit yesterday - we seem to have real conversations when we aren't together.  So why do i feel connected?  Like this isn't over yet.  There's more.  

Because i'm delusional.  And i like to be emotionally confused.  And i want him.  badly.

Don't you wish you could just flip a switch and be done?  Maybe someday.  But not today.

Here is todays view of me and men in general.  Let them.  I'm focusing on my therapy, and trying to keep my shit together....men are decoration right now.  They come, they go, they return again.......men will always be there.  In the meantime, my mental health is eating away at hours of my life, wasting it with upset and turmoil.  I do it to myself.  I allow myself to be drawn in to bullshit.

All i'm responsible for is myself.  I don't owe anyone fidelity or explanation.  Do not complain, do not explain.  There's my motto.  My life is my business.  

I am single.  I can date as many or as little men as i want.  Bill is in my head.....but so what?  We aren't together.  He has never claimed me even if he won't let me completely go.  I owe him nothing.

M knows the situation.  He knows i'm coming off a relationship, i'm not over.  He knows i'm not emotionally equipped to deal with navigating  a "new" relationship....i have promised him nothing.  I've tried to literally scare him.  But he wants to take me out and be nice to me.

How horrible.

So tonight, i go out with a nice man, have a nice meal and conversation - then i go home.  Tomorrow, i have therapy and work.  Tomorrow night i wait for Doug and Jen to get to my house, then we are going to Eddies to have pizza before going to see DIRT play at the Jameson Pub.  

I've learned all their songs on the new album.  I can't wait to dance, sing and just enjoy myself with my friends.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »