Time and again

It's time.

Now that i'm living in Manchester, making a life here - I need to work closer to home.  This commute is wasting a minimum of 2 hours a day from my time to do other things.  More fun things than dodging in and out of traffic....yes, i'm that person now.  I will say that ever since i've had to commute i've become aggressive on the road.  The ride is too long to be polite. I DON'T terrify passengers however.........because he is 5lbs and can barely see out the window.  

It's time.

I've taken harassment and general disregard from ONE person at work for 6 years.  I'm tired. I've done my time with difficult people and honestly, they can't pay me enough to work for her anymore and they never did. It's no longer a challenge to try and keep her happy.  It can't be done.  She wins.  She is the ONE person i've worked for who finds nothing but fault. I can thank her though, because even with the commute i was finding it hard to leave these people behind.  I love my job, I'm lucky enough to work with wonderful people in a learning environment on a gorgeous campus.  And her.  She is the kick in the ass I need to move along.  

It's time.

This position is the last piece of the past.....I want to be somewhere he has never been, with no humiliating memories.  I don't want to "see" him in that parking lot, refusing to look at me or talk to me while Josh took care of me and my vehicle.  I'll never forget how that felt, or that he could do it to me.  I don't want to ever drive by the ice cream shop where i sat with him the last time, while he cried to me about his baby mama.  Me, the woman who's life he had just picked up and smashed.  I'll never forget that either, because that was when i finally realized that this man had never loved me.  He wasn't capable. So yes, I want to leave those ghosts behind.  I don't want to see places and things every day that make me remember my willingness to accept less than i deserve.

It's time.

It's time to fully trust the space i'm in now, celebrate the choices i've made that have brought me here - confident, not afraid, able to make choices of my own and leave others to do the same.  Not everyone is going to like me all the time- and i don't have to have any feelings about it. I can just do what i want, and when i want, with who i want....and it's okay.  My family, my friends, my man- they love me just like i am. 

It's time I do too.

 

I will take seconds

I love this.  So simple a thought and so absolutely accurate.  So many times my table has been empty, or filled with rotted fruit, drawing flies......

But not anymore. 

I love saying that.  Feeling that.

Although, it DOES make me uncomfortable at times because this is an entirely new feeling for me.  It's taking me some time to readjust, let my guard down, enjoy the feeling.......trust the feeling.  I'm always waiting for the "real" situation to reveal itself.  So much so that during a conversation with a close friend we decided that I should make an appointment with my therapist to discuss the "NO DRAMA" in my life. 

My brain tells me  that this is how it was always supposed to be.  Honestly i'm still afraid to believe it fully.  I'm waiting for that moment that may very well never arrive.  You know, the one where he reveals himself to be a total asshole that just wants to use me, or control me. Or belittle me to make himself feel smarter, or hate me because I was right.  Dumb, blind......and right. 

Last night I walked around the house with the remains of a migraine still hanging in the back of my eyes and looked at how well we have blended.  It's almost as if i've always lived here - I've grown to love this home almost as much as this man.  I feel as if i've always known both.

It's me that i'm getting to know, still. 

The world is imperfect, duh

I had an experience this morning that I feel the need to share.  I won't be filing a complaint, or telling anyone off - because that wouldn't change what happened, nor would it keep it from happening again.

My work has a program where workshops on health are offered throughout the year.   If an employee attends two workshops and has a note from their doctor that they have received a well visit, that employee will receive a financial incentive.

You know i want that incentive.  Right?  I mean, it would be "crazy" not to.  So I signed up for the first workshop offered this year, on healthy but satisfying breakfasts that are easy to prepare for people who have a hard time finding the time.  Sounds good.

When i signed up, i did not remind HR that I have a service dog.  And if you didn't already know, I do.  He is 5 pounds and is with me 24/7.  He does not shed, drool, or bark without reason.  Most people don't even know he is with me unless i have him on a leash and walking.  I jumped through all the correct hoops at work in order to have him with me and he has all his required paperwork.  I'm not breaking any rules by having him with me.  He has a purpose, he is not "just a pet".

However, when i arrived EARLY this morning in order to participate in the workshop one of the women said "oh keep that away from me, i'm allergic".....from across the room, mind you.  I always sit apart for the very reason i am about to describe. This woman, a "professional" woman, gave me the filthiest look ever when she said this to me. Even so, I said,  "I will.  He does not shed and he will not go near you" very calmly.  I am well aware that not all people like animals, that some are afraid and that some really are allergic - I don't expect everyone to be overjoyed.  I do expect common courtesy from a co-worker.  When she left the room after saying "Everyone SAYS that"  i knew there was going to be an issue.  Within moments the HR rep came to me and asked if i had permission to have him with me on campus.

I'd like to point out that I had already had a full discussion with this person in the hallway when i arrived and that she had seen and not been fazed by my dog.  She did not ask me if i had permission to have him there until someone complained. I explained to her that yes, i did and that as a matter of fact she was the one who had informed me of the approval and expectations of having him on campus.

She proceeded to tell me that i had to be "mindful" that some people were allergic, and that we would be preparing food. (Side note: the actual preparing of food had not been described in the sign up sheet, or I would have totally avoided this even though I shouldn't have had to.) She did not go so far as to tell me I needed to leave.  The legalities of that, i'm sure, were glaring in her mind. When her reminder to me fell flat at her feet, she left the room.

Call me "crazy" but I hadn't planned to rub my dog all over the place and shake him over the food after i let him slobber into every dish.  As a matter of fact, they could probably have found more pet hair flying around from people who left their animals at home.  BUT  I have to be mindful.....I have to be mindful.  I hadn't ever thought of that.  I don't care for being talked to like i'm clueless.  I'm not.

What I AM, is a person who has depression and anxiety.  At one point it was severe enough that i could not make it a full day at work, or go a few hours without having a panic attack.  Crying was my way of life, panic was my best friend.    I am lucky enough to have people at work who care about me, and friends at home that love me and support me.  The many doctor appointments I had, the multiple medications I was given with all kinds of side affects.....it wasn't until I got my dog that I began to find any kind of peace in my mind.

If you are interested, you can read about it.  Suffice it to say, service animals are a real thing and have a real purpose.  Just because someone doesn't understand, or agree, doesn't give them the right to treat people who need one like some kind of special.   Not agreeing or not understanding does not give anyone the right to be rude, as this woman, who was so concerned, was to me. This is a professional woman attending a workshop with co-workers.  Not her living room.  If nothing more, i deserved professional courtesy.

I decided that staying in that room, with that person - as the object of attention which is exactly the opposite of what i want, was no longer an option for me.  I was not wanted in that room and it could not have been made any clearer.  So i left.  I saw the HR person outside and she THANKED ME for being "AGREEABLE".

You know what?  Fuck you.

No, i didn't.

But i did in my head.

No one needed to make special accommodation for me to be there.  My dog was not misbehaving. We were not disrupting anyone.  THAT woman was.  And if she had such an issue SHE should have been the one to leave.

It's like the parents that insist on taking their peanut allergy children to the baseball game and want everyone around them not to eat peanuts.

Your allergy can't be seen any more than my anxiety......so maybe you are faking it.  Maybe you just "want attention".....or maybe you need to just be careful of where you go because you may have a reaction unless you take care of yourself.  Be  grateful you can carry benedryl or an Epinephrine injection.  Seems like i know more about allergies than a lot of people know about anxiety.

But instead of informing yourself, you get to pass judgement on someone who cannot hide their therapy.  Bully for you.  Lets make america great again.

Perhaps, she should wear a t-shirt that lists all her allergies.  Hell, lets identify everyone's health issues in a very public way so that everyone can weigh in on if it is valid, or not.

People thinks it's funny, ridiculous......and i'm glad they have that choice.  I don't. There is a chemical reaction in my brain that when it gets triggered i lose focus, become disoriented......cry.  shake.  His job is to bring me back to the present.  He feels my panic, he barks, rubs on me, licks my face- snaps me out of it.  He calms me if I get to that point and since i have had him with me i have had very few and attacks. EVEN through a breakup.

Regardless of how she, or anyone feels about service animals and their usefulness- I have a right to have one and I know that sometimes i will get hassled, and sometimes i will be treated poorly but THAT is not my problem.  That is someones personality problem, lack of sensitivity or just plain ignorance.

So, before you pass judgement with your medical degree - take the time to understand.  Read a book, hell read 2 or 3, talk to the person with the service animal.  My DOG doesn't bite.....but in the future...i'm the one you might want to be concerned about.

Happy New Year and all that

The holidays came, and went, faster than ever before.

I think this is where I start lamenting on my age........I turned 50.  I feel like 30.  Anyways, my brain does.  My body likes to remind me that parts will need to be ordered soon.  As much as certain parts of me hurt, I'm not mad about it.  I'm probably the best i've been in a long time. 

Now, If i can get Michael to stop bringing me goodies, i bet i could look better than i have in a long time too. Even that, i'm not mad about.

The holiday was indeed joyful.  Good news was had and good gifts were shared.  I was able to decorate a Christmas tree exactly how i wanted to and now.....I feel like it was over rated.  I missed the kids ornaments.  The tree was gorgeous if i do say so myself, but it lacked the spirit of Christmas's past.  I do believe that was exactly what i wanted when i decided to do this "planned" tree.  All i can say is be careful what you wish for.  Looking better doesn't mean it IS better.

I was able to spend time with Michael's family and my own this year because my children agreed to "fake Christmas".  We spent the real holiday with his family and then a week later we did it all over again with mine.  I must say, it extended the season and the excitement for me - the general good feeling of the holiday x 2.   There were tears, of course, because that's what i do.  I'm a big fat cry baby when i don't get my way, or when i'm afraid i won't get to see my kids as planned.  It rocks my little world.  But i also got a good lesson in not doing that EVER again to my children as it is manipulative and unwelcome - I just had to see someone else do it to learn.  My children, aren't, children.  They have their own lives just like they are supposed to.  I need to be grateful, not sad. 

It just feels like i've lost a lot over the past few years.  But in the same respect, i've gained as well.  And i don't mean pounds you asshole, whoever you are, that thought that. 

So what else?  I have no burning anything I need to flush out of my mind by writing.  Yet.  I'm sure it won't last long because i have so many feelings about so many things.....Consider this a respite.  It's a new year and who knows what can happen?  I've always been surprised in the past so this year probably won't be much different. 

Oh, one nice thing about the holiday is getting messages from people you don't get to see or talk to very often.  I don't believe in resolutions, as much as "life changes" but I DO resolve to keep better contact with people in one way or another.  Letter writing, phone calls, emails, or even cards.  Cards shouldn't be reserved for special occasions!   Email me at maribeth.lineberry@gmail.com if you want to exchange cards and I will send you my address.  For reals. 

I wish you all love, (of yourself and others) good health, good fashion sense, laughter and quiet contemplation in the New Year.