Just a setback not a disaster

..........I cut him out completely and he still manages to get in here and fuck with my head.  This feels like the day after we broke up.  And i'm so tired of it.  I just don't want to hold these feelings in me ANY MORE.  He is a cheating, lying piece of shit.  He never was anything i ever gave him credit for.  He has more than proven that to me.  So. WHY can't this just be over in my heart like it is in my head?

Fucker.

He's beginning to tell people about his impending fatherhood.  How do i know this?  Because now people are contacting me with "omg i'm so sorry" messages.  Apparently i'm not the only one that knows how to do math.

I have always kept his confidences.  Always had his back EVEN while he was stabbing me in mine.  He never deserved it.  That's love though, isn't it?  You don't earn it.  You can't keep it if it's not real.  

He did me a favor.  Thats the bottom line.  I am terrified of my stupidity and purposeful blindness when i remember how i offered to have his baby right before i turned 40.  I said, "it's now or never, or you'll have to find another mama"..........I guess he chose the latter.   Did i want another child?  Enough to want to give him one of his own- even though i knew the struggle would be real.  I knew it would be all on me.  And yet.

He's a lot of things.  Dumb isn't one.  Anyone who thinks he is will be making a horrible mistake.  He is conniving and manipulative - and he knows what to say and when - IF it benefits him.  And HE is all that matters in his world.

So i'm thrown back 6-months. ANY contact with him, even via someone else STILL does this to me.  Fuck it.  I'll be back on my feet again in no time.  My heart will catch up with my head and I will be fine again.   Someday he simply won't register on my give a shit meter.  Trust.

The Invitation by Oriah

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for LOVE
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your Moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with Wildness!
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own Soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming
from the book The Invitation

Surreal Collage #1

The homework assignment (yes, 49 and I still have homework) was to create a surreal collage using our own image somewhere in the collage.

Surreal eh?  Well, okay - i will throw a few interesting images together and slap my face somewhere and call it done.  (I'm also working on my final project which is an altered book consuming all my creative energy)  I lost a few hours doing this, actually listening to surreal music, something i never really knew existed and yet was a perfect background to my daze of searching, cutting, planning and pasting.

This morning when i really looked at it I thought - "this looks like a mad version of cinderella, my version"  The more i looked the more i identified with the whole damn thing which really did take place subconsciously as I was only trying to meet a deadline.

The emaciated (starving for male validation) body holding a blank mask (whatever he needs me to be) but a crown on my head makes it look like a good thing - the man, i'm gonna assume some kind of professional due to the paperclips (??) is on the other side of my room in the asylum,  complete with yellow brick road - encased in mist and clouds (as if heavenly) and yes, a dog like most men i've chosen to fall in love with.  I have a thing for red shoes, and this is what is offered, a single red shoe. Not complete, and not exactly what i prefer - which is comfort.

Yikes.

Surreal isn't supposed to have any meaning- except to whoever is looking at it - whatever they can pull from it and make their own.  For me, it's dreaming while awake and not thinking about what images i'm pulling, only that they fit.  That they are right.

This is probably my favorite assignment in this course so far.

Son of a Biatch

Anxiety surrounding my soon to be home hunting has hit an all time high.  What in the world makes me think I can purchase my own home?  I checked out my credit report........again......and while it has improved again it also gave me the ability to see any derogatory credit i have.

Guess what?!  

Son of a bitch.  Two black marks slashed across my credit.  I paid them both 10 minutes later.  However, that stays on your report and it also takes up to 90 days to be shown as reconciled so i'm told.  Is it time for a meltdown or should i just wait till i'm denied?

I have dreams that i'm going to end up living in a mobile home in a trailer park.......Listen, i have nothing against that, it's just not my goal.  Even a condo is kind of stretching my "awful damn close to neighbors" fear.  But, i guess when you are single living alone its not a bad thing to have neighbors close.

I hate change. (except when it comes to my hair, haha)  I suck at it.  When i make a big change in my personal life its usually after a LOT of thought and stewing in the pro's and con's.  This experience should be exciting and I should be looking forward to it.  Should being key here.

So it's time for an attitude adjustment.  Get it in gear MB.  Get happy about something you have little control over.  Again.  Fuck me.  

In other news..........There appears to be some match making going on.  I've been renting a room in a large home from my biffle and her husband and they are having some work done to the house.  The guy doing the work is divorced.  He's there on the weekends, and SO AM I....which makes us soulmates, right?  I'm embarrassed because this man sees me in my robe finding my way to the coffee first thing in the morning.  In other words, he sees me at my absolute worst in appearance and attitude.  I'm not holding my breath on the getting asked out by him thing.  I do like him once i've showered and gotten fairly human and can see straight.  He smiles easy, laughs a lot and jokes.  Last weekend he told us about his online dating experiences and i did feel like he was a kindred spirit for a few minutes.  

If he asks me I will go out with him and see what he's about.   However, i have forbidden anyone from instigating the situation.  No more fucking Cupids.  I want a man who knows what he wants, and if that's me - come and get me.  Otherwise, i've got a great hookup for when i need work done on the condo I will probably never get!

Practice, practice

I call the real estate agent tomorrow.  It's in my calendar.  I had to schedule it because that makes it real, and i can check it off my "to do" list.  The ball will begin rolling........

I have backed off another situation until I know where the doors are, and if they are opening or closing. Complicated isn't a word I want associated with a romantic interest and I have a really broken picker as i've proven twice before.  I'm patient this time but not putting anything else on hold.  Whatever happens, happens. Enjoy life, right?  Right.

And i've been reading before bed for a good half hour or so- which is more than i've done in a long time.  My concentration is returning, my enjoyment returning - the restlessness somewhat subdued.  It must be the sun and the open windows.  Or maybe i'm just in a good place, even when i'm not.

Good Nerves?

Self imposed deadlines are sometimes the absolute worst to actually meet.  By the end of this month I HAVE to pre-qualify for a mortgage - which will officially place me in debt for the rest of my days.

I am scared shitless.

But also excited.  Very.  Excited.

I have never lived alone.  I have never had to not consider someone else in where i chose to live. I can look for what I want, just me.  No compromise.  (aside from between the bank and I) 

There is a part of me that wants to just pack up the little i have, throw it into a UHaul and hit the road.  The only problem is I don't have a burning desire to GO live anywhere else.  Apathetic?  Or maybe it's the knowledge that it's pretty much the same everywhere.  People are people are people.  I can and do adapt to any situation so it makes no difference to me.  That, and I actually like where i work.  

Higganum is beautiful, there is no denying it.  Trees everywhere, narrow bumpy roads, pitch black darkness so you can see every star in the sky and silence from anything but actual living things at night. And there are a lot of living things in those trees.  Deer come right up  to the house at all times of day. Not one or two- herds.  I'll never grow tired of watching them.  BUT

it is so damn far away from everything, yet not far enough- if far is what i'm looking for.  Which i'm not.

The Rubin Museum in New York City is a slice of Zen right in the middle of chaos.  That is what i want.  Every possibility of everything outside my door, and tranquility inside my home with the ability to block out the world.  This, is what i'm looking for- what i will create.  

I know I want a window over the kitchen sink, and that the bathrooms must also have windows.  Sunlight and fresh air make me happy. Every room must have the ability to let it in.  Curtains can be closed, windows cannot simply appear.   A garage would be lovely, but it's only on my "if possible" list.  For the right place i would give up not having to clean snow off my car, or the privacy of not having everyone know if i'm home or not.  Two bedrooms a must, and an open floor plan - or the ability to create one without too much fuss.  I must be able to move in and live there while i do whatever needs doing, updating, fixing - whatever.  It need not be pretty- it needs the potential to be made truly mine.  My haven.

At least for now.  I have such mixed feelings about living alone.........i'm sad sometimes, knowing that no-one will be there when I come home.  That cooking, cleaning, reading, watching tv, working on projects- will be a solo activity.  At the same time, that sounds divine.........so full of peace and no fighting.  No slamming doors to make me jump and wonder about.  No one yelling my name with something more important that needs to be done for them, than what i was doing.  It might not be so horrible living alone at all.  No messes to clean up after someone else. At least until I find someone who feels the same way.  And as we all know by now- it happens when it happens. Not before then.

Patience and restraint are something i seem to have found again, like it was there all along but got packed away with the holiday decorations and never got used.

Patience to be myself but continue to breathe.  I won't hold my breath for anyone again.  I'm enthusiastic about people, and things that i like- but people have their own agenda and i need to take my time in finding out exactly what that is before i jump in with both feet.  That's where the restraint comes in.  Relax MB.  My every passing thought does not need to be verbalized.  Enjoy the silence instead of feeling lonely in it.  Embrace the nothing when it comes instead of resenting or fearing it.  It's okay to not have a feeling about every damn thing.  And it's also okay to have strong feelings and not let them be known.  

So- get that mortgage, find that home and get to figuring myself out.  Yahoo!  

Not you and I

Every day he  makes awkward small talk with me even though i'm blank staring him.

Sometimes, he has "an emergency" that ONLY I can help him with  as he hands me his minuscule thumb drive that allows him the opportunity to come behind my chair, stand over me and look down my shirt. Please find the file he lost.  I do.  Right where he saved it.

You're welcome.  Again.

He brings my dog treats that he will not eat - my saying "he won't eat treats" not being clear enough.

Today, I met his dog.  I did make all the appropriate girl noises........i mean, it's not the dogs fault.  Right?

How uncomfortable does it have to get before it stops?  Will it?  Ever?

He is harmless.  If he would be just a little bit forward I would have clearance to explain how it's not going to happen.  Not now.  Not ever. Not.

Or am i imagining it.  Isn't that how most women feel?

I must remind myself not to play his role - That there have been and there will be, ARE....men who do not have an interest in me who i continue to perform for.

Even if I have an interest in them,  Him...

It takes two baby.  It takes two.

what would Buddha do?

Over the past 6 months so many of my feelings have been conflicted that I tend to second guess my reactions to people and situations more than i ever have in the past.  I don't always trust my initial reaction any more.  My instincts with people must be flawed if i could have been so wrong about the person i thought was closest to me.

Part of me knows that isn't true, and is in fact, quite self centered.  To think I had anything to do with what HE did....that's just me still trying to be part of the life i thought i had with him.  There are two sides of me now.......the one that remembers how i thought it was, and the one that clearly sees how it really was.

I don't want to live that double life ever again, where what is really happening is ignored so that I don't hurt anyone, or disrupt anything.

This may be extremely childish, but it's how i feel.  Friends of mine shouldn't be accepting his new fuck into their lives.  If they ever cared for me at all, it makes no sense that they would welcome her with open arms simply because she is now with him.  This is the woman he was fucking while he was with me.

Part of me is tired of it and doesn't give a flying fuck.  Honestly, i have grown sick of thinking about him and anything to do with him.  NOW i'm upset over friends I thought were close inviting this bitch to sit at their dinner table and acting like the whole situation is normal and acceptable.

You know what i would do? I would say Hello to be polite and then i would ignore that cunt.  If I was my "friend" I wouldn't sit there asking getting to know you questions and immediately accepting her just because he was fucking her.  My friends are not made of convenience.  

I'm rambling because It's on my mind.  It hurts.  It hurts like a mother fucker to have it get back to me that this woman has literally taken my place with no effort at all ....like i never mattered.  Not to him, not to some friends i made through him.  That or their standards are really lacking.  Horribly.,

To act like i don't care, and it doesn't matter is a lie.  I won't lie.  I may be selfish, childish, and fucked in the head.....but i'm honest about it.  I would never stab my friend in the back because it was convenient.  And i won't accept it either.

How do i know what is me?

My new doctor put me on an additional medication that allows me to stay awake all day, and even have some energy that is supposed to help me lose weight.

Last night I fell asleep (crashed and burned) before 9:30pm while watching the new Louis C.K. video on Netflix.  Thats saying quite a bit about how hard i fell asleep because i only lust after him daily (I know, I know) and had been looking forward to watching this show all day.

I also actually slept.  The whole night.  I woke up at 5:15am thinking it was my middle of the night pit stop, and was shocked to realize i hadn't woken up all night.  First time in.......i can't remember.

I wonder if the stress of the tick i pulled off my leg last night, without screaming blue murder and upsetting the whole house, knocked me out - or the new combination of meds is actually working for me.

OR is it that i finally shed some extra heartache i had been carrying around?  Acceptance is a wonderful thing.  I have been set completely and utterly free from my past - finally.  I can carry on in the present now.  Hear that sigh of relief?

My new THERAPIST is no bullshit.  I'm a little scared.  This woman is going to get somewhere with me.  Already she's confronted me, and i must say - she's good.   The first visit is always so much fun when they get all your background and i voice the ridiculous history i have.  I wait for the eyebrows to raise, or the "are you fucking kidding me" face to appear.........she didn't give me any of that.  Almost like she expected it.  Or she's heard it before and honestly, i don't care which.  I feel like i'm in good hands.

So between the new medication and the able therapist - I can't really tell who "me" is.  When i get completely annoyed because the people in the conference room next to me are so loud and inconsiderate of all the offices (mine) around them.....is that me?  When i get a rush of good feeling as if i am literally drinking it, pouring it down my throat and into my gut......is that me? Could this be called transition?  Growth?  what is it?    How do other people manage to live their lives, plow through their bullshit and manage to maintain their sanity through it all without help?  Will I now always have to be medicated and in therapy or will i "get better"?  Is this my life now?  Is it safe to let my guard down and roll with it yet?

Happiness seems so sporadic and undependable, inconsistent.  Contentment is what i'm craving.  A nice steady flow of contentment with the process.......no more highs or lows.  What a gift that would be.