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How do i know what is me?

My new doctor put me on an additional medication that allows me to stay awake all day, and even have some energy that is supposed to help me lose weight.

Last night I fell asleep (crashed and burned) before 9:30pm while watching the new Louis C.K. video on Netflix.  Thats saying quite a bit about how hard i fell asleep because i only lust after him daily (I know, I know) and had been looking forward to watching this show all day.

I also actually slept.  The whole night.  I woke up at 5:15am thinking it was my middle of the night pit stop, and was shocked to realize i hadn't woken up all night.  First time in.......i can't remember.

I wonder if the stress of the tick i pulled off my leg last night, without screaming blue murder and upsetting the whole house, knocked me out - or the new combination of meds is actually working for me.

OR is it that i finally shed some extra heartache i had been carrying around?  Acceptance is a wonderful thing.  I have been set completely and utterly free from my past - finally.  I can carry on in the present now.  Hear that sigh of relief?

My new THERAPIST is no bullshit.  I'm a little scared.  This woman is going to get somewhere with me.  Already she's confronted me, and i must say - she's good.   The first visit is always so much fun when they get all your background and i voice the ridiculous history i have.  I wait for the eyebrows to raise, or the "are you fucking kidding me" face to appear.........she didn't give me any of that.  Almost like she expected it.  Or she's heard it before and honestly, i don't care which.  I feel like i'm in good hands.

So between the new medication and the able therapist - I can't really tell who "me" is.  When i get completely annoyed because the people in the conference room next to me are so loud and inconsiderate of all the offices (mine) around them.....is that me?  When i get a rush of good feeling as if i am literally drinking it, pouring it down my throat and into my gut......is that me? Could this be called transition?  Growth?  what is it?    How do other people manage to live their lives, plow through their bullshit and manage to maintain their sanity through it all without help?  Will I now always have to be medicated and in therapy or will i "get better"?  Is this my life now?  Is it safe to let my guard down and roll with it yet?

Happiness seems so sporadic and undependable, inconsistent.  Contentment is what i'm craving.  A nice steady flow of contentment with the process.......no more highs or lows.  What a gift that would be.

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