Really adulting now

Seems like people are always suggesting that i go to therapy.

This can be taken in several ways- 

one, stop bothering me with your stupid, repetitive bullshit and go pay someone to listen

two, i really think your problems are severe and i'm not willing to be responsible for advising you to go jump off a bridge and end your pitiful existence.. or

three, maybe therapy will help you.  Give that a shot.

I like to handle things myself, after all, i'm quite good at analyzing every word and action of people around me, including myself.  I'm just not so good at putting those results into expected or appropriate actions.  In other words, i know.  I know.  I know.  And yet, i continue to willfully make myself miserable.

She's a place of comfort, misery.  I know her so well. 

HOWEVER, i did make a promise to myself that THIS year would be all about me, my goals, my needs, desires, wants........All there is, is me.  

I will buy my first ever roof, that is mine in name and debt - I will get my pistol permit (to protect myself under said roof if needed) and I will "try new things"...like, taking art classes, dancing, being active (didn't say i had to love it) and generally loving myself, and raising my standards for myself. A big one for me is making myself reach out to family and friends and actually SEE THEM more regularly.  I think of people i love every day, and yet I stop there.  I must make more effort to assure that they are aware of how important they are to me, even as i hide from the world restoring my energy by staring at a blank wall........and loving the peace of it.

I've fallen a few times over the past month, been triggered into going full out stalker and spending hours trying to find information on "her" and "him"....all the while kicking myself in the ass and screaming WTF are you DOING??  aside from obtaining a whole lot of worthless information that in the end means absolutely nothing to my life.  I thought it would make me feel better to know.......and it didn't.  It just wasted that time.  

I'm still kicking and screaming like a small spoiled child "its not fair".........but really it is.  I deserve so much better than what i was involved in.  My head knows this even if my heart is slow to learn.  It wasn't just giving him up though............as the months went on I realized that I also needed to step back from friendships that used to be very close.  I didn't want to admit that to myself, that anyone i considered close would no longer play a big part in my life, yet that is exactly what needed to happen.

I torture myself enough without having anyone stir that misery pot but giving me information about him, or her or therm or what they do.  I also didn't need to hear that "she seems nice" from someone that was supposed to have my best interest in mind.  I've been replaced.  Probably more so out of convenience than anything else.  It's just easier that way for some.  I tried not to put anyone in the situation where they felt a need to pick sides, and yet people do it anyways for their own reasons.  

Accepting this is hard, but healthy.  And that is my focus right now - keeping healthy.  Even if i feel like slapping the shit out of people.  

The whole joining websites to find someone to date......thats been put on hold indefinitely as well.  I know I was looking for another relationship to jump into because thats where i am comfortable.  A friend of mine has suggested repeatedly that I should not date and i think he's right.  My daughter flat out told me this weekend "no dating".  She said i don't even know myself or what i want in a man and it's scary for me to admit she is right.  It's not time for men, it's time for me.  Thats where i need to be most comfortable.  

Therapy, here i come.