Thursday sucked balls. But because of it, i earned mine. My balls that is.
Everyone who cares for me has expressed their concern over my continual contact with him. One friend put it like this, "It will only bring you more heartache and drama." and he was absolutely correct.
I spent a whole day last week involved in his personal hell, that he brought upon himself that only he can fix. It had nothing to do with me. However, I became involved. Why? because i'm the idiot that still loves him - okay, loves what i thought he was. Okay. LOVED what i thought he was.
I had to make a tough choice, and i did what i thought was right. I knew he would be angry, probably never speak to me again and I still did what i knew had to be done. Because of this choice a lot of information hit me that I was unprepared for. The betrayal i felt was exactly what i needed to finally cut my ties with him.
I've heard so many different versions of his story since we broke up but now i know for fact that she was around long before we parted ways. Her and whoever else. He actively and purposely deceived me, used me and treated me as the fool i was.
Even after a day of hell I sat crying on the phone to my friend, "why can't i block him out of my life? Why can't i do it?" and he told me "because you think you are going to fix him. There is a part of you that wants to be back with him. You are leaving the door open"
And five minutes later I blocked him out of my phone, my social media and my life. Now i have to block him from my thoughts. I believe that will happen a lot faster now. Because maybe my friend was right. Maybe EVEN with everything that has been said and done I was still waiting for him to come to his senses.
But here's what really saved me from my self. I realized it was never about me in the first place. It was always about him. His life is exactly what he put into it. And so is mine.
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