Wine is the answer

Last night i shut my eyes at 9:30pm and did not open them again until 4:30am.  It was the most solid sleep i've had in months if not years.  I do not recall tossing and turning or waking up to look at the clock. How i would love to do that again and again consecutively until i am no longer tired and feeling like i'm dragging myself around.

I had a nice big fat glass of wine with dinner and I was only a 1/4 of the way into it when i realized "hey i feel kinda nice".  While cleaning up dinner I thought "well now, i'm nice and relaxed" and by the time i went to bed (not long after) I could barely keep my eyes open to put my audio book on.

Guess what my new routine will include?  Damn skippy.

And on another completely off topic note:  Miyagi makes grown men giggle and I LOVE THAT.

Stop! No, GO!

Yes, the woman who laments about being "alone" all the time is the same woman who really needs a lot of time alone.  I know.  Be me.  I don't even understand me.

Here's what I think.  I actually quite enjoy my time alone when i know it will end.  I love knowing that I can read, or putz around for however long and that at the end of that time there will be someone who wants to spend their time with me.  Either, coming home, or meeting me somewhere to do something......so........I'm not really alone, i'm just enjoying my time until I see that someone.

The difference - When I do not want to be alone and I need to talk something out, or just be in the presence of someone who cares for me (even if we are doing something entirely different and not even talking to each other) and it NEVER ENDS.  There IS no time that will be mine to look forward to.  It's day in and day out of me waiting to be cared for or considered special enough to have time put aside for me in the way that i need.

Admittedly, even I may not know what I need.  But, when i don't know something and it's important to me - I try to find out.  Finding out is how I show I care.  And asking questions is how i find out.  Do you know how much asking questions pisses some people off?  A lot.  But then, maybe i'm caring for the wrong people?  I don't like being interrogated either, but when someone asks me about myself i'm happy to engage.  There isn't anything very outrageous or scandalous that I need to keep under wraps so why not?  Whats the worst thing that can happen?  You may get to know me and not like me?  I can live with that.  I'm sure you can too.  But at least we'd KNOW.

There are "things" i keep private, believe it or not.  But usually it's only because it is also someone elses private business that isn't mine alone to share.  Or very special moments that if i share will somehow become less.....i would love more of those in my life.

I would actually love not having a damn thing to say.  If i could wake up one morning and not think a thought on purpose I would do it several times a week.  Wait - is that meditation?  Well maybe that's what i need to get on immediately.  If i'm cleaning out all my physical stuff wouldn't it be wonderful to also clean out my mental attic?  Get rid of the broken stuff i don't need anymore?  Make room for clean open space?

Do I really want open space in my brain?

That's probably not the best way to think about it.  And there it is......yet another thing to think about.

So, yes, i need a lot of time alone.  Talking to people, being around people - brings up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings and I need time to process by myself.  As much as i enjoy people (most people) I am mentally drained being around them all the time.  I need to refuel my "self" by being alone.  By being quiet.  By letting my thoughts feed out all the way to the end so i can let them go.  I am overstimulated by other people - even people i love very very much.  Especially.

There is a teeny tiny part in my brain that is absolutely furious that I am getting so much love and caring from all directions but one.  That one person who thought life would be better without me, or simply that life with me wasn't good.....that's the one I want the time from.  That's who I want draining my mental energy.

How fucked up is that?                             Very.

Facebook detox

Facebook is not a friend to someone going through a breakup.  It is a torture device - that allows you to follow the very person you need to cut ties with until your backbone grows back.  Yes, you can "unfriend" them, but what about all the family and friends that are also attached to them?  Maybe i could roll along just fine, scrolling through and then BAM!  Theres a picture, or an event with him tagged that I didn't get to go to.........yeah, screw that noise.  Facebook is off limits to me for a while- maybe a long ass while.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

Maybe i'm a baby, or being immature but i don't think social media, where emotional time bombs lay ticking, is a good place for me to hang around.  Although it does make me feel very much out of the loop with everyone.....but my friends will always be reachable, with or without "the facebook" as i call it, just to make my daughter cringe.

Looks like blogging is my outlet now.  ya. hoo.   I have zero intention of correcting my grammar so anyone expecting that will be disappointed.  Writing does exercise the brain though and the brain is a good place to start.

Three things on my mind at the moment:

#1   My commute in to work is only 10 minutes more coming from the other side of the state.  BUT it's all highway and it takes me kind of out of the way in order to jump on the the next route.  I think tomorrow i'm going to try backroads for a more direct route.  When i say back roads, what i mean is pot hole city on narrow twisty long country roads.   I hate highways and my car hates pot holes.  We are going to have to compromise. I should have paid better attention so i would know, but - is highway driving better or worse for a vehicle?

#2   Future Thanksgivings have been ruined for me unless there is mole. 

If you do not know what Mexican Mole is, or you have not had it, go get you some. Immediately.  

#3  I miss him.  I miss our cats.  

The day before we give Thanks

When life is in turmoil it is difficult to remember that there is still much to be grateful for.  There is actual effort required to identify something that brings you joy and/or comfort amidst the anxiety and sadness that takes priority during this period of time.

And that in itself is something important to remember - "during THIS period of time".  Life will not always feel like this.  It will get better, and worse and better again for as long as we are alive.  This too, is temporary.  Everything is temporary.  Isn't that something to be grateful for?

This year I will celebrate Thanksgiving in NYC with my beautiful, caring daughter and her boyfriend. She will house me, feed me, laugh with me, allow me to cry but not for long, and heal me. For her, i am grateful.

Last night i ate dinner at my son's home, cooked by his girlfriend, to celebrate his birthday.  I'm not sure when he turned into a man- but to look at him and see his strength, his calm, his happiness- is to feel successful as a mother.  For him, i am grateful.

For my children's spouses who bring them happiness and love - I am grateful.

For the many friends who have reached out to me, offering me an ear, boxes, a roof, time, help packing, supportive words, hugs, encouragement and reality checks - I am grateful.

For the family that I have called my own for the past 13 years, who have shared their holidays and achievements, their time and their love - I am grateful for the times I spent with you and the memories i will always have.

And for him I am also grateful, that he was able to do what I could not.  That he has been sensitive to all the myriad of feelings and emotions we have been sifting through - trying to sort out.  That in our time of parting he has been there for me probably more that ever before.  I am grateful for the love that we had, and for this new love that we will always have.

I'm grateful for more time, and more choices, and more adventures and more learning to be done, more experiences to be had, more people to meet and more self knowledge to shed light on.

I'm grateful to be alive, and to be able to feel ALL the feelings, both painful and joyous.

Happy Thanksgiving.

prisoner to my emotions

Lately i judge the quality of my day based on if/or how many times i've cried with no warning.  For instance, if I can get through a whole conversation without having to swallow my tears or pause and look to the sky for a moment.......more than once in a day......it's a good day.

Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home.  Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home.  Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON.

But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood.  Yet i can NOT let them go.  I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again.  We can sit, all three of us, and go through these things i think are so special and they can tell me they don't want to have to throw it out when i'm dead.  Then we will have a bonfire of all the things they do not want, and i will no longer drag along with me.  I will have the satisfaction of having shared with them, and they will feel relief over not having a mother who hoards.

Hoarding is one of my worst fears. Even so, i have all this stuff.  W.T.F.

I hoard memories and the objects that remind me.  Its really time to let it all go.

Each day i try to think of a positive thought about my future to focus on, instead of this ache in my chest and shakiness in my limbs.  Saturday I woke up with "i'm going to New York City to see my daughter" and then i went.  I grabbed Miyagi (my dog) and we hit the road.  I needed to prove to myself that I can do anything i set my mind to.  And NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Especially fear, or insecurity.  I did it.  And i'm proud of myself.  NEXT~!!

This year is about me going solo.  There is no taking care of anyone but myself.  My children are grown and successful - and i'm single.  For the first time in my entire life i have no one to take care of, or consider, but myself.  Yes, i will probably go on dates so i don't become stunted in conversing with males.  No, i will not develop any relationships with said males.  Honestly, I feel done.  I feel like i've had enough bullshit and heartache to last a life time.  If i want to do absolutely nothing but stare at a wall all day, i don't want to hear any opinions on it.  If i want to go out every night of the week and swing from chandeliers well.......i don't want to hear any opinions on it.  I don't want to give a damn what any man thinks of what i'm doing or not doing or how i'm doing it.  Simple.  I filled my quota of listening to the list of shit that i need to change or improve or start or stop.  I'm gonna do me, thank you.

If after a year I decide i'd like to open that door again - there will be a check off list.  I never had one of those- i just followed my heart into the abyss and THIS is where it landed me.  So a check off list there will be.  I've already stated that a requirement is # the ability to celebrate each other and here are a few more:

# I won't begin or stay in a relationship with a man who won't visit my kids with me, either in the next town or half way across the world.

#As much as I enjoy a day off alone to lay around and read a book - I would like to vacation with the man i'm in a relationship with.  I will never again be the woman in a relationship that has to show up alone or with a girlfriend to every function, or trip.  I'm done with that.  And SOMETIMES i'd like the vacation to be JUST the TWO OF US and not a whole group of friends.  And let me get greedy here.......i want to pick where we are going once in a while and have him just agree and be happy about it.

Here's one i thought of last night while it was snowing: #I would like to spend some snowy days together in a warm house, playing games, watching movies, or reading - just being together and enjoying the gift of a day together where we don't have to go out.  For so many years now, snow has meant that i would be alone so it's no wonder it makes me sad.  No more.  I won't be put on a shelf to be taken down when there is nothing better to do.  That was my fault for even making it an option.  It won't happen again.

Oh, whats that?  my spine?  nice to see you again.  It's been a while. xoxoxo

Me me me

I I I iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Feeling more than a little self centered and frankly 'I' am getting bored of it and would like to move along.  Unfortunately, this is where 'I' am right now.  Stuck in the middle of me.

The mantra i've shared with friends going through a bad time in the past has always been "this time next year will it matter?"  And yes, in my case, it will still matter.  I will still matter.  He will still matter - WE won't.  Ergo the stuck in me pattern.  I am obsessing.  I am getting angry, sad, curious, excited, depressed, mournful, bitter, forgiving, hateful - pick a minute.  It's a crap shoot.  And i can NOT wait for this part to be over.

Yet, i put off moving another week.

I am trying to be kind to myself by not loading on the stress right before my sons birthday and Thanksgiving in NYC for a few days- - doesn't seem to be a good time to move a few days before.  I could be wrong, I have been before.  I will be again.

Am i dragging ass trying to stay in the house?  No- i've actually felt the disconnection already.  I don't get that "home" feeling when i pull into the driveway anymore.  Now i think "do i have enough boxes" and "why do i have so much crap" and "boy am i glad i won't have to feed the woodstove"....So a part of me that was very attached to this home is gone.  A part of me is gone.

When i leave i'm sure more parts of me will disappear.  Making room?  Protecting my sanity?  My heart?

Gross i just had the theme song to Titanic roll through my head.  It's getting bad.

My heart will go on

Not to mention, completely off track.

My brain keeps flashing back, wayyyy back, and not so way back.  Last night i had a nightmare about my ex husband.  So....maybe i'm shorting out my neurotransmitters with all this thinking bullshit.

wait - here's another one to add to the puke factor   I will always love you

yes, i'm singing.

Middle of the street

This blog used to be called "my life in the middle of the street" because that's how i always felt.  A friend recently said to me that she couldn't believe after all this time that HE still seemed to BE "in the middle of the street" after stating that breaking up with me was either the worst or best decision he has ever made.

This hit home for me.  It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me.  Because he wasn't.  He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street.  Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say.  Same thing.   He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so......

I was never a jealous woman.  I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage.  Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship.   Or all the randoms that he would just not tell me he was visiting - I call that lying by omission, he calls it none of my business.  The texting, the calls, the omissions.......the outrageous anger that would shut down any questions i had.  I can't fucking believe i stood for it.  I still wonder how he would have felt if i had been visiting my male friends he didn't know or know anything about and just not ever telling him?  I would have just broken up with him because i think, i could be wrong here, but i think that is called SINGLE.

BECAUSE I never would have given two shits about who he was talking to, or texting, or spending time with if he had been keeping up with his relationship with ME.  Because I am the one he came home to, because I am the one he called his spouse, because I was the one he was supposed to make a priority.  Thats hard to do when you are spreading yourself around to every other "friend" you don't want your girlfriend to know.  Why is that?  That's some serious bullshit and i'm a complete dunce for ever falling for it. All that time I was spending alone, all those unanswered texts and calls because "his phone was in the car" even though it was always attached to his hand when he was with me....

Why did these same females think I was such a jealous bitch?  Because he was telling them that?  Maybe? Why would i have to ever snoop to find out what the hell was going on with him because he was distant and moody or outright nasty.  Because every time i did start snooping (a LOT) it was instigated by his extreme mood shift with no trigger - and every time there was a new number that he was back and forth with connected to some chick he had "always been friends with".........pffft.  another one?  damnnnn.

And the lies.  LOL I caught him in so many stupid, who gives a shit, lies.  I take responsibility for my own stupid ass.  I needed to learn.  Apparently i am a slowwwww learner.

I never hid any of my friends, let alone male friends.  I never got defensive about answering questions.  I never felt i needed to lock down my facebook, or email or phone - it was all an open book to him.  Maybe he would have found things he didn't appreciate, and that might have been up for discussion, and I would have adjusted for the good of our relationship.  He just wanted it all.  The single life, while being in a relationship with me.    The middle of the fucking street.

Well i deserved and do deserve better.  I deserve a relationship with someone who finds me enough, who will still love me as I age and change.  Not "too much" as he would say and obviously wasn't true since he had so much time on his hands.  Do i think he cheated on me?  No i do not think he was having sex outside of our relationship but I know he liked the idea of being able to.  I know he liked secrecy (the fact that i write about him pisses him off to no end and guess what?  I don't give a shit any more) He likes the feeling of getting away with shit and thats not limited to just ME.

So there.  I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest.  For all the women who were/are friends with him and knew he was keeping you a secret from his "jealous" girlfriend - or who never bothered to introduce you to me, or encouraged you to dislike me without ever knowing ME.....have fun with that.  You deserved better too.  And to his ex girlfriend that he works with who on the few occasions that she saw me gave me the shittiest stink eye.....wtf was your problem?  Don't you wonder how a guy stays with someone for 13 years and calls you such a good friend doesn't even encourage a friendly relationship? In fact just the opposite, he encouraged hard feelings and conflict and you participated.  Bitch.  Please.  You deserve your relationship with him.  Every. last. bit. of it.

Some might not appreciate my blogging about my life experiences and thoughts and those people should make it a point not to return.   Because my fucking gag has been removed with this break up and i have nothing to lose.  I speak my truth and I do it loudly, and without apology.  And thats how it should have been all along.

Falling in love again

Today is not a good day.

I keep feeling waves of rage all because this morning i noticed he cleaned out his truck all nice and has his nice smelling deodorant and minty gum in the console.  Fucker.  I suppose the "guys" were complaining, eh?

I keep playing the soundtrack of our break up in my mind -"i'm not attracted to you anymore.  I don't just mean your looks"........

Could I make a list of shit that has changed with YOU since we first met and fell in love?  Yes.

Will I?  No.

Because i know that shit hurts and it's petty and i wouldn't do it to anyone. So don't feel special.

I have to keep reminding myself that men don't turn into prince charming when there is a break up.  They are the same guy that didn't appreciate you, didn't value you, didn't treat you right while you were together - magnified.

So why does my heart hurt?  Because I let it go on for so long and probably would have forever?  Because in the end HE broke up with me?  What does that say about me?

What it says to me right off the bat is that I have no business dating ANY man until I have my own head on straight.  What it says to me is that i have a whole lot of learning about myself to do.  I need to date me, treat myself special and fall in love with me.

~The trick is not minding that it hurts.~

why didn't i remind myself?

I meant to take pictures of the house before i started packing and i completely forgot.  Is that morbid?  To want to remember my first real "home"......that was finished and painted the way i wanted before we ever moved in?  Our little tiny home that i loved so much I never wanted to be pried out of the house or off of our deck.

Being laid off from work shortly after we moved in left me with a lot of time and no money to decorate however through the years we slowly added furniture and decorations that reflected who we were, not the latest styles.  I've become someone who does what feels good, happy and comfortable, not someone who does what everyone else is doing.  I tried to surround ourselves in items that brought us joy, sentimentality or comfort. Our home reflected that I think.  He says it was always my home, never his - however, "my" home would not have displayed glasses from beer festivals we've attended every year, or Camaros.  Nor would it have sported a dirtbike shower curtain or huge Fox sign in the bathroom........which i actually grew to love.

I like everything in its place, and organized.  He doesn't.  We are polar opposites in every way, this was bound to catch up with us.  (Although it was and remains one of my crazy attractions to him)

So obviously i started packing, if that's what you call taking everything out of cabinets, and closets and depositing the items all over the damn house so you can barely walk between that and the empty boxes.  I have succeeded in making one hellified mess that slowly is starting to make sense.  So many friends have offered to help me pack and as much as i'd love the company and assistance it is virtually impossible to accept.  I am purging you see, getting rid of items that i have moved around with me for years and either never or no longer need.  Attachment to things is something i would really like to limit.  I feel the need to lighten my load so to speak.  Simplify my existence.  Also, since i will be living in several different places I need to decide what comes with me there, what to store and what to give away.  These are things, and I will not die without them.  It is infinitely more painful to give up people.

Distraction

Youtube has a lot of "self help" videos, i've recently noticed.  Well, i noticed as i was searching for "how to mend a broken heart" like a 16 year old.  I'm not someone who likes pain, contrary to popular belief.  I want to laugh.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel lightness, and joy.  So- this feeling of something squeezing my chest so i can't take deep breathes without starting to cry- THIS is not how i want to be feeling.  My brain says "shut it down" my heart says "not a fuckin chance bitch". Thats why i'm searching for videos to tell me how to make the hurt stop.  Give me directions on how people get through a break up from a long term relationship that they weren't ready for.

But truthfully.  Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it.  Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it.  I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I didn't want to not see him every day, or hear him, or feel him.  I kept hoping for the happy version of him and most times that is not what was coming home.  And yet, I still did nothing.  Oh, yeah i talked at him, I asked him for what i wanted and accepted that he didn't want the same.  I was willing to let this go on indefinitely and as much as this hurts me (and he is also hurting I know) I am grateful that he was strong enough to say "enough".   I never would have.

Along with feeling this loss I am surprised to recognize a feeling of curiosity - what will happen next?  I've spent so much of my time waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be valued as a priority, as a partner that it almost feels good to shed it all and be "new" again.  This is my clean slate.  It was handed to me and i would be a fool to not appreciate it.

After my marriage ended I knew exactly what i did NOT want.  During this relationship i have learned what I do want.  If i hadn't learned anything from either of those long term (20 and 13 years) relationships I would say i'm a hopeless cause.  Could i have learned the same lessons during brief and multiple relationships?  I don't know.  I don't think so though.  I was a different person in both relationships in order to acclimate to their lives, their expectations of me.  At 48 i'm still wondering what do i want to do with the rest of my life - I thought it was "be with him".......is that as lame as it looks in print?

This is my time.  This is my year to figure out what MY life is, what i want it to be and where I'M taking it.  Not someone else.  Me.  I'm not a grand person, my aspirations are not that exciting.  I love home, and comfort and peace.  I love deep conversations, i love to dream out loud.  I love great big real hugs.  I love watching people and eaves dropping.  Can't help it, i'm nosy.  Nosy about what makes people do what they do.......and so much more.  It's safe to say i'm not looking to dive out of a plane or bungee jump, or have any death defying goals.  I'm not an excitement junkie - i hate seeing people get hurt.

I'm told i need to make a list of the qualities i want in a relationship.  Not so much a check off sheet but a reminder.  I'm told it will change - because i will change.  I've never been alone.  I've been in a relationship my entire adult life with only a short time in between the two.

I was sad thinking this happened right before the holidays.  But is there ever a good time to break up? I'm grateful for the friends that have wrapped themselves around me, so i don't loose any of the parts that have shattered.  I'm grateful for my children who show their love for me in the way that they care for both our well being, him and I.  It is a relief to know that my kids are grown, independent and happy.  It is what i aspire to be.

This list, I must start it.  And because it's this time of year i know one thing I will require: A man who knows how and wants to celebrate me and one that will allow me to celebrate him.  I don't mean fancy gifts........i mean meaningful and purposeful shows of celebration of each other.  (the two best gifts I ever received was a hand delivered home made valentine and a  classic childrens book I had never read)  I want to feel the excitement of knowing he is planning something and I want to be able to do the same and have him never take it for granted.  I want to have fun at the holidays, like a child.  I want to go see lights and get hot chocolate and watch the lighting of christmas trees.  I want to shop together for other people.  I want to participate in what the holidays mean for him, and me.

So.  There's the first item on my list.  The ability to celebrate each other.  

For the past 5 years, my ride in to work has been all beautiful back roads through Wolcott, Cheshire and Hamden.  For so long I hated my commute but i've grown to love this one.

The houses are beautiful and i love to see how they are decorated during the different seasons and holidays. I have my favorites of course, the ones i fantasize about what it would be like to live in, and how I would decorate and the parties I would have.  Its not even the big huge expensive (although i believe they are ALL expensive) homes that attract me.  It's the different ones.  The ones that you can't tell what the layout is from the outside.  You just know there are cozy nooks in that house.  One of my favorites is located on a tight curve and it is nestled right into it.  One of the trees on the road has wooden arrows pointing in all different directions with the names of cities all over the country painted on them.  They had that up BEFORE pinterest.  And the rest of the house and yard look like someone who really loves their home lives there.  It looks cozy, warm, inviting.  Friendly.  I love to drive by that house.

The other thing i see and have grown to take comfort in the familiarity of is two men.  One used to walk his dogs (3 or 4 depending) while he goes through peoples trash cans.  He lives in a huge red house (I've seen him sitting in the yard with the dogs) but he walks around trash picking.  This isn't a poor area.  If he's living in that house, i'm thinking he has no need to pick. So I always wonder about him - is he a hoarder? Extremely frugal?  Nosy?  He has wild long white hair and a matching beard, but he doesn't look homeless.  More like a hippie.  Maybe he's recycling.  Recently I've started seeing him on a bike, no dogs.  I felt sad the first time i saw him without the dogs.  I hope they are okay.  

The other man I don't see as often but when i do I get so excited.  He walks the cheshire path and he has the determined look on his face, he's almost marching, and swinging his arms - he hits, not slap, not touch, not swipe, HITS the post as he walks around it to go back in the other direction down the path.  I see him at a crossroad.  It's his turn back point.  And he isn't playing around.  He is Half Way and he is making it real.  Why does this tickle me so much?  Because i do the same damn thing.  Before the walking trail was brought all the way around Woodtick Reservoir I would have to pick a side to walk on.  If i went on the shady side through the woods (which i usually did because thats my favorite part) I would walk right up to the end at the road and hit a rock that i HAD to walk around before i could head back in the other direction.  I know what he feels.  I don't know him.  

So weird that my personal life is the exact opposite of that statement.  I do know him, I had no idea what he felt.  Not for lack of trying.  

So I did get to see the season change to fall, and drive down all the roads where you can't see sky because the trees meet each other over the road.  I did get to enjoy my views and take in the beauty of my morning ride.  I did get to see The Sleeping Giant every morning, usually misted although through a bunch of netting put up to stop the golf balls from shooting on to Whitney Ave.......It is still majestic. And I have hiked it several times.  I may again, but it won't be the same, and that's okay.

I feel like i'm saying goodbye to something I loved.  Silly, as it's "just" a ride, and duh, I can drive down it any time I want.  It just won't be my commute. My time of day to appreciate the beauty in nature AND man made buildings.  I've had so many peaceful happy trips down these roads.

And now I will find new ones. 

 

It must be an awful feeling to rip apart someones life, so I get that you would want to try and make me (yourself) feel better by reaching out with nonsensical messages such as "hope you're having a good day".  I mean, i know the intention was a good one, but really?  Fuck you.  My good days are on hold for a "bit" until I can begin to recognize my life again, thank you.  Do I sound angry?  At this moment, i am.  Try me in 5 minutes and there may be snot pouring out of my nose and lot of trying to suck air in between the wrenching sobs.  Or I might just be registering students for next semester.  Who the fuck knows what emotion will pour out of my face and body in the next moment?  Do you?

I want to thank you for not doing this to me while i was trying to get my own shit straight.  Seriously. Had you not been so chivalrous you may have had a bridge jumping on your hands.  Smart move to sit tight during my crisis of "why do i feel like such shit all the time".  Oh, here, have a pill and try some therapy and we'll get you back to manageable.  It's great that i have such clarity on the lack of control i have over my life.

I hate this feeling of sarcasm and self loathing and white hot anger.  Hate. it.  And the disappointment in you and in me and in the fact that I still haven't learned.  When am i going to stop hating my lunch hour or any minute that isn't filled with some kind of mental activity so that i don't have to think about this and FUCK UP MY MAKEUP again.

You have no right to make yourself feel better by trying to comfort me.  Stop it. You wanted this and you finally worked yourself into saying it so now you need to own it. It hurts to let go of something you are used to having.  I know.   Don't be afraid.  The hardest part is done.  Your happy days are coming right up. You let me worry about mine.

how to break up part one

Selective memory isn't something you want when your spouse is breaking up with you.   During the first few days, at least from my personal experience, you will only remember all the good things you are losing as you walk back and forth between the same two rooms not knowing what the hell to do with all these FEELINGS. You will hurt, you will rage, you will want to beg (don't) you will want to make deals, or talk them into not leaving you.  These aren't to be shared with that person.  That person gave up the right to know your innermost workings.  Fuck that person and i don't mean literally.  You need to remember ALL of it, like all the NOT so good things you will no longer have to deal with.

And to the person DOING the breaking up- be honest, be kind, be quick and be the fuck gone. It is not a kindness to the person you are breaking up with to be too nice.  I'm here to tell you that it will be taken as a ray of hope that you are changing your mind, that you have come to your senses, that OF COURSE you can't live without them either!  Here's the key, have a place to go BEFORE you blow up the world of your live in partner.  That way you can exit stage left and leave them to begin their healing.  And your healing.  Hanging around thinking you are "helping" the person being left is, lets be honest here, more about your feelings than theirs.  IF you do have reason to feel bad, then feel bad.  From a distance.  DO NOT place any more hurt on the person who has just had their life as they knew it balled up and thrown away by you.  YOU are not the person to comfort them.

Do NOT keep telling that person you "love" them.  That is the biggest line of bullshit around.  Love goes through growing pains, Love learns, adjusts, sacrifices and supports.  Love gets help when it can't do it alone.  Love holds on during the storm.  People who do NOT love each other break up, give up, walk away.  Don't mix it up.  Don't use it to lighten your guilt.  Be responsible and clean up your business respectfully, and without conditions.  Even if you don't love that person any more, at one point you thought you did.  Do the right thing.