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Me me me

I I I iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Feeling more than a little self centered and frankly 'I' am getting bored of it and would like to move along.  Unfortunately, this is where 'I' am right now.  Stuck in the middle of me.

The mantra i've shared with friends going through a bad time in the past has always been "this time next year will it matter?"  And yes, in my case, it will still matter.  I will still matter.  He will still matter - WE won't.  Ergo the stuck in me pattern.  I am obsessing.  I am getting angry, sad, curious, excited, depressed, mournful, bitter, forgiving, hateful - pick a minute.  It's a crap shoot.  And i can NOT wait for this part to be over.

Yet, i put off moving another week.

I am trying to be kind to myself by not loading on the stress right before my sons birthday and Thanksgiving in NYC for a few days- - doesn't seem to be a good time to move a few days before.  I could be wrong, I have been before.  I will be again.

Am i dragging ass trying to stay in the house?  No- i've actually felt the disconnection already.  I don't get that "home" feeling when i pull into the driveway anymore.  Now i think "do i have enough boxes" and "why do i have so much crap" and "boy am i glad i won't have to feed the woodstove"....So a part of me that was very attached to this home is gone.  A part of me is gone.

When i leave i'm sure more parts of me will disappear.  Making room?  Protecting my sanity?  My heart?

Gross i just had the theme song to Titanic roll through my head.  It's getting bad.

My heart will go on

Not to mention, completely off track.

My brain keeps flashing back, wayyyy back, and not so way back.  Last night i had a nightmare about my ex husband.  So....maybe i'm shorting out my neurotransmitters with all this thinking bullshit.

wait - here's another one to add to the puke factor   I will always love you

yes, i'm singing.

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