Yes, the woman who laments about being "alone" all the time is the same woman who really needs a lot of time alone. I know. Be me. I don't even understand me.
Here's what I think. I actually quite enjoy my time alone when i know it will end. I love knowing that I can read, or putz around for however long and that at the end of that time there will be someone who wants to spend their time with me. Either, coming home, or meeting me somewhere to do something......so........I'm not really alone, i'm just enjoying my time until I see that someone.
The difference - When I do not want to be alone and I need to talk something out, or just be in the presence of someone who cares for me (even if we are doing something entirely different and not even talking to each other) and it NEVER ENDS. There IS no time that will be mine to look forward to. It's day in and day out of me waiting to be cared for or considered special enough to have time put aside for me in the way that i need.
Admittedly, even I may not know what I need. But, when i don't know something and it's important to me - I try to find out. Finding out is how I show I care. And asking questions is how i find out. Do you know how much asking questions pisses some people off? A lot. But then, maybe i'm caring for the wrong people? I don't like being interrogated either, but when someone asks me about myself i'm happy to engage. There isn't anything very outrageous or scandalous that I need to keep under wraps so why not? Whats the worst thing that can happen? You may get to know me and not like me? I can live with that. I'm sure you can too. But at least we'd KNOW.
There are "things" i keep private, believe it or not. But usually it's only because it is also someone elses private business that isn't mine alone to share. Or very special moments that if i share will somehow become less.....i would love more of those in my life.
I would actually love not having a damn thing to say. If i could wake up one morning and not think a thought on purpose I would do it several times a week. Wait - is that meditation? Well maybe that's what i need to get on immediately. If i'm cleaning out all my physical stuff wouldn't it be wonderful to also clean out my mental attic? Get rid of the broken stuff i don't need anymore? Make room for clean open space?
Do I really want open space in my brain?
That's probably not the best way to think about it. And there it is......yet another thing to think about.
So, yes, i need a lot of time alone. Talking to people, being around people - brings up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings and I need time to process by myself. As much as i enjoy people (most people) I am mentally drained being around them all the time. I need to refuel my "self" by being alone. By being quiet. By letting my thoughts feed out all the way to the end so i can let them go. I am overstimulated by other people - even people i love very very much. Especially.
There is a teeny tiny part in my brain that is absolutely furious that I am getting so much love and caring from all directions but one. That one person who thought life would be better without me, or simply that life with me wasn't good.....that's the one I want the time from. That's who I want draining my mental energy.
How fucked up is that? Very.
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