This blog used to be called "my life in the middle of the street" because that's how i always felt. A friend recently said to me that she couldn't believe after all this time that HE still seemed to BE "in the middle of the street" after stating that breaking up with me was either the worst or best decision he has ever made.
This hit home for me. It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me. Because he wasn't. He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street. Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say. Same thing. He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so......
I was never a jealous woman. I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage. Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship. Or all the randoms that he would just not tell me he was visiting - I call that lying by omission, he calls it none of my business. The texting, the calls, the omissions.......the outrageous anger that would shut down any questions i had. I can't fucking believe i stood for it. I still wonder how he would have felt if i had been visiting my male friends he didn't know or know anything about and just not ever telling him? I would have just broken up with him because i think, i could be wrong here, but i think that is called SINGLE.
BECAUSE I never would have given two shits about who he was talking to, or texting, or spending time with if he had been keeping up with his relationship with ME. Because I am the one he came home to, because I am the one he called his spouse, because I was the one he was supposed to make a priority. Thats hard to do when you are spreading yourself around to every other "friend" you don't want your girlfriend to know. Why is that? That's some serious bullshit and i'm a complete dunce for ever falling for it. All that time I was spending alone, all those unanswered texts and calls because "his phone was in the car" even though it was always attached to his hand when he was with me....
Why did these same females think I was such a jealous bitch? Because he was telling them that? Maybe? Why would i have to ever snoop to find out what the hell was going on with him because he was distant and moody or outright nasty. Because every time i did start snooping (a LOT) it was instigated by his extreme mood shift with no trigger - and every time there was a new number that he was back and forth with connected to some chick he had "always been friends with".........pffft. another one? damnnnn.
And the lies. LOL I caught him in so many stupid, who gives a shit, lies. I take responsibility for my own stupid ass. I needed to learn. Apparently i am a slowwwww learner.
I never hid any of my friends, let alone male friends. I never got defensive about answering questions. I never felt i needed to lock down my facebook, or email or phone - it was all an open book to him. Maybe he would have found things he didn't appreciate, and that might have been up for discussion, and I would have adjusted for the good of our relationship. He just wanted it all. The single life, while being in a relationship with me. The middle of the fucking street.
Well i deserved and do deserve better. I deserve a relationship with someone who finds me enough, who will still love me as I age and change. Not "too much" as he would say and obviously wasn't true since he had so much time on his hands. Do i think he cheated on me? No i do not think he was having sex outside of our relationship but I know he liked the idea of being able to. I know he liked secrecy (the fact that i write about him pisses him off to no end and guess what? I don't give a shit any more) He likes the feeling of getting away with shit and thats not limited to just ME.
So there. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest. For all the women who were/are friends with him and knew he was keeping you a secret from his "jealous" girlfriend - or who never bothered to introduce you to me, or encouraged you to dislike me without ever knowing ME.....have fun with that. You deserved better too. And to his ex girlfriend that he works with who on the few occasions that she saw me gave me the shittiest stink eye.....wtf was your problem? Don't you wonder how a guy stays with someone for 13 years and calls you such a good friend doesn't even encourage a friendly relationship? In fact just the opposite, he encouraged hard feelings and conflict and you participated. Bitch. Please. You deserve your relationship with him. Every. last. bit. of it.
Some might not appreciate my blogging about my life experiences and thoughts and those people should make it a point not to return. Because my fucking gag has been removed with this break up and i have nothing to lose. I speak my truth and I do it loudly, and without apology. And thats how it should have been all along.
This hit home for me. It is why, in 13 years i have never felt secure - never felt that he was 100% in it with me. Because he wasn't. He has ALWAYS been in the middle of the god damned street. Or "one foot out the door" as i used to say. Same thing. He would get mad when i said this - but then he would get mad any time i said basically anything real so......
I was never a jealous woman. I find jealousy really stifling and unattractive having been the object of it in my marriage. Then came him, with all the "always been close to" them girlfriends that popped up YEARS into our relationship. Or all the randoms that he would just not tell me he was visiting - I call that lying by omission, he calls it none of my business. The texting, the calls, the omissions.......the outrageous anger that would shut down any questions i had. I can't fucking believe i stood for it. I still wonder how he would have felt if i had been visiting my male friends he didn't know or know anything about and just not ever telling him? I would have just broken up with him because i think, i could be wrong here, but i think that is called SINGLE.
BECAUSE I never would have given two shits about who he was talking to, or texting, or spending time with if he had been keeping up with his relationship with ME. Because I am the one he came home to, because I am the one he called his spouse, because I was the one he was supposed to make a priority. Thats hard to do when you are spreading yourself around to every other "friend" you don't want your girlfriend to know. Why is that? That's some serious bullshit and i'm a complete dunce for ever falling for it. All that time I was spending alone, all those unanswered texts and calls because "his phone was in the car" even though it was always attached to his hand when he was with me....
Why did these same females think I was such a jealous bitch? Because he was telling them that? Maybe? Why would i have to ever snoop to find out what the hell was going on with him because he was distant and moody or outright nasty. Because every time i did start snooping (a LOT) it was instigated by his extreme mood shift with no trigger - and every time there was a new number that he was back and forth with connected to some chick he had "always been friends with".........pffft. another one? damnnnn.
And the lies. LOL I caught him in so many stupid, who gives a shit, lies. I take responsibility for my own stupid ass. I needed to learn. Apparently i am a slowwwww learner.
I never hid any of my friends, let alone male friends. I never got defensive about answering questions. I never felt i needed to lock down my facebook, or email or phone - it was all an open book to him. Maybe he would have found things he didn't appreciate, and that might have been up for discussion, and I would have adjusted for the good of our relationship. He just wanted it all. The single life, while being in a relationship with me. The middle of the fucking street.
Well i deserved and do deserve better. I deserve a relationship with someone who finds me enough, who will still love me as I age and change. Not "too much" as he would say and obviously wasn't true since he had so much time on his hands. Do i think he cheated on me? No i do not think he was having sex outside of our relationship but I know he liked the idea of being able to. I know he liked secrecy (the fact that i write about him pisses him off to no end and guess what? I don't give a shit any more) He likes the feeling of getting away with shit and thats not limited to just ME.
So there. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest. For all the women who were/are friends with him and knew he was keeping you a secret from his "jealous" girlfriend - or who never bothered to introduce you to me, or encouraged you to dislike me without ever knowing ME.....have fun with that. You deserved better too. And to his ex girlfriend that he works with who on the few occasions that she saw me gave me the shittiest stink eye.....wtf was your problem? Don't you wonder how a guy stays with someone for 13 years and calls you such a good friend doesn't even encourage a friendly relationship? In fact just the opposite, he encouraged hard feelings and conflict and you participated. Bitch. Please. You deserve your relationship with him. Every. last. bit. of it.
Some might not appreciate my blogging about my life experiences and thoughts and those people should make it a point not to return. Because my fucking gag has been removed with this break up and i have nothing to lose. I speak my truth and I do it loudly, and without apology. And thats how it should have been all along.
Comments
Post a Comment