Youtube has a lot of "self help" videos, i've recently noticed. Well, i noticed as i was searching for "how to mend a broken heart" like a 16 year old. I'm not someone who likes pain, contrary to popular belief. I want to laugh. I want to feel happy. I want to feel lightness, and joy. So- this feeling of something squeezing my chest so i can't take deep breathes without starting to cry- THIS is not how i want to be feeling. My brain says "shut it down" my heart says "not a fuckin chance bitch". Thats why i'm searching for videos to tell me how to make the hurt stop. Give me directions on how people get through a break up from a long term relationship that they weren't ready for.
But truthfully. Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it. Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it. I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I didn't want to not see him every day, or hear him, or feel him. I kept hoping for the happy version of him and most times that is not what was coming home. And yet, I still did nothing. Oh, yeah i talked at him, I asked him for what i wanted and accepted that he didn't want the same. I was willing to let this go on indefinitely and as much as this hurts me (and he is also hurting I know) I am grateful that he was strong enough to say "enough". I never would have.
Along with feeling this loss I am surprised to recognize a feeling of curiosity - what will happen next? I've spent so much of my time waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be valued as a priority, as a partner that it almost feels good to shed it all and be "new" again. This is my clean slate. It was handed to me and i would be a fool to not appreciate it.
After my marriage ended I knew exactly what i did NOT want. During this relationship i have learned what I do want. If i hadn't learned anything from either of those long term (20 and 13 years) relationships I would say i'm a hopeless cause. Could i have learned the same lessons during brief and multiple relationships? I don't know. I don't think so though. I was a different person in both relationships in order to acclimate to their lives, their expectations of me. At 48 i'm still wondering what do i want to do with the rest of my life - I thought it was "be with him".......is that as lame as it looks in print?
This is my time. This is my year to figure out what MY life is, what i want it to be and where I'M taking it. Not someone else. Me. I'm not a grand person, my aspirations are not that exciting. I love home, and comfort and peace. I love deep conversations, i love to dream out loud. I love great big real hugs. I love watching people and eaves dropping. Can't help it, i'm nosy. Nosy about what makes people do what they do.......and so much more. It's safe to say i'm not looking to dive out of a plane or bungee jump, or have any death defying goals. I'm not an excitement junkie - i hate seeing people get hurt.
I'm told i need to make a list of the qualities i want in a relationship. Not so much a check off sheet but a reminder. I'm told it will change - because i will change. I've never been alone. I've been in a relationship my entire adult life with only a short time in between the two.
I was sad thinking this happened right before the holidays. But is there ever a good time to break up? I'm grateful for the friends that have wrapped themselves around me, so i don't loose any of the parts that have shattered. I'm grateful for my children who show their love for me in the way that they care for both our well being, him and I. It is a relief to know that my kids are grown, independent and happy. It is what i aspire to be.
This list, I must start it. And because it's this time of year i know one thing I will require: A man who knows how and wants to celebrate me and one that will allow me to celebrate him. I don't mean fancy gifts........i mean meaningful and purposeful shows of celebration of each other. (the two best gifts I ever received was a hand delivered home made valentine and a classic childrens book I had never read) I want to feel the excitement of knowing he is planning something and I want to be able to do the same and have him never take it for granted. I want to have fun at the holidays, like a child. I want to go see lights and get hot chocolate and watch the lighting of christmas trees. I want to shop together for other people. I want to participate in what the holidays mean for him, and me.
So. There's the first item on my list. The ability to celebrate each other.
But truthfully. Maybe i did see this coming and maybe i was ready for it. Not at that moment, and not IN that moment- but yes, I did know we weren't happy and doing nothing about fixing it. I had become comfortable in my discomfort. I didn't want to not see him every day, or hear him, or feel him. I kept hoping for the happy version of him and most times that is not what was coming home. And yet, I still did nothing. Oh, yeah i talked at him, I asked him for what i wanted and accepted that he didn't want the same. I was willing to let this go on indefinitely and as much as this hurts me (and he is also hurting I know) I am grateful that he was strong enough to say "enough". I never would have.
Along with feeling this loss I am surprised to recognize a feeling of curiosity - what will happen next? I've spent so much of my time waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be valued as a priority, as a partner that it almost feels good to shed it all and be "new" again. This is my clean slate. It was handed to me and i would be a fool to not appreciate it.
After my marriage ended I knew exactly what i did NOT want. During this relationship i have learned what I do want. If i hadn't learned anything from either of those long term (20 and 13 years) relationships I would say i'm a hopeless cause. Could i have learned the same lessons during brief and multiple relationships? I don't know. I don't think so though. I was a different person in both relationships in order to acclimate to their lives, their expectations of me. At 48 i'm still wondering what do i want to do with the rest of my life - I thought it was "be with him".......is that as lame as it looks in print?
This is my time. This is my year to figure out what MY life is, what i want it to be and where I'M taking it. Not someone else. Me. I'm not a grand person, my aspirations are not that exciting. I love home, and comfort and peace. I love deep conversations, i love to dream out loud. I love great big real hugs. I love watching people and eaves dropping. Can't help it, i'm nosy. Nosy about what makes people do what they do.......and so much more. It's safe to say i'm not looking to dive out of a plane or bungee jump, or have any death defying goals. I'm not an excitement junkie - i hate seeing people get hurt.
I'm told i need to make a list of the qualities i want in a relationship. Not so much a check off sheet but a reminder. I'm told it will change - because i will change. I've never been alone. I've been in a relationship my entire adult life with only a short time in between the two.
I was sad thinking this happened right before the holidays. But is there ever a good time to break up? I'm grateful for the friends that have wrapped themselves around me, so i don't loose any of the parts that have shattered. I'm grateful for my children who show their love for me in the way that they care for both our well being, him and I. It is a relief to know that my kids are grown, independent and happy. It is what i aspire to be.
This list, I must start it. And because it's this time of year i know one thing I will require: A man who knows how and wants to celebrate me and one that will allow me to celebrate him. I don't mean fancy gifts........i mean meaningful and purposeful shows of celebration of each other. (the two best gifts I ever received was a hand delivered home made valentine and a classic childrens book I had never read) I want to feel the excitement of knowing he is planning something and I want to be able to do the same and have him never take it for granted. I want to have fun at the holidays, like a child. I want to go see lights and get hot chocolate and watch the lighting of christmas trees. I want to shop together for other people. I want to participate in what the holidays mean for him, and me.
So. There's the first item on my list. The ability to celebrate each other.
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