Off my chest

Last night i tossed and turned and woke up from dreams that had me thinking in the middle of the night and that is NEVER a great sign that all is right in my world.

So here I am.

How is it, that when i'm looking for a partner the market is a barren waste land?  When i finally decide that this looking and dating and game playing is no longer fun and  quite a bit awful it's open season on hunters.

They always circle back.  Women who have done this online bullshit know this is true.  You get put into a cycle and eventually.....they.come.back....You have two choices.  You can entertain the bullshit or you can block them.  Lets face it, no self respecting woman wants to be circled back on after a guy has determined he can't do better than you or that you are just good enough to get him through till the next opportunity.

Ah, yes.  Jaded a small wee bit. 

Or just experienced and realistic.

When i moved, I decided it was a great time to make some small changes in my life and that the first one would be NO MORE DATING.  I'm all about making new friends, going out casually to get to know people and coming back home, alone, with no "i'm thinking about you" texts.  No expectations, no attempted awkward kissing - NO LOOKING.

And.......the flood begins.  The barren dessert of my dating choices has become a tropical forest.  Because i can't.  Because i won't.  Because i simply don't know how to choose a partner that is trustworthy and good for me.

When a beautiful tall man with a buttery accent shows an interest in me I think "huh, what the hell is wrong with him? or what does he want from me?" When he fills all the basic checks of grown up man taking care of his life and self...and he actively pursues me.....I think "Is this some kind of game because i'm new? Is there some kind of horrible bet on the table?"  (okay yes, i've determined i am officially jaded) I throw up all the road blocks. 

Is it normal to have a man want to know what book you are reading when you tell him you aren't going to meet him out because you are heading to bed with your book?  Is it normal for him to call you on his way out to see a band you both enjoy to tell you about the first book he bought and read as an adult?  Which....is a huge hook for me.  He's good.  To have a man tell me that friends is better than nothing and that he just wants to know me.

I stand firm in my decision. It's a curse for me that any man who tells me i'm beautiful, interesting - who asks me questions about what i THINK and how i FEEL about life and situations - who ANSWERS me with thoughtful and sometimes opposite opinions......why do i run?  Why do I not believe that this kind of man is good for me.

I'd rather stress over the ones who don't call, aren't reliable, don't have their act together - compliments are connected to ulterior motives and basically, just don't feel good to me.  I'm working SO HARD to love myself, to know i'm worthy, to know that the shitty relationships i held on to were because of my missing pieces....the role i need to repeat over and over again until I can see it, change it and heal myself.

Until then, I cannot choose partner.  Dating is a waste of time because to me - the goal has always been to find my ........soulmate.........urgh, yes i said that. 

Is it this fucking complicated for everyone?  Because seriously.  I've got other shit to do. 
And i'd like to sleep. 

let it go and maybe help someone else also

baby take my hand we'll be alright

It's been a while - I keep wanting to write a new entry and then i just don't.

So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so".

I'm moving.  An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it.  Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am.  I came full circle here, in the nest i created.  And now i'm going to leave it.  Ugh.  I must be crazy.

For so long I haven't known who I am.  Where do my likes start? My wants.  They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner.  I've always been afraid of being alone.  Wanting to make every decision with someone.  I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words.  Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do.

Years ago I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.  I started in high school so i could hang out near the boy i liked. (see???) I was an expert quitter.  I did it all the time, really well.  Finally one day I drove myself to a walk in clinic because i could not breathe.  I thought, well, here is when i find out i'm dying.  They made me breathe in a nebulizer  (however thats spelled) not once, but three times.  It's a machine  they add medicine to that you inhale through vapor....I was able to suck in a deep breath and not cough.  A breath so deep i was taking oxygen from my tippy toes.....and i did NOT cough..i could breath.  I thought....I want to feel this all the time.  THIS is what normal people breath like....

Even then, it took me a couple of months to prepare for the quitting.  I did what i needed to do and then finally one day I jumped.  I just stopped.

Anyone who tells you they quit smoking cold turkey and it was easy is a fucking liar.  It was pure and utter hell.  Now that i'm past it, i'm glad it was because i will NEVER put myself through that again.   I did it though, and i am proud of myself.  It took long enough, but i finally decided i wanted better.

Then, i went through some other major life changes and ended up moving out of the first place i had ever felt like home, in a town i felt like home, around friends that made me feel like family.  My life pretty much imploded and i felt a complete loss of control on top of some heartbreak.

I'm here to tell you, you get over heartbreak.  You don't think you will.  But you do.  Because time happens and life happens and ....because it's not meant to be a permanent condition.   It hurts and it hurts a lot, because you are meant to want better....

So i moved in with my bestie, i'm not sure if i was given a choice. I rented a room in her home with her family and i was never alone.  I went through the stages.  I was depressed, angry, sad..all of the things but most importantly.....directionless.  I didn't know my life.  I wanted to recognize myself, my life, my future.  The first thing i did was date like a crazy woman.  I feel like I blew through dates like a bowling ball striking down pins.  I was on a mission to find my partner but....i didn't even know myself without one.

Which set me up for falling for the first smiling face that treated me kindly and wanted to be around me, talk to me, listen to me talk.....and kiss me.  I fell for the feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted........and it never occurred to me that he could not possibly do any of those things because I did not even know myself.  How could he?

I had another lesson to learn, and this time I didn't take months to figure it out.  I realized it and faced it head on.  We parted ways.

You think i learned don't you?  Hahaha

I went straight back to bowling.  No, i did not say balling.  In that i was selective.  Thank you goddess.

I dated some nice men.  I made it my mission to date only happy, friendly, outgoing males......no more moody mother fuckers.  And i must say- happy guys are a hell of a lot more fun.  I just couldn't feel that connection beyond enjoying their company as friends.  "that" feeling of wanting to partner up just hasn't happened.

So finally i stopped.  Honestly I became interested in someone who was not available to me.

Here's my turning point when i started to question my own wants, what are they?

I want to breathe...take a huge suck of oxygen down to my tippy toes and not have it choke me.  I want to feel the way normal people feel.

Life happens when you aren't paying attention, it's so true.  I've been making decisions and tough choices all by MYSELF.  I've been taking care of what needs taking care of. Improving my life, taking part in it..........choosing what i want to do, or not.  I've found a creative streak that i'm giving some attention to, and tomorrow i have my first evaluation at the new job i started 6 months ago.  The job i pursued, and got because i made the decision to go for it.  Not because i was forced.

Now i'm moving into a bigger place and i'm healthier financially than i ever have been.  I'm not stopping, i'm just getting started.  I guess i've always had to chew on things for a while before i let someone else decide if i was going to do it or not.  Now, i don't have either problem standing in my way.

It feels so good to feel normal.  Don't worry, i'm totally not.  Never will be.  But at least i can breathe.

Married Men and i have a potty mouth i know it

This is what happens....i get peaceful, and relatively happy and i think "let me take a look" and i join a dating site.  I'm instantly reminded of why i closed accounts in the past.   But, how else to go about it?

Now..i've met some nice men.  I've even made some of them good friends.  Without those sites, i would have missed out on a lot of laughs and different perspectives.  Friendship with the opposite sex, especially new friendship when you are both single...it's important.  You learn a lot about yourself.  But that's not what this blog is about...

This is about mother fucking married men who join dating sites and represent themselves as single.

And WASTE MY TIME.

Here's a thought.  How about instead of trying to pick up women who don't mind fucking a taken man..(theres another blog)..how about you put that energy into your wife?  And if she isn't into it....why are you still married?  Divorce takes a lot of energy.  Focus on fixing your shit and then you can find a good woman who will treat you right.  ah, but you don't want that.  And you think I DO?  Fuck off Cheater.

Or bottom feed and bitch and moan about your current woman to your NEXT dumb ass woman.

I'm mad.  No.  I'm seeing red.  I'll be over it by tomorrow.  But right NOW i'm pissed off and disgusted.

breathe....

Like i said, i've met nice men, no, wonderful, kind, sexy, funny men....who just weren't right for me.  I've grown wise enough to know that no matter how hard i could try, if it isn't going to work....it isn't going to work.  Liking someone isn't enough for the long haul.

I'm starting to think i'm asking for too much.....but hell, i'm not even ASKING for anything.

I want a man who isn't going to be lodged up my ass 24/7, who trusts me to have some things in my life that he is not the center off, that he knows when i love a man i am with THAT man and ONLY that man....because that is what a relationship is to me.  We are still separate people, that enjoy activities the other may not be interested in.  I like to read, research, write...thats not a couple activity.  I shouldn't have to give up a part of me to make him feel safe.  Or vice versa.  BUT I do want to share a life.

Is that impossible?

I want to have friends, family and US in common.  I want to do things together, like travel, camp, learn, experience....build.  a life.  together.   I want to talk into the night by the fire. or not talk.  I want to get excited about plans we are making together.  I want to argue about politics like two people who respect each others opinion, if not always agree. I want to feel protected and safe, and for him to feel relieved and relaxed with me.  I'm safe haven, so is he.  I look forward to him, can't live long without hearing or seeing him......and he feels that way about me.

But i can still go to my besties house and drink too much and stay over and it's ok.  He doesn't think i'm with another man.  Or Worse, he doesn't not give a shit where i am.    I've had both versions.  Neither is what any woman needs.  She needs "stay, have fun" or "do you want me to come pick your drunk ass up?"  see?  It's confidence and want....not control or disregard.

OR he wants to go on a guys trip, where they do man things - you know what i do?  I pack his bags.  and tell him to have fun.  I miss him while he's gone and I'm happy when i get to see him again.  It wouldn't matter if he was going to the middle of nowhere or to a Harley Rendezvous.....because i would be able to TRUST him.  No questions asked.

I have never had that.  I want that.  I won't be in a relationship withOUT that.

I tell myself on the daily, men go after what they want.  Its true.  They do.  And if he's the kind that doesn't.....he's not for me. I'm strong, he needs to be strong.  I can't be with a man that gets his feelings hurt easy or has low self worth because i bust ass, and yes, i can take having my ass handed to me back. I speak my truth and it's not always polished up pretty. I like to have fun, i tease, i laugh, i am goofy sometimes........and others, i am a block of ice.  I've learned not to waste my fire on a man who doesn't deserve it.  I used to fight, cry, care too much.  I've learned that a man will do what a man will do, and you either accept it or not.  Fighting doesn't change a damn thing.  So now i let him show me who he is.

And they always do show you who they are.  Let them.  And believe it.

I will wait for you there, alone

I tried to write a blog entry about all the bullshit that has been going on since your death Heather. 

First i lost internet connection and it didn't save.

Then, i hit the wrong key and everything disappeared and i couldn't get it back.

I get it.  I'm listening. 

I'm letting it go. 

Thank you.

Sometimes i hold on too long and too tight, but you helped me let go.  So thank you for that too.

You were right, my life is better and i am different and i do deserve more.  So did you. 

I didn't appreciate you for so long, but i'm grateful we connected during these last few years.  I wish i had loved you longer.

Day 6

Down 7 pounds, haven’t had ANY acid indigestion since I started AND I put on a ring that didn’t fit less than a week ago.

So.  Totally worth it.

I don’t have to think about food all day, when can I have it, what can I have, how MUCH can I have?  I don’t have to plan today what I want to eat 5 days from now, like another weight loss plan I tried and just couldn’t stick with.

 

I don’t have an addiction to food that I’ve heard others talk about.  I thought I might, but what I have is actually pure laziness.  Also, at times I allow myself to get so hungry that I just start eating whatever is in sight, or easiest- like that drive thru poison.  That’s part of what makes me so frustrated, I KNOW BETTER.  I just don’t take proper care of myself.

 

Didn’t. 

 

Am I excited that I’m down?  Hell yeah.  Do I feel more energy, yes indeed.  And when I’m tired I’m TIRED tired……..which I know makes sense to a lot of you.

 

I had an “OSV” off scale victory - ?  I think that’s what it’s called- Sunday was a rollercoaster of emotions day, and it reached peak when I found out a friend to me had passed unexpectedly.  She was quite a bit younger than I, and I had just spoken with her a few weeks ago.  I knew one part of her, the kind, animal loving, free spirited hippie part.  I didn’t always appreciate her, especially when I first met her.  But something about her resonated with me, and we developed a relationship outside of the people we knew in common, and history.  She was very wise for her age, but prone to the same faults the rest of us fight- addiction, stress, etc.

 

When I had to share this information with someone I knew loved her dearly, but had cut ties for valid reasons years ago, I was overwhelmed with sorrow for both of them………the keening of my dear friends shock and disbelief left me emotionally raw.  So much pain, all the way around.  It’s what happen when a SISTER leaves us………no matter how long it’s been since our eyes have met. 

 

Last week, I would have cracked open a bottle of wine and had a nice big glass- maybe the whole bottle.  I would have felt justified, and yes, it would have helped numb my soul.  But I didn’t.  For one reason, I had made sure to empty my house out of all items that might tempt me.  Another reason is that- I have to take care of myself.  Sorrow is not an excuse to stop.

If anything, it’s a reason to continue.  When someone so young passes not only do I feel my own mortality, but I feel a responsibility to appreciate the life that I have, because I still have time to change what needs changing.  I still have time to say all the things.

 

 

Day 2

Day 2

Life without sugar and carbs is painful.  Literally. I am not craving ANYTHING as much as sleep, and a release from this crappy feeling. I had hoped because I wasn’t a huge sugar eater in the first place that the withdrawals would be pretty light.

I was wrong.

I’m drinking water like crazy- and forcing myself to eat every 2-3 hours.  I weighed myself the day before I started this- Wednesday morning- and swallowed hard when I was faced with what I need to lose.  Will lose. Then I went out dancing and drank a beer to celebrate not drinking any more beer for a while. That same day I hit over 11,000 steps on my fitbit which I haven’t done since I started wearing one a couple years ago. 

Yay me.

Today I weighed myself again because, well, I work in a hospital and the temptation was too great.  I did it three times because I thought the scale was out of wack.  I’d down 3 pounds?  Since Wednesday morning?  I’m using the same scale so……….i really have to stop doing that.  It’s not about the weight. (hell yes it is) It’s about how I feel (which right now is pretty shitty) and how I look in my clothes (which I will have to buy all over again)

 

Welcome to diet mind.  But this really isn’t a diet.  It’s a way of getting my weight down quickly so I can see results and not damage myself when I’m exercising.  It’s a way of staying motivated, of relearning that food is just food, it’s not a crutch.  Last night I ate a cup and a half of broccoli with 1 tsp of butter, 1 tsp of garlic parsley seasoning nd two boca burger patties (vegetarian).  Also, can’t forget a huge glass of water.

It was better than I thought it was gonna be.  I don’t want to talk about food so much as the emotional and mental experience of finally realizing that what I was doing wasn’t working, and wasn’t going to magically start working.  I’ve made the investment, I have the support and my mind is right. 

 

I checked in at physical therapy last night and automatically took a single lifesaver because they were there.  I opened it, started to put it in my mouth and realized “oh shit, I can’t have this” – no pockets, don’t see a garbage can, think “it won’t matter” for a hot second and then tucked it into my bra.  Later that night when I was getting ready for bed it flew across the room as I ripped off the *&^* bra and I got a good giggle.  The lifesaver doesn’t matter.  The fact that I didn’t make an excuse, that I changed my mind about it mattering……….THAT is what matters.

That is going to be what makes me successful and keeps me at a good place when I reach goal.  Using food, and alcohol to soothe hurt feelings and bad days is no longer an option.  Time to figure it out.

 

If you read this and you feel it, I love you for feeling it.  It’s not easy, but it’s not hard either.  It’s a choice.

 

Because i'm big

Another blog filled with TMI you've been warned. 

I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a glass of wine and brownies baking in the oven.  This is a kind of "going away" party that i'm giving myself.  Wine and brownies won't be passing through these lips for a very long time, if ever again.  okay, not for a very long time.

For the past 3 years i have struggled with my weight.  First, i quit smoking, then had an injury, then went through a painful breakup.  Add being miserable at work ...and feeling like my life was flying by and I was not doing what i should be, that there was..more.  I made mistakes.  I fixed them.  And i ate.  I found that i enjoy wine, so i drank.  And ate.  And bought bigger clothes

I firmly believe that it was my weight that made my ex cheat and finally break up with me.  Thank you weight.  I believe it was my weight that caused a short term boyfriend to not want sex, ever, causing me to break up with him.  Again, thank you weight.  Do you think either wanted to go for walks with me, go kayaking, do ANYTHING besides pass judgement?  I was with the wrong men.

It took me a while to get here.  To this place of accepting and loving myself, regardless of the size of my jeans.  It has been a recent arrival.  I've felt ashamed, embarrassed, unattractive, for years. Honestly even when i was skinny i didn't feel good enough to be treated well.  I did not love myself unconditionally and i blamed everything but, myself. I packed on the uncomfortable pounds. I did that.

Extra weight isn't good for anyone.  I'm in pain most of the time, and it's gotten to the point i can't ignore it.  my joints hurts.  I recently joined a challenge of doing 50 sit ups a day and i had to modify it because i couldn't do ONE.  I know there are skinny people who probably cant do one either but i bet they don't actually damage themselves trying. 

I loved yoga when i was skinny.  It was good for me mentally and physically.  When i tried to go back a few years ago my fat ass couldn't figure out how to move anymore.  So i quit.  Now i do yoga stretches when no one is looking and pray i don't break something.

I used to walk.  Not New York City breaka yo face walk.....but walk walk.  I enjoyed "going for a walk" or a hike up a trail to a Mountain top.  I enjoyed it for the sake of doing it, not because it was good exercise. I used to line dance years ago.  The last time i tried i was so confused in this body, and how to move it.......so i quit. 

I moved into my place, the one i go home to alone, in September of 2018 and i've had 9 months to get to know "myself".  I have given birth to me. kinda.  And with that, is a responsibility to take care of myself.  Because i have learned that i'm lovable. Not perfect, not always nice, sometimes a little daft, always a little goofy, and worth loving.  Exactly how i am.

So of course i'm gonna change.

First, I look in the mirror in the morning just out of the shower and i appreciate how i got here.  I see my stretch marks from pregnancy, i see my breasts that fed two babies, I see the extra cushion where i don't need it- and i understand why it's there now.  Sometimes mental pain does manifest itself on our body. But i don't have mental pain anymore.

So i'm back to a physical therapist to uncrunk me.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I'm taking a "hanna somatic" class after pt so i can learn how my body is supposed to work.  If you are interested, google it.  She is healing me, so i'm a believer.  As my body gets realigned i can exercise it more.  pamper it with sweat and physical love.  It's not a punishment, it's a privilege.  I know this because not being able to move correctly has brought that lesson home to me.

And i am no longer lying to myself that "eating right" will get me to where i need to be.  I have signed on with a coach, and a program, to lose these pounds.  I'm making myself the priority. I can't believe i didn't talk myself out of it. There was a moment of hesitation and i went for it.  i'm going to do this the way i quit smoking....cold turkey.  It's my JOB now. I know that there will be adjustment, that it will be uncomfortable and that i will curse myself.  But i will not quit.  I am going back to the body i feel good in.  And i'm staying there.

I'm doing this because i want to feel good.  I want to look good, yes, but look....in all honestly my fat saved me from a couple of pricks.  It served me well. So I thank you thick thighs and rounded stomach.....but i don't need you anymore.

So this blog has turned into a diet journey, and there will be swearing.  In case you wondered.

There may be pictures.

and hell, help me if you can.  Leave me comments.  Let me know you exist.

Long and winding road

Here's one of my "trying to figure out what the hell is in my head" blogs.....you are welcome to try and follow it.  Maybe you will have more luck than me.

I don't feel good.  Been having stomach problems for a while now, and last night i came home completely drained, unable to stop falling asleep and feeling like i had been drugged.  I was supposed to go to the Buddhist temple where i've been joining a group of people to meditate.  Couldn't do it. So i lay in bed, in and out of sleep, watching stupid youtube videos in between and finding the strangest things hilarious.  Finally, i assume, real sleep hit me and i tossed and turned all night until my phone binged me repeatedly early this morning.  I've joined a challenge to do 50 situps a day.....because i haven't done a situp since elementary school when they MADE us. 

Do i need to say that i can't do one?  not one.  So he (my badass friend) gave me a different move to do, to strengthen my core so that eventually i can join the world of situps.  Now my muscles AND my gut are screaming at me that i'm a horrible bitch and to cut that shit out.  I knew i'd swear doing the thing i hate most, causing myself physical discomfort, however i did not expect a flood of tears.

So now i'm pissed about that too.  Know what?  I'm gonna keep doing it till it doesn't hurt anymore and i can do 50 FUCKING SITUPS in one shot. 

Too much nonsense cluttering up my brain.  Too much extra body filling up my clothes.  I de-cluttered my home, and i think it was a sort of procrastination to deal with my SELF.  Anyway, it needed to be done and it has been.  Now.....where is that mirror?  Ah. 

So my delirious brain had some screwy dreams this morning.  Does anyone else dream about people in their past and have it hurt like it happened yesterday?  Please.  I hope so.  I don't want to be alone in that.

Dream: it's christmas and i'm in my childhood home, but with my kids and my ex's family. I'm with them, his sister and her husband, his parents, his family.....the whole bunch of them.  But not him.  And i'm waiting for him, wondering where he is? Now i'm going to bed in my old bedroom, and so is everyone else and i'm trying to get into one of the two bathrooms..i realize he is home, downstairs and i call him (?) and he tells me it's late and he can't be on the phone with me all night.  I tell him okay i love him and wait for him to say it too but he hangs up.  I go into the kitchen (still in my childhood home) and he is there, dressed in a suit.  I ask him where was he?  why did he leave me alone?  I know he's been somewhere else, more important.  I'm heartbroken.

I wake up crying.  And then i proceed to get ....pissed.  of course.  I'm always me, that much you can depend on.  When i feel hurt, i respond with anger.  I'm working on it.

So you know when you have an emotional dream in the morning it sets the tone for your day?  Here i am, a day off from work, feeling like yuck and feeling like an emotional bomb.  It's not even 9am.

I think i bring a lot of this shit on myself.    I don't know how NOT to. 

Recently a man i'm talking to told me i'm a man hater.  Here, i was thinking i was liking men a bit too much for my own good.  So it's interesting to me....am i?  Or have i just had hateful experiences with a few men? 

I want a partner.  I've said that before, conjured that before, wished for it.....but something isn't clicking.  Am i a man hater?  huh. 

I call my experiences lessons but maybe i'm carrying those lessons as baggage.  Maybe when i meet a new man i'm not giving it a fair shot.  OR maybe they aren't worth a fair shot because of the games a lot of them play. I don't know, and i get tired thinking about it.  Takes all the fun out of it.

I have a lot to keep my occupied, and yet, this man need.  Is there a pill for this condition? 

You knew it was coming

WE all know that every time I learn a new lesson I have to blog about it.  My kids shouldn’t read this particular blog………fair warning it’s TMI for many but especially you. 

I want a relationship.  The whole relationship, the complete package – the kind that takes time to grow into.  I enjoy sex as much as anyone, maybe even more than a lot.  But that’s only a piece, as important as it is.

My desired relationship starts with being interested in someone, having it be reciprocal and being asked on a date- remember those?  When the man interested in you would ask you to do an activity with him that didn’t involve “hanging out” or begin and end in his or your home?  Remember when Men would treat you like a woman worth getting to know?  With your clothes on?

Am I old fashioned or just attracting the wrong men……(make sure to answer this question MB.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve participated in the less than satisfying behavior due to wanting (needing?) male contact.  I have a FWB situation (Not THAT old fashioned apparently) with a friend who has always been there for me, who does not want me to date anyone else BUT will not allow me to take his picture with me……..who says the relationship means more to him than FWB however has never said a word to his friends or family that he is even seeing someone.  It’s an invisible relationship.  At this point in my life I don’t feel like I should have to be invisible. Or settle for only part of what I want. 

I’m patient.  I have a full life. I can have a full relationship with a man. I can wait for what I want.

I’m okay alone, without the complications of sex.  The complications being me catching feelings that aren’t appropriate or good for me or for my own growth and happiness.  I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about “his” feelings in any relationship I’ve been in and fortunately i’ve learned that “he” can take care of his own feelings. I need to protect my own.

Back to the date.  These guys act like they have to spend money to get a good woman and they say things like they can’t afford to take a woman out.

HERE is why you can’t afford to take a woman out:  you aren’t trying to date just one woman.  You aren’t making an investment in a potential life partner.  You are trying to chase the excitement of getting laid by as many women as possible as if you were 16 years old and had the rest of your life ahead of you.   Unless you are a millionaire, this playboy attitude of yours isn’t going to be so cute when you are 60.  And the attitude that supports this lifestyle, this belief that women are disposable, isn’t going to change when you stop being healthy, and somewhat attractive.  Women worth having don’t sign up to take care of tired old assholes………they stay with the ones that aged with them. 

Now that I have some experience there are two things I know for sure.  A man will say and act in any way you need to get you into bed. Also, a man would rather chew off his left arm than tell you that was all he wanted.  Some will go so far as to try making YOU feel bad for pointing it out.   A man who cares about your feelings will never discount them, however unreasonable he may feel they are.  A man who was only masquerading as someone looking for a relationship will use your pointing it out as a reason to make you feel bad. 

This is not original behavior but it works to make many women who have been used to feel like they are wrong, and it was somehow their own fault.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to develop a relationship through spending non sex related time together. There is nothing wrong with wanting to exchange stories, dreams and goals with someone you want to build a relationship with.  The only time its “wrong” is when you are with a man who is only representing himself as wanting these things too.  To get into your bed. 

Look, I have nothing but respect for a man who just wants sex with no attachment and SAYS THAT.  To me, that is his right to live his life as he sees fit and he’s not trying to manipulate me.  Honesty goes such a long way.  Does it work to get me into bed?  On occasion, it has.  Yes.  Has it ever turned into a relationship?  Nope.  Was I thinking it would? Nope. Does everyone walk away happy?  Yep. 

Do I feel ashamed of my own sexuality?  No.  I’m a living breathing woman who values the joy and fun of adult life.  That’s not up for anyone’s approval.  However, it’s not joyful with a stranger, it’s not the whole package.

I am curious, goofy, fun, intelligent, adventurous (but afraid), loving, affectionate, doting, protective, loyal, I will get along with your family, your friends, I am comfortable in just about any situation and I have good hygiene to boot!  I will make you smile when you are sad, I will make you laugh when you think you can’t.  I will take care of you when you need help.  I will find your backbone when you can’t.  I will stand beside you, hold you up, and lay you down.  I am worth the time to know.  I am worth being treated well, and by that I mean with respect, care and honesty.

 I have and will kick your ass to the curb faster than you can complete your ugly sentiment.  I’ve dated all the wrong men……..i’ve heard it all before and I know what the motivation is. I know your kind is based in ego.  Here’s the thing, I learn very fast.  I can complete your very tired insults.  You are not original and you are not the only choice.  I’m sorry you think so, but no, I’m not sorry.

What I AM sorry about is that your sex was good, but still has you attached to it. 

And I deserve so much more. 

Too, too....too

My problem is my inability to ignore double standards. 

Or inconsistencies.

Call me pragmatic.

Or surly.

It doesn’t matter what label is placed on it, the fact remains that I am unable to NOT address unrealistic expectations, or standards that are not held up for all involved to meet.

This feeling applies to the workplace, religious organizations, private memberships to clubs or groups, and on a much more intimate level, personal relationships.

Everyone should be meeting on a level playing field, where the rules apply to all.  Rules change, and when they do…………they should apply to all. 

Rules to me being a standard of behavior.

“you are not going to win this battle by fighting it”……….TED Sincerely X podcast, episode 7: mood changer – I highly recommend listening to this episode if you currently or have ever struggled with Depression, which I have and sometimes still do if not dealt with.

Sometimes I think my depression is a reaction to the loss of control I feel, or the feeling of being ineffective in playing “the” game……….i’m too basic in my ideology, too blunt in my speech, too, too, too.

Is it me that needs to change and adapt?  Haven’t I always?  And how’s that worked out for you MB? 

Shred it, and begin again

My apartment is very small.  When my friends and family moved me in September I had no room to walk.  We piled everything I had been dragging around with me since I was 16, along with everything I felt I needed into this small, one-bedroom apartment. 

I left a lot behind.  I had cleared out so much before I had even moved.  More than once.

My first “cleanse” began when I moved out of the small house I loved so much.  I threw a lot away, I left all the furniture and half the kitchen items…I tried to be fair.  And realistic.  Of course, I got fucked.  He moved in with his new girl not a month after I moved out and everything got thrown away with the acceptation of the one thing I said I wanted, which migrated it’s way over to the new woman’s home.

But it was okay.  For a year I didn’t need anything, having all the necessities and small luxuries provided by my best friend and her family as I licked my wounds, healed my soul and learned what a NORMAL family lives like.  I grew strong, I dated.  A lot.  I was picky, to the point that my friends would tell me there is no such thing as a perfect man.  But, perfect for me, I was sure of.

And then, I met him.  Smiley, handsome, not cocky but sure of himself.  A manly man, who owned his own home and had held his job for many years.  It went fast, the next thing I knew I was moving my “stuff” into his attic. 

That didn’t work out.

Side note:  I have never dated a man who smoked a lot of pot and had ANY ambition.  All of them, have only ever gone for the low hanging fruit (and yes, I realize I was a piece of that fruit).  All of them want the world but will only go so far as the pot will allow them. Then they bitch and complain about everything they don’t have but they are the only ones holding themselves back.  “I have to stop smoking? Oh, noooo”  Their whole world revolves around it.  And because of this, their worlds are small and unsatisfying.

For many reasons I realized I needed to be on my own.  So again, I weeded (no pun intended) out everything I hadn’t needed or thought about in the past year of living at that house.  I was merciless and yet I still moved truck loads and truck loads of “stuff”…..this time I was smart enough to bring the furniture I had purchased, although I left a lot behind. (which I am still paying for incidentally)

Every year I don’t make a resolution, but I try to improve myself somehow.  This year is the year of getting rid of anything that holds me back, or has control over me.  So far, I’ve gotten coffee down to one cup a day (occasionally two) and eventually it will be zero.  My world will not end if I can’t have a coffee.  That is huge for me, who at one time drank 6-8 cups a day.

Likewise, my stuff had control over my space when I moved in.  I had nowhere for all of it.  I kept going through and getting rid of items, layer by layer.  It’s not something that happens once and done.  It is a continuous participation of purposeful living.  It’s my first year so I fall sometimes…….and then I get right back up.

Last night I was determined, in a mood, pissed off about my debt paying for items someone else is using – (I am grappling with the fact that my most recent ex has moved someone in less than six months after I moved out.  There is a lesson there. ) and I started to go through drawers I had stuffed with paperwork and mementos when I unpacked.  Old cards, notes, emails..pictures from a relationship that was dead and buried over two years ago. 

So I decided that it was time to let it all go – to make space in my drawers, in my home, in my mind and soul.  I was ruthless.  I all went to the shredder first thing this morning.  

Honestly, I feel a small sting of regret.  That I just destroyed years of items that held meaning …but I remind myself that I have my memories, that I don’t ever actually look at that stuff, that having it was a sense of holding on to something that is gone.  I’m making room for what is next.

I will not allow things, possessions, to hold power over me anymore.

This year, I simplify.  I minimize.  I do not purchase, collect or add weight to my life with “stuff”.  This year I have already made several passes at the items I still have and each time I am able to find more that can be given or thrown away.

It’s a movement.  And it’s one I can stand behind because I’ve felt the improvement in my life.

It’s the people in my life that matter, and as I’m cleaning house I realize I need to do it at many levels.  Things will not hold space in my physical life, and people who do not deserve it will not hold space in my heart.  I will have my experiences, learn my lessons and move on with an open heart to new heights. 

Ain’t nothing holding THIS woman back.

a love letter to me

Your best friend passed yesterday and I’m going to blame the pain you are in for the phone call and texts I got from you this morning.

But I never expected to feel that feeling in my gut again.  That angry man, blaming me for some misfortune in his life feeling. 

“Someone” didn’t clean out your dresser drawers, I did.  I cleaned your whole house, with your blessing, hell AT YOUR REQUEST if you want to be honest.  I only did what you gave me license to do and I asked for your participation which you wanted nothing to do with.  So now, every time you can’t find something apparently it will be my fault.

Rethink that.  Seriously.  Because right now while I feel for the pain you are in the middle of, I am enraged and hurt that you would speak to me like that.  I feel sick to my stomach and I’d rather do anything than go home tonight. I feel like crying and I don’t know if it’s because I’m hurt or because you are showing yourself to be like everyone else.

We never talk on the phone and the one time you call me you hang up on me after making you not being able to find your keys my fault?

That’s bullshit.  That’s drama.  That’s something I’m not down for.

I’m not here to teach you how to treat me.  I’m not going to.  I’ll just leave if you don’t know how.  I promised myself no matter how far in I am, I will never waste another day with an asshole.

So don’t be an asshole.

Names i've been called

When i was in the second grade my Teacher, Mrs. Friedman, called me "Bold".  I remember her face while she said this but not why.  It was not a compliment or meant to encourage.  Without knowing exactly what this meant, I felt the sting.

To this day i can't imagine what quiet, scared - fade into the background MB ever could have said or done to be considered "Bold".  I was a shadow girl, never looking to be the center of attention, always afraid of what someone might think of me.

As a grown woman, I own my boldness.  I glory in its presence.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "Clutzy" "Chubby" "Awkward" by my mother as i was growing up.  Never "capable" for getting myself ready for school every morning during elementary school with no parent there to assist,  "smart" for reading and understanding everything i could lay my hands on, or  "beautiful"........because i was a child who needed her mother to think so.

As a grown woman I am "not athletic", "soft and curvy", and "introverted".  This is who I am, and I own it.  I glory in the truth of how I am me.  Welcome, and may you never leave my side.

I've been called "bitch" by men who were weak and threatened by my ability to see through their bullshit.  "Fucking Bitch" by the same men, who could not control me any longer.

I am a bitch.  I will continue to be a bitch, hopefully a  bigger and better bitch every day.

Recently, I've been called "Surly" and "passive aggressive" by a man at work who does not actually work with me.  I had previously held respect for this man, until his name calling made me realize his weakness, and his own inability to lead.  How enlightening, and disappointing coming an educated man.

I am "assertive" and "not afraid of conflict", which means, i will not sit silently by and be maligned.  Period.  Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, at home, in public and at work.  I was scared by them as a child, but I am no longer a child.  I am a grown woman.

I do not accept abuse quietly.  Never. Again.  Welcome, strong, opinionated and sometimes wrong woman.  May you never leave my side.

I've been called "cunt", "asshole", "Fat", "stupid", "crazy"........to my face.  I'm sure i've been called more behind my back.  I've earned a few, i've been unjustly accused of others.....I do not accept any as a self identifying characteristic.

I am a grown woman, who loves hard, who is afraid of trusting, who works hard, who is afraid of not being appreciated, who loves alone time, who is afraid of being alone.  I am lazy, yet driven.  I am many many things and I am not defined by what others call me.

I am Maribeth.  Welcome, may you never leave my side.

New Year New Me....LOL

Will there ever be a time of 100% satisfaction with my life?  If i'm happy with work, my personal life seems lacking.  When my personal life is full and happy, Work is giving me issues.  Is this just the way we go?  Always looking for the next situation that needs improving or expansion?

I'm doing the thing that I always thought would be the worst.  Living alone.  The thought always filled me with sadness, a certain desperation that anything would be better than being alone.  And then one day i realized i craved it, instead of fearing it.  I finally started learning instead of trying to assert my will on people to be what i needed and wanted them to be.  I started being the person i need most.  It hasn't been easy.  I'm a tough customer. 

In realizing that I needed to have my own space, where i answered to no-one but myself (and the landlord, bill collectors and employer) I literally felt a deep sadness in me release.  No more laying my needs at the feet of others to fulfill.  No more expectations of my happiness coming from another persons need of me, love of me, wanting of me.  I stood up and took it on, finally.  For so long others have been my backbone and my measure of self worth.  Not all have been worthy themselves, to hold this much power over my vision of self.  I made poor choices and good ones.  I learned hard lessons and grew solid and dependable relationships.  I learned that physically living alone in my own space does not mean being alone.  Early on I learned how living with someone can be the loneliest experience in life but i was missing the obvious other side to that truth; that living alone can be the fullest and most satisfying experience to have.

My space.  Only myself (and Miyagi) to consider.  Do i want a comfy reading chair in the kitchen?  Yes.  Yes i do.  Do i want fragile items in high traffic areas?  yes.  White fur (fake), flowers, all the colors of the rainbow and mismatched furniture and decorations that make perfect sense to me?  yes.  My own style of clutter and everything having its place.  My living space represents what is in my head, and heart.  It represents the small storm of chaos that still takes place in my mind, probably always will.  Because, that is who i am and how i live. 

I have no control over my dreams, so i flow with them now.  I no longer wake and become upset over what my mind seems to need to replay for me over and over....what message am i giving myself?  What am i supposed to be understanding?  The full moon corresponds with my dreams....leaving me a witness to them not a participant.  Why is he here with me, again?  Or any of the "he's" that have covered my past?  What message am i to understand now?

So much turbulence in my life and yet, never have i felt such calmness, peace.  Everything will happen as it should as long as i participate in the process.  my process. I am doing it, will continue to do it.