Last night i tossed and turned and woke up from dreams that had me thinking in the middle of the night and that is NEVER a great sign that all is right in my world.
So here I am.
How is it, that when i'm looking for a partner the market is a barren waste land? When i finally decide that this looking and dating and game playing is no longer fun and quite a bit awful it's open season on hunters.
They always circle back. Women who have done this online bullshit know this is true. You get put into a cycle and eventually.....they.come.back....You have two choices. You can entertain the bullshit or you can block them. Lets face it, no self respecting woman wants to be circled back on after a guy has determined he can't do better than you or that you are just good enough to get him through till the next opportunity.
Ah, yes. Jaded a small wee bit.
Or just experienced and realistic.
When i moved, I decided it was a great time to make some small changes in my life and that the first one would be NO MORE DATING. I'm all about making new friends, going out casually to get to know people and coming back home, alone, with no "i'm thinking about you" texts. No expectations, no attempted awkward kissing - NO LOOKING.
And.......the flood begins. The barren dessert of my dating choices has become a tropical forest. Because i can't. Because i won't. Because i simply don't know how to choose a partner that is trustworthy and good for me.
When a beautiful tall man with a buttery accent shows an interest in me I think "huh, what the hell is wrong with him? or what does he want from me?" When he fills all the basic checks of grown up man taking care of his life and self...and he actively pursues me.....I think "Is this some kind of game because i'm new? Is there some kind of horrible bet on the table?" (okay yes, i've determined i am officially jaded) I throw up all the road blocks.
Is it normal to have a man want to know what book you are reading when you tell him you aren't going to meet him out because you are heading to bed with your book? Is it normal for him to call you on his way out to see a band you both enjoy to tell you about the first book he bought and read as an adult? Which....is a huge hook for me. He's good. To have a man tell me that friends is better than nothing and that he just wants to know me.
I stand firm in my decision. It's a curse for me that any man who tells me i'm beautiful, interesting - who asks me questions about what i THINK and how i FEEL about life and situations - who ANSWERS me with thoughtful and sometimes opposite opinions......why do i run? Why do I not believe that this kind of man is good for me.
I'd rather stress over the ones who don't call, aren't reliable, don't have their act together - compliments are connected to ulterior motives and basically, just don't feel good to me. I'm working SO HARD to love myself, to know i'm worthy, to know that the shitty relationships i held on to were because of my missing pieces....the role i need to repeat over and over again until I can see it, change it and heal myself.
Until then, I cannot choose partner. Dating is a waste of time because to me - the goal has always been to find my ........soulmate.........urgh, yes i said that.
Is it this fucking complicated for everyone? Because seriously. I've got other shit to do.
And i'd like to sleep.
So here I am.
How is it, that when i'm looking for a partner the market is a barren waste land? When i finally decide that this looking and dating and game playing is no longer fun and quite a bit awful it's open season on hunters.
They always circle back. Women who have done this online bullshit know this is true. You get put into a cycle and eventually.....they.come.back....You have two choices. You can entertain the bullshit or you can block them. Lets face it, no self respecting woman wants to be circled back on after a guy has determined he can't do better than you or that you are just good enough to get him through till the next opportunity.
Ah, yes. Jaded a small wee bit.
Or just experienced and realistic.
When i moved, I decided it was a great time to make some small changes in my life and that the first one would be NO MORE DATING. I'm all about making new friends, going out casually to get to know people and coming back home, alone, with no "i'm thinking about you" texts. No expectations, no attempted awkward kissing - NO LOOKING.
And.......the flood begins. The barren dessert of my dating choices has become a tropical forest. Because i can't. Because i won't. Because i simply don't know how to choose a partner that is trustworthy and good for me.
When a beautiful tall man with a buttery accent shows an interest in me I think "huh, what the hell is wrong with him? or what does he want from me?" When he fills all the basic checks of grown up man taking care of his life and self...and he actively pursues me.....I think "Is this some kind of game because i'm new? Is there some kind of horrible bet on the table?" (okay yes, i've determined i am officially jaded) I throw up all the road blocks.
Is it normal to have a man want to know what book you are reading when you tell him you aren't going to meet him out because you are heading to bed with your book? Is it normal for him to call you on his way out to see a band you both enjoy to tell you about the first book he bought and read as an adult? Which....is a huge hook for me. He's good. To have a man tell me that friends is better than nothing and that he just wants to know me.
I stand firm in my decision. It's a curse for me that any man who tells me i'm beautiful, interesting - who asks me questions about what i THINK and how i FEEL about life and situations - who ANSWERS me with thoughtful and sometimes opposite opinions......why do i run? Why do I not believe that this kind of man is good for me.
I'd rather stress over the ones who don't call, aren't reliable, don't have their act together - compliments are connected to ulterior motives and basically, just don't feel good to me. I'm working SO HARD to love myself, to know i'm worthy, to know that the shitty relationships i held on to were because of my missing pieces....the role i need to repeat over and over again until I can see it, change it and heal myself.
Until then, I cannot choose partner. Dating is a waste of time because to me - the goal has always been to find my ........soulmate.........urgh, yes i said that.
Is it this fucking complicated for everyone? Because seriously. I've got other shit to do.
And i'd like to sleep.
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