punish me

yeah, so i went through old texts today.......because i'm a glutton for punishment.

The ones i shared with Mike in the beginning have "fallen off"....which makes me sad because i wanted to re-visit that.  Stupid.  I know.  I have the flesh and blood man, texts don't come close to him.

THEN i re-read some other texts and finally re-read some of the ex's texts.  Mostly i'm pissed at myself for being such a .....pathetic creature.  How embarrassing to go back and see the state I was in.....at least i didn't beg.  I AM a grown up. 

Re-reading the texts made me glad i'm not sitting at home waiting for him anymore.  I'm glad i'm not the one trusting him, half ass or otherwise. 

There's no hate, but there are still thoughts.  Memories.  Anger.  Nostalgia.  No regret.  yet.  I'm waiting for that to stop because it feels strange when it happens.  I feel disappointed in myself.  I also know that it's going to happen and that rolling with it is better than fighting it. 

He said he "didn't want to hold me back" and he was right about me being held back but i'm the one who was doing it.  Now i don't.  Now i don't hold back a damn thing.  Don't have to.  And thats a really good place to be.

Scrolled through conversations with friends that had SO MUCH patience with me.  Urgh.  I don't know how they did it.  I don't have that much patience.  It was fun to laugh again at some of their antics in making me smile.....some of the pictures they sent me.  One friend sent me a scowling picture of his face to put on my screen saver so i wouldn't text the ex.  That is friendship and love.

So my question, (will i answer myself?) is.........do i erase everything from everyone over the past year or do i save it?  Do i want to see my sad, raging, bitter, righteous self and the road i traveled to get to where i am now?  Is that something to erase or save?  I'm not sure.  So for now i'm going to keep everything.  until i am.

What the hell is happening?

Matt, oh Matt.  How could you?  First it was Kevin, then Louie and now you.  

I guess i don't understand what it's like to be a man.  Or to raise a man like you - because i'm QUITE sure that my son hasn't and wouldn't act like any of you.  He was raised by me.  

I talk to him, have always talked to him AND my daughter about topics that many shy away from, or "protect" children from. The kind of protection that allows someone to victimize your children because they don't know how to respond to a predators advances. BUT Pedophilia is a completely separate topic and should not be assumed to be part of my thought process at this moment.   There are people out there having a hard time distinguishing the difference between victimizing a child, or an able minded adult.(Kevin??)

Men/anyone who is using their power or position to force women/anyone into a situation they are forced into, need to pay a price for their behavior.  Because, it's all about money, right?

It should be about having respect for people, INCLUDING yourself - that you would never need to exert power over someone not of your status.  Frankly, that doesn't seem to be very difficult or a challenge.....seems to be for very weak minded people looking for an easy way to take out their issues.  Like wife beaters. And there I go, off the track again..........

Why is there so much shitty behavior?  Is it natural?  Are we trying to make men pay a price for being who they naturally are?  Is that a fair question?  Because it feels like everyone knows it's not okay to sexually harass women/anyone and yet.....it still happens.  Frequently.  And it's not just supervisors, bosses, or heads of companies doing it - we just hear about that.  

I haven't been sexually harassed as an adult - by my definition, however another women/anyone might feel differently.  I've been to the sexual harassment training that the state of CT says managers of people must go to........and frankly it was a crock of shit.  Their definition, at least  when i took the training over 10 years ago was "anything" can be considered sexual harassment if it makes someone uncomfortable.

So.  Now i'm going to free style my thoughts as i usually do when writing here-  I've been uncomfortable a LOT over my lifetime.  I would like all the bosses that made me thus to be fired.  Right now.  Today.

That isn't going to happen.  I'm not making light of the accusations women/people are laying against the celebrities that have been outed, but i am calling attention to the fact that if we are going to do this, lets DO THIS.  Like, that burger king manager that liked to grab  my ass and nuzzle my neck?  Find him.  Fire him.  OR that manager at the call center that like to call me into his office and talk dirty to me, and suggest that if i was nice to him I would be promoted........

Hasn't every women been harassed in some way?

And men aren't changing because we call them out on it, or publicize it, or fire them.  

Maybe the only way we can change this pattern is to start with our children.  The ones we gave birth to, the ones we work with, the ones we interact with at all.  Maybe we need to empower our children from birth, talk to them.  Frankly.  

When i was in high school there was a boy that put his hand out on my chair, palm up, as i was sitting down.  I sat on his hand and promptly stood up, turned around and slapped him so hard the whole class heard it, including the teacher who was ........male.  I was punished with an after school suspension and he was not punished. 

The message that was sent by my SCHOOL was that I was not allowed to defend or stand up for myself.  The message sent to him was that it's okay to do that to a girl.

We cannot blame grown men, who have grown up in a society where it's ignored or approved to harass girls/people when they do it to women/people.  

We can't look the other way when we see this happening as our kids play on the playground.  

We have to raise them to know that not only is not okay to harass anyone, it is ALSO okay to defend yourself.  With a slap, or a loud voice, or a quiet telling to an adult.  

I'm gonna get some people mad - but i'm a woman and i don't feel second to any man, and would never act like it.  If a man suggested I "be nice" to him to get a promotion, I will tell him to stick his crutch up his ass.  Prove i said it.  Try to fire me.  Do not fuck with me.

If a boy cops an uninvited feel of my ass while in class, i will slap the shit out of him.

If a man on the street says something to me - I ignore it.  I don't have to interact with him.  OR if i felt it was that offensive I could tell him off.  Most women would be telling men off all day if that was a solution.

Do i have a perfect answer.  No.  My opinion is that we need to stop the great division between men and women.  Women need to stop accepting that we are "weak" and need someone else to defend us when confronted with ugly situations.  We need to be part of the solution by standing up for ourselves IMMEDIATELY and completely.  Even if that means the career we are working on may be affected - what is more important?  Our kids can have both without thought if we do the dirty work of making it that way for them.  OR. we can continue to take the passive in the moment role.

I'm not victim blaming.  I'm saying if everyone who is being harassed - not just people who can publicize it - stops taking it and stands up for themselves regardless of the fallout we can begin to change things.

Talk to your kids, raise them to see people, not color, not age, not sex.  Teach them that no one deserves to be treated differently based on these things and that if they see it, say something.  Do something.  Because if its not you today, it will be at some point.  

Done.

Thankful

I am grateful for this cup of steaming black coffee and the last piece of apple crumb pie that i just ate for BREAKFAST.,

Happy Thanksgiving!  Really.  I mean it.  No sarcasm. 

It's early, the house is quiet aside from the "tinks" that come from the heat occasionally.  Heat.  I'm so grateful for HEAT that comes on with the flick of a switch. 

My eyes popped open this morning and my little love was curled up next to me instead of my big love...like he knew i needed the reminder that i am his first love.  I am grateful for Miyagi, the 5 pound furry little ferocious (he thinks so) beast that literally saved my sanity.  I am grateful for his wiggly welcome back dance, his licks, his head butts, his happy bark and his soulful eyes that balance his adorable underbite.   I am his.  I gave myself to his unconditional love the moment i met him and it was the best thing I ever did. 

Just like i gave myself over to the myth of love at first sight.  My brain fought it, my destiny continued it's course without me.  My big love, Michael.  I am grateful for his ability to be gentle and kind while being 100 % male.  I am grateful to be his equal, at full steam ME, and that not only can he handle me, he seems to enjoy me. He is my match, my happy medium, my complete trust, my comfort and excitement.  He sees me, for who i am, for how i am, for what i look like (cleaned up and NOT) and all i can see is the love reflected in his eyes.  What i'm most grateful for is that twinkle in his blue eyes that caught me and ended my search. I am grateful to have finally found him. 

And while i was searching for myself and for my footing I learned just how grateful I am for my family.  My children, no longer children - grown up and living their lives but who always check in on me, make sure i'm okay - that i'm happy.  They are my success.  Both know how to take care of themselves and others, both independent and strong willed.  I am grateful that they put up with my flightiness, my inability to call them every time i think of them (they would change their numbers if i did) I am grateful that when i was at my lowest point the thought of them lifted me as proof of the good things i accomplished in my lifetime.  There are times that i can't believe how lucky i am that they have grown into the adults they are, in spite of my many mistakes and imperfections.  I am grateful that my children fill my heart not only with love, but with pride.

My friends.  How can i fit all the emotion and gratefulness that i have for each of them into that word "friend".  I need a grander term.  Until then, I will say that I am grateful for each of them in different ways but all of them for showing me constant love and support and encouragement through my dark days, and laughing so hard with me that we peed on my good days.  I am grateful for no bullshit in my face  talks, snapping me out of my self pity rides.  I am grateful for the coffees that were clutched while i constantly repeated what everyone already knew, yet they let me say it like it was the first time. I am grateful for long scandalous conversations,  .I am grateful for rides given when i purposely drank too much.  I am grateful for the hugs, the kisses, the i love yous, the constant and steady reminder that i was worth loving.  You saved me when i couldn't save myself. 

This year I am the most grateful for myself.  I know this looks selfish, however, it's been a long time, like never.  I am grateful that no matter what happens in my life I have the ability to love, and be loved.  I am grateful that i have found my trust again - that my bitterness did not cause blindness- that i was able to appreciate the love in my life that comes from all directions - from my children, my friends, my co-workers even, and my self.  I am grateful to have finally found my self worth and my happiness.

To friends and family in the past, I am grateful to have known you and have you shape my present.  I am grateful that each person in my past has brought me to this point and that my lessons were learned, the love that was shared will never be forgotten and the memories bring smiles to my face. I am grateful to have been shaped by having you in my life for the time you were there.

My wish this year, on the day of thanks is that all my loved ones realize their value in my life and in the lives of others.  Eat, drink, be happy and share the love!  Happy Thanksgiving.

 

patience, patience

You know how you think something is going to be quick and easy and you are completely wrong?  Yeah, that is me.  Always.  I should know to add about 6 months minimum to any "weekend" project i think i'm going to accomplish.

But it's okay.  Anything good is worth waiting for. 

I just need a few more hours in the day, and eventually i'm going to have that.  Just not now.  I'm trying to stock up on supplies that will be needed on those snow days I am "stuck" at home......hahahaha "stuck"......i'm actually wishing for snow.  Shhhhh.  All day in the house to work on my projects with loud music accompanied by horrid singing and bad dancing.....sounds lovely to me.  That or chanting monks and lit candles.....who knows.  Like Bobbie sang, it's my prerogative.

And food.  I'm making my list of food to stock up on for the marathon cooking and freezing i have planned, in my head.

This week i'm going to attack the mysterious freezer in the basement that i'm told works but hasn't been used in years.  I'm also told it smells bad.  Soooooo.....thats gonna be fun.  But I am the woman who as a kid spent summers in Florida cleaning out refrigerators and hunting lizards.....My grandfather had a business where he picked up broken refrigerators and fixed them to re-sell. This was his version of retirement.  Stinky refrigerators and freezers aren't my favorite but it brings back some fond memories and feelings for me.  I'll just have to hold my breath and de-stink it. 

My baby boy turns 27 this week.  I think that may make me cry.  Again.  And then my first born turns 29.  More crying.  I'm so proud of both of them - of the adults they have become.  I'm not getting any older though, just so that is clear.

Happy Thanks giving to those who celebrate it.  I like it so much i'm going to do it a couple of times this year. 

Always

It seems that there is always at least one person I love that has to be angry and or disatisfied with me.  My life can never be 100% good.

That's not true though, because I'm not that woman anymore. I'm sorry if anyone I care about is upset with me but this is my life and I'm living it the way I see fit.  With no apologies.

I love my family, my friends and my man. That should be enough. If it's not, and anyone feels the need to pass judgement on me or my choices that is not my problem. Sorry you don't agree or approve. I still love you. I'm still making my own choices.

Push me away with hurtful comments, tell me how little my being in your life matters.....i still love you. I'm not going to force you to share my happiness but I do want you to look deep and ask yourself why.  Why does my finally being happy make you so angry? 

My family. My friends. My man. (Boyfriend sounds so childish) I love each one but I will not be shit on by anyone. Ever. Again. My advice is to respect me enough to watch how you talk to me about people I love. Period.

I'm here for you, Will always be here. I deserve to be happy. So do you. I guess I don't fully understand how those two things are so very different.

Thanks for listening.

perspective

This morning i had a conversation with someone i know  through work that has really given me some perspective.  

Both her children are in the armed forces AND work as police officers.  Last year around this time both were deployed within a month of each other and her brother, who lived with her, passed away a month later.  

She told me she didn't know how she did it, she just kept going.

The holidays are upon us and my bad habit of getting myself all crappy about it has started.  But why?  My children are safe and happy.  I am with a man I love who treats me like gold.  I have much to be grateful for.  There is no reason to carry the old negativity by rehashing the past over and over as far back as i can remember.

She kept going.  And things WILL get better eventually.  I know this first hand.  

Egg sandwiches, Howard Stern and Therapy

This morning i had extra time to spare before going in to work so i stopped at the local deli and ordered an egg sandwich.  I go there often, as most around here do, and they know me mostly because of Miyagi usually being in my arms.  If i go in without him, they want to know where he is.  Anyway, any single women looking to meet men - go into your local deli in the morning when all the workmen are on their break and getting their breakfast.  Trust me.  Do it.  If you like that kind of man it's a candy store.

This morning I felt like the special.  This hasn't happened to me in a while which is why I can now say with proof that attractiveness is in your attitude and how you hold yourself.  Mike makes me feel gorgeous.  He never stops telling me, and touching me, and putting me first.  Now, should self satisfaction come from someone on the outside telling us?  Maybe not.  Of course not.  HOWEVER, to have a man look at me the way he does and treat me the way he does..........lets say its hard to have a down day.  That vibe gets carried with me and this morning i noticed the results.

Isn't that a fucker?  When i was single and looking it wasn't until i gave up and stopped caring that i finally met the right man.  It's that not caring thing, that attitude that you are fine with yourself that gets the kind of attention you have forgotten to care about.  Twisted right?  But true.

Which brings me to therapy.  If you are feeling down on yourself or like your life is too heavy to carry- go get therapy.  Don't waste valuable time.  Not only get therapy but take the time and be discriminating in who you choose to stay with - you must trust your therapist.  You must "click" and not everyone is going to with every therapist.  I've met a few that I think are wonderful people, but who just didn't work for me in a way that i didn't know i even needed.

Of course i'm partially in love with my therapist because she's that good.  She was recommended to me, and that is always a good place to start.  But like I said, someone who is perfect for another person may not be your match.  So be patient and look around.  It's worth your mental health, and the therapist is not going to have hurt feelings.

Someone recently told me that they felt stirred up and angry when they left their sessions and that it took a week to calm down and then they were back at therapy to be stirred up yet again.

I'm not an expert, but this is NOT what therapy is about.  There is not truth to "no pain no gain" with mental health.  That is bullshit.  And we shouldn't pay for bullshit. (although, i'm told that there are scientists paying for human feces in Africa.....but that is a different story for another time)  Yes, you may feel emotional during a session and probably will for most, but a good therapist is not going to send you back out into the world as a walking wound.  Therapy is about healing.  Not wounding.  You should feel lighter, freer, have a better understanding of yourself - at least a glimmer, when you leave that office.  If you feel like hell when you leave, PLEASE find another therapist.

I'm not saying you should have rainbows shooting out of your ass.  I'm saying, you should feel empowered.

And on THAT note, I was listening to Howard Stern this morning and he was talking about the whole Louis C.K thing, with him whipping out his penis and masturbating in front of women who were not asking for that - how he has apologized and how his career is most likely over.

I call bullshit.  This is a situation where black and white thinking is nothing but a limitation for small minds.

Have you heard his stand up?  Have you watched his shows?  His interviews?  He's probably one of the most genuinely unperfect men on the planet.  And he knows it.  He's made his living off of it.  We've cheered him along until he proved it.  I have many different feelings regarding this because he is my favorite stand up, i've had an adult crush on him for years and yes, it started because he is a ginger BUT I also find him smart, sharp, honest and funny as hell.

But he whips his dick out at unsuspecting women when i'm sure there is no shortage of WILLING and like minded ladies.  That tells me, (again i'm no expert) that the thrill for him is in making women uncomfortable.  That bothers me.

Any time a woman feels assaulted she has a right to her feelings whether or not someone else thinks its assault or not.  IF you haven't ever personally felt assaulted then you should probably shut up and wait your turn before you speak.  If you are a woman, you will definitely have this experience at least once in your lifetime.  Maybe not a masturbater, maybe not a groper, or a rapist - there are unfortunately many ways for a woman (and men) to feel assaulted.  There's no confusing the feeling when you have it happen to you.  You know.

Should his career end because this happened?  Not when it was built on his talking about his constant masturbation.  Thats a huge contradiction to sit in an audience and laugh about his problem and then call him a pervert when he acts like one.   I don't think i need to point out, as others have, our President admits to grabbing women by the pussy.  Who's going to be shocked when he does.  again.  ehem.  This behavior did not deter him from becoming the leader of the free world.

I think our standards are changing, rightfully so.  Our consistency needs to be checked and put into line.  Women (people, living things, etc) should not be assaulted.  Period.  By anyone.  famous or not, rich or not, celebrity or not.  Our standards need to stretch out across the board, from the President to the United States to the crack head who beats his wife.  The rules of decency do not apply to SOME, they apply to all.

Those rules need to be set in stone.  I said it.  If a man whipped his dick out in front of me and i did not want him to, i would leave.  (okay i might punch him first, or call him names or whatever but leaving would be part of it for sure)  That's me.  Another woman may feel shattered instead of pissed off.   Thats a big chance to take for a man isn't it?  One feels assaulted and like she has been violated and the other is just angry and left you to your business.

Who is right?  Who gets to determine that?
What is a turn on, turn off to one may be assault to another.

Risky to drag your dick out, eh?  Maybe better to keep it in your pants until you are invited.  I'd say.  But that's just me.

Do i have a solution?  Play nice.  Be respectful.  Be aware of who you are playing with.  Get help for your problems.

Respect yourself, and if you can't - go get therapy.  And then go get an egg sandwich and watch how people respond to you.

Like i said several times - i'm not expert.

Thanksgiving

Probably i've mentioned that holidays aren't my favorite.  In recent years they have gotten better in some regards and stayed the same in others.  Lets just say that while others may be all excited i'm usually trying to find a hole to go hibernate in till it's all over.

The man i called Dad was not my biological father.  When he married my mother (#2 husband) he wanted me to take his last name also so he adopted me.  Where HE fully claimed me, his family, not so much.  I wasn't "blood", i was Kathy's kid from another man.  (Who, incidentally, gave up his rights to me without a glance backward) Usually, this didn't effect me until the holidays - when the other grandchildren, the blood relatives, would get boxes and boxes of gifts from the aunties and uncles and i would get a card from my grandmother.  I did have one favorite auntie who would always give me a gift.  I adored her.  She made me feel included as much as she could.  I remember my mother and father fighting over it every year on the way home - after he had had more than a few beers so THAT was always fun.

ANYWAYS - she shouldn't have had anything to bitch about because when my sister was born she did the same thing to me.  I got all the clothes she didn't want anymore, and her makeup she had bought but didn't like - pre-used christmas gifts all wrapped up so it didn't look too pathetic.  One year i wanted designer jeans so badly i could taste them and she said i could have a pair but that would be my only present.  I consented, so excited that i would have a pair of designer jeans......she bought mens, because they were less expensive.......and i was NEVER shaped like a man. 

Sounds petty right?  But i think kids can be petty by rights.  Especially when they are constantly pushed aside, neglected and ignored until there is something to yell at them about.  Thanks mom. 

While i was dating my future husband he always treated me well at the holiday and my birthday.  He picked out gifts that were special, or that he knew i wanted.  He was really good at that.  So when it abruptly stopped years later it was disappointing and sad- however i had already learned that everything is temporary and nothing good lasts forever.  Mental illness trumps presents and celebrating- so he got what he wanted the last years of our marriage.  Nothing, no celebration.  It was strange though, because our last christmas together he went crazy buying me clothing, jewelry, expensive boots.........like he was trying to make up for all the past years.  I couldn't enjoy it because first, it freaked me out and scared me a little and second, none of our bills were paid and we were close to foreclosing..........This was before i realized where all his money was going.  ehem.

I'm not meaning to trash my ex husband, or anyone else.  But I've thought long and hard about why the holidays suck for me so maybe if i get it out here i don't have to ever think about why again. 

As a single mom, i struggled to make christmas something for my kids.  Usually there was one big gift they had to share and then some smaller gifts.  They always acted excited and happy but i remember what it was like to be a kid and have all my friends talk about how they spent the holiday and all the cool gifts they got.  My kids never made me feel bad.  I tried, i think they knew that.

The one thing they hated was going to my bf's families house for the holiday.  They were uncomfortable, and probably felt a little like they were torn between these people who were not their family taking their mother and them from being alone or with their fathers family.  I can't really explain the complexities of that, but i can try to understand.  It wasn't that they didn't like my ex's family, I think it hurt them to see a family that was ACTUALLY acting like a family when theirs was always so fucked. 

I left out how when the kids were little there was always nothing but drama during the holiday.....who was talking or not talking to who and who would my mother in law get pissed off at that year and who would have to go kiss her ass as she sulked in her room.  God forbid you had other plans with family that wasn't her, because then you were really in the shit.  And don't be 5 minutes late.  OR say or do or look like anything.  She was a terror that one.  I bet she still is. 

Back to the recent past - are you still with me?  This is more for me than you, so i apologize if you are expecting a point to this entry.  My ex bf was always inconsistent at the holiday - one year he purchased a coach purse for me.  One year, a book that was very sentimental and meant a lot - other years he would get me what i asked for, like a vacuum cleaner.  And then there were the years that he did nothing.  Literally.  I never did nothing.  I wanted to celebrate. 

I'm not materialistic but i am extremely sentimental.  I do enjoy nice gifts, wouldn't ever refuse them or complain about it, but i am just as happy with meaningful thoughtful gifts.  I could lie and tell you gifts don't matter but ........it's a lie.  I enjoy giving and i enjoy getting.  When i don't, i feel disappointed. 

Here's an example - the last year i spent christmas with him he gave me $5 in a card and thought it was funny.  My birthday the following week didn't even warrent a card.  On the other hand, he knew i was getting him a GoPro........and he happily accepted it.  He always had an excuse.  But that was the majority of the relationship anyway.

This is a long one and i guess i'm working up to my point now -

Last night Michael told me we had been invited to his daughters house for Thanksgiving. 

duh duh DUUHHH!  Family.  Oh. Shit.  Here we go again.

I became attached to my ex's family.  All but one treated me like i was naturally part of it.  It was awkward at first, because my ex was an douche who would walk in with me behind him and then leave me alone to fend for myself the entire time.  He did this at parties with his friends, who i didn't know at all, and he did this when introducing me to his family, who i didn't know.  What fun those first few years were.  But, i did get over feeling thrown in constantly and got attached to his family.

Last year, i missed them during the holiday and realized they were in more of my memories of good times than HE was. 

So here i am again- going to meet another family.  Michael means so much to me- what if his kids hate me?  Or worse, what if i get attached again.  What if there is crazy drama?  Or what if he just ditches me to fend for myself and everyone looks at me like "poor you" again........what if i see a different side to him, the dad side, and i don't like it?  Or he doesn't like the way i am......? 

Fucking relationships.  Am i ever going to be normal?   

I wish i could see my kids.  We've never made a big deal about Thanksgiving because i've always claimed them on Christmas and didn't want to put pressure on them.  I know they have significant others.  And those others have family too.  Sigh.  New traditions.  I have to roll with it or lose them. 

Yeah, i'm always afraid of losing people i love.  So get me through this year with no bumps or bruises and i'll hopefully be on my way to normal.  Finally? 

Fall

This is my favorite time of year....

I love everything about it, temps cooler in the evening with sunny days and crisp air.  That smell, even though it's rotting leaves, okay..........the colors, the way the sun seems brighter to me........

I love not having to wear a winter coat or worry about snow and ice, but getting to wear jeans and cozy sweaters. I start to get that hibernating urge and i collect "projects" and books to keep me occupied in preparation for the winter.  I pack away the summer clothes and take out the winter clothes which always feels like getting new clothes to me. 

Even so, I can't wait to finish my "closet" which is a whole room.  I feel so lucky to have a whole room to put just my "stuff" in.  A total girl room. White furs, crystals, mirrors, plush, soft.......like me.  I don't just feel lucky.  I AM lucky.

Unpacking is pretty much done.  I threw a lot out.  I have a huge box of things to bring to Good Will and I STILL have the questionables.  Keep? will i regret getting rid of?   Out you go.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is changing how i eat.  I tried the damn shakes and they are just awful.  And they aren't cheap.  Screw that noise.  So now i'm going to try Hello Fresh and hopefully learn how to cook a few new tasty dishes. 

There are options is what i'm thinking.  So the excuses are no longer valid.  Looks like that kitchen i just re-organized is about to get a workout.  Wish me luck.