I’m getting used to this.
Having another relationship break up, has not made it any easier. But it’s familiar now, at least. Not the end of the world like I used to fear
it was.
He was as good to me as he could be. I’m not sure he had a lot to go on, with how
to treat a woman. We both hadn’t been
very successful in past relationships and this one was a really good try at it,
but still no cigar.
I think some people THINK they want to share their lives
with someONE, but they don’t want to sacrifice any of their wants or their time
to the other persons wants. There will
always be one side that is constantly giving in to the other to keep things
rolling smoothly. And with that comes
some frustration, and then bitterness. I
was getting really frustrated, so before I got to the bitter end, I ended it.
I moved away from my life to be with him. It doesn’t seem like much but living an hour
away from where you work and where your friends live, you minds well live in
another state. Getting together is a big
deal. Meeting for coffee isn’t worth the
drive. No more stopping in after work,
or grabbing lunch on the weekend.
But. I knew it wouldn’t be easy
and I did it anyways. I thought I was
starting a new life.
So, I did what I do and I cleaned, cooked, took care of the
house as best I could. I unpacked all my
shit and decorated. I bought what was
needed to make life run smoothly. And I contributed
every month financially. Then, I commuted
two hours, five days a week in rush hour traffic. I missed parties and gatherings I wanted to
go to because I was going to be DAMNED if I showed up alone. Once, I had to
trick him at the last minute before he could find a reason why he couldn’t go
to a fire at a friend’s house with me.
But his family? His friends? He was
always available. No matter if we had plans or not. I gained even more weight going out to dinner
all the time because all he ever wanted to do was drive the cars……muscle cars
that he restored. If not drive them,
work some more on them. I teased that they
were his girlfriends and THEN…… I wasn’t teasing anymore.
I started getting bitchy because the last thing I wanted to
do was go for another long ass ride when that was all I did all week long.
I felt like anything I wanted to do, never came to
pass. We were supposed to go on a trip
to Niagra Falls- I’ve never been. Guess
what? Still haven’t been. Something always came up for him. But he had been there with someone else
before me, so. If there’s one thing that
pisses me off its being taken somewhere that used to be special with someone
else. Men can be so daft. And I’m too
old to make excuses for it anymore.
I can’t hold him being himself against him. He’s a guy that loves cars and bikes. He said
what he had to say to have me move in and I believed him. I think he believed himself. But that house was never going to be
restored, and I was never going to be allowed to do anything to it without his
approval. And he didn’t approve of
anything. A few times I’d go ahead and
do what I wanted, at my expense, to show him he could trust my judgement.
He was never unkind to me.
When I had my surgery, he brought me.
He stayed with me. He made sure I
had what I needed. That went a long way
with me. But he was set in his ways and
my ways weren’t able to make an appearance to even try and merge. What it came down to was that I was a pain in
the ass tenant who wanted more than he was willing to give. Himself.
Just a little. Once again, I found
myself in a situation where I felt invisible, powerless. And this time, I packed my shit and left.
I felt horrible, but I knew it had to happen. My timing also sucked, but that was out of my
control. I wanted to leave before it
became what other romantic relationships had become, tears and screaming. Just because we weren’t working didn’t mean I
had bad feelings about him. I wanted to
keep it that way.
I did not keep contact.
I thought it would be unfair to keep interrupting his life when I had
chosen to leave it. I left it in his
hands if he wanted to keep in touch.
Aside from asking about misplaced items he couldn’t find, he wasn’t. I didn’t hold it against him. I won’t say it didn’t hurt. But, that’s what happens when people break
up.
I love living alone.
I have more life now than I ever have before. I go after what I want, no apologies. I do
what I said I was going to do. I won’t
live the rest of my life waiting for anyone’s approval.
I still have love for each of my ex’s for different reasons. I love my ex husband for giving me my
children. I love my ex boyfriend of 13
years for showing me a side of myself I never would have found without him, and
I love this last man, for making me take a leap of faith and proving to me that
I was right to trust my gut. True
colors, they always show through eventually.
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
