Because i can

 Last night i reached out to a guy i know.  He's not someone i would date.  I'm not someone he would date.  We know this because we have gone out on a date which ended in the understanding that dating was not going to be our thing. wink wink.

He's very loud, and off the hook.  And fun.  I'm pretty sure i can't offend him.  For as long as i've known him (years) he doesn't seem to care about much, aside from his dogs.  He loves his dogs. And his bike.  And his club.

So there's that.

I'm not sure why they hell we have stayed in contact to be honest.  We always answer each others texts?  We flirt even though nothing usually comes of it?  We just like each other? We are both easy for each other?  shrug.  

I mean, neither one of us is getting anything out of this relationship.  We rarely actually see each other, we just keep talking to each other.  It's not constant.  It's a "hey, what happened now" kind of thing.  On both ends. A check in kinda.  You wanna?  no? okay, but are you good then?  yeah?  okay till next time.

When my car needs to be repaired, he'll offer to do it and tell me when someone is over charging me.  I don't take him up on it, because........well.  Because.  I know he'll charge me fair, but it will still cost more.  Get it?  And i don't like that arrangement. Once i mentioned to him something that happened to me on a date and he was ready to go handle business.  I don't owe anybody anything and i'm keeping it that way.  You walk a very fine line with men like him.  And it's good to know where you stand on it.  At all times. 

So why keep in touch?  I like him.He's loud obnoxious and fun.  He's real.  And he's wayyyy too much for me.  I'm not about that life.  I like it nice and calm and peaceful. And worry free.  I'd be insane to want those things and then get involved with a 1%er.  

Plus, i could never hold my own in that environment.  I'm too peace love and kumbaya.  People beating each other up just scares me, it doesn't make me want to do it too.  Yes, i have a temper.  But it's more restrained.

Hey, more power too him.  I get it.  But i've never been one to get romantically involved in that life.  I know too many people, heard too many stories, seen too many things. All of which, i've kept my mouth shut about.  And always will.

Anyhoo.  I reached out and said "why can't you come over and just cuddle?"

......."now?"

"No. I'm having a headboard delivered tonight"

"So i can tie you up to it when we cuddle?"

"NO.  Actual cuddling. Silly"

So.  Don't ask a big badass biker man to come over and cuddle........ I know it will be great, because i've been there before. i know there will be no attachment aside from what we already have going on and that's fine too. It's required actually.  I'll get tossed around and taken care of and he will go home......or wherever he goes.  Until next time.

I mean...Trump is President.  Looks like Kennedy is going to head our healthcare........I minds well have a good time before the shit hits the fan.  And no, thats not a commentary on them per se, it's more a commentary on the state of this country and the lack of choices we have about who leads it.  We were stuck between dumb and dumber in my opinion.  There was no viable choice.  So fuck it.  

Doctors and age

 I am so used to going to different doctors for different ailments now that it's got to be official.....i'm over the hill.  There is a pill for this and a pill for that........and i still can't seem to get a good nights sleep.

I do all the things.  and yet i still toss and turn and reach out.

I thought of a thing i miss.  I miss that presence in the bed next to me.  i miss being able to reach out and touch another human and know that i am safe.  Or curl up against a back, or touch feet.  even for a moment.  That was very calming.

Sometimes it wasn't.  Sometimes it was being sworn at in the middle of the night too. 

Can't forget that part even if it's convenient.

Now.......i literally can't stand sleeping with a man next to me.  I did sleep well with Mr. Tatto, but he kept to his side of a king size bed and never seemed to move a muscle unless it was to reach out and touch me.

I've had other men in my bed, and couldn't wait for them to get out.  Go away.  Shut. up. don't touch me.

just.  stop.

I've been trying to figure out the difference.  Why him but not others?  Why my ex but not others?  These two men are nothing alike, aside from THC.  Otherwise, nothing alike at ALL.  Yet, i got insanely attached to both in a short period of time.

Why?

If i could figure that out, i would save myself and men i date a lot of time.

Doctors appointment this morning, had a nice long talk with my provider.  I have been with her for years.  We reviewed my year, my health, my mental health.......whats going on with this country.  My constant unease and anxiety.  I feel like a raw wound around people, always waiting for the fights to begin, the different ideologies to be spoken loudly.  I fall down the rabbit hole at night, watching horrible videos....I  can't stand it.  

So.......maybe it's not so bad to tuck myself into a book of fiction at night and remove myself from the world.  Escape.  Breathe.  

But sometimes, i really wish i had a strong back next to me in the night. 

Happy Tuesday

 Yesterday i posted a video on FB that showed a grown man losing his shit on a 14 year old kid on a dirt bike.  The grown man assaulted the kid.  

I was mortified.  I reposted it because i was mortified.  Who thinks they have the right to put their hands on a neighborhood kid?  And this guy was full of the word fuck fuck fuck........also, he's a pastor.

enough said.

One of my male friends commented and pretty much shamed me for sharing negativity.  I think he meant well........but fuck you buddy.

Number one: don't tell me what to do or don't do.  EVER.  I will ask you if i need advice.  

Number two: My page.  don't like it? go away.

Number three: Why do you feel so comfortable telling me what i "need".  I "NEED" everyone to see the guys face and what a hypocrite he is.  People in his community think he's a good guy because he's a pastor and he is NOT. 

Then, this morning i'm listening to the news.  I honestly don't think i can possibly be shocked by anything anymore.  I feel so desensitized and numb that feeling shock is shocking.  And THEN, this story about Ronald P. Bedra, of Etna, Ohio conspired with others to create and distribute videos depicting acts of sadistic violence against baby and adult monkeys. 

What.....The....Actual......Fuck.

He got sentenced to 50 months in jail.

I won't share my thoughts of the sadistic violence I hope Karma visits on him there.

How can any of us be fine in a world that breeds such ugliness and hate.

It's no wonder when i listen to the news i become upset and depressed.  

Is it better to be ignorant?  Be blissful?  Or to acknowledge the evil around us and point it out loudly so everyone knows to be aware.  

I hate people.  I really do.  Today, i do.  Today, i need to just put my head down and do my work and not engage.  I feel broken.

Affirmations

 Do you start your day off with all the things you don't want to do rolling in your head?  Starting with getting out of your cozy bed and onto the liar scale before you hit the shower you will then not want to get out of?

I don't do that anymore.

I wake up and get out of bed grateful that i'm needed somewhere.  Or on the weekend i wake up and think i can enjoy a leisurely coffee in the quiet before the day starts rolling.  I am sleepy.  I am warm and comfy but i get to come back to that later.

While i'm in the shower i tell myself how grateful i am for having a job i love going to, for a man i highly respect for an institution i can stand behind.

I get paid alright.

I have outstanding health benefits.

I sit in a beautiful office that i share with VIP.    I mean, i'm a little fancy.

I sometimes wonder when they are going to figure out they made a mistake hiring me.  Or when i'm going to hit the wall on how much more i can learn.

But then i remind myself of all the experiences over the years i have had, working with difficult people, some downright nasty.  I remind myself where i was not that long ago, and i know i have earned where i am now.  I deserve it.  And i do get it done......very well.

How we talk to ourselves is how the day is going to go, and how our days add up is how we view our lives.  I have a comfy bed i don't want to get out of.  I have a job i don't want to lose because i love it, and i have a life i love because of the people i share it with.

Whats to be negative about?

Nice to come home

 Nothing feels as good as coming home after being away all weekend.  I went places, i saw people and i did things.  I'm exhausted.

And content.

I don't feel any anger over dragging my stuff back into the house and cleaning the cat box, taking out the garbage and opening a window for a bit of fresh air while i unpack and put stuff away.  Because i'm doing it for myself, just myself.  There's no one dumping me off at the house and taking off to go see his friends leaving me with all the chores.

It's just me.

I pack for one and 1/2 (my 5 lb dog) and i go.  Where i want.  When i want.  And i come home when i want. 

Alone isn't always a bad thing. 

I drove home and listened to my audio book without having anyone be mad at me for whatever reason, without anyone telling me his friends didn't like me because HE had a temper tantrum.  Without anyone driving like someone with a deathwish while i was in the car with him.....

I'll drive anywhere now.  By myself.  Much better.

I'm trying to remember what i miss.  Can't think of a damn thing today.  I came home to a clean house because i left it like that.  There's food in the fridge, and there always will be because i take care of it.  Myself.  The bills are paid, and getting paid, because i take care of it myself.  I'm not wondering when / if his portion will be coming, because it won't be.  I no longer wait for a man to behave like a man.  I do it.  Myself.

My car isn't cool.  I don't have a vacation home.  I don't have a lot of toys.  What i do have is my family, my friends, and my peace.

So let me go check the dating site that i've been neglecting and see how i can fuck that all up with a man.

Not really.

Ha.

His baby mama reached out  to me again.  Not sure what she wants from me.  To commiserate how horrible he is?  What makes her think i'm the one?  I will never understand people.  And ...i don't have to. 

Sick sucks

 Tuesday i came in to work after wrestling with the sheet of ice that covered my car, and i had a sniffly nose.  I figured, being outside with work clothes and no hat on when the temp was 1 degree was probably the reason why.

By the time i got my coat off and got a cup of coffee, i was sneezing, and sniffling and discovered i also had a headache and a sore throat.

I'll ignore it.  It will go away.

Except it got worse.

When you work in healthcare, you can't sit at your desk wheezing and sneezing.....people freak out.  They give you sidelong glances..........so i tried to take a covid test to soothe the natives.  Believe me when i say i had to leave work, go to CVS, GO INSIDE, because they wouldn't sell it to me through the drive through even though i also picked up my prescriptions.....go home, and take the damn test. I work in a hospital.  Next time i'm throwing down. 

When you feel like shit thats a lot.  

No covid.

Take nyquil go to bed, sleep for 12 hours.  Get up the next day, do it again.

Today, my body hurts from being in bed so long but i'm on my way back to human.  I hope.

I'm supposed to see a psychic tomorrow, and this weekend i'm going to see my girls in the city.  Not to mention the amount of work that has piled up waiting for me to take care of it.

I'm not stressing.  I'm looking at all the things I have to do with gratitude for having them.  It matters if i show up and that's all i ever wanted really.  

Hang on!

 Anyone else glued to the TV today?  The inauguration of Donald J. Trump.  

Yesterday TikTok was back online, supposedly due to Trump (although he was the one that originally wanted it gone).....interesting.

I'm not political.  I can't be because i don't know enough about it.  I can make judgements on what i see on television, but thats a soap opera, not news.  So no, i won't be making opinions on what is shown to me on the television.

AI.  They can show us anything they want to.  What is real?  What they say is real.

Prices are going to go down?  

Housing will become more affordable?

At what cost elsewhere?

Because everyone knows, you don't get something for nothing.

That.  I know.

So i will watch today to see how the "news" handles this day.  And i will enjoy this day off thanks to Martin Luther King, and tomorrow, i will go back to my life.  In the big picture, the macrocosm of this life, it won't matter what my opinions are, what i think, how i feel....I'm a nobody. Just like everyone else who lives in this country and thinks their opinions matter if they accidentally line up with the powers that be.

But in MY life, how I hold myself, how I treat people......thats all me baby.  I might be powerless to politics, regardless of who sits in that presidential seat, but MY LIFE, is MY LIFE.  At least for today.

Hopefully for tomorrow and the days after.

What do I really need?

 Coffee.

This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale.  It's working.  I have found my problem, which is snacking at night.  No matter what i snack on, it keeps me from losing.  So.....no more snacking at night.  This is going to be a hurdle.  For some reason, night is when i want food.  I can go all day and be fine, and then.......

I don't keep bad stuff in the house.  For this very reason.  And when i do have anything i know damn well i shouldn't eat, it's gone within days.  I'm not normal.  I have to have it all.  i'm not content with just a little once in a while.

So.  Mystery solved.  Battle on.

I walked into my kitchen and started my coffee.  Looked in the fridge to see what was in there that needed to be thrown out, due to my revelation.  Nothing.  The fridge is bare bones.  There is a case of beer that has been in there for a year now.  Does beer go bad?  I have a few truly's left over from New Years....and protein drinks.  Okay, no threats there.  On to the freezer.  Frozen chicken, beef and veggies.  A few bagels and a loaf of bread.  Bare bones.

This got me to thinking.  When i retire, and live in a van, this kind of food storage will not be available to me.  It will, on a very small scale....and it looks like i'm not gonna have a problem with that.  I should probably start making a list of kitchen items i cannot live without comfortably.  Everyone is different.  I'm going to want space in my van (home)for only the things i cannot live without.  Coffee.

I can't imagine waking up in the middle of nowhere and not being able to brew some coffee.  I'm so grateful i began drinking it black years ago because that simplifies things so much.  And it doesn't go bad, at the rate i drink it.  It only requires water, which i will need for many other things.  And a way to make it.  There are so many way to make coffee now that i'm confident that will not be a problem.

Add to list:

Coffee

Water

Cozy bed to nest in

A place to sit comfortably and work on laptop in case weather is not cooperative.  This space can double as a table to eat at for the same reason.  I plan on living out of the van more than in it.  But you never know with rain. Life goes on, and i'll need to be able to function inside comfortably.

I won't have any space for storage in the front of the van, which i intend to keep very commercial and generic due to stealth living.  I need a cup holder.....for coffee...and a secretly comfortable drivers seat.  I will be able to move back and forth from the front to the back, but it will look like a work van from the outside.  

Not a white van.

Thats just creepy.

Hopefully, i will never have to move again until i move into the van.  I hope where i am continues to be a happy place i can afford until the time that i can hit the road.  The van purchase will happen at least a year before retirement, so i can do my minimal build up and actually take it on the road for weekends and vacations to figure out how much more i can live without happily.  

The point here, is to simplify my life.  Not be caught up in consumerism, telling me I will only be successful and happy if i have all this STUFF they want me to buy and keep me in debt.  I want enough.  Thats it.  Thats all.  I want to be able to pay for my lifestyle without going into debt (yes, i will have a van loan) any more than i have to be.  And the only reason i'll have a van loan is because it's my home, I want to get a lot of miles out of it with as little problems as possible.  I want a blank slate to start with.  And lets face it, when the time comes for me to give it up, i want something that will still be valuable to sell.

I mean.  I'm gonna need money for coffee.  Even when i'm 80.  So theres that. 

Lost Cell

Last night i lost my cell phone for a few hours.

I could have called it, but the ringer was silent.  I don't like my personal cell phone interrupting me at work during the day.  I chose when to look at it.  The only numbers that ring through are my kids.  I am always available to them no matter the time or place. 

So when you have 50 things on your mind and you casually put your cell phone in your bathrobe (which you are wandering around the house in) you will forget its there when you have a hot flash, remove your robe and throw it somewhere.  I lost my mind for a about 1/2 an hour and then figured i was probably looking right at it and wouldn't see it because my head was so scattered.

Whats the worst thing that could happen?  My kids can still call, and then i'd find the phone.........or, i'd have to have an evening without my cell phone.  I knew the alarm would go off in the morning..i'd find it then.  

It was lovely.  And i promptly fell asleep.

I got nothing done last night. 

It was divine. 

52 First Dates

 This is the year.

I'm gonna find him, he's gonna find me, or i'm gonna live the rest of my life knowing I tried, but i'm single and happy.  I don't want to look back with regret that i didn't try to find him.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that i gave it a good amount of time, and effort and it just wasn't meant to be.  Then i can just live my happy life and not wonder anymore.

With that said, 52 first dates is a lot to accomplish in one year.  And it will definetly become tedius and no longer fun. SO, while i'll be documenting the whole thing here.......i'm also collecting other peoples stories of "horrible first dates" over 50.  I've joined a few carefully selected groups (lots of root members) and i'll be asking for submissions occasionally.  For the next year i will be collecting stories, and attempting to date frequently while i live my "normal" life as well.  This time next year, i'll see what i've got and MAYBE i'll be able to write a book.

That sounds so fancy to me.  So out of reach.  Who do i think i am?

Well......they say write about what you know, and i have a feeling i'm going to know quite a bit by the end of this year. And hey, I bet i meet some pretty cool people along the way as well. 

Also, I'll be laying low and not spending money because i'm broke broke.  The kind of broke people with savings do not understand.  So this will keep me busy and not spending money while i build up my credit and pay off my debt.

I've got a LOT to accomplish this year.

So ....i better get to it.

Let's talk about the men who want to text endlessly with me on the dating site, ignoring the profile i put up that says i don't want to text endlessly.  

Here's my profile blurb:

Happy New Year! I'm hoping to find the love of my life, somone whose soul connects quietly with mine.  While I value our independence, I'd love to build something meaningful together. I'm upfront and honest because i believe in respecting each other's time.  Pictures and endless texting aren't really my thing, so if you're interested, let's skip the small talk and grab a coffee!

It needs work.  But i've found the more text you put into it, the less likely it gets read.  The more of MYSELF i put into it, the more it angers me when it doesn't get read.  Therefor, generic.  They look at the pictures and that's really what counts in the begining.  Sadly.

Okay, so i have 2 "possible" dates for this weekend, however, i won't be doing either.  It's Wednesday.  Any guy eager to meet me would know by now if he could see me this weekend.  So these two? Cut.

It's a numbers game.  And i'm playing. 

Part time job

 okay, so far i haven't secured a date for the third week in January.  Damn it.  I cannot break my streak.

I have made this my part time job.  I plan on succeeding.

It amazes me how wishy washy so many men on the dating sites are.  I'm not back up girl.  Ask me out and meet me or GTFO.

If he doesn't have time to meet, he doesn't have time to date.  And if he does have time and he isn't making it? He's not interested.  Delete.

Can I say I'm interested in any one of these men?  No.  I haven't met them.  I'm putting myself out there to find out.  The hardest lesson was not wasting time "getting to know" these men and when you finally meet it's a definite no. 

Just get out there. Stop being a weenie.

THIS is dating for me in 2025.  I don't want to hear your history, your job, your interests.......I don't care.  Tell me when we are sitting face to face.  Then I might care.

People are scared.  Everyone is beaten up and gun shy.  Everybody has a history.  Let's talk about NOW.  

Let's talk about retirement dreams even if they seem out of reach.

Yesterday the group I'm in on facebook told me I'm a rockstar because I've had 2 first dates already this year.  My response was that they could too if they stuck their neck out there.  Women started sending me stories of horrible first dates.......

So..........i am now officially collecting first date horror stories from people over 50, women AND men.  Add that to my 2025 part time job.  And at the end of the year, if I have something I can actually mold into a book.......

Why not?  

Oh sweet mystery of life, i've found you

I still remember this song from the Mel Brooks movie Young Frankenstein.  Isn't it strange the things that stick in your head and never go away?

That movie is one.  Mel Brooks movies in general.  I think I must have been at that very impressionable age when they were popular.  I know I was too young to be watching them, but that I did.  I didn't understand half the humor, but the fact that these were movies for "adults" made them attractive to me.

The movie "High Anxiety" with the nurse who had a secret bondage closet.  Wowza.  What was THAT?  I thought it was funny but I knew there was more to it than I was understanding.

Wide eyes.

The Pink Panther movies.......I waited the ENTIRE movie for the Pink Panther to return and was SO BORED with everything aside from Kato.  My parents thought that was hysterical.  No one explained to me that this was not the cartoon version of Pink Panther.

WTF.  I was so mad.

When my kids were growing up I tried not to run and turn the channel, or in our case, pause the movie, when they entered the room during a "grown up" movie.  Because I knew from experience that it would only cause them to investigate further on their own without context.  I wanted to explain and have a conversation about what they saw.  You know, bore the shit out of them. 

I was raised were certain things were not ever talked about but I was supposed to know.  I would get in trouble and that was how I learned........retrospect.  Rules were not defined, I never knew which end was up and which parent was going to be angry with me for what reason.  It was always a land mine situation.  Tread very lightly, and very quietly and you stood a better chance of not getting blown up.

I stayed away from home as much as I possibly could.  Home wasn't safe.  Home wasn't security.  Home was where I got into trouble for unknown reasons.  I loved television and watching movies at my neighbors house.  My information came from the neighborhood kids.  Not from home.

So I tried to do it different.  I didn't want my kids to be blindsided by not knowing what they didn't know.  

I wonder what parents are doing now?  I answered questions that were asked, with as much detail as they asked for, no more, no less.  I tried not to have an emotional response to any, because if they sensed anger, or upset, they might shut down the questions like I did as a kid.  There were things I didn't want them watching and I told them why.  With the world today, what are people telling their kids?

thoughts. 

50 more dates

I am taking today to really look inside and check on myself.  Do i reject men that are interested in me and show me?  Or are they really just nuts?

Mr. Racecar seemed SO even keel, so busy with his life and interests...so normal.  Even through most of the night he was funny, entertaining, talkative.  BUT

(i'm me, so of course i was ticking off a red flag list)

He interrupted me constantly.  He was more interested in telling me about himself than learning anything about me.

He was very touchy. Now.....some touchiness is acceptable because it shows interest.  But i've been on dates where it's mutual and natural. This didn't feel like that.  

This man can DRINK.  Not that i didn't expect that in a way, we sat there talking for 4 hours.  I had two drinks, with double shots, and he had a LOT more.  

So i became very aware.

Nothing is less fun than dealing with a drunk man who is full of himself at the end of the night. Although even with all that drinking he didn't appear to BE drunk.

Ah, so everything was goodish until we left and he walked me to my car.  Let the kissing commence.  It was mutual, i was curious.  But when i say it took me almost an hour more trying to leave without yelling in his face and me being acutely aware that he was dead serious about me coming back to his house......i'm not kidding.

I'm not a novice.  I know how to cajole and stroke a mans ego rather than set fire to his pride. Especially when alcohol is involved.  So I played the "i'm so tired, i've had so much fun, i can't wait to see you again" card.  That is not nice, nor is it a fail-safe, but you do what you have to do in the moment.

I am not saying that i felt threatened in any way.  I felt the POTENTIAL.  There's a difference.  

So we say goodnight 10 more times and leave.  I'm frozen.  I'm tired.  and now i get to drive an hour home. (as does he due to errors by both of us in planning)  

He proceeds to text me and then start calling me all the way home.  I could see the texts on the screen in my car so i knew he wasn't asking for help he was just continuing the night......so i ignored him.  I'm fucking driving, i just spent the last hour trying to go home and for GODS SAKE leave me alone.  

I didn't' take that as a good sign of me wanting to get to know him any better.  

When i got home i texted like i said i would and told him i was exhausted and going to bed.  Goodnight.

This man texted me ALL NIGHT up to 5:30am this morning.

He had a whole conversation all by himself about how wonderful we were going to be.

Those conversations i made sure to have with him about not being interested in a hook up OR an instant relationship?  Not heard apparently.  

Maybe i should be flattered and flustered that he's "so into" me.  But i'm not.  That is crazytown.  

He doesn't know ME.  He's excited about a woman that sat with him for 4 hours and listened to him talk about himself.

Am i mean?

I don't care.

I'm so done with being the woman who idolizes a man and he cant be bothered to know me at all.  I'm so done with men who don't ask me about myself.  Its indicative of what will come in  the relationship.  Those men don't care what you feel, or what your wants and needs are.  It's all about them.  And if you speak up, it's you "bitching".  NO THANK YOU.

Lessons i learned on this date:

Not driving an hour to meet anyone ever without knowing them.

Not staying four hours

Not leaving before they drink the whole bar

This year i am going to document my dating and the lessons i learn.  I fuck up a lot.  I need to do better.

Was this dates failure (which he seems to think is a huge success) all his fault?  No way.  I have to learn to stop being a people pleaser as a way to protect myself and get my ass out of a situation that looks like it may go south IMMEDIATELY.  

How was your Saturday night?

and away we go

 Second weekend in January, second first date of the year.

I'm about to leave to go meet Mr. Racecar.  We are meeting at a pub (all i requested was relaxed, and quiet where they wouldn't kick us out for staying too long).  If we hit it off we will head to the casino.

I'm excited.  I know.  Don't put the cart before the horse.  But so far, i like talking to him.  He's new but familiar in a lot of ways.  The car stuff.  Thats the kind of thing i'm used to. comfortable with.  It's the kind of men i'm comfortable with.

God knows i've spent enough time in garages. Maybe this time i'll get to be at the racing track WITH the racer.  

Wish me luck.  I'd hate to have to have 50 more first dates this year. 

Learning

Maybe i'm learning not to be so extreme.  You know, with the dating stuff.  Take it as it comes, have fun for as long as it is fun and then i guess the long term hope is that it turns into more.  

I know what it feels like, to want to grow with that person to feel excitement when you get to see them, to find yourself planning adventures you want to go on with them.  I know what it feels like when that person shares those feelings, and when they do not.

I needed to learn how to let go of what didn't serve my peace, my growth, my happiness.  What a lesson.  LESSONS.  I have no doubt i will learn more.  But reflection, understanding that more than half of what i blamed on others behaviors where MY responsibility, my own failure to not do what was best for me.

Because i never felt like i deserved anything good to happen to me.  To this day, I catch myself questioning "what do i bring to the table" "what makes me valuable to someone else" "why should i be the one chosen out of many"

Well.  Because i'm me.  I don't pretend to be anyone or anything else.  I'm flawed, i'm imperfect - and i know it.  I'm also someone who once i have attached to you, I will never not be there for you.  Yes, it takes me a long time to actually attach.  My children, My granddaughter, those are the only and will always be the only people I love unconditionally and with my whole heart no matter what.  BUT if i have attached to someone, even if they are no longer part of my life.....that's it, its' done.  I'm yours forever.  

Why have I dated so many men and while nothing romantic has come from this, I have developed lasting relationships with several?  Relationships that never would have developed if i had been in the confines of a committed partnership.  How often do people just go out and have drinks/coffee and talk talk talk for hours and finally leave not because there's nothing left to talk about but because you are goddamned tired.  

I can talk to anyone about anything if I try.  If i turn it on.  If i push myself.  That never used to be true.  I used to freeze, thinking no one would want to hear what i had to say, or that i would say something stupid, or wrong, or that people wouldn't LIKE me.  I was mute.  I had to know i was safe with you to talk.  I had to have that magic moment when i saw who you were and knew i loved you.

I call it moments of falling in love.  Not romantic love that is so complicated and nuanced, so much risk....but just love of a person.  It's like being hit upside the head, an "aha!" moment.  And then, thats it.  I'm in love with you.  You might piss me off, make me angry, or disappoint me, but you will NEVER get rid of me.  We might not talk for years or....ever again.  But I hold a piece of you in my heart and soul.  

I'm rambling. What i'm saying is that for me, falling in love with someone, be it friendship or romance, it's permanent.  It doesn't ever go away.  

Can people get full of love that isn't there to hold them?  I think so.  I think maybe i've held so much space in my heart for people who may no longer be part of my life that i'm scared to give any more of it away.  Maybe its the last bit of space?  

I'm being stingy.  And i want to be generous.  I want that last bit of space (if thats what it is) to be filled with the love of my life.  And i have hope.  I mean, I've given love to men who didn't treasure it, or want it, or need it....so this time.....I need to make sure i'm careful.  It's literally my last chance.

So- thats what is in my head - the voice that speaks to me when i think i'm doing okay.  I'm the only thing that holds me back.  I can't force someone to love or value me, but i CAN make myself available in order to find someone who does.

Let's talk about Mr. Racecar

 I admit it.  I am a little bit excited about meeting Mr. Racecar.  

He's younger- 53

He's taller, and bigger than me

He has tats, bald head and long beard

He builds cars/trucks and drag races - own his shop which is attached to his home.  ONE is a Camaro.  It sounds NASTY.

He lives an hour away

Now......here's what happens in my head:  What the hell could this man possibly see in me?  Why would he want to meet me? 

He- owns a Harley but hasn't ridden it in a few years due to a car accident that left him unable to walk again until recently.

He is a typical male in that some of his talk tries to lead me down the "lets talk about sex, baby, lets talk about you and me" side of things, which I have successfully diverted without him losing interest. I'm looking to date, to find the man I want to have a relationship with, not a situationship. And then I had to explain what a situationship is because he has only just started dating again, and he is old school.

I like that. Except.....wait till he finds out what a candy store the dating sites are.  I hope he isn't like that.  I hope he is what he seems to be.  A simple man, old school, traditional. 

And honestly, I like that he tries.  It's a good sign he still wants to be "active".  I run into men that only want that, or have completely lost interest because they have some malfunction.  I don't want either.  A nice happy medium with good "activity" and being able to spend time together and with friends is ideal.

He has friends!  I swear, I never knew this would be a problem.  It seems that many men have no friends.  Thats NOT something I want to date.

(That was last weeks date with "J".  He wanted to find his best friend with a woman....uh, I already have a best friend.  I need my man not someone who will be up my ass 24/7)

So......yeah.  I'm a little excited about meeting him this weekend.  

Yay. 

Hump day

I sometimes miss humping.  

But then I get over it.

To be a young girl again.....so excited to have him hold your hand, put his arm around you....will he kiss me?  

And now.........he better not EVEN try to kiss me.  I give off the biggest FUCK OFF energy at the end of the evening while standing at my car.  I can't help it.  These poor men.  I'm not sorry. 

Thanks life.

But I'm out here, doing the thing, meeting the men.  Sit and listen to them talk about themselves, let them tell me I'm pretty (I didn't ask) buy me a drink and tell me "get whatever you want" like I should jump up and down with excitement because I get to choose my own drink?  

What have men become?  What have I become?

Last spring I got whisked off my feet on a first date.  From the moment I sat down we bantered easily, teased each other, kept "accidentally" touching each other.  It wasn't forced, it wasn't creepy, it was completely natural.  It just........happened. I loved that connection, understanding, comfort level....I didn't think I would ever feel it again.

But I did, so I can.  That has been proven.  Current status, available for possibilities. 

Work has me running with my boss stepping down in June.  I had a literal meltdown when I found out - cried my eyes out.  I inappropriately texted him, a NeuroSurgeon and Chief of Staff, to tell him I didn't want him to go.  He responded with "I'm not going anywhere" - so I get to keep him as the Administrator of my program.  His program.  Our program.  This gives me confidence, but at the same time I know it won't be for long.  At least I will have him to myself to pick his brain and learn as much as I can.  I am truly honored to be in his presence.  He's a bit of a god to me. 

It would be wonderful if I could feel that way about a man I am dating.

It's funny because I've been told (in "exit interviews" haha) that I intimidate some men.  The ones who haven't been to college, or don't have a desk job- they think I'm "above" them.  Not all mind you- but I have been told this or a version of this more than once.  I read, so I'm smart?? WTF.  I read fiction and trash novels....so I don't have to be athletic.  Reading to me is a way to avoid life, escape from it.  The fact that I'm a complete nerd and love to research every little thing that interests me doesn't make me SMARTER than anyone else, especially since I can't REMEMBER half of what I read anymore.

I'm good at what I do because I've been doing it for over 20 years.  I adapt to my environment because I had to at an early age.  I've been on my own since the age of 16.....Its survival, not smart.  

I value a man who makes me feel safe.  

I remember planning to break up with my ex one winter early on in the relationship. He was talking to other women , blowing me off...etc.  I was done.  We were away in Vermont with a group of his friends.  There was an ice storm on our way back from a bar and the roads were a mess.  One of his friends had difficulty getting up the road and actually sideswiped a tree.  I sat silently stressing out in the back seat wondering how I was going to walk down a driveway on ice.....i am terrified of ice.  Some people are scared of bees, or spiders........for me it's ice.  We hadn't been getting along, and my experience with men had taught me when they are mad you are on your own.

Well......when his friend parked and we were getting out of the truck he waited for me, held on to me and got me down the driveway and into the house safely. He made sure I was safe, even though he was not happy with me at the moment.  

Not a big deal right?  He absolutely should have and I shouldn't have been surprised. Normal healthy people respond in this way.  But I had never BEEN taken care of in that way.  I had always been on my own, sink or swim.  Live or die.

I didn't break up with him.

So that's what I find lacking in the majority of men I have been meeting- They may have great jobs, they may be educated, or not.........but I don't feel safe.  I don't feel comfortable and at ease.  I don't feel like if world came to an end they would protect me.  

I felt it with my ex.  I felt it with Mr. Tattoo.  That is whats missing and it's not something they can tell me in their profiles.  So........date date date.  wahoo.  so. much. fucking. fun.

head spin

 Take 2 weeks off from your job and then come back.  See what happens on that first day.  I think I forgot to get coffee, pee, eat....I just DID at high speed from the minute I walked in.

It was an awesome day.

And now I've created some more work for myself which will actually end up saving me work in the long run....so there's that.

Yesterday, I talked about my female friends, and today, on the way to work, I was thinking about my male friends.  The ones who walk slower with me because they know I'm a poke, the ones who open doors and make sure I have a drink in hand at all times.  The ones who feed me, cook with me, talk with me from the male perspective.  The ones who check in on me, make sure I'm good when the weather is bad or they know I've been feeling blue. 

Not the ones who reach out and ask me if I need to get laid.  Seriously?

I kind of wish I could just erase those men.  I've tried.  I've ignored, blocked, told them I'm not interested and told them to fuck off.....some just don't quit.

Neither do I.  Once I'm done.  I'm done.  Once you have become "unsafe" by showing me exactly how much you value me.......you no longer exist.  Unless you are my ex, or Mr. Tattoo.  For some reason they still get a spot in my mind.  But I'm working on it.   

Why these men behave the way they do is because there are women that it works on.  They throw it out there until it sticks somewhere.  I'm not sure who I'm more pissed off at.  The women or the men.  It makes it so much more difficult for the rest of us.

Can you have male friends that you can trust?  The ones you can fall asleep around?  The ones you can be around even when they are intoxicated?  My experience is yes.  But then, I have hirer standards for my friends (male or female) than I do for any men I've ever dated.  I have "expectations".  Friends have each others back, you don't need protection from them.

It's not just men that betray friendships, I have experienced females I considered friends who turned out not to be.  Strange, but once someone has attempted to assault me I put them into the "not friends" category.  Who would have thought?  Yet, years later I still randomly hear from one who just can't seem to let it go.  

Your life becomes the people you surround yourself with, the support system you become and the one you rely on.  Friends need to be trusted, loved, and LIKED.......otherwise, why?  

So yes, I have male friends, not a lot, just enough.  I love them just as much as my female friends for different reasons.  I mean, most come with power tools...........

Is it better with our girlfriends?

A few years ago I went on a weekend trip with my daughter, my grandaughter, my friend and her grandson. A takeaway from that trip was how easy it was.  It was a kid focused trip and everything got taken care of without any of us (the adults) having to ask for it to be done, or ask for help.  We just worked in synch- knowing what needed to happen next and doing it.  Together.  

We even found time to have adult beverages and conversations once the littles went to bed.

I've been on many trips with men during my lifetime with and without children.  I'm not saying i didn't enjoy those trips......just that they were very different and a lot more work for me.  

Yesterday I spent the day with one of my girlfriends who i don't get to see very often.  She planned the day and i met her at her house.  We took a long lovely ride through gorgeous parts of Connecticut.  We caught up on whats been going on in our lives while we salivated over homes that come from storybooks.  We got out of the car to take a little walk in Washington Depot Connecticut, to take some pictures of the Henry David Thoreau Bridge.

It was not a sunny day and quite "nippy" so we made it a fast stop just to see the bridge (I haven't before and she knew i would love it).  There are trails to walk and its a beautiful area.  I will be back.  She had made a dinner reservation for us so our next stop was the White Horse Country Pub located in New Preston Connecticut. She really was very thoughtful about this day.  

We sat at the bar and I had my very first Mint Julep because i wanted a bourbon based cocktail.  It was quite good.  Fireplaces, History, dark wood and beautiful water views.....and the FOOD.  This pub has a full and detailed menu with delicious food making it hard to choose.  I ended up with beef bourguignon pot pie. (No, i cannot pronounce it) that was so insanely good I cannot wait to go back and try the shepherds pie.    

We had a wonderfully relaxed meal talking about life, what we want from it and making plans for a girls getaway weekend.  I so love her.  I value the time we get to spend together....except when it involves a lot of walking because she is a BEAST. 

After such a lovely day I almost cancelled my plans to meet "J" at a pool hall for a drink and conversation.  I appreciated his willingness to post pone the time because i was not willing to rush my day with my girlfriend.  He was good natured and obviously interested in meeting me so, as much as i wanted to go home and hibernate, i met him.  I'm glad i did. He is very nice.  I would enjoy getting to know him. In the past this is where I would start wondering when where and if he would ask me to see me again.  As it is now, I'm standing back and letting any men i meet do the work.  If he wants to know me, he will figure out how to make it happen.

He did say he would like to see me again, HOWEVER, I made sure to keep my distance at the end of the night when he walked me to my car.  This was a meet up, not a date. This is the new improved me who loves myself and my life and while i want a man in it, not just any man. 

I feel good, and i'm glad to get back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks off.  I want to enjoy the way i feel right now, and make it last - remind myself how lucky i am to have the life i do, how far i've come (even if there is still a long way to go) and I'm proud of myself for making this life by filling it with good people.  Hey, i even gave birth to two of them!  

lets see what happens

 This summer i learned a really big lesson.  I learned that i CAN have feelings for a man when I thought I never would again. Unfortunately for me, he did not return those feelings.

His loss.

Seriously.  I have talked to a lot of men, gone on a lot of dates, and i hear the same stories over and over.  It's not just us women that are struggling with dating in our 50's.  

I know i'm a catch.  I'm not a supermodel, but these men don't have supermodel wallets.  I'm not high maintenance but i take care of myself.  I am happy with small thoughtful genuine gestures more than grand gestures.  I'm loyal, honest, and faithful.  I'm a free spirit that prefers to laugh over being angry AND if i do get angry it never lasts long.  I just need time to myself. I don't care if i ever get married again.  I'm not looking for a man to take care of me financially.  I just want to be loved by the man i love.

What. A. Concept.

I can't speak for what men want.  I honestly think they want to want the same things and they just don't.  The ones i have dated want a caretaker, or a situationship.  They either are drowning in problems they haven't even begun to try and solve......or they hate the idea of only sleeping with one woman.  Some are so angry and bitter they don't even realize I'm not the woman that did them wrong.

I'm guilty of placing previous relationship issues in the forefront of how i approach men.  I realize I become very black or white.  Right or wrong. in how i view their actions, or lack of action.  I judge based on past experience instead of relying on the lessons i've learned about MYSELF.

I was easily persuaded into bed by Mr. Tattoo because i simply couldn't believe a man like him would be interested in me.  Thats the horrible truth.  And by being so easily seduced I took myself out of  consideration for a possible long term relationship.  He is traditional in all the good ways and women who jump into bed too soon are not relationship material.

I own that.

And i forgive myself.  I did what i did and followed his lead instead of holding my own.  This has been my problem with men for my entire life.  If I have an inkling of feeling for him, i fold to his will.  I want him happy.   I want him to want me back.

So that was a huge lesson the universe sent out to me.  Just because you have budding feelings for a man doesn't mean you lose yourself in him.

I think this time i got it because i paid the consequences for it.

With my ex boyfriend I lost my will because it was more peaceful that way.  Because if i had really drawn the line, had boundaries of ANY kind with him, our relationship would have ended before it began.  Its not that he isn't a good guy.  He was never serious about me in the 13 years we were together.  It was convenience for him.  I was a good woman to him.  And i had a lot of fun with him, as long as it was his idea and his way.  

I'm not trying to slam anyone.  I think the men i had relationships with have all been just as fucked up as I was, am.  Our demons just played nicely with each other until they didn't anymore. The difference is i've taken the time to get to know my demons intimately.  And they no longer run the show. 

Recently I listened to someone say "you can't say the wrong thing to the right person". And that has been replaying in my mind.  It's very simple.  Of course there are exceptions, however......it's true.  The right man will understand my need to analyse just about everything, he will be patient with me because he will want me to happy too.  The right man will appreciate the things i do for him because he will see that I do those things to take care of him, to make his life easier.  Not because i have to.  The right man will laugh at my corny wishes because he also has corny wishes......on and on, you get the point.  

I just haven't met the right man for me.  And i'm not going to find him in my living room playing my switch and certainly not at work.  So......I have to put myself out there.

As much as i hate and hopefully will not regret it, i created a dating profile. Tonight i'm meeting a man for a drink and a chat.  He will be a fit or he will not be.  If i think he is, and he is interested in getting to actually know me then we take it from there.  I'm not the same woman i was the last time i did this.  I haven't been on a dating site in years.  The last men i dated were either a set up or a reconnect from days gone by.  

I will not lose myself with the desire to be wanted.  I will be 100% myself, with my whole being.  I am my own best friend and that is who will be meeting these men to vet them out.  

I'd ask for luck except i don't believe that will have anything to do with meeting "him".  It's going to take patience, confidence and a sense of humor.  

This should be interesting. 

do it anyways

 One thing i used to love doing with a partner was to get in the car and just go somewhere random on a nice day.  See where the road took us.  Find somewhere new to us.

So today, i did it even though I did it alone.

And i still had a nice time.

My morning started off with me trying to figure out what i wanted to do with my last day off from work.  I was scrolling through TikTok and I follow a woman who goes to all the thrift stores in New England.  Today I watched her pick up food she had ordered from an app called "Too good to go".  Participating restaurants put together goodie bags, mostly day old food or leftovers, and sell them at drastically reduced prices.  You have no idea what you are getting.  It's a risk.  It's an adventure.  So I downloaded and opened the app to see what was available within a reasonable distance from me and ordered TWO goodie bags......one from two different places in the same town.

Then i took a shower like a normal human, and got dressed to go out.  The restaurants were about 1/2 an hour away and i had to drive through Hartford to get there.  The traffic wasn't bad and the locations were easy to find.  All went well.  I cannot believe the amount of food i got for a grand total of $10 and all of it pretty much went into my freezer.  

I went to two places i haven't been before and got "surprise" food without a lot of risk.  It was kind of fun and it got me out of the house.

As i was driving home it occurred to me that there was a time when the thought of driving through Hartford gave me a panic attack. In high school i was friends with a girl who drove herself to Boston every weekend and i thought she was literally wonder woman.  8 years ago i drove myself to New York for the first  time by myself and ever since then i've lost my fear of driving.  I go wherever i want now.  I never thought i would be that person......to drive far away by myself, to eat in restaurants by myself, to go to movies by myself.

For the longest time i have waited for that special guy to do it all with and it has finally occurred to me to stop waiting for other people.  If i want to go, i'm going.  If no one else wants to, I'm going to do it anyways.

<3

Happy New Year 2025

 It doesn't feel any different, 2025.  I don't feel any older.

But it is different, and i am older.  Hello 57.  I'm glad to meet you. We are going to have a great year.

I've taken the time to be purposely alone and not only have i survived it with no injuries, i've actually enjoyed it.  

When I give myself time to stand back, feeling no need to act immediately, no sense of urgency.....when i can just view peoples actions with no perceived outcomes, no projections, just open eyes and ears.....without my own colors changing the way I think people feel......life is easier.

Let people do their thing.  They always show you who they are without your input.  You don't even need to ask questions.  They only share what they want to anyway.

I don't need any more than what i have.  I don't want any more than what i need.  

Who I am and what I have, what my dreams are.....that's only for me to judge.  I put myself out on a platter for uncaring people to judge, and i took to heart what those people said to me.

It's not easy to keep peace with yourself.  Especially when my self has been made up of all the voices in my past.....the voices who are not even in my present.  So i've cleaned house so to speak.  The negative self talk, the feeling of not being good enough, blah blah blah, all of that babble does not belong to me.  I won't own it anymore.

My children, my grandchild, my friends, and my boss......all of these people mean something in my life and these are the voices I give weight to moving forward.  People on the periphery of my life don't get a piece of me. My doors are closed, shop is closed, peace is kept safe.

I put myself out in  the open and gave people the right to peck away, to steal parts of me that should have been kept protected.  This year I will do better.

Goals for 2025

Protect my peace. Grow.  Thrive.

Happy New Year.