Doctors and age

 I am so used to going to different doctors for different ailments now that it's got to be official.....i'm over the hill.  There is a pill for this and a pill for that........and i still can't seem to get a good nights sleep.

I do all the things.  and yet i still toss and turn and reach out.

I thought of a thing i miss.  I miss that presence in the bed next to me.  i miss being able to reach out and touch another human and know that i am safe.  Or curl up against a back, or touch feet.  even for a moment.  That was very calming.

Sometimes it wasn't.  Sometimes it was being sworn at in the middle of the night too. 

Can't forget that part even if it's convenient.

Now.......i literally can't stand sleeping with a man next to me.  I did sleep well with Mr. Tatto, but he kept to his side of a king size bed and never seemed to move a muscle unless it was to reach out and touch me.

I've had other men in my bed, and couldn't wait for them to get out.  Go away.  Shut. up. don't touch me.

just.  stop.

I've been trying to figure out the difference.  Why him but not others?  Why my ex but not others?  These two men are nothing alike, aside from THC.  Otherwise, nothing alike at ALL.  Yet, i got insanely attached to both in a short period of time.

Why?

If i could figure that out, i would save myself and men i date a lot of time.

Doctors appointment this morning, had a nice long talk with my provider.  I have been with her for years.  We reviewed my year, my health, my mental health.......whats going on with this country.  My constant unease and anxiety.  I feel like a raw wound around people, always waiting for the fights to begin, the different ideologies to be spoken loudly.  I fall down the rabbit hole at night, watching horrible videos....I  can't stand it.  

So.......maybe it's not so bad to tuck myself into a book of fiction at night and remove myself from the world.  Escape.  Breathe.  

But sometimes, i really wish i had a strong back next to me in the night.