Learning

Maybe i'm learning not to be so extreme.  You know, with the dating stuff.  Take it as it comes, have fun for as long as it is fun and then i guess the long term hope is that it turns into more.  

I know what it feels like, to want to grow with that person to feel excitement when you get to see them, to find yourself planning adventures you want to go on with them.  I know what it feels like when that person shares those feelings, and when they do not.

I needed to learn how to let go of what didn't serve my peace, my growth, my happiness.  What a lesson.  LESSONS.  I have no doubt i will learn more.  But reflection, understanding that more than half of what i blamed on others behaviors where MY responsibility, my own failure to not do what was best for me.

Because i never felt like i deserved anything good to happen to me.  To this day, I catch myself questioning "what do i bring to the table" "what makes me valuable to someone else" "why should i be the one chosen out of many"

Well.  Because i'm me.  I don't pretend to be anyone or anything else.  I'm flawed, i'm imperfect - and i know it.  I'm also someone who once i have attached to you, I will never not be there for you.  Yes, it takes me a long time to actually attach.  My children, My granddaughter, those are the only and will always be the only people I love unconditionally and with my whole heart no matter what.  BUT if i have attached to someone, even if they are no longer part of my life.....that's it, its' done.  I'm yours forever.  

Why have I dated so many men and while nothing romantic has come from this, I have developed lasting relationships with several?  Relationships that never would have developed if i had been in the confines of a committed partnership.  How often do people just go out and have drinks/coffee and talk talk talk for hours and finally leave not because there's nothing left to talk about but because you are goddamned tired.  

I can talk to anyone about anything if I try.  If i turn it on.  If i push myself.  That never used to be true.  I used to freeze, thinking no one would want to hear what i had to say, or that i would say something stupid, or wrong, or that people wouldn't LIKE me.  I was mute.  I had to know i was safe with you to talk.  I had to have that magic moment when i saw who you were and knew i loved you.

I call it moments of falling in love.  Not romantic love that is so complicated and nuanced, so much risk....but just love of a person.  It's like being hit upside the head, an "aha!" moment.  And then, thats it.  I'm in love with you.  You might piss me off, make me angry, or disappoint me, but you will NEVER get rid of me.  We might not talk for years or....ever again.  But I hold a piece of you in my heart and soul.  

I'm rambling. What i'm saying is that for me, falling in love with someone, be it friendship or romance, it's permanent.  It doesn't ever go away.  

Can people get full of love that isn't there to hold them?  I think so.  I think maybe i've held so much space in my heart for people who may no longer be part of my life that i'm scared to give any more of it away.  Maybe its the last bit of space?  

I'm being stingy.  And i want to be generous.  I want that last bit of space (if thats what it is) to be filled with the love of my life.  And i have hope.  I mean, I've given love to men who didn't treasure it, or want it, or need it....so this time.....I need to make sure i'm careful.  It's literally my last chance.

So- thats what is in my head - the voice that speaks to me when i think i'm doing okay.  I'm the only thing that holds me back.  I can't force someone to love or value me, but i CAN make myself available in order to find someone who does.