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Hump day

I sometimes miss humping.  

But then I get over it.

To be a young girl again.....so excited to have him hold your hand, put his arm around you....will he kiss me?  

And now.........he better not EVEN try to kiss me.  I give off the biggest FUCK OFF energy at the end of the evening while standing at my car.  I can't help it.  These poor men.  I'm not sorry. 

Thanks life.

But I'm out here, doing the thing, meeting the men.  Sit and listen to them talk about themselves, let them tell me I'm pretty (I didn't ask) buy me a drink and tell me "get whatever you want" like I should jump up and down with excitement because I get to choose my own drink?  

What have men become?  What have I become?

Last spring I got whisked off my feet on a first date.  From the moment I sat down we bantered easily, teased each other, kept "accidentally" touching each other.  It wasn't forced, it wasn't creepy, it was completely natural.  It just........happened. I loved that connection, understanding, comfort level....I didn't think I would ever feel it again.

But I did, so I can.  That has been proven.  Current status, available for possibilities. 

Work has me running with my boss stepping down in June.  I had a literal meltdown when I found out - cried my eyes out.  I inappropriately texted him, a NeuroSurgeon and Chief of Staff, to tell him I didn't want him to go.  He responded with "I'm not going anywhere" - so I get to keep him as the Administrator of my program.  His program.  Our program.  This gives me confidence, but at the same time I know it won't be for long.  At least I will have him to myself to pick his brain and learn as much as I can.  I am truly honored to be in his presence.  He's a bit of a god to me. 

It would be wonderful if I could feel that way about a man I am dating.

It's funny because I've been told (in "exit interviews" haha) that I intimidate some men.  The ones who haven't been to college, or don't have a desk job- they think I'm "above" them.  Not all mind you- but I have been told this or a version of this more than once.  I read, so I'm smart?? WTF.  I read fiction and trash novels....so I don't have to be athletic.  Reading to me is a way to avoid life, escape from it.  The fact that I'm a complete nerd and love to research every little thing that interests me doesn't make me SMARTER than anyone else, especially since I can't REMEMBER half of what I read anymore.

I'm good at what I do because I've been doing it for over 20 years.  I adapt to my environment because I had to at an early age.  I've been on my own since the age of 16.....Its survival, not smart.  

I value a man who makes me feel safe.  

I remember planning to break up with my ex one winter early on in the relationship. He was talking to other women , blowing me off...etc.  I was done.  We were away in Vermont with a group of his friends.  There was an ice storm on our way back from a bar and the roads were a mess.  One of his friends had difficulty getting up the road and actually sideswiped a tree.  I sat silently stressing out in the back seat wondering how I was going to walk down a driveway on ice.....i am terrified of ice.  Some people are scared of bees, or spiders........for me it's ice.  We hadn't been getting along, and my experience with men had taught me when they are mad you are on your own.

Well......when his friend parked and we were getting out of the truck he waited for me, held on to me and got me down the driveway and into the house safely. He made sure I was safe, even though he was not happy with me at the moment.  

Not a big deal right?  He absolutely should have and I shouldn't have been surprised. Normal healthy people respond in this way.  But I had never BEEN taken care of in that way.  I had always been on my own, sink or swim.  Live or die.

I didn't break up with him.

So that's what I find lacking in the majority of men I have been meeting- They may have great jobs, they may be educated, or not.........but I don't feel safe.  I don't feel comfortable and at ease.  I don't feel like if world came to an end they would protect me.  

I felt it with my ex.  I felt it with Mr. Tattoo.  That is whats missing and it's not something they can tell me in their profiles.  So........date date date.  wahoo.  so. much. fucking. fun.







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