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lets see what happens

 This summer i learned a really big lesson.  I learned that i CAN have feelings for a man when I thought I never would again. Unfortunately for me, he did not return those feelings.

His loss.

Seriously.  I have talked to a lot of men, gone on a lot of dates, and i hear the same stories over and over.  It's not just us women that are struggling with dating in our 50's.  

I know i'm a catch.  I'm not a supermodel, but these men don't have supermodel wallets.  I'm not high maintenance but i take care of myself.  I am happy with small thoughtful genuine gestures more than grand gestures.  I'm loyal, honest, and faithful.  I'm a free spirit that prefers to laugh over being angry AND if i do get angry it never lasts long.  I just need time to myself. I don't care if i ever get married again.  I'm not looking for a man to take care of me financially.  I just want to be loved by the man i love.

What. A. Concept.

I can't speak for what men want.  I honestly think they want to want the same things and they just don't.  The ones i have dated want a caretaker, or a situationship.  They either are drowning in problems they haven't even begun to try and solve......or they hate the idea of only sleeping with one woman.  Some are so angry and bitter they don't even realize I'm not the woman that did them wrong.

I'm guilty of placing previous relationship issues in the forefront of how i approach men.  I realize I become very black or white.  Right or wrong. in how i view their actions, or lack of action.  I judge based on past experience instead of relying on the lessons i've learned about MYSELF.

I was easily persuaded into bed by Mr. Tattoo because i simply couldn't believe a man like him would be interested in me.  Thats the horrible truth.  And by being so easily seduced I took myself out of  consideration for a possible long term relationship.  He is traditional in all the good ways and women who jump into bed too soon are not relationship material.

I own that.

And i forgive myself.  I did what i did and followed his lead instead of holding my own.  This has been my problem with men for my entire life.  If I have an inkling of feeling for him, i fold to his will.  I want him happy.   I want him to want me back.

So that was a huge lesson the universe sent out to me.  Just because you have budding feelings for a man doesn't mean you lose yourself in him.

I think this time i got it because i paid the consequences for it.

With my ex boyfriend I lost my will because it was more peaceful that way.  Because if i had really drawn the line, had boundaries of ANY kind with him, our relationship would have ended before it began.  Its not that he isn't a good guy.  He was never serious about me in the 13 years we were together.  It was convenience for him.  I was a good woman to him.  And i had a lot of fun with him, as long as it was his idea and his way.  

I'm not trying to slam anyone.  I think the men i had relationships with have all been just as fucked up as I was, am.  Our demons just played nicely with each other until they didn't anymore. The difference is i've taken the time to get to know my demons intimately.  And they no longer run the show. 

Recently I listened to someone say "you can't say the wrong thing to the right person". And that has been replaying in my mind.  It's very simple.  Of course there are exceptions, however......it's true.  The right man will understand my need to analyse just about everything, he will be patient with me because he will want me to happy too.  The right man will appreciate the things i do for him because he will see that I do those things to take care of him, to make his life easier.  Not because i have to.  The right man will laugh at my corny wishes because he also has corny wishes......on and on, you get the point.  

I just haven't met the right man for me.  And i'm not going to find him in my living room playing my switch and certainly not at work.  So......I have to put myself out there.

As much as i hate and hopefully will not regret it, i created a dating profile. Tonight i'm meeting a man for a drink and a chat.  He will be a fit or he will not be.  If i think he is, and he is interested in getting to actually know me then we take it from there.  I'm not the same woman i was the last time i did this.  I haven't been on a dating site in years.  The last men i dated were either a set up or a reconnect from days gone by.  

I will not lose myself with the desire to be wanted.  I will be 100% myself, with my whole being.  I am my own best friend and that is who will be meeting these men to vet them out.  

I'd ask for luck except i don't believe that will have anything to do with meeting "him".  It's going to take patience, confidence and a sense of humor.  

This should be interesting. 






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