Chat GPT and AI

 I don't know how i feel about this.

I use AI at work because it saves me time and it has actually taught me where my weakness is in writing..i get kind of thrilled when i copy a letter i wrote into it and there are very little changes.  So, professionally, i'm learning from it.

Sometimes i copy a blog i wrote and have AI give me feedback.  Not on the writing, which is just a brain flush of free writing....but the thoughts behind it.  Recently i realized i could change the tone, and have AI stop being so correct and polite with me, and sound more blunt.  Point out the inconsistantcies in my thoughts....

That has been an eye opener.

During my week out of work sick in bed with no one bothering me, it was easy to remain detached.  I had a little struggle with not reaching out to men in my previous life...but i was able to maintain and control my impulses.

AI pointed out that it was easy to remain strong when there is no conflict.  

So that gives me the heads up to not feel quite so satisfied with my "growth" because it honestly hasn't been tested yet.  

My tailbone is screaming at me.  I won't go to the doctors because, what are they gonna do?  Nothing.  I just have to wait it out.  Yesterday after work i managed my whole neighborhood walk at a pretty good clip.  I like walking into all the little areas and around the backs of the buildings and getting a different view of the man made lakes.......lots of moss.  If it's not pouring rain today i may take some moss because i saw a really cool thing to do with it....for a fairy garden. I like to look at what people are doing with the front and back of their small yard space.  Its giving me ideas.  

I have to ask the man upstairs if he is going to do his garden this year.  If, not.......i would like to have some fun with this area.  A fairy garden.within a garden.  Wild flowers AND tomatoes.....why not?  

This week is gonna tire me out at work- being out for a week was not ideal. One thing at a time.  Thats all i can do.

back from the dead..ish

 I thought after a week of bed and rest i'd be all set for Monday morning and yet here i sit....feeling nauseous and a bit nervous about farts i cannot trust.

Isn't that sexy?

Well i'm back in it, ready or not.  

I fought with myself all weekend not to send a text to Bill.  This should be a non-issue. Yet, the temptation is there.  But i held fast.  Just like when i quit smoking.  The urge comes and goes to this very day, and i do NOT pick up a cigarette.  Same with Bill.

After blocking mr. cranky I am officially not talking to any men.  wooohoo.  Lets see how long i can keep that streak up.  

I want attention.

Affection.

Love.

And none of that is gonna happen wasting time in shitholes like online dating sites.

The plan is to make a plan.  I would like to join a book club.  A ceramics class. or an adult education class that is just for fun.  That will get me out of the house, and meeting new people in general, not specifically men.  It will give me something to look forward to that i can do by myself, out of the house.

I should just pay the Elks membership but that, for several reasons i don't feel like talking about here, is no longer a viable plan.  I dont feel comfy going by myself.  And it's to drink.  Which, i also do not do by myself..........among a plethora of other reasons I just don't want to.

I will find my niche.  I just have to keep looking.  

That rebounder literally kicked my ass.  My whole ass hurts along with my tailbone, which i think i might have bruised if not broke when i fell down full force on the damn router. Made me think about men that show up in the ER with stories about "falling" onto objects.....ehem.  I'm just glad the thing didn't get lodged up my butt.  My poor tailbone though.  

10 minutes a day (total) on the rebounder will make a visible difference, so i'm told.  I can do that.  

What i can't seem to do is the hula hoop.  I try every day and every day i fail.  Someday it will magically come.  i hope.  Because between the hoop and the jumping, i may just be able to be mildly fit.

That trail is waiting for me.  I hope i don't get lost on it.

It's too bad Bill can't be there to watch me do it with no tears.  His loss.  My achievement.  

I almost texted Carlos as a distraction this weekend.  I didn't do that either.  Or Darryl.  No attention from men who disregarded me.  They are in the past.

I'm looking toward the future and i need to stay strong.  I'm getting there.  

take care of home

i purchased a used rebounder that is basically brand new a couple of weeks ago.  It's much bigger than i thought it would be and my concern is that if i don't have it out, i won't use it.  So i rearranged my bedroom and now i have a place to sleep/dress/work out.  I can leave everything out because all i have to do is close the door.

You know, in case anyone ever actually visits me.

I have to get the rebounder from my friends house where i left it when i couldn't fit it in my car because i was not smart enough to break it down.  long story.  

Now that i have room for my equipment i dragged out my yoga accessories and gave it a good restorative workout last night.  It felt quite literally amazing.  My room feels peaceful, restful and it has gone from being a place i wish i shared to a place that is purely for me and me alone.

And it feels like heaven.

It feels like home.

Oh, i heard from cranky pants at 10:30pm last night.  He texted me asking if he could come over for birthday sex.  I told him it wasn't my birthday and i blocked him.  Why do men think they can talk to anyone like that, let alone a woman they've never met?  Imagine what in person would be like?  

So yesterday was a big clearing of the male energy out of my life day.  Maybe thats why i feel so good today?  In spite of still recovering from the flu.  

Between clearing out my home, methodically going through drawers and closets throwing away things that don't serve me, and clearing out my emotional back pack of men that haven't earned their place in my life.........AND losing weight and exercising because it's good for me, makes me stronger and FEELS GOOD........I am finally feeling truly centered and at peace with my choices.

I don't know what is coming down the pike, but i do know that i will handle it.  Life is going to continue to change, and i will roll with it while taking care of myself.  Maybe i won't have a job on July 1st - but MAYBE it will just look very different.  I'm used to change.  Change is good.  I can still be invested, i can still learn and grow and add something important to any role that i am in.  I just have to get out of my own way and allow myself to do it.

After a week off from work, being by myself and having all this time to think and reflect (oh and poop a lot) I'm in a good place.  I'm ready.

I still can't watch the news without having to turn it off after a couple of minutes.  I may have finally gotten my life together just in time for the world to end.  

Proud of myself

 Maybe i have actually learned that I am happy by myself.  I watch a woman on tiktok who lists off the reasons she is happy to be single and live alone.  I laugh out loud when i listen to her because she hits it right on the head.

Today, not having beard hair in the sink.....that's the one that had me laughing.  Every single man i've dated has beard hair in his sink.  Not Carlos.  He was the exception.  But even mr neat and tidy perfect man Bill had those little cut hairs in his bathroom sink.  I remember rolling my eyes when i saw that.  Not so perfect, eh?

It's small things like that.  That will drive a woman up a wall.  

If all i've been wishing for is peace........i have it.  Sometimes its quiet.  Sometimes i wish for a companion.  And then i date a little bit and it just doesn't balance out.  I have yet to meet a man that makes giving up my singledom worth it.

Bill wanted me to give things up for him, to prove my loyalty to him.  He wanted me to not go on that cruise and he punished me for doing it anyways.  So stupid.  Mr. Rich couldn't buy a ticket and join me?  No?  well that didn't mean i was cancelling.  

And for that, i'm proud of myself.

I used to be that girl.  I would cancel plans with a girlfriend to go out with a man who asked me at the last minute.  It never felt good.  I thought that was what i had to do.  Show loyalty. ha.  

No one is more loyal than your girlfriends.  

Bill tried to goad me into a conversation today because i asked why he didn't just throw away the key like i had asked?  He said okay, no prob.  Then a little while later he sent me a picture of the key.  Then he said "if thats what you really want".

I didn't respond.  I was not successfully baited into interacting with him.  I told him to throw it away more than once.  I won't say it again.  I won't engage with him.  He just wants attention.  

Yes, i feel pulled.  But my brain is making the decisions now.  Not my nervous system, not my need to be kissed passionately and deeply.......not the need to be desired.  Because that is all very temporary.  It's a conquest.  I know better.  So while my body responds to what it knows, my brain reminds me of what IT knows.  I'm taking care of myself.

Haven't heard from Mr Cranky and i must say, i'm relieved.  It's nice not to check my phone for my fix of attention.  I am as bad as Bill...... i like my attention.  

I'm just finding that no attention is better than fake.  No attention is better when it comes with peace.

Maybe someday i'll meet someone.  Or maybe not.  I can't make it my focus. Not anymore.

Flu bayou

 Last weekend i worked an estate sale for two days and felt "off"....I kept running to the bathroom.  Not gonna give details, but, thank god there was a window.  

I thought it was a nervous stomach.  

Sunday night i met someone for dinner- and promptly decided that I was done dating.  I hate sitting across from a man who is so excited and happy that i am not a troll- and who starts talking about all the things we are going to do, when i know it's not going to happen.  I always offer to pay my part.  He declined, walked me to my car, gave me a nice hug and tried to aim for a kiss........which i successfully dodged as i jumped into my car.

My stomach was hurting.  I thought it was because i was going to have to tell this very nice man that it was a no go.

I had muscles.  

That could be it.

But......by the time i got home i was running to the bathroom and it was coming out both ends.  Not nerves then.  Must be the muscles.......

Yesterday i finally stopped vomiting.  So at least that part is done.  My butt is raw and that is with the nice wipes.  I think i've lost 20lbs in water weight and i'm not sure how i'm not completely dehydrated.  I've been drinking constantly, slowly, little sips all day and night.  

Last night i made cutlets and a baked potato.  It took me two hours to eat it all.  First the chicken, then the potato.  I was a nervous wreck about what would happen but i was actually hungry. 

So far so good.  I run to the bathroom every hour now instead of every 15 minutes.  

I did tell the nice man that we weren't a match when he inquired about my health.  He took it well.  Said thank you for being honest.  There was no attraction to him AT ALL on my part.  He seemed worldly, we had a lot in common but he showed up in a concert t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.  And then told me that was all he ever wears.

I don't want to date a man child. no matter how nice he is.

So i promptly took myself off FB dating.  I am still talking to mr. cranky pants the CO.  He reappears after a day or so.  He's entertaining.  He also, will not turn into anything. 

Last night i saw a message from Bill in FB messenger.  I didn't look at it for hours.  I thought "ignore it".  But how.  So i opened it.  because curiosity killed the cat.  He didn't ask, he told me he is going to drop off my key friday.  That enough time has passed that i should be okay.

What a cocksucker.

I did not respond until this morning.  I said "why not just throw it away as i requested?"

Of course i didn't sleep well last night because he is a fever dream. 

Here's the bottom line.  When i engage with him, he charms me.  When i see him, his lips end up on my lips.  He is dangerous to my mental health.

He is also a coward.  He fucks with women's heads and emotions as a hobby.  Does he do it on purpose?  Don't know, don't care.  He does it.  He has a recognizable cycle.  I knew he would be back because he never goes away.  Not from any woman he's been with.  

He wasn't overly nice to me.  He made my nervous system kinetic.  He was like a live wire being shoved up my ass.  

I'm not the same person.  He actually taught me how to self regulate in self defense to his games.  I am capable of standing back and not investing.  Thank you Bill.  

I don't want the life i would have with him, always picking on me and how i do things.  Always knowing better than me and everyone else.  The lying, the cheating, the game playing......the cruelty.  The fact that i kept going back said more about me than him.  I thought i deserved him. 

I don't.  

His words are empty, mostly lies to manipulate.  He has nothing to offer, not even a good fuck.  When i was with him i felt like less than him, as he wanted it.  The reality is that i am way more than he deserves or can handle.  I always have been.  I can love someone.  I don't think he is capable because he doesn't love himself.  Matter of fact, i feel like he hates himself.

Also, not my problem.

If he shows up with the key (because the chance of that happening is slim to none, he just wants me to anxiously await his arrival which won't happen because something else will come up.  His games are predictable.) So if he does, i'll take it and let him say his things.  I have nothing to say.  Not even thank you. 

You can't teach a man how to be decent.  But you can decide not to give him any of your energy. 

take note

 Yesterday BOTH (only two right now) men told me they were only talking to me.  I didn't ask.  I did tell them that i was dating.  And dropped it.

One, the crusty older one who is a corrections officer, took a few shots - teasing or passive aggressive?  Don't know.  I haven't met him, or even talked to him on the phone.  Jealousy seems impossible.

The other, younger, Big truck driver, passed over it......and continued talking about different restaurants and food, etc.  He talks more about the things he'd like us to do, places, activities- a little bit of flirting thrown in but nothing over the top.  We have a lot in common and there's a lot of things we both like to do. (Thrifting being a big one)

Crusty talks about sex.  Not over the top, but it's his focus.  Hasn't really asked me any personal questions.....or given too much about himself up.  Beyond discussing work and what "open minded" is......not too much.  I have no idea what he does with his free time, if he rents, or owns, has kids- He's pretty bottled up.

So the younger one wants to know me, and Crusty wants to fuck me.

I still review my "likes" on fb dating.  still match, with a very little percentage that take the time to actually reach out with a message.  I don't reach out.  I respond with the same energy they give but i respond to all.  This. Is. Dating.  A job.  

I feel pretty lucky to be talking to two men.  Young trucker asked me out for this weekend but i will be in Milford all weekend.  Crusty has danced around asking me out........could be married.  Can't think of any other reason he wouldn't ask me.

But who can tell?

Last night i tore out the big closet again and put all my craft stuff back in.  I have to organize it better, and throw stuff out- probably tonight or next week.  I'm really trying to de-clutter my home and my life.  Make it simple and clean.......easy.  It's hard to throw away crafting items because i think of all the money i spent and the projects i planned on doing.....and never do.

So the clean out continues.  

The difference

 I think i understand the concept of talking to many, and dating a few.  I'm not currently sleeping with any! lol  No plans to either.

It makes one man less intense.  The focus is more spread out, and you start to notice who is interested and who is breadcrumbing.  You see it from a birds eye view.  It IS less personal and perhaps it should be.  Instead of focusing and paying so much attention to one man, if he's calling, if he's asked you out, if he is flakey............it just automatically shows up in comparison.

This is the way to do it.  Take your time, talk to a few guys and see who is serious and who just wants attention. 

Work is exploding and i'm trying to find my sweet spot, where i can do the best and be indispensable. In other words i'm all over the place, jack of all trades.  Hoping everything will settle when the fiscal year turns and they HAVE to figure out who is paying me, if at all.

Last night I came home and had every intention of putting the laudry i did on Saturday, away.  Instead, i started rearranging furniture and wall decorations again.......made some changes i've been thinking about and now i have to fix holes in the wall.  I think i'll buy some peel and stick wallpaper for one wall in the dining room, and paint the rest which includes the living room.  I can have the windows open all day soon so i'm going to start looking.

Yes, it's an apartment, but i've been going through a major change of style.  I want to have less, but still feel cozy.  Purposeful.  

I owe everyone money, so getting that big girl matching bedroom set isn't happening any time soon, but paint and wallpaper?  that i can do.

I'm going to be here at least 10 more years, if i manage to keep my job. 

my old tendencies

 Bill is sniffing around again.  Not for any love of me i'm sure, but for the reassurance that I still care.

I do care.  I don't know why, but i do.  I could sit and analyze myself, but why put any more time into him?  It's not going to work between us.  It's over.  He's like an addiction.  If i have contact with him once, i'll be right back to the Bill addiction.

And i keep wondering......why???

But like i said.  No more time wasted on a man who didn't know how to tell the truth, played head games, and wasted my time.  When i called him a coward i meant it.  

“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley.

I'm sorry i had to understand that quote first hand.

It just tells me that men like Bill have existed forever, and always will.  Women like me need to avoid them.  He's not "different".  He's not "original".  He's like many men before him and many men that will come after him.  

The fact that he texted me on Valentines day to "wish me the best" and now he's hearting my profile picture on facebook.........he has no regard for my wish that he disappear from my life.  It will always be about him, his needs, what he wants.  He will never consider what he does when he plays with womens emotions.  

What goes around comes around.  Someday he will meet the wrong one.  Glad i'm not gonna be around to witness it.

On to more interesting topics.........

Pete from FB dating is looking promising.  He is a good conversationalist, is interested in knowing about me, seems open to telling me about himself.  He suggested going for a bike ride and i told him i don't know how.  He quickly said "we will have to get you a trike"......and i liked that response.   He has asked to take me out this weekend, but i already have a full weekend planned.  I told him i'm helping with a tag sale in Milford and joked that he should come buy stuff.  He said he loves tag sales and he would do that.

So he is scoring high with me.

The other one is Timmy.  He's a CO on the 5th floor where i work.  He doesn't technically work for the hospital.  However, he does work here.  So i'm cautious.  He works third shift so we wouldn't have contact but it still feels a bit close.  Also, I think he's looking for a hook up.  He doesn't ask me any  questions about myself, he hasn't asked to meet me, and this morning he asked if he could come get in bed with me.

So that seems pretty obvious.  I'll entertain him for as long as it's interesting.  

I'm still on the damn dating site, and i plan on staying on it until i meet someone, and they show me consistent interest.  No more dating one man at a time, unless thats all i am talking to at the moment.  It's not their business.  It keeps me not so available and makes me keep a clear head.

Thats the plan anyways.  

Is it good or bad or does it not matter

I had a whole conversation with Darryl over the weekend and also with Carlos.  

My bestie would have a cow if she knew i'm in contact with either one.  Thats why i don't tell her.

It's really no one's business.  Even yours. (assuming anyone else reads this)

I spent many years with Darryl.  Good, bad, ugly.....we know each other very well.  And now that we aren't together, we can be brutally honest with no consequence to the relationship.  It's not like someone is gonna end up on the couch.  I feel there is love there, tainted, but there.  We were never meant to be together forever.  We probably stayed together entirely too long.  But .......we know each other and there is a comfort in that.

So sometimes we talk, and he tests the waters on if he can get some (he IS a man) and that gets shot down because i can't even imagine that.  Don't WANT to imagine that.  Nope.  He's my friend, kind of.  I can't talk to him about men except vaguely; he doesn't want to hear it.  I try to lift him, but he has to do that on his own now.  The man can do it, he just doesn't.  

Carlos?  I was able to ask him why not me?  What made me undateable?  Because really, thats been the burning question in my mind.  He told me he just wasn't in love with me.  and that it wasn't fair.  He described me as "crazy, sexy, fun"........and I don't think thats a bad description.  Pretty accurate.  Maybe if i hadn't of pushed it we would have had time for him to see my heart, my serious side.....it just wasn't meant to be.  As much as i thought he was hidden from me, i was hidden from him as well.

It's scary to put your self out there.  So be crazy, sexy fun because who doesn't enjoy that?  right?

Why have i never reached out to my ex husband?  Because i don't value his opinion.  Because i have no love for him.  He probably didn't do it on purpose but he did a great job of destroying my ego.  He was mentally abusive.  I was nothing without him so he said.  He isolated me from the world and no, i have no interest in his opinion, or his current life.  

I still have nightmares about him.

I can't entirely blame him.  We were kids.  We had no adults to step in and say "this isn't healthy".....no direction was given.  We fucked it up.

Happy men don't develop a drug habit.

This Marine, he had left me quite a few voicemails that i finally listened to.  He was another just like my ex husband.  Lots of nasty things to say about me now that i don't want him.  he actually said "I only did ONE THING, not talk to you in your home (said it mimicking me) and you dumped me?  You are ridiculous" blah, blah blah.........

Yeah bud.  One time is all you get to treat me like that.  Fuck right off.  

"all the good things i did for you"........meaning?  You get to treat me like shit sometimes?  

I'm gonna end up single because no fucking way is treating me good going to be a "pass" for treating me poorly become acceptable. Ever.  A fight or a disagreement is one thing.......calling me names, being disrespectful?  No.  Not ever.  

I don't care who you are.

strange thoughts and dreams

 this morning i had a dream that involved my ex husband, and my best friend.  I can't remember what his role was in the dream, but i was at her house using her bathroom and i realized i had gotten blood all over her toilet seat.  I was cleaning it off and asked her for clorox wipes.

Okay, thats not strange AT ALL.  

Sitting here this morning, working remotely, i look down at a note i had written on scrap paper.  it says "What are you going to do about it?  Thats what i thought."

Well, we know what i did about it.  I booted him.

I think i wrote that down as i was sitting here at my desk, and he said something i said i didn't like.  That was his response.  I think i wrote it down so i wouldn't conveniently forget about it.  It was a shot to the system.......are you threatening me mother fucker?

What am i gonna do about it.  LOLOLOLOLOL

Byeeeeee.

There was a time when i let that kind of comment slide.  That time has passed.  There is NO reason to ever speak to me that way.  I'm not from the street, I don't get down and dirty, and i don't have time for men who think I am, or do.  

This from a man who didn't like it when i said "fuck" or "pussy" because "ladies" don't talk that way.  

He must be the expert on ladies.  

Going to lunch today with my boss and a department i'm trying to worm my way into.  There are so many changes coming up, and i know i don't know half of them.  I'm trying to secure myself a place in the most logical, and i think useful, place.  I can't talk about the changes at work, but I used to be financed by the SOM and was told (after i asked) that the new fiscal year will find me fully financed by the hospital, and no more from SOM.  

Financing in a organization this size can mean the loss of your position.  Especially when the people making the decisions have no idea what you do.  So i'm making it known that what i do.......is a lot.  And i can do more.  A lot more.  I've been free floating between two major entities and i want a home.

So when i got the invite to attend lunch with this group and my boss i took it as a good sign.  

Wish me luck.

New strategy

Back on FB dating - because where else will i meet someone?  HOWEVER, taking a new approach.  I'm saying "yes" to most matches, as long as they have an articulate profile and have put in a bit of effort. THEN i look at the pictures and i have a little grace, because men, the kind i like, generally don't take great photos of themselves.  It's usually in a car, with the angle up their nose.  So i'm not passing judgement on that.  

Also, talking to everyone and giving them the same effort they give me.  Not carrying the conversation.  Once they reach out to me, because i will not reach out first (nothing wrong with it, just not my style) the conversation better flow, or i'm deleting them.

It's okay to take it off the dating site and text.  It's even better if they get motivated to actually call me.  But i'll never say that out loud.  No more leading, directing, or managing how someone treats me.  

No getting invested in a conversation.  

Paying attention to lazy daters, or men who are negative.  No time for that.

No telling them either, just "not gonna work" and gone.

I'm officially shopping.  Granted, it's in the thrift shop, but sometimes i find the BEST items there that otherwise i never would have found.  So.  In the spirit of finding a treasure, i will not fill my cart with garbage.

Yesterday after work the sky was dark and i knew it was going to rain.  I ran into the house, quick changed and got my butt outside for my daily walk around the neighborhood.  It started to sprinkle so i cut it a little short, but i did it.  Then i realized i was going to be disappointed if i DIDN'T get my walk in.....i was looking foward to it.  Somewhere along the way my attitude changed from "have to" to "want to".  It just feels good to accomplish something that is good for my body.  And soon i'll be hitting the walking trails again.

I haven't forgotten about that damn trail in Burlington that nearly took me out last year.  I'm going back in May and i'm doing it again, this time without tears.  I'm going to kill it.  Then on to the next challenge.

Funny how this all started and how much my mindset has changed.  It feels good to lose the wieght and to be more active.  I feel better mentally.  I didn't expect that.  Not at all. And it has nothing to do with anyone else but me, myself, and I.  

While i was walking i saw the young woman with the toddler and small dog that i used to see when i was taking Miyagi for his short around the parking lot walk.  Her dog kept dragging her toward me and refused to go, waiting for me.  She started talking to me and then all of a sudden she went "omg i didn't recognize you!  no wonder he wouldn't move and was waiting for you!!"  I told her about Miyagi and she expressed condolences.  It was nice.  It felt very neighborly.

This morning i talked to a woman at work, she just started in my department, about marathons, walking up Sleeping Giant and hiking.  I told her about my experience last year and how i had been working on getting more fit, because that experience had scared the shit out of me.  I dont want to be immobile at age 60.  She shared her journey too and I think we bonded a bit.  i like her.  

reflection

 I'm appreciating my life this morning.  Drove in to work and took purposeful notice of my surroundings.  The beauty of the sunrise, the moon still visible in the sky, mountains in the distance - a beautiful morning.

Pure luck.  

I had nothing to do with being born in this country, or this state.  I had nothing to do with being born a white female in a rich country.

And i'm poor.  I live paycheck to paycheck and pray nothing astronomical happens because i will be homeless.  It's a real thing.

And STILL i am lucky.

No one is bombing my neighborhood.  No one is destroying my country, devastating my people - for whatever reason they feel is justified.

I'm not worried that the school down the street will not be there tonight or that the children going there will no longer live.

Thats not part of my normal day.

yet.

I don't know about politics.  What i do know is that people are people are people.

  We are all the same.  

           A product of our environment.  

Not mad about it

 I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again.  To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way.

Carlos did the same thing to my senses.  I just FELT good around him.  I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him.  BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks.  I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence.  I let loose with him.

I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions.  Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because i trust my environment, and i know even if i am ridiculous - they will still love me.  It's fun.  I get it.  But for me, it's a once in a while thing.

When i would go see Carlos I would relax in his presence.  The sexual tension i felt was crazy, but my nervous system allowed me to trust him.  No alarms went off that i was unsafe, at any time.  I mean, i may have been the one that was a loose cannon.  I remember not being able to stop the rush of.....joy?  An elation......like i had taken laughing gas and everything was right with the world.  Probably for the first time in my LIFE.  There's a lot of reasons i think i fell for him.  None of it makes sense but there it is.

Is it fair for me to hold other men up in comparison to him when i barely knew him?  I think i'm chasing that same rush, that same feeling of safety and sexual energy ......Its highly unlikely i will find that again.  It's okay, i had it, i know it exists.  At least, for me, if not for him.

He was the man i would have done anything for.  And to this day, i do not know exactly why.

Easy to say orgasms.  Too easy.  And honestly, not that original.  I've had great sex.  I've had not good sex with men i've loved.  So.......not the answer.

Back to Marine man - I think part of me thought he would be like Carlos.  Military, gruff, has a strong presense, masculine in all ways........But nope.  I didn't feel safe.  Not physically or emotionally on that last day.  

Every once in a while i reach out to Carlos, or he will randomly text me - and it always brings me pleasure.  I know he's looking for a little ego stroke, it has nothing to do with missing me.  I know it's sexual for him, always has been.  That wasn't enough for me then, and it's not enough for me now - or ever.  I was thinking i should just date for sex and leave it at that.  Don't interrupt my happy life with a man just for some temporary intimacy.

I'm not made that way.  Sex is just another activity unless there is a connection.  Thats what makes it intimate- it's a way to show your feelings physically.  To me.  I don't feel anything for a man I don't want to be in a relationship with so the sex will be........mediocre at best. Why bother.

I identified with Bills toxic traits.  I recognized the sameness in me.  I truly believe that is what bonded me to him and why i was almost addicted to his attention.  He wasn't someone i would have looked twice at, not tall not rugged, not exuding male masculinity.........he is just as he puts it "an average guy".  Except that in his case, looks are deceiving.  He is a fucked up man that enjoys the attention of a woman's love but is unable to return it.  He's afraid.  He's a coward.  I stand on that. 

Darryl-  I still love him.  Always will.  But not in a romantic way, or a way that would ever allow me to be intimate with him again.  That feeling shut off as soon as i saw another womens stuff in the home i had loved and just moved out of the week before.  He devastated me.  It took me 8 years to get over the raw pain of him.  He represented my freedom, my choice, my fun, my excitement......and also, my burden, my disappointments, my frustrations and mostly worry about how i would support us in old age.  He is peter pan.  Fun, and never gonna grow up.  There's a price for that.  too high for me.

I do reach out to him once in a while - we stay in very light touch.  He was a 13 year chunk of my life, when i found the courage to start becoming myself, learning what I wanted in life and didn't.  I bloomed with him, found my footing in life.  He gave me experiences, and friends, and i learned how to be a social creature again.  It wasn't all bad.  It wasn't the best either.  for either of us.

But he is my touch stone of how far i've come.  That relaitonship breaking up felt like the world ending.  Nothing has ever hurt me as much.  But I have grown into who i am and now, when i date, i know not to fully invest my entire life into anyone ever again.  Thats not sane.

If i had met Marine man a few years ago, i'd be eating up the drama and upset.  Because that is what i was used to, what i expected from a close relationship.  But now, I know what it is to have calmness and peace in my life.  

I will always choose peace.  

Never learn

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out.

No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy.

Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out. 

constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language.

No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he was going to train me.

....................................

um.

Fuck right off.

He was so excited the first time he came to my place.  He was going to fix this, that, the other thing - he was going to paint for me- power wash the deck, blah blah blah.  And i thought "wonderful!" and I got excited about all the things he was saying.

My couch got the big workout.  

With whining.

And bossiness.

And i found myself biting my tongue IN MY HOME to keep peace (yes already) until he made the mistake of starting to hardcore "neg" me.  I told him I didn't find it funny, that i wanted him to stop.  He got his back up, told ME i have no sense of humor he was "just kidding".  Yeah.  No.  Just kid someone else.

And when he started making fun of my apartment - I said "People always tell me how much they love it because its completely me"  He said "yeah, you both need a lot of help".................

NOpe.  I repeated myself that it wasn't funny, that negging is a form of emotional abuse, and that i wasn't going to walk around on eggshells just so he didn't go into his bad mood.  He lost his shit.  Went from funny to NOT funny when it was directed at him.

Again.  a Marine?  seriously?  

I stood my ground and he got big mad.  Then he proceeded to sit on my recliner and ignore me the entire day.  Wouldn't respond to me at all.  

Again.  in MY home.

I'm not an idiot.  I know when a man is on the edge.  And i allowed it, bided my time until he would eventually leave - knowing i would never let him in my home again.

Fuck you SIR.  FUCK FUCK FUCK you.  

And ....i went about my day, worked, cooked, cleaned, and he literally sat there ALL DAY.  

At the end of my 8 hour work day I sat next to him and said "what are we doing here" and He said he was leaving shortly.  

I said "what are you waiting for?"  in genuine curiousity, since he had sat there all damn day.  As soon as i said it i knew i had yet again fucked up.  

Scary?  nah.  Terrifying.  One look.  But i'll say this one more time, so the back of the room can hear it.....I'm not scared of bullys. What are you gonna do? hit me? beat me? kill me?  Not without a fight you aren't.  And I felt real calm. as he yelled at me, standing over me........

oh, buddy.  you are making this so easy.

When they show you who they are, believe them.

All because i told him i didn't like how he was talking to me.

Well NOW he storms around gathering all his belongings that he conveniently disbursed all over my home without asking.  He even got bathroom stuff which i did tell him he could keep at my place. And then he made a big production about putting it all by the door.  I stayed in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning and ignoring him.  He messed with the door, grabbed his stuff and left.  I saw him return to the door and then turn around and go back to his truck to leave.  I went and made sure the door was locked, which it was.  

I called Doug and Jen and told them i was coming over for the weekend, packed my bag, grabbed the roast and brownies I made for him and brought it to Milford.  I was gone within an hour.

He blew my phone up literally all weekend.  ALL weekend.  I turned the sound off and he left me at least 100 texts, many voicemails.....threatening me that he "wanted his stuff".....which i had watched him gather and put into his truck.

He was talking about gifts.  He wanted the puzzle his father gave me to do, and he wanted his sweatshirt......he was being very petty.  I told him i'd mail the puzzle to him and he wasn't getting anything else back from me.  

Blah blah all weekend my phone blew up.  Sometimes i responded in text but mostly i ignored HIM.  I owe him nothing. I helped Jen shop and set up her sons new apartment all day Saturday.  We cancelled plans to get together with the group.

When i arrived home Sunday morning all i wanted was peace.  No more drama in my home.  I lit some incense, said a few "prayers" and made sure he had taken all his things.  I gathered literally everything he ever gave me, and put it in a box, then a garbage bag (weather was wet in the morning) and put it outside on my doorstep.

As he had instructed.  This man thought he was going to get a police escort to get a puzzle and a sweatshirt.  He was completely serious.  

A marine?

I know damn well the police would not get involved unless i had to call them to have him removed from my doorstep........they weren't going to get into the middle of what would have been a civil matter, for which i had all the proof that the items were a gift.  

But did i care about any of these gifts anymore? No.  So after feeling like "fuck him" all weekend, i chose peace.  Thats why i put EVERYTHING together and told him it was ready for his pickup.  

He texted me to throw it all away, and mail him the puzzle.

And i blocked him.  

Goodbye, good riddance.  

might be gushing

 Sleeping with my CPAP on makes a world of difference in my snoring.  I still hate the thing, but now, if i take it off and Don is there, he tells me to put it back on.

Because otherwise he ends up on the couch because my snoring is so loud.  This has, historically, been an issue for any man that has spent the night.  Not that there has been many.

This morning as i was getting ready for work he kept trying to get me back in bed.  It occurred to me as i was running around the room collecting my clothes and accessories, trying to avoid his grabby hands.....i'm very comfortable being naked in front of him.

And that is new.

I'm 58, have never been into physical fitness until recently when i realized, hey i can barely get up stairs anymore.  I've lost a lot of wieght so add in the droopy skin that comes with wieght loss, and the fact that i'm not 20 years old.....things don't snap back like they used to.  Yet, here i am walking around and having a conversation with him while i'm completely nude and I didn't cover anything.  I ACTUALLY grabbed my belly and said "This?  this is what you want?"  and he said yes, because he's a gentleman - and then he also grabbed my belly.

I love that.

I'm comfortable with my imperfections around him.  I still feel beautiful.  Because in his eyes, i am.

Or he's a really good faker.

moving on up

 I got me one of those fancy executive leather chairs now......woohooo....It was my bosses, but hey, now it's mine!  

It's the small things in life.

Don is coming over tonight.  As long as he is here Saturday night, thats okay.  We are meeting up with my friends for the first time at our old meeting place in Meriden.  I'm excited.  He probably isn't.  But it will make me happy.

I hate to say it, but if he doesn't like my friends thats going to be a problem.  

They just want me to be happy and to be treated well.  They know i don't have much luck with men.  So fingers crossed.  He'll be fine.

He does have a jealous streak that concerns me.  As long as it doesn't get out of control or cause "drama" a little jealousy is okay.  I'm not sure what he is used to dating but he keeps telling me he hasn't dated anyone like me before.  Not sure what that means exactly, but the little he tells me about previous experiences........they sound a bit wild.

I'm wild.  Just not in public.  Thats no ones business but ours.  And of course my friends know the crazy side of me too......but my crazy and real crazy are two different things.  No fighting with him in public.  Period.  Thats just embarrassing.  It shouldn't happen between adults.  I'm not gonna be the entertainment for everyone.  

Since this is our first time out........i have no idea how he behaves.  Gonna find out.  

He sents me songs and tells me to listen to them.  And they are good songs too.  He has caught on to the fact that is my language.  This morning it was "Angel Eyes"  Last week it was "When i need you" and the first song he ever sent me was "Make it with you" by Bread.

Sorry, but that works for me.  At least it's not songs from Korn or Mudvayne being screamed in my face!

It's romantic.  And he makes me feel wanted.  

The funny part is that he recorded the first one on his phone while he was listening to it instead of sending me a link.....That made it even better honestly.  

But his mood swings are for REAL.  One minute he's laughing with me, like a kid - and then he gets all sober and serious and tells me to calm down.  Riggghhht.  like thats going to happen.  But then he sometimes gets really annoyed and i told him he reminds me of my daughter when he does that.  She once told me i never shut up.  

I mean, why be around someone else if i can't talk to them?  I'm alone a lot.  But i guess i can be too much.  I ask a lot of questions, and i like telling stories......i like to talk.  Take it or leave it.  But he kind of slams shut like a big door has been closed.  

We are still getting used to each other.  I don't care for all his bossing around either.  He has his ways, and i have my ways.  We are going to have to adjust.  And it's and adjustment, believe ME.  We got to this age by doing things our way.....so there's going to be compromise because i'm not a puppet.

I am MORE than happy to let him take the lead quite honestly.  But the first time he lets me down, will be the last time I trust him to do it.  I will hand over my "in charge" card to the man who knows it's a real responsibility, not a bedroom game.  They all act like they want it, but when reality hits, they drop the ball.  Every. Time.

And then, i drop them.  I have no time for half ass men.  I wasted too much time with Bill thinking he had his shit together.  Thats all it was.....a bunch of SHIT.  And the universe reminded me not to trust too soon, or to give more than i can afford.  Take my time.  Watch.  THEN trust.  Not before. 

Anyways........i'm not used to a man coming over during the week......but i bet he makes dinner and i bet i won't complain about it.  And the house will be clean when i come home tomorrow (it is now, but he won't make a mess for me to clean up) 

And he's bringing me gifties..........got me a black leather purse because he thought i would like it.

Who does that for no reason?

i'll say fuck whenever i want to, thank you.

 i have nothing of importance to say.  I just like drama.

hmmmm.

Tell me how you really feel.  

I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.  

or around someone who feels comfortable saying that with no provocation.  

I love it when someone expresses a strong opinion about me just for the sake of saying something nasty.  

There was a time when that would have hurt my feelings.

Instead i said "that was rude. i didn't deserve that" which i felt was quite civil.  It was an opportunity to explain just what the fuck the point of that statement was.  More importantly, it was an opportunity to roll it back and apologize.

I talk too much and i say nothing important.

That sounds like someone elses problem.  

remembering

 I was pregnant with my son during the gulf war.  And my DIL is pregnant with my grandson during this.....whatever we are calling it ...invasion of Iran?   I had my toddler daughter, and my big pregnant belly and i would have the news on all day until it drove me crazy.  It was right before Thanksgiving, and television had our military recording holiday messages for their families back home and i would sit and cry, and cry and cry.  Hormonal and emotional that anyone's babies were fighting a war.

I still feel the same.

Every generation has it's cross to bear, it's monumental moments in history.  And it's almost always a war.  Why.  Its a simple question.  

People are shit.  Thats why.  Someone is always trying to get more than someone else, or have more power over other people......war between the sexes, the ages, the cultures, land, money, intellectual property, on and on and on.........I have to have more than you do.  Thats the bottom line.

My way is the only way and it's the best way for YOU too.  If you don't like it, we'll just starve you, torture you, never let you have peace and eventually just kill you off because YOU aren't as good as I am.

And then there are the heroes who probably meant well - go kill the bad guys. But its the same thing on the flip side. logically.  Bad means there is good.  Good means there is bad.  pick a side and kill for it. 

Animals don't do this.  But we are smarter than them?

I have no solutions, no answers, no way to make it "even" or ideas on how to end the horrible way we all treat each other, in our little microcosm right up to the macrocosm.  But it does start at home.  It does start with one person, yourself.  And the effects reach out like that ripple in the water.

Its difficult to think that one person can make a difference, but imagine if everyone believed that.  It would be every single person taking responsibility for how they treat other people.  Not group think, not politics, or social media.....not the "i can't do anything about it so i'm just gonna ignore it"

Thats what i do.  I shut down.  I can't change it. So why stress about it?  Why care that babies are being starved or eaten?  Why care if women have rights or are treated like entertainment?  Why care at all about anything?

It's overwhelming and it's no wonder that so many people "don't care" because we are trying to survive the moment and get to the next moment.  Which is exactly where the people in power, whoever they really are, want.

A lot

I grew up in the 80's with awesome movies and music.  It ruined my expectations of what relationships are supposed to be - and then my own experiences and disapointments stepped in as the icing on the cake.

I've never wanted to own my own business, i never really cared what i did for work as long as it paid the bills and I have no burning passions so create anything specific.  I've been very blase most of my life with anything other than romance and love.

I wanted a family.  I wanted the white picket fence and early retirement so i could help with my grandchildren.  I wanted a vacation every year to somewhere new and i wanted time to read.  I wanted to ride on a motorcycle sometimes and i wanted a man who loved me as much as i loved him.  Ride or die.  I wanted friends to celebrate and share life with.  Thats the dream.  That was my happy life that i was shooting for.

I got the family, and the best thing i ever did was give birth to two human beings that are so much better at life than i ever was.  They are my shining achievement of having done something meaningful - I created their bodies and they have nutured their souls with the choices they make.  They have always been better at making good choices than i ever have.  They are smart, they are kind and they are MY soul.  

I'm not good at relationships.  I've had so much therapy and i understand WHY but not HOW to fix it.  Fix myself.  So when i'm spiraling, i know the root of the trigger but not how to stay off the ride i'm about to go on.  I see myself from the outside.  

I'm great at seeing the good in other people, the potential, their worth- and i'm great at encouraging them or advising....but when it comes to myself?  I don't listen to my own advice.  

To this day, i don't feel like i'm worth the effort.  I've improved.  I'm taking better care of myself, but most of my attitude toward myself is "fuck it".....So when i start to feel good about myself, it's most likely coming from someone else thinking i'm the bomb.  And unfortunately, that never lasts long because.....life.

If someone says something devastating to me i will remember it forever, but compliments?  I take them because thats the polite thing to do, but i rarely believe them and consider them to be a social nicety.  Not true.  Not meaningful.  

Maybe thats the negative thinking that Bill was always telling me i do.  With him though, it wasn't thinking it was REMEMBERing the awful shit he said to me "in jest".  But I felt like i deserved him.  Something in me recognized his darkness and identified with it.  My unhealthy side.  The side that thinks i don't deserve to be treated well, or cherished.

I do a lot of self sabatoge.  and i also tend to pick men that will join me in my own destruction, or use me for their purposes and discard me.  I make those choices.  But now, with Don, I'm not sure what i'm doing and he identified it quite clearly as "you give me your body, but hold back your heart"

Well, that was succinct. 

I do purposely test him, even if i lie to myself and say i'm not.  I am.  I'm pushing to see where is that line?  I force the end, the leaving, the giving up because the tension of not knowing when it's coming, (and it ALWAYS comes eventually) is unbearable.  So i push.  And i push.  And then i say "see? He didn't love me"

Don claimed me immediately on our first date.  We had talked every day for hours at a time about everything under the sun previous to that because he didn't want to go on a "blind date"....he wanted us to know each other already.  And we've been together ever since then, which hasn't been long.  Our first date was Valentines day......also his doing.  The chemistry hit before we even got out of our cars....the eye contact, the appreciative looks we gave each other......it was the closest thing to love at first site i've ever experienced.

AND.......i poo pooed it because there is no such thing.  It's hormones and lonliness.  Thats what i immediately told myself.  Slow down.  Love itself is questionable to me, and love at first site is a fairy tale.  BUT he claimed me as his that day and i allowed it.  I thought, and still think, wait till he knows me better.......

But we are getting to know each  other more and more and we do have some adjusting to do with communication.......But we have time.  And this man, he is persistent.  He loves his family, is close to them and has invited me to Easter to meet all of them.  I've already met his parents.  This, and we aren't even a month in.

Red flags to be moving so fast.  But also, he know what he wants.  Unlike me, he had goals that didn't center around women or love.  Now, he wants love.  So i feel almost like i filled in the check box, because that is my negative thinking.  

In other words, i don't trust men who won't commit and i don't trust men who want me to be theirs too soon.  I don't trust men.  Period.

Just a rambling post trying to find my way through this so that i don't fall blindly into yet another situation that wastes my time and costs me money, or fuck up what could possibly be the love of my life. 

Are the answers in the back of the book?