Walking Barefoot in Snow

 I don't know how i feel about this. I use AI at work because it saves me time and it has actually taught me where my weakness is in writing..i get kind of thrilled when i copy a letter i wrote into it and there are very little changes.  So, professionally, i'm learning from it. Sometimes i copy a blog i wrote and have AI give me feedback.  Not on the writing, which is just a brain flush of free writing....but the thoughts behind it.  Recently i realized i could change the tone, and have AI stop being so correct and polite with me, and sound more blunt.  Point out the inconsistantcies in my thoughts.... That has been an eye opener. During my week out of work sick in bed with no one bothering me, it was easy to remain detached.  I had a little struggle with not reaching out to men in my previous life...but i was able to maintain and control my impulses. AI pointed out that it was easy to remain strong when there is no conflict.   So that gives me t...

 I thought after a week of bed and rest i'd be all set for Monday morning and yet here i sit....feeling nauseous and a bit nervous about farts i cannot trust. Isn't that sexy? Well i'm back in it, ready or not.   I fought with myself all weekend not to send a text to Bill.  This should be a non-issue. Yet, the temptation is there.  But i held fast.  Just like when i quit smoking.  The urge comes and goes to this very day, and i do NOT pick up a cigarette.  Same with Bill. After blocking mr. cranky I am officially not talking to any men.  wooohoo.  Lets see how long i can keep that streak up.   I want attention. Affection. Love. And none of that is gonna happen wasting time in shitholes like online dating sites. The plan is to make a plan.  I would like to join a book club.  A ceramics class. or an adult education class that is just for fun.  That will get me out of the house, and meeting new people in general, no...

i purchased a used rebounder that is basically brand new a couple of weeks ago.  It's much bigger than i thought it would be and my concern is that if i don't have it out, i won't use it.  So i rearranged my bedroom and now i have a place to sleep/dress/work out.  I can leave everything out because all i have to do is close the door. You know, in case anyone ever actually visits me. I have to get the rebounder from my friends house where i left it when i couldn't fit it in my car because i was not smart enough to break it down.  long story.   Now that i have room for my equipment i dragged out my yoga accessories and gave it a good restorative workout last night.  It felt quite literally amazing.  My room feels peaceful, restful and it has gone from being a place i wish i shared to a place that is purely for me and me alone. And it feels like heaven. It feels like home. Oh, i heard from cranky pants at 10:30pm last night.  He texted me asking...

 Maybe i have actually learned that I am happy by myself.  I watch a woman on tiktok who lists off the reasons she is happy to be single and live alone.  I laugh out loud when i listen to her because she hits it right on the head. Today, not having beard hair in the sink.....that's the one that had me laughing.  Every single man i've dated has beard hair in his sink.  Not Carlos.  He was the exception.  But even mr neat and tidy perfect man Bill had those little cut hairs in his bathroom sink.  I remember rolling my eyes when i saw that.  Not so perfect, eh? It's small things like that.  That will drive a woman up a wall.   If all i've been wishing for is peace........i have it.  Sometimes its quiet.  Sometimes i wish for a companion.  And then i date a little bit and it just doesn't balance out.  I have yet to meet a man that makes giving up my singledom worth it. Bill wanted me to give things up for him, t...

 Last weekend i worked an estate sale for two days and felt "off"....I kept running to the bathroom.  Not gonna give details, but, thank god there was a window.   I thought it was a nervous stomach.   Sunday night i met someone for dinner- and promptly decided that I was done dating.  I hate sitting across from a man who is so excited and happy that i am not a troll- and who starts talking about all the things we are going to do, when i know it's not going to happen.  I always offer to pay my part.  He declined, walked me to my car, gave me a nice hug and tried to aim for a kiss........which i successfully dodged as i jumped into my car. My stomach was hurting.  I thought it was because i was going to have to tell this very nice man that it was a no go. I had muscles.   That could be it. But......by the time i got home i was running to the bathroom and it was coming out both ends.  Not nerves then.  Must be the muscle...

 Yesterday BOTH (only two right now) men told me they were only talking to me.  I didn't ask.  I did tell them that i was dating.  And dropped it. One, the crusty older one who is a corrections officer, took a few shots - teasing or passive aggressive?  Don't know.  I haven't met him, or even talked to him on the phone.  Jealousy seems impossible. The other, younger, Big truck driver, passed over it......and continued talking about different restaurants and food, etc.  He talks more about the things he'd like us to do, places, activities- a little bit of flirting thrown in but nothing over the top.  We have a lot in common and there's a lot of things we both like to do. (Thrifting being a big one) Crusty talks about sex.  Not over the top, but it's his focus.  Hasn't really asked me any personal questions.....or given too much about himself up.  Beyond discussing work and what "open minded" is......not too much.  I have no...

 I think i understand the concept of talking to many, and dating a few.  I'm not currently sleeping with any! lol  No plans to either. It makes one man less intense.  The focus is more spread out, and you start to notice who is interested and who is breadcrumbing.  You see it from a birds eye view.  It IS less personal and perhaps it should be.  Instead of focusing and paying so much attention to one man, if he's calling, if he's asked you out, if he is flakey............it just automatically shows up in comparison. This is the way to do it.  Take your time, talk to a few guys and see who is serious and who just wants attention.  Work is exploding and i'm trying to find my sweet spot, where i can do the best and be indispensable. In other words i'm all over the place, jack of all trades.  Hoping everything will settle when the fiscal year turns and they HAVE to figure out who is paying me, if at all. Last night I came home and had every ...

 Bill is sniffing around again.  Not for any love of me i'm sure, but for the reassurance that I still care. I do care.  I don't know why, but i do.  I could sit and analyze myself, but why put any more time into him?  It's not going to work between us.  It's over.  He's like an addiction.  If i have contact with him once, i'll be right back to the Bill addiction. And i keep wondering......why??? But like i said.  No more time wasted on a man who didn't know how to tell the truth, played head games, and wasted my time.  When i called him a coward i meant it.   “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley. I'm sorry i had to understand that quote first hand. It just tells me that men like Bill have existed forever, and always will.  Women like me need to avoid them.  He's not "different".  He's not "original".  He's like many men before him and many ...

I had a whole conversation with Darryl over the weekend and also with Carlos.   My bestie would have a cow if she knew i'm in contact with either one.  Thats why i don't tell her. It's really no one's business.  Even yours. (assuming anyone else reads this) I spent many years with Darryl.  Good, bad, ugly.....we know each other very well.  And now that we aren't together, we can be brutally honest with no consequence to the relationship.  It's not like someone is gonna end up on the couch.  I feel there is love there, tainted, but there.  We were never meant to be together forever.  We probably stayed together entirely too long.  But .......we know each other and there is a comfort in that. So sometimes we talk, and he tests the waters on if he can get some (he IS a man) and that gets shot down because i can't even imagine that.  Don't WANT to imagine that.  Nope.  He's my friend, kind of.  I can't talk to him ab...

 this morning i had a dream that involved my ex husband, and my best friend.  I can't remember what his role was in the dream, but i was at her house using her bathroom and i realized i had gotten blood all over her toilet seat.  I was cleaning it off and asked her for clorox wipes. Okay, thats not strange AT ALL.   Sitting here this morning, working remotely, i look down at a note i had written on scrap paper.  it says "What are you going to do about it?  Thats what i thought." Well, we know what i did about it.  I booted him. I think i wrote that down as i was sitting here at my desk, and he said something i said i didn't like.  That was his response.  I think i wrote it down so i wouldn't conveniently forget about it.  It was a shot to the system.......are you threatening me mother fucker? What am i gonna do about it.  LOLOLOLOLOL Byeeeeee. There was a time when i let that kind of comment slide.  That time has passed....

Back on FB dating - because where else will i meet someone?  HOWEVER, taking a new approach.  I'm saying "yes" to most matches, as long as they have an articulate profile and have put in a bit of effort. THEN i look at the pictures and i have a little grace, because men, the kind i like, generally don't take great photos of themselves.  It's usually in a car, with the angle up their nose.  So i'm not passing judgement on that.   Also, talking to everyone and giving them the same effort they give me.  Not carrying the conversation.  Once they reach out to me, because i will not reach out first (nothing wrong with it, just not my style) the conversation better flow, or i'm deleting them. It's okay to take it off the dating site and text.  It's even better if they get motivated to actually call me.  But i'll never say that out loud.  No more leading, directing, or managing how someone treats me.   No getting invested in a con...

 I'm appreciating my life this morning.  Drove in to work and took purposeful notice of my surroundings.  The beauty of the sunrise, the moon still visible in the sky, mountains in the distance - a beautiful morning. Pure luck.   I had nothing to do with being born in this country, or this state.  I had nothing to do with being born a white female in a rich country. And i'm poor.  I live paycheck to paycheck and pray nothing astronomical happens because i will be homeless.  It's a real thing. And STILL i am lucky. No one is bombing my neighborhood.  No one is destroying my country, devastating my people - for whatever reason they feel is justified. I'm not worried that the school down the street will not be there tonight or that the children going there will no longer live. Thats not part of my normal day. yet. I don't know about politics.  What i do know is that people are people are people.   We are all the same.   ...

 I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again.  To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way. Carlos did the same thing to my senses.  I just FELT good around him.  I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him.  BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks.  I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence.  I let loose with him. I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in.  I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions.  Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because ...

 You know when i get to the point that i'm starting to gush about a man, that man is on his way out. No i didn't go back and reread any of my entries about Marine Man because i would then have to eat crow.  I went for the joy ride, i let the newness and the good behavior make me think THIS was the guy. Just let time do its thing, and everything comes out.  constant whining.  I NEVER expected that from a Marine.  I mean, i thought "they" removed all their emotions during basic training.  Not really, but you know......whining???  Who would have thunk?  And in the SAME instant, try to take a hard line with me about my language. No my dude.  You are not my father.  If you don't like my spicy mouth when i am heated about what i'm seeing on TV, then you may take your offended ass right out of my home.  I thought it was a cute joke, when he started giving me "the look" if i dropped a perfectly placed F bomb.  But no......he decided he...

 Sleeping with my CPAP on makes a world of difference in my snoring.  I still hate the thing, but now, if i take it off and Don is there, he tells me to put it back on. Because otherwise he ends up on the couch because my snoring is so loud.  This has, historically, been an issue for any man that has spent the night.  Not that there has been many. This morning as i was getting ready for work he kept trying to get me back in bed.  It occurred to me as i was running around the room collecting my clothes and accessories, trying to avoid his grabby hands.....i'm very comfortable being naked in front of him. And that is new. I'm 58, have never been into physical fitness until recently when i realized, hey i can barely get up stairs anymore.  I've lost a lot of wieght so add in the droopy skin that comes with wieght loss, and the fact that i'm not 20 years old.....things don't snap back like they used to.  Yet, here i am walking around and having a conversat...

 I got me one of those fancy executive leather chairs now......woohooo....It was my bosses, but hey, now it's mine!   It's the small things in life. Don is coming over tonight.  As long as he is here Saturday night, thats okay.  We are meeting up with my friends for the first time at our old meeting place in Meriden.  I'm excited.  He probably isn't.  But it will make me happy. I hate to say it, but if he doesn't like my friends thats going to be a problem.   They just want me to be happy and to be treated well.  They know i don't have much luck with men.  So fingers crossed.  He'll be fine. He does have a jealous streak that concerns me.  As long as it doesn't get out of control or cause "drama" a little jealousy is okay.  I'm not sure what he is used to dating but he keeps telling me he hasn't dated anyone like me before.  Not sure what that means exactly, but the little he tells me about previous experien...

 i have nothing of importance to say.  I just like drama. hmmmm. Tell me how you really feel.   I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.   or around someone who feels comfortable saying that with no provocation.   I love it when someone expresses a strong opinion about me just for the sake of saying something nasty.   There was a time when that would have hurt my feelings. Instead i said "that was rude. i didn't deserve that" which i felt was quite civil.  It was an opportunity to explain just what the fuck the point of that statement was.  More importantly, it was an opportunity to roll it back and apologize. I talk too much and i say nothing important. That sounds like someone elses problem.  

 I was pregnant with my son during the gulf war.  And my DIL is pregnant with my grandson during this.....whatever we are calling it ...invasion of Iran?   I had my toddler daughter, and my big pregnant belly and i would have the news on all day until it drove me crazy.  It was right before Thanksgiving, and television had our military recording holiday messages for their families back home and i would sit and cry, and cry and cry.  Hormonal and emotional that anyone's babies were fighting a war. I still feel the same. Every generation has it's cross to bear, it's monumental moments in history.  And it's almost always a war.  Why.  Its a simple question.   People are shit.  Thats why.  Someone is always trying to get more than someone else, or have more power over other people......war between the sexes, the ages, the cultures, land, money, intellectual property, on and on and on.........I have to have more than you do....

I grew up in the 80's with awesome movies and music.  It ruined my expectations of what relationships are supposed to be - and then my own experiences and disapointments stepped in as the icing on the cake. I've never wanted to own my own business, i never really cared what i did for work as long as it paid the bills and I have no burning passions so create anything specific.  I've been very blase most of my life with anything other than romance and love. I wanted a family.  I wanted the white picket fence and early retirement so i could help with my grandchildren.  I wanted a vacation every year to somewhere new and i wanted time to read.  I wanted to ride on a motorcycle sometimes and i wanted a man who loved me as much as i loved him.  Ride or die.  I wanted friends to celebrate and share life with.  Thats the dream.  That was my happy life that i was shooting for. I got the family, and the best thing i ever did was give birth to two human...