Flu bayou

 Last weekend i worked an estate sale for two days and felt "off"....I kept running to the bathroom.  Not gonna give details, but, thank god there was a window.  

I thought it was a nervous stomach.  

Sunday night i met someone for dinner- and promptly decided that I was done dating.  I hate sitting across from a man who is so excited and happy that i am not a troll- and who starts talking about all the things we are going to do, when i know it's not going to happen.  I always offer to pay my part.  He declined, walked me to my car, gave me a nice hug and tried to aim for a kiss........which i successfully dodged as i jumped into my car.

My stomach was hurting.  I thought it was because i was going to have to tell this very nice man that it was a no go.

I had muscles.  

That could be it.

But......by the time i got home i was running to the bathroom and it was coming out both ends.  Not nerves then.  Must be the muscles.......

Yesterday i finally stopped vomiting.  So at least that part is done.  My butt is raw and that is with the nice wipes.  I think i've lost 20lbs in water weight and i'm not sure how i'm not completely dehydrated.  I've been drinking constantly, slowly, little sips all day and night.  

Last night i made cutlets and a baked potato.  It took me two hours to eat it all.  First the chicken, then the potato.  I was a nervous wreck about what would happen but i was actually hungry. 

So far so good.  I run to the bathroom every hour now instead of every 15 minutes.  

I did tell the nice man that we weren't a match when he inquired about my health.  He took it well.  Said thank you for being honest.  There was no attraction to him AT ALL on my part.  He seemed worldly, we had a lot in common but he showed up in a concert t-shirt, jeans and sneakers.  And then told me that was all he ever wears.

I don't want to date a man child. no matter how nice he is.

So i promptly took myself off FB dating.  I am still talking to mr. cranky pants the CO.  He reappears after a day or so.  He's entertaining.  He also, will not turn into anything. 

Last night i saw a message from Bill in FB messenger.  I didn't look at it for hours.  I thought "ignore it".  But how.  So i opened it.  because curiosity killed the cat.  He didn't ask, he told me he is going to drop off my key friday.  That enough time has passed that i should be okay.

What a cocksucker.

I did not respond until this morning.  I said "why not just throw it away as i requested?"

Of course i didn't sleep well last night because he is a fever dream. 

Here's the bottom line.  When i engage with him, he charms me.  When i see him, his lips end up on my lips.  He is dangerous to my mental health.

He is also a coward.  He fucks with women's heads and emotions as a hobby.  Does he do it on purpose?  Don't know, don't care.  He does it.  He has a recognizable cycle.  I knew he would be back because he never goes away.  Not from any woman he's been with.  

He wasn't overly nice to me.  He made my nervous system kinetic.  He was like a live wire being shoved up my ass.  

I'm not the same person.  He actually taught me how to self regulate in self defense to his games.  I am capable of standing back and not investing.  Thank you Bill.  

I don't want the life i would have with him, always picking on me and how i do things.  Always knowing better than me and everyone else.  The lying, the cheating, the game playing......the cruelty.  The fact that i kept going back said more about me than him.  I thought i deserved him. 

I don't.  

His words are empty, mostly lies to manipulate.  He has nothing to offer, not even a good fuck.  When i was with him i felt like less than him, as he wanted it.  The reality is that i am way more than he deserves or can handle.  I always have been.  I can love someone.  I don't think he is capable because he doesn't love himself.  Matter of fact, i feel like he hates himself.

Also, not my problem.

If he shows up with the key (because the chance of that happening is slim to none, he just wants me to anxiously await his arrival which won't happen because something else will come up.  His games are predictable.) So if he does, i'll take it and let him say his things.  I have nothing to say.  Not even thank you. 

You can't teach a man how to be decent.  But you can decide not to give him any of your energy.