A lot

I grew up in the 80's with awesome movies and music.  It ruined my expectations of what relationships are supposed to be - and then my own experiences and disapointments stepped in as the icing on the cake.

I've never wanted to own my own business, i never really cared what i did for work as long as it paid the bills and I have no burning passions so create anything specific.  I've been very blase most of my life with anything other than romance and love.

I wanted a family.  I wanted the white picket fence and early retirement so i could help with my grandchildren.  I wanted a vacation every year to somewhere new and i wanted time to read.  I wanted to ride on a motorcycle sometimes and i wanted a man who loved me as much as i loved him.  Ride or die.  I wanted friends to celebrate and share life with.  Thats the dream.  That was my happy life that i was shooting for.

I got the family, and the best thing i ever did was give birth to two human beings that are so much better at life than i ever was.  They are my shining achievement of having done something meaningful - I created their bodies and they have nutured their souls with the choices they make.  They have always been better at making good choices than i ever have.  They are smart, they are kind and they are MY soul.  

I'm not good at relationships.  I've had so much therapy and i understand WHY but not HOW to fix it.  Fix myself.  So when i'm spiraling, i know the root of the trigger but not how to stay off the ride i'm about to go on.  I see myself from the outside.  

I'm great at seeing the good in other people, the potential, their worth- and i'm great at encouraging them or advising....but when it comes to myself?  I don't listen to my own advice.  

To this day, i don't feel like i'm worth the effort.  I've improved.  I'm taking better care of myself, but most of my attitude toward myself is "fuck it".....So when i start to feel good about myself, it's most likely coming from someone else thinking i'm the bomb.  And unfortunately, that never lasts long because.....life.

If someone says something devastating to me i will remember it forever, but compliments?  I take them because thats the polite thing to do, but i rarely believe them and consider them to be a social nicety.  Not true.  Not meaningful.  

Maybe thats the negative thinking that Bill was always telling me i do.  With him though, it wasn't thinking it was REMEMBERing the awful shit he said to me "in jest".  But I felt like i deserved him.  Something in me recognized his darkness and identified with it.  My unhealthy side.  The side that thinks i don't deserve to be treated well, or cherished.

I do a lot of self sabatoge.  and i also tend to pick men that will join me in my own destruction, or use me for their purposes and discard me.  I make those choices.  But now, with Don, I'm not sure what i'm doing and he identified it quite clearly as "you give me your body, but hold back your heart"

Well, that was succinct. 

I do purposely test him, even if i lie to myself and say i'm not.  I am.  I'm pushing to see where is that line?  I force the end, the leaving, the giving up because the tension of not knowing when it's coming, (and it ALWAYS comes eventually) is unbearable.  So i push.  And i push.  And then i say "see? He didn't love me"

Don claimed me immediately on our first date.  We had talked every day for hours at a time about everything under the sun previous to that because he didn't want to go on a "blind date"....he wanted us to know each other already.  And we've been together ever since then, which hasn't been long.  Our first date was Valentines day......also his doing.  The chemistry hit before we even got out of our cars....the eye contact, the appreciative looks we gave each other......it was the closest thing to love at first site i've ever experienced.

AND.......i poo pooed it because there is no such thing.  It's hormones and lonliness.  Thats what i immediately told myself.  Slow down.  Love itself is questionable to me, and love at first site is a fairy tale.  BUT he claimed me as his that day and i allowed it.  I thought, and still think, wait till he knows me better.......

But we are getting to know each  other more and more and we do have some adjusting to do with communication.......But we have time.  And this man, he is persistent.  He loves his family, is close to them and has invited me to Easter to meet all of them.  I've already met his parents.  This, and we aren't even a month in.

Red flags to be moving so fast.  But also, he know what he wants.  Unlike me, he had goals that didn't center around women or love.  Now, he wants love.  So i feel almost like i filled in the check box, because that is my negative thinking.  

In other words, i don't trust men who won't commit and i don't trust men who want me to be theirs too soon.  I don't trust men.  Period.

Just a rambling post trying to find my way through this so that i don't fall blindly into yet another situation that wastes my time and costs me money, or fuck up what could possibly be the love of my life. 

Are the answers in the back of the book?