Proud of myself

 Maybe i have actually learned that I am happy by myself.  I watch a woman on tiktok who lists off the reasons she is happy to be single and live alone.  I laugh out loud when i listen to her because she hits it right on the head.

Today, not having beard hair in the sink.....that's the one that had me laughing.  Every single man i've dated has beard hair in his sink.  Not Carlos.  He was the exception.  But even mr neat and tidy perfect man Bill had those little cut hairs in his bathroom sink.  I remember rolling my eyes when i saw that.  Not so perfect, eh?

It's small things like that.  That will drive a woman up a wall.  

If all i've been wishing for is peace........i have it.  Sometimes its quiet.  Sometimes i wish for a companion.  And then i date a little bit and it just doesn't balance out.  I have yet to meet a man that makes giving up my singledom worth it.

Bill wanted me to give things up for him, to prove my loyalty to him.  He wanted me to not go on that cruise and he punished me for doing it anyways.  So stupid.  Mr. Rich couldn't buy a ticket and join me?  No?  well that didn't mean i was cancelling.  

And for that, i'm proud of myself.

I used to be that girl.  I would cancel plans with a girlfriend to go out with a man who asked me at the last minute.  It never felt good.  I thought that was what i had to do.  Show loyalty. ha.  

No one is more loyal than your girlfriends.  

Bill tried to goad me into a conversation today because i asked why he didn't just throw away the key like i had asked?  He said okay, no prob.  Then a little while later he sent me a picture of the key.  Then he said "if thats what you really want".

I didn't respond.  I was not successfully baited into interacting with him.  I told him to throw it away more than once.  I won't say it again.  I won't engage with him.  He just wants attention.  

Yes, i feel pulled.  But my brain is making the decisions now.  Not my nervous system, not my need to be kissed passionately and deeply.......not the need to be desired.  Because that is all very temporary.  It's a conquest.  I know better.  So while my body responds to what it knows, my brain reminds me of what IT knows.  I'm taking care of myself.

Haven't heard from Mr Cranky and i must say, i'm relieved.  It's nice not to check my phone for my fix of attention.  I am as bad as Bill...... i like my attention.  

I'm just finding that no attention is better than fake.  No attention is better when it comes with peace.

Maybe someday i'll meet someone.  Or maybe not.  I can't make it my focus. Not anymore.