I had that giggly, can't stop smiling, wonderful feeling the first time i saw him in his truck - that big smile that came over his face, the way he looked at me, treated me like i was precious- I'm glad i got to feel that again. To remember what it feels like and to know i CAN feel that way.
Carlos did the same thing to my senses. I just FELT good around him. I think the part that has me infatuated with a man I never dated, and barely knew is how he made me feel when I was actually with him. BEFORE i got high, or had a few drinks. I would stay at his place for the exact reason that i was under the influence. I let loose with him.
I don't know if he knew i was a novice "partier"...........my last party days were in high school and even then I was just trying to fit in. I have never enjoyed the feeling of not being able to control my feelings, or actions. Now, I enjoy smoking some pot or taking gummies when i'm with my friends because i trust my environment, and i know even if i am ridiculous - they will still love me. It's fun. I get it. But for me, it's a once in a while thing.
When i would go see Carlos I would relax in his presence. The sexual tension i felt was crazy, but my nervous system allowed me to trust him. No alarms went off that i was unsafe, at any time. I mean, i may have been the one that was a loose cannon. I remember not being able to stop the rush of.....joy? An elation......like i had taken laughing gas and everything was right with the world. Probably for the first time in my LIFE. There's a lot of reasons i think i fell for him. None of it makes sense but there it is.
Is it fair for me to hold other men up in comparison to him when i barely knew him? I think i'm chasing that same rush, that same feeling of safety and sexual energy ......Its highly unlikely i will find that again. It's okay, i had it, i know it exists. At least, for me, if not for him.
He was the man i would have done anything for. And to this day, i do not know exactly why.
Easy to say orgasms. Too easy. And honestly, not that original. I've had great sex. I've had not good sex with men i've loved. So.......not the answer.
Back to Marine man - I think part of me thought he would be like Carlos. Military, gruff, has a strong presense, masculine in all ways........But nope. I didn't feel safe. Not physically or emotionally on that last day.
Every once in a while i reach out to Carlos, or he will randomly text me - and it always brings me pleasure. I know he's looking for a little ego stroke, it has nothing to do with missing me. I know it's sexual for him, always has been. That wasn't enough for me then, and it's not enough for me now - or ever. I was thinking i should just date for sex and leave it at that. Don't interrupt my happy life with a man just for some temporary intimacy.
I'm not made that way. Sex is just another activity unless there is a connection. Thats what makes it intimate- it's a way to show your feelings physically. To me. I don't feel anything for a man I don't want to be in a relationship with so the sex will be........mediocre at best. Why bother.
I identified with Bills toxic traits. I recognized the sameness in me. I truly believe that is what bonded me to him and why i was almost addicted to his attention. He wasn't someone i would have looked twice at, not tall not rugged, not exuding male masculinity.........he is just as he puts it "an average guy". Except that in his case, looks are deceiving. He is a fucked up man that enjoys the attention of a woman's love but is unable to return it. He's afraid. He's a coward. I stand on that.
Darryl- I still love him. Always will. But not in a romantic way, or a way that would ever allow me to be intimate with him again. That feeling shut off as soon as i saw another womens stuff in the home i had loved and just moved out of the week before. He devastated me. It took me 8 years to get over the raw pain of him. He represented my freedom, my choice, my fun, my excitement......and also, my burden, my disappointments, my frustrations and mostly worry about how i would support us in old age. He is peter pan. Fun, and never gonna grow up. There's a price for that. too high for me.
I do reach out to him once in a while - we stay in very light touch. He was a 13 year chunk of my life, when i found the courage to start becoming myself, learning what I wanted in life and didn't. I bloomed with him, found my footing in life. He gave me experiences, and friends, and i learned how to be a social creature again. It wasn't all bad. It wasn't the best either. for either of us.
But he is my touch stone of how far i've come. That relaitonship breaking up felt like the world ending. Nothing has ever hurt me as much. But I have grown into who i am and now, when i date, i know not to fully invest my entire life into anyone ever again. Thats not sane.
If i had met Marine man a few years ago, i'd be eating up the drama and upset. Because that is what i was used to, what i expected from a close relationship. But now, I know what it is to have calmness and peace in my life.
I will always choose peace.
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