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Is it good or bad or does it not matter

I had a whole conversation with Darryl over the weekend and also with Carlos.  

My bestie would have a cow if she knew i'm in contact with either one.  Thats why i don't tell her.

It's really no one's business.  Even yours. (assuming anyone else reads this)

I spent many years with Darryl.  Good, bad, ugly.....we know each other very well.  And now that we aren't together, we can be brutally honest with no consequence to the relationship.  It's not like someone is gonna end up on the couch.  I feel there is love there, tainted, but there.  We were never meant to be together forever.  We probably stayed together entirely too long.  But .......we know each other and there is a comfort in that.

So sometimes we talk, and he tests the waters on if he can get some (he IS a man) and that gets shot down because i can't even imagine that.  Don't WANT to imagine that.  Nope.  He's my friend, kind of.  I can't talk to him about men except vaguely; he doesn't want to hear it.  I try to lift him, but he has to do that on his own now.  The man can do it, he just doesn't.  

Carlos?  I was able to ask him why not me?  What made me undateable?  Because really, thats been the burning question in my mind.  He told me he just wasn't in love with me.  and that it wasn't fair.  He described me as "crazy, sexy, fun"........and I don't think thats a bad description.  Pretty accurate.  Maybe if i hadn't of pushed it we would have had time for him to see my heart, my serious side.....it just wasn't meant to be.  As much as i thought he was hidden from me, i was hidden from him as well.

It's scary to put your self out there.  So be crazy, sexy fun because who doesn't enjoy that?  right?

Why have i never reached out to my ex husband?  Because i don't value his opinion.  Because i have no love for him.  He probably didn't do it on purpose but he did a great job of destroying my ego.  He was mentally abusive.  I was nothing without him so he said.  He isolated me from the world and no, i have no interest in his opinion, or his current life.  

I still have nightmares about him.

I can't entirely blame him.  We were kids.  We had no adults to step in and say "this isn't healthy".....no direction was given.  We fucked it up.

Happy men don't develop a drug habit.

This Marine, he had left me quite a few voicemails that i finally listened to.  He was another just like my ex husband.  Lots of nasty things to say about me now that i don't want him.  he actually said "I only did ONE THING, not talk to you in your home (said it mimicking me) and you dumped me?  You are ridiculous" blah, blah blah.........

Yeah bud.  One time is all you get to treat me like that.  Fuck right off.  

"all the good things i did for you"........meaning?  You get to treat me like shit sometimes?  

I'm gonna end up single because no fucking way is treating me good going to be a "pass" for treating me poorly become acceptable. Ever.  A fight or a disagreement is one thing.......calling me names, being disrespectful?  No.  Not ever.  

I don't care who you are.


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