Because i'm big

Another blog filled with TMI you've been warned. 

I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a glass of wine and brownies baking in the oven.  This is a kind of "going away" party that i'm giving myself.  Wine and brownies won't be passing through these lips for a very long time, if ever again.  okay, not for a very long time.

For the past 3 years i have struggled with my weight.  First, i quit smoking, then had an injury, then went through a painful breakup.  Add being miserable at work ...and feeling like my life was flying by and I was not doing what i should be, that there was..more.  I made mistakes.  I fixed them.  And i ate.  I found that i enjoy wine, so i drank.  And ate.  And bought bigger clothes

I firmly believe that it was my weight that made my ex cheat and finally break up with me.  Thank you weight.  I believe it was my weight that caused a short term boyfriend to not want sex, ever, causing me to break up with him.  Again, thank you weight.  Do you think either wanted to go for walks with me, go kayaking, do ANYTHING besides pass judgement?  I was with the wrong men.

It took me a while to get here.  To this place of accepting and loving myself, regardless of the size of my jeans.  It has been a recent arrival.  I've felt ashamed, embarrassed, unattractive, for years. Honestly even when i was skinny i didn't feel good enough to be treated well.  I did not love myself unconditionally and i blamed everything but, myself. I packed on the uncomfortable pounds. I did that.

Extra weight isn't good for anyone.  I'm in pain most of the time, and it's gotten to the point i can't ignore it.  my joints hurts.  I recently joined a challenge of doing 50 sit ups a day and i had to modify it because i couldn't do ONE.  I know there are skinny people who probably cant do one either but i bet they don't actually damage themselves trying. 

I loved yoga when i was skinny.  It was good for me mentally and physically.  When i tried to go back a few years ago my fat ass couldn't figure out how to move anymore.  So i quit.  Now i do yoga stretches when no one is looking and pray i don't break something.

I used to walk.  Not New York City breaka yo face walk.....but walk walk.  I enjoyed "going for a walk" or a hike up a trail to a Mountain top.  I enjoyed it for the sake of doing it, not because it was good exercise. I used to line dance years ago.  The last time i tried i was so confused in this body, and how to move it.......so i quit. 

I moved into my place, the one i go home to alone, in September of 2018 and i've had 9 months to get to know "myself".  I have given birth to me. kinda.  And with that, is a responsibility to take care of myself.  Because i have learned that i'm lovable. Not perfect, not always nice, sometimes a little daft, always a little goofy, and worth loving.  Exactly how i am.

So of course i'm gonna change.

First, I look in the mirror in the morning just out of the shower and i appreciate how i got here.  I see my stretch marks from pregnancy, i see my breasts that fed two babies, I see the extra cushion where i don't need it- and i understand why it's there now.  Sometimes mental pain does manifest itself on our body. But i don't have mental pain anymore.

So i'm back to a physical therapist to uncrunk me.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I'm taking a "hanna somatic" class after pt so i can learn how my body is supposed to work.  If you are interested, google it.  She is healing me, so i'm a believer.  As my body gets realigned i can exercise it more.  pamper it with sweat and physical love.  It's not a punishment, it's a privilege.  I know this because not being able to move correctly has brought that lesson home to me.

And i am no longer lying to myself that "eating right" will get me to where i need to be.  I have signed on with a coach, and a program, to lose these pounds.  I'm making myself the priority. I can't believe i didn't talk myself out of it. There was a moment of hesitation and i went for it.  i'm going to do this the way i quit smoking....cold turkey.  It's my JOB now. I know that there will be adjustment, that it will be uncomfortable and that i will curse myself.  But i will not quit.  I am going back to the body i feel good in.  And i'm staying there.

I'm doing this because i want to feel good.  I want to look good, yes, but look....in all honestly my fat saved me from a couple of pricks.  It served me well. So I thank you thick thighs and rounded stomach.....but i don't need you anymore.

So this blog has turned into a diet journey, and there will be swearing.  In case you wondered.

There may be pictures.

and hell, help me if you can.  Leave me comments.  Let me know you exist.