Here's one of my "trying to figure out what the hell is in my head" blogs.....you are welcome to try and follow it. Maybe you will have more luck than me.
I don't feel good. Been having stomach problems for a while now, and last night i came home completely drained, unable to stop falling asleep and feeling like i had been drugged. I was supposed to go to the Buddhist temple where i've been joining a group of people to meditate. Couldn't do it. So i lay in bed, in and out of sleep, watching stupid youtube videos in between and finding the strangest things hilarious. Finally, i assume, real sleep hit me and i tossed and turned all night until my phone binged me repeatedly early this morning. I've joined a challenge to do 50 situps a day.....because i haven't done a situp since elementary school when they MADE us.
Do i need to say that i can't do one? not one. So he (my badass friend) gave me a different move to do, to strengthen my core so that eventually i can join the world of situps. Now my muscles AND my gut are screaming at me that i'm a horrible bitch and to cut that shit out. I knew i'd swear doing the thing i hate most, causing myself physical discomfort, however i did not expect a flood of tears.
So now i'm pissed about that too. Know what? I'm gonna keep doing it till it doesn't hurt anymore and i can do 50 FUCKING SITUPS in one shot.
Too much nonsense cluttering up my brain. Too much extra body filling up my clothes. I de-cluttered my home, and i think it was a sort of procrastination to deal with my SELF. Anyway, it needed to be done and it has been. Now.....where is that mirror? Ah.
So my delirious brain had some screwy dreams this morning. Does anyone else dream about people in their past and have it hurt like it happened yesterday? Please. I hope so. I don't want to be alone in that.
Dream: it's christmas and i'm in my childhood home, but with my kids and my ex's family. I'm with them, his sister and her husband, his parents, his family.....the whole bunch of them. But not him. And i'm waiting for him, wondering where he is? Now i'm going to bed in my old bedroom, and so is everyone else and i'm trying to get into one of the two bathrooms..i realize he is home, downstairs and i call him (?) and he tells me it's late and he can't be on the phone with me all night. I tell him okay i love him and wait for him to say it too but he hangs up. I go into the kitchen (still in my childhood home) and he is there, dressed in a suit. I ask him where was he? why did he leave me alone? I know he's been somewhere else, more important. I'm heartbroken.
I wake up crying. And then i proceed to get ....pissed. of course. I'm always me, that much you can depend on. When i feel hurt, i respond with anger. I'm working on it.
So you know when you have an emotional dream in the morning it sets the tone for your day? Here i am, a day off from work, feeling like yuck and feeling like an emotional bomb. It's not even 9am.
I think i bring a lot of this shit on myself. I don't know how NOT to.
Recently a man i'm talking to told me i'm a man hater. Here, i was thinking i was liking men a bit too much for my own good. So it's interesting to me....am i? Or have i just had hateful experiences with a few men?
I want a partner. I've said that before, conjured that before, wished for it.....but something isn't clicking. Am i a man hater? huh.
I call my experiences lessons but maybe i'm carrying those lessons as baggage. Maybe when i meet a new man i'm not giving it a fair shot. OR maybe they aren't worth a fair shot because of the games a lot of them play. I don't know, and i get tired thinking about it. Takes all the fun out of it.
I have a lot to keep my occupied, and yet, this man need. Is there a pill for this condition?
I don't feel good. Been having stomach problems for a while now, and last night i came home completely drained, unable to stop falling asleep and feeling like i had been drugged. I was supposed to go to the Buddhist temple where i've been joining a group of people to meditate. Couldn't do it. So i lay in bed, in and out of sleep, watching stupid youtube videos in between and finding the strangest things hilarious. Finally, i assume, real sleep hit me and i tossed and turned all night until my phone binged me repeatedly early this morning. I've joined a challenge to do 50 situps a day.....because i haven't done a situp since elementary school when they MADE us.
Do i need to say that i can't do one? not one. So he (my badass friend) gave me a different move to do, to strengthen my core so that eventually i can join the world of situps. Now my muscles AND my gut are screaming at me that i'm a horrible bitch and to cut that shit out. I knew i'd swear doing the thing i hate most, causing myself physical discomfort, however i did not expect a flood of tears.
So now i'm pissed about that too. Know what? I'm gonna keep doing it till it doesn't hurt anymore and i can do 50 FUCKING SITUPS in one shot.
Too much nonsense cluttering up my brain. Too much extra body filling up my clothes. I de-cluttered my home, and i think it was a sort of procrastination to deal with my SELF. Anyway, it needed to be done and it has been. Now.....where is that mirror? Ah.
So my delirious brain had some screwy dreams this morning. Does anyone else dream about people in their past and have it hurt like it happened yesterday? Please. I hope so. I don't want to be alone in that.
Dream: it's christmas and i'm in my childhood home, but with my kids and my ex's family. I'm with them, his sister and her husband, his parents, his family.....the whole bunch of them. But not him. And i'm waiting for him, wondering where he is? Now i'm going to bed in my old bedroom, and so is everyone else and i'm trying to get into one of the two bathrooms..i realize he is home, downstairs and i call him (?) and he tells me it's late and he can't be on the phone with me all night. I tell him okay i love him and wait for him to say it too but he hangs up. I go into the kitchen (still in my childhood home) and he is there, dressed in a suit. I ask him where was he? why did he leave me alone? I know he's been somewhere else, more important. I'm heartbroken.
I wake up crying. And then i proceed to get ....pissed. of course. I'm always me, that much you can depend on. When i feel hurt, i respond with anger. I'm working on it.
So you know when you have an emotional dream in the morning it sets the tone for your day? Here i am, a day off from work, feeling like yuck and feeling like an emotional bomb. It's not even 9am.
I think i bring a lot of this shit on myself. I don't know how NOT to.
Recently a man i'm talking to told me i'm a man hater. Here, i was thinking i was liking men a bit too much for my own good. So it's interesting to me....am i? Or have i just had hateful experiences with a few men?
I want a partner. I've said that before, conjured that before, wished for it.....but something isn't clicking. Am i a man hater? huh.
I call my experiences lessons but maybe i'm carrying those lessons as baggage. Maybe when i meet a new man i'm not giving it a fair shot. OR maybe they aren't worth a fair shot because of the games a lot of them play. I don't know, and i get tired thinking about it. Takes all the fun out of it.
I have a lot to keep my occupied, and yet, this man need. Is there a pill for this condition?
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