It's been a while - I keep wanting to write a new entry and then i just don't.
So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so".
I'm moving. An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it. Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am. I came full circle here, in the nest i created. And now i'm going to leave it. Ugh. I must be crazy.
For so long I haven't known who I am. Where do my likes start? My wants. They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner. I've always been afraid of being alone. Wanting to make every decision with someone. I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words. Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do.
Years ago I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. I started in high school so i could hang out near the boy i liked. (see???) I was an expert quitter. I did it all the time, really well. Finally one day I drove myself to a walk in clinic because i could not breathe. I thought, well, here is when i find out i'm dying. They made me breathe in a nebulizer (however thats spelled) not once, but three times. It's a machine they add medicine to that you inhale through vapor....I was able to suck in a deep breath and not cough. A breath so deep i was taking oxygen from my tippy toes.....and i did NOT cough..i could breath. I thought....I want to feel this all the time. THIS is what normal people breath like....
Even then, it took me a couple of months to prepare for the quitting. I did what i needed to do and then finally one day I jumped. I just stopped.
Anyone who tells you they quit smoking cold turkey and it was easy is a fucking liar. It was pure and utter hell. Now that i'm past it, i'm glad it was because i will NEVER put myself through that again. I did it though, and i am proud of myself. It took long enough, but i finally decided i wanted better.
Then, i went through some other major life changes and ended up moving out of the first place i had ever felt like home, in a town i felt like home, around friends that made me feel like family. My life pretty much imploded and i felt a complete loss of control on top of some heartbreak.
I'm here to tell you, you get over heartbreak. You don't think you will. But you do. Because time happens and life happens and ....because it's not meant to be a permanent condition. It hurts and it hurts a lot, because you are meant to want better....
So i moved in with my bestie, i'm not sure if i was given a choice. I rented a room in her home with her family and i was never alone. I went through the stages. I was depressed, angry, sad..all of the things but most importantly.....directionless. I didn't know my life. I wanted to recognize myself, my life, my future. The first thing i did was date like a crazy woman. I feel like I blew through dates like a bowling ball striking down pins. I was on a mission to find my partner but....i didn't even know myself without one.
Which set me up for falling for the first smiling face that treated me kindly and wanted to be around me, talk to me, listen to me talk.....and kiss me. I fell for the feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted........and it never occurred to me that he could not possibly do any of those things because I did not even know myself. How could he?
I had another lesson to learn, and this time I didn't take months to figure it out. I realized it and faced it head on. We parted ways.
You think i learned don't you? Hahaha
I went straight back to bowling. No, i did not say balling. In that i was selective. Thank you goddess.
I dated some nice men. I made it my mission to date only happy, friendly, outgoing males......no more moody mother fuckers. And i must say- happy guys are a hell of a lot more fun. I just couldn't feel that connection beyond enjoying their company as friends. "that" feeling of wanting to partner up just hasn't happened.
So finally i stopped. Honestly I became interested in someone who was not available to me.
Here's my turning point when i started to question my own wants, what are they?
I want to breathe...take a huge suck of oxygen down to my tippy toes and not have it choke me. I want to feel the way normal people feel.
Life happens when you aren't paying attention, it's so true. I've been making decisions and tough choices all by MYSELF. I've been taking care of what needs taking care of. Improving my life, taking part in it..........choosing what i want to do, or not. I've found a creative streak that i'm giving some attention to, and tomorrow i have my first evaluation at the new job i started 6 months ago. The job i pursued, and got because i made the decision to go for it. Not because i was forced.
Now i'm moving into a bigger place and i'm healthier financially than i ever have been. I'm not stopping, i'm just getting started. I guess i've always had to chew on things for a while before i let someone else decide if i was going to do it or not. Now, i don't have either problem standing in my way.
It feels so good to feel normal. Don't worry, i'm totally not. Never will be. But at least i can breathe.
So here i am, sitting on my unmade bed looking at my apartment, in it's final stages of being dismantled, after a year of putting it together "just so".
I'm moving. An opportunity was offered and I jumped at it. Even though i love where i am, am happy where I am, will miss where I am. I came full circle here, in the nest i created. And now i'm going to leave it. Ugh. I must be crazy.
For so long I haven't known who I am. Where do my likes start? My wants. They've always been tied into a man, or in pursuit of a man.....a partner. I've always been afraid of being alone. Wanting to make every decision with someone. I never learned how to just...be me. Everyone tells you this, it should be common sense, but until it clicks for you it's all just words. Words that mean nothing because you can't understand until you suddenly, do.
Years ago I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. I started in high school so i could hang out near the boy i liked. (see???) I was an expert quitter. I did it all the time, really well. Finally one day I drove myself to a walk in clinic because i could not breathe. I thought, well, here is when i find out i'm dying. They made me breathe in a nebulizer (however thats spelled) not once, but three times. It's a machine they add medicine to that you inhale through vapor....I was able to suck in a deep breath and not cough. A breath so deep i was taking oxygen from my tippy toes.....and i did NOT cough..i could breath. I thought....I want to feel this all the time. THIS is what normal people breath like....
Even then, it took me a couple of months to prepare for the quitting. I did what i needed to do and then finally one day I jumped. I just stopped.
Anyone who tells you they quit smoking cold turkey and it was easy is a fucking liar. It was pure and utter hell. Now that i'm past it, i'm glad it was because i will NEVER put myself through that again. I did it though, and i am proud of myself. It took long enough, but i finally decided i wanted better.
Then, i went through some other major life changes and ended up moving out of the first place i had ever felt like home, in a town i felt like home, around friends that made me feel like family. My life pretty much imploded and i felt a complete loss of control on top of some heartbreak.
I'm here to tell you, you get over heartbreak. You don't think you will. But you do. Because time happens and life happens and ....because it's not meant to be a permanent condition. It hurts and it hurts a lot, because you are meant to want better....
So i moved in with my bestie, i'm not sure if i was given a choice. I rented a room in her home with her family and i was never alone. I went through the stages. I was depressed, angry, sad..all of the things but most importantly.....directionless. I didn't know my life. I wanted to recognize myself, my life, my future. The first thing i did was date like a crazy woman. I feel like I blew through dates like a bowling ball striking down pins. I was on a mission to find my partner but....i didn't even know myself without one.
Which set me up for falling for the first smiling face that treated me kindly and wanted to be around me, talk to me, listen to me talk.....and kiss me. I fell for the feeling of being loved and accepted and wanted........and it never occurred to me that he could not possibly do any of those things because I did not even know myself. How could he?
I had another lesson to learn, and this time I didn't take months to figure it out. I realized it and faced it head on. We parted ways.
You think i learned don't you? Hahaha
I went straight back to bowling. No, i did not say balling. In that i was selective. Thank you goddess.
I dated some nice men. I made it my mission to date only happy, friendly, outgoing males......no more moody mother fuckers. And i must say- happy guys are a hell of a lot more fun. I just couldn't feel that connection beyond enjoying their company as friends. "that" feeling of wanting to partner up just hasn't happened.
So finally i stopped. Honestly I became interested in someone who was not available to me.
Here's my turning point when i started to question my own wants, what are they?
I want to breathe...take a huge suck of oxygen down to my tippy toes and not have it choke me. I want to feel the way normal people feel.
Life happens when you aren't paying attention, it's so true. I've been making decisions and tough choices all by MYSELF. I've been taking care of what needs taking care of. Improving my life, taking part in it..........choosing what i want to do, or not. I've found a creative streak that i'm giving some attention to, and tomorrow i have my first evaluation at the new job i started 6 months ago. The job i pursued, and got because i made the decision to go for it. Not because i was forced.
Now i'm moving into a bigger place and i'm healthier financially than i ever have been. I'm not stopping, i'm just getting started. I guess i've always had to chew on things for a while before i let someone else decide if i was going to do it or not. Now, i don't have either problem standing in my way.
It feels so good to feel normal. Don't worry, i'm totally not. Never will be. But at least i can breathe.
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