Lately i judge the quality of my day based on if/or how many times i've cried with no warning. For instance, if I can get through a whole conversation without having to swallow my tears or pause and look to the sky for a moment.......more than once in a day......it's a good day.
Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home. Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home. Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON.
But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood. Yet i can NOT let them go. I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again. We can sit, all three of us, and go through these things i think are so special and they can tell me they don't want to have to throw it out when i'm dead. Then we will have a bonfire of all the things they do not want, and i will no longer drag along with me. I will have the satisfaction of having shared with them, and they will feel relief over not having a mother who hoards.
Hoarding is one of my worst fears. Even so, i have all this stuff. W.T.F.
I hoard memories and the objects that remind me. Its really time to let it all go.
Each day i try to think of a positive thought about my future to focus on, instead of this ache in my chest and shakiness in my limbs. Saturday I woke up with "i'm going to New York City to see my daughter" and then i went. I grabbed Miyagi (my dog) and we hit the road. I needed to prove to myself that I can do anything i set my mind to. And NOTHING is going to hold me back. Especially fear, or insecurity. I did it. And i'm proud of myself. NEXT~!!
This year is about me going solo. There is no taking care of anyone but myself. My children are grown and successful - and i'm single. For the first time in my entire life i have no one to take care of, or consider, but myself. Yes, i will probably go on dates so i don't become stunted in conversing with males. No, i will not develop any relationships with said males. Honestly, I feel done. I feel like i've had enough bullshit and heartache to last a life time. If i want to do absolutely nothing but stare at a wall all day, i don't want to hear any opinions on it. If i want to go out every night of the week and swing from chandeliers well.......i don't want to hear any opinions on it. I don't want to give a damn what any man thinks of what i'm doing or not doing or how i'm doing it. Simple. I filled my quota of listening to the list of shit that i need to change or improve or start or stop. I'm gonna do me, thank you.
If after a year I decide i'd like to open that door again - there will be a check off list. I never had one of those- i just followed my heart into the abyss and THIS is where it landed me. So a check off list there will be. I've already stated that a requirement is # the ability to celebrate each other and here are a few more:
# I won't begin or stay in a relationship with a man who won't visit my kids with me, either in the next town or half way across the world.
#As much as I enjoy a day off alone to lay around and read a book - I would like to vacation with the man i'm in a relationship with. I will never again be the woman in a relationship that has to show up alone or with a girlfriend to every function, or trip. I'm done with that. And SOMETIMES i'd like the vacation to be JUST the TWO OF US and not a whole group of friends. And let me get greedy here.......i want to pick where we are going once in a while and have him just agree and be happy about it.
Here's one i thought of last night while it was snowing: #I would like to spend some snowy days together in a warm house, playing games, watching movies, or reading - just being together and enjoying the gift of a day together where we don't have to go out. For so many years now, snow has meant that i would be alone so it's no wonder it makes me sad. No more. I won't be put on a shelf to be taken down when there is nothing better to do. That was my fault for even making it an option. It won't happen again.
Oh, whats that? my spine? nice to see you again. It's been a while. xoxoxo
Packing really sucks and I do recall saying I was never ever ever going to move again when we moved into our tiny home. Apparently i set out to prove just how much crap i could stuff into that tiny home. Even with the multiple trips to good will and the giving away and purging......i still have so many boxes for JUST ONE PERSON.
But then again, i'm the one who moves footlockers filled with notes and do das from my childhood that havent' seen the light of day since.....well, my childhood. Yet i can NOT let them go. I've decided to have a "junk party" with both my kids once i've caught my breath and began to function like a normal adult again. We can sit, all three of us, and go through these things i think are so special and they can tell me they don't want to have to throw it out when i'm dead. Then we will have a bonfire of all the things they do not want, and i will no longer drag along with me. I will have the satisfaction of having shared with them, and they will feel relief over not having a mother who hoards.
Hoarding is one of my worst fears. Even so, i have all this stuff. W.T.F.
I hoard memories and the objects that remind me. Its really time to let it all go.
Each day i try to think of a positive thought about my future to focus on, instead of this ache in my chest and shakiness in my limbs. Saturday I woke up with "i'm going to New York City to see my daughter" and then i went. I grabbed Miyagi (my dog) and we hit the road. I needed to prove to myself that I can do anything i set my mind to. And NOTHING is going to hold me back. Especially fear, or insecurity. I did it. And i'm proud of myself. NEXT~!!
This year is about me going solo. There is no taking care of anyone but myself. My children are grown and successful - and i'm single. For the first time in my entire life i have no one to take care of, or consider, but myself. Yes, i will probably go on dates so i don't become stunted in conversing with males. No, i will not develop any relationships with said males. Honestly, I feel done. I feel like i've had enough bullshit and heartache to last a life time. If i want to do absolutely nothing but stare at a wall all day, i don't want to hear any opinions on it. If i want to go out every night of the week and swing from chandeliers well.......i don't want to hear any opinions on it. I don't want to give a damn what any man thinks of what i'm doing or not doing or how i'm doing it. Simple. I filled my quota of listening to the list of shit that i need to change or improve or start or stop. I'm gonna do me, thank you.
If after a year I decide i'd like to open that door again - there will be a check off list. I never had one of those- i just followed my heart into the abyss and THIS is where it landed me. So a check off list there will be. I've already stated that a requirement is # the ability to celebrate each other and here are a few more:
# I won't begin or stay in a relationship with a man who won't visit my kids with me, either in the next town or half way across the world.
#As much as I enjoy a day off alone to lay around and read a book - I would like to vacation with the man i'm in a relationship with. I will never again be the woman in a relationship that has to show up alone or with a girlfriend to every function, or trip. I'm done with that. And SOMETIMES i'd like the vacation to be JUST the TWO OF US and not a whole group of friends. And let me get greedy here.......i want to pick where we are going once in a while and have him just agree and be happy about it.
Here's one i thought of last night while it was snowing: #I would like to spend some snowy days together in a warm house, playing games, watching movies, or reading - just being together and enjoying the gift of a day together where we don't have to go out. For so many years now, snow has meant that i would be alone so it's no wonder it makes me sad. No more. I won't be put on a shelf to be taken down when there is nothing better to do. That was my fault for even making it an option. It won't happen again.
Oh, whats that? my spine? nice to see you again. It's been a while. xoxoxo
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